The MATCH GAME
Issue #4

Can you match the GOP draft-dodger with his excuse?

2. Phil Gramm     B. The Army has hygeine standards.

3. Pat Buchanan  C. Couldn't divorce dying wife from Vietnam.

4. Danny Quayle D. Homosexual

5. Rush Limba    E. Hurt knee beating up policeman.

A Pat Buchanan volunteer was preparing for the Georgia primary
when he came across a young boy pulling a wagonful of newborn puppies.

The volunteer asked the kid what kind of puppies they were
and the kid answered, "They're Republican Puppies."
The volunteer thought that was cute, and went on his way.

Later that night, he mentioned the puppies to Pat and he exploded!

"GET THAT KID! We gotta do a TV spot with him!"
So the entire staff emptied into the streets of Atlanta to search
for the kid with the Republican Puppies.

For days, they looked and looked. Days turned into weeks,
but finally, they found the kid with the wagonful of puppies.
They convinced his parents to let him go on CNN to talk about the puppies.

Larry King, live to 12 million viewers, gets the exclusive.
It was the perfect photo-op. They had Pat Buchanan walk through
the park, "accidentally" running into the kid with the puppies.

Pat asked what kind of puppies the kid had.
The kid replied "These are Democratic puppies, sir."
Visibly angered, Buchanan lashed out at the kid.
"What do you MEAN these are Democratic puppies?
A few weeks ago you said they were Republican puppies!"

The kid said, "Yes, they were." Pat screamed
"What do you mean USED to be Republican Puppies?   What changed?"

The kid replied, "They opened their eyes."

For Less Government (1)

I'll join my Conservative friends calling for less government.

1. If my wife or daughter is pregnant, I'll invite the government
to butt the hell out of ANY decision my family makes.

2. When I access the Internet, or turn on the TV, or go to a movie,
I want LESS government. (Bob Dole, call your office.)

3. If I want to grow weeds and smoke them, I want LESS government.

4. I DAMN sure don't want the government to decide which prayers
are to be mandated in my kid's classrooms.

5. If Howard Stern mentions a subject Donald Wildmon doesn't like,
why can't he just change the channel?

I have a few dozen more, but you get the drift.

If the GOP really wanted less government,
wouldn't they agree with me?

Ronald and Nancy Reagan recently went out to eat at a
very spiffy LA restaurant. They got a premier table,
and the crew was eager to please.

The waiter approached the table to take their order.
"Good evening, Mr. President and Mrs. Reagan." he asked.
"What would you like from the menu this evening?"

Nancy replied, "Gee, it all looks so good. Let me have the
Filet Mignon, baked potatoe and a salad with ranch dressing."

The waiter wrote it down, then asked, "And your vegetable?"
Nancy replied "He'll have the same."

Will guns be allowed at the GOP Convention in San Diego?

I called the less-than-honorable Sen. Jim Inhofe's (R-Bonehead)
office to ask that question, and the very nice lady said
"I don't see why not..."
Trust me, they will NOT allow guns at the GOP Convention, but why?

Is it because guns are dangerous?

Is it because the possession of guns leads to violence?

Is it because the rank-and-file can't be trusted with guns?

Is it because having guns would endanger the candidates?

The next time you hear the GOP rail against those awful
"special intrest groups" that control YOUR congress, ask him
how much he got from the NRA last year.

Less Government (2)

I'd like to say a few more words about less government.

If one insists on less government, one would get:

-Fewer meat and poultry inspectors.

-Less paint on our highways.

-Fewer airline inspections.

-Less firefighting equipment.

-Fewer cops, fewer cop cars, fewer helicopters.

-Roads repaired less often.

-Bridges and railroad tressles inspected fewer times each year.

-Fewer stoplights and yield signs.

-Fewer restrictions on used cars sales and door-to-door scams.

-Fewer air-traffic controllers.

-A smaller military.

-Fewer people to answer the phones at Social Security,
 Medicaid, Medicare and Mental Health Centers.

-Fewer judges, fewer prosecutors, less jail space.

-Less zoning enforcement, allowing strip clubs near schools.

-Fewer medical examiners, less detectives working homicides.

-Less flood planning, fewer bridges, fewer 911 operators.

-Fewer bomb-sniffing dogs at the airport.

-Fewer, older model black boxes on airplanes.
 

The list goes on and on.

Just how much less government can we afford?

"RUCK FUSH" bumper stickers available!
C'mon, they're only $6, or 6 for $30.

You'll meet the most intelligent people.

Clinton the Criminal

Jerry Falwell is no Clinton fan, that much is certain.
But is he a fan of logic?

Falwell says in his $39.95 video that "Clinton made
$100 Million per month" smuggling cocaine into the
America thru the Mena, Arkansas airport during
his 10-year reign as governor.

Anyone not too-alligned with creationism can do the math
and figure that's roughly TWELVE BILLION DOLLARS.
If Clinton is almost penniless now, he must be very poor
handling money. (even though he's cut the deficit in half)

Falwell also says Clinton raped teen girls on the dining
room table at the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock.

I wonder if Falwell might be a Lying, Nazi Whore?

Lying Encyclopedia

Prodigy's on-line service has an encyclopedia.
I believe it's Collier's Encyclopedia.
Just for grins, I looked up Reagan.
Swear to Koresh, in the opening it says:

"Reagan came to power from the Republican Party, the party of fiscal responsibility,

...at least until 1980."

People been asking me... "You call your Newsletter
Rush Limba - Lying, Nazi Whore. Isn't that too strong?"

Well, maybe it is. One of Porky's favorite sayings is:
"Words MEAN Things." Let's take a good look at the words
we've chosen for the title of our Newsletter.

"Rush Limba," granted, spelled wrong.
It's our salute to Dan Quayle, plus it's a time saver.

"Lying" What can we say about Rush's honesty?

1. Rush said Hillary murdered Vince Foster in her apartment,
and dumped his body at Fort Marcy Park.

2. Rush says liberals "Do a Dance" when a woman has an abortion.
In all of history, has ANYONE ever danced when they heard
a woman has had an abortion? I don't think so.

3. Rush says "All liberals are bad."

One day, hopefully soon, I'll be able to pour a beer
over Rush's grave, about 30 minutes after I drink it.

"Nazi" Strong word, eh? It's not a word I use loosely.
I went to the source, my old friend Webster, to get the
EXACT definition of a fascist nazi.

Here's how Webster defines fascism:

Fascism: (n) a system of government characterized by
beligerent nationalism and racism, forcible suppression
of the opposition, especially unions, leftists,
homosexuals and minorities.

Can you find Rush Limba in that definition?
I can.

He sticks out like a sore cyst.

"Whore" What can I say? For a few dinero, Rush will say
HIS carpet is the best, HIS air filters are best,
HIS orange juice tastes best, HIS flavored tea is better,
HIS carbon monoxide detector is the best, HIS nose strips
let you breathe easier, HIS salsa is the best,
HIS ugly Dogs-Playing-Poker ties are snappy, etc etc.

I'm not against a celebrity endorsing a product,
but Rush Limba, the Lying, Nazi Whore, will endorse
ANYTHING that has a check attached to it, even tho
he's making $25,000,000 per year.

The best example of his prostitution is his support for
a tax cut. Rush would sodomize Clarence "Slappy" Thomas
at noon in Times Square if he could only get a tax cut.
Rush would endorse Clinton, he'd turn gay, he'd vote to
double welfare payments, he'd slice the military's budget,
ANYTHING, ANYTHING, because we all know how hard
it is to get by on $25,000,000 a year.

If there's a better definiton of a whore, send it to us.

Want To Buy a Wife?

This is not a joke.
I'm not sure why, but in Tulsa, cable channel 9, the Christian
Station is SELLING South American women. I know I have a
reputation for the humor-thing, but this 100% true.
I, personally, know a man that bought a wife thru Channel 9.
I met her last week. She's from Peru, she has a 5 year old son.

The guy that bought her is a client. He paid $3,000 for the pair.
He wanted the son, said he would've adopted if she was childless.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a capitalist. If South American women
want to marry American men, experience the American Dream,
I won't quarrel with them. I don't care if money changes hands,
assuming the woman is acting without any coersion.
But on the Christian Network?

Apparently, Family Values start at $3,000.

Donna Shalala

Last year, she said "The best & brightest Americans didn't go to Vietnam."
Talk-show rabble-rousers sych as Ollie North, Rush and G. Gordon Liddy
turned that into an insult to the men who went, fought and died.

Everybody knew what she meant, that the rich boys like little
Danny Quayle could buy their way out of going. They attacked
Shalala for mocking our war dead. When a reporter contacted
North, Liddy and Limba and explained what she REALLY said,
North and Liddy apologized and retracted their condemnation.
But our lying, nazi whore, what did he do?

He said "That's HER problem."

URBAN LEGEND

A captain of a small fishing boat heard this on his radio:

"USS Nimitz to unidentified vessel ahead, turn 30 degrees
south to avoid a collision."

The reply: "USS Nimitz, suggest you turn 30 degrees north."

"USS Nimitz to unidentified vessel, this is a serious matter.
You must turn 30 degrees south now to avoid collision."

The reply came: "Nimitz, suggest you turn 30 degrees north."

"USS Nimitz to unidentified vessel. We are a United States
Warship on wartime maneuvers. Demand you turn 30 degrees
south immediately to avoid collision. Do it now!"

The reply came:
"Nimitz, we are a lighthouse. It's your call."

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Email the Author: Bartcop