Republican Humor
On Capitol Gang Saturday, from Kate O'Beirne of all people:
"Bob Dole is trying to appeal to groups he can relate to,
like accident-prone Veterans of Foreign Wars."
Dammit.
That was better than mine.
More Republican Whining...
"There's gloom and doom in Republican circles," said
Bill Kristol, editor of The Standard and a staunch Republican.
"The notion of having two or three simple campaign messages
and sticking to them -- I'm not sure he's capable of that."
"It's clear we haven't had our best two weeks," said Tom Rath,
of New Hampshire who ran Dole's 1988 campaign in that state.
Other Republicans were more scathing, but did not want to be
quoted by name blasting their nominee.
"I don't see what the message is. Dole doesn't have one,"
said one who is associated with Dole's campaign.
Paul Gigot said Dole had been wandering around like some
"political vagabond" while Arianna Huffington
said Dole's tobacco screwup suggests he has a "political death wish."
The Clinton folks are happy.
Instead of homing in on Filegate, Dole insists on
stressing the harmful effects of milk over tobacco.
Quick!
Which of these things is most dangerous?
A. An assault rifle
B. A marijuana cigarette
C. A Playboy magazine
D. A Glass of Milk
The GOP would fight to keep assault weapons
and ban the other three.
I just read this in the Dallas Morning News.
Last week, Dole danced a Polka at Cleveland's Croatian Festival.
When he was in Dallas, a reporter asked Dole if he was going to start
dancing like Boris Yeltzin, red-faced and arms flailing.
Dole said "Not unless I get farther behind."
Are you getting tired of the Hillary-types always trying
to expand big government for some wacko-liberal agenda?
I've got the perfect example for you.
Here's the story as it appeared in the paper:
ATLANTA - Center for Disease Control:
Four women who miscarried eight times in two years may have
been sickened by well water polluted by a nearby hog farm.
The CDC said they drank well water containing "bad stuff."
(Trust me, "bad stuff" will suffice here.)
The four women, who miscarried between 1991 and 1993,
all lived in the same general area.
So, the CDC invades our privacy, insisting we listen
to their outrageous, liberal pointy-headed theories!
Hey, we're Americans!!
We believe in "rugged individualism."
And here comes those Hillary-types, riding in on their
"high horse" with their big socialist agenda trying to
make drinking water pure for all Americans.
What a farce!
This is nothing less than an attack on our freedom!
Hillary and her ilk have an agenda to force unneeded
federal regulations on us for no reason.
It's just another power grab by the elitists, another
example of Bill Clinton's Stalinist ideas to force us
to drink water that's cleaner than we want it to be.
If Newt wants to relax clean water standards,
we should be patriots and agree with him.
If women choose to miscarry, why do Hillary and her
friends think it's their duty to help them?"
Who elected HER, anyway?
Bitch!
(The women all switched to bottled water and all four have since
given birth to healthy babies, but that still doesn't give the
wacko-left a legitimate reason to trample on our rights.)
The talk around the Beltway is Clinton is so far
ahead in the polls, he's going to start dating again.
We about to get our 100th subscriber to RL-LNW.
When he signs up, he'll get a dozen "RUCK FUSH" bumper-stickers.
Tell your friends.
Rush tells 120 lies per hour, minimum,
but this one caught my ear:
"I could lose 90% of my radio audience and STILL
have twice as many listeners as anybody else."
Maybe it's Rush's "creation-math," but losing 90%
of 20 million listeners leaves 2 million.
Liddy has 10 million, and he's not even number two.
I know, I know.
They'll say "Rush was kidding!"
He's always "kidding" when he gets caught lying.
Remember when he used to say that he was picking up
15 new listeners every second he was on the air?
I did the math.
That came out to 20,000,000 converts every day.
I know.
He was "kidding" then, too.
Wacky Limba quotes:
"Clinton has union leaders, Dole has Big Tobacco.
What's the difference?"
Rush, unions don't kill 400,000 people each year.
We are in need of a three-sided coin.
The joke on Dole's press plane was "Somebody flip a coin.
Heads, Dole catches flak for straddling on abortion.
Tails, Dole catches flak for straddling on tobacco."
Now, we have to as Dole dissing the NAACP?
Bob, you're averaging 2 big screw-ups each week.
Doncha even wanna try?
Let's look at Diss-gate.
First, Dole said "I didn't even know I was invited to the damn thing.
You'd be surprised how much I don't know."
(No, Bob. No surprise there.)
Then, he said Mfume was "trying to set me up."
What does that mean? Was it a mob hit?
What were the evil black people going to do to Dole?
Who's running this campaign?
Craig Livingstone?
Just when it couldn't get worse, Dole called them "the NAAC."
Hey, Bob.
Did you forget to "P?"
Poor Dole.
He's not a bigot.
He's just mentally incompetent.
Then, after Dole "explained" his fears, his boy Nelson Warfield
called a press conference to explain what Dole REALLY meant to say.
Remember, we had to go through this with Reagan.
After every speech, his handlers held a press conference to explain
his Alzheimer-related ramblings and mysterious non-sequiters.
Doesn't America deserve a President that can think?
If so, is Bob Dole our man?
Then, Dole said he wanted to talk to
"other audiences, people he could relate to."
Hey, Bob.
I have a lightning bolt for ya!!
Those people you can't relate to?
They're American voters!!
When you say you want an audience you can relate to,
do you mean the Depends and Geritol crowd?
They don't TRUST you, Bob.
They know you're friends with Newt, and they know
what HE has in mind for the elderly.
As bad as all that is, it STILL gets worse.
In Los Angeles yesterday, Dole tried to be "hip."
A reporter asked him how the campaign was going
and Dole said it was "diggity-dank."
Then there's the Perot Factor.
Cheer up, Republicans.
Dole is Dole, but at least he's not Perot.
Perot says "Being President is not a goal for me.
The American people WANT me to do this."
Sure Ross, just like Bob Dole is attracted "not to the glory of office,
but to the difficulty of it."
Have you ever heard such bull-shit in your life?
Bob Dole spent $30,000,000 (so far) on push-polls and negative
advertising, slurring Forbes and Buchanan just so he could
"answer one more call?"
No matter what, this will be one HELL of a election.
Great Quotes
"I'm not black," to a gay caller.
Rush Limba, Hate Radio, July 12, 1996
This JUST in.... It's true.
Meet the Press played videotape of Dole.
Reporter: Senator, is Mrs. Dole pro-choice?
Bob Dole: WE'VE NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!
I don't want to hear ANYBODY accuse Clinton of
telling a lie again. The ONLY bigger bald-faced lie
I've ever heard was Clarence Thomas saying he never,
EVER once in his life had an opinion on Roe v. Wade.
By the way, his answer reveals Liddy IS pro-choice.
Otherwise, Bob Dole would've answered "No."
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Email the Author: Bartcop He's laughing at you!
