Election night, it's going to be so dead at Dole HQ,
the invitations say "Weekend at Bob's."
I just got back from Taco Bell, where I got my
GOP-approved Halloween toy, "Slappy's Candy Keeper."
I didn't even have to buy any of their horrid food.
All I had to do was pay the 99 cents, and Bingo!
I'm the proud owner of a toy that celebrates
the smartest black man currently on the big bench!
Get one for your kids, one for yourself!
Help celebrate the history of the Republican Party's
Affirmative Action program for the Judiciary,
with your Clarence "Slappy" Thomas Candy Keeper.
If possible, celebrate while watching a porno movie.
After all, it's Clarence Thomas!
Stupid Rush Quotes
"The liberals say we wanted to take Big Bird off the air.
They know that's a lie - we NEVER wanted to do that.
We just wanted to de-fund PBS, that's all."
A private research group, the JD Clark Group,
has documented RL-LNW right 100% all the goddamn time.
Tony Snow, Rush-sub and frequent RL-LNW contributor,
said "When Bob Dole makes a speech, he shows the
personality of a disgruntled postal worker."
Bob Dole, doing his best to cement his defeat, did a
photo-op with the LAST war hero Clinton crushed.
Bob, why do you DO THAT to yourself?
Hey, what about this election-night IRC party?
So far, response is pretty good.
The Republicans will be home drinking, because
the GOP now needs dental records to be identified.
The Democrats will be dancing the Macarena, chugging
champagne, and having hot sex with their wives.
Log on to IRC and party with us!
Either way, it's safer driving your keyboard
than driving your Honda into a tree.
IMPORTANT COMPUTER GEEK STUF:
We'll be on Netcom's EFnet.
Everyone can get that.
It might also be known as irc2.netcom.com
The channel name is #limba
no password required
I'll have "ops," so watch yer ass!
Get your champagne - when CNN says "Landslide,"
we can all share a cyber-toast at the same time.
Koresh willing,
it'll work and we'll have some laughs.
We're not sure why, but at a speech in Denver, Dole said:
"I'd rather get oral sex than eat an ice cream cone."
Staffers were puzzled, too.
If you hate gay people,
if you think gay people should just "stop it,"
call 1-800-774-7989.
It's some wacky "Let's screw the gays" religious outfit.
I called, and they're sending me some hate literature.
I asked the lady why she would accept a job where she
was expected to spread hate. She said "We do work for
lots of groups, I'm just following orders."
(Sounds like Germany in 1939, doesn't it?)
By the way, can anybody quote the chapter and verse
in the Bible where God says to hate His children?
More on this when the hate literature arrives.
Meanwhile, call that number and give them hell.
A spokesman for Kimberly-Clark says they've
designed a diaper that will fit over Rush's mouth.
The Americans for Decency are paying for it.
God Bless 'em!
What's Richard Jewell's problem?
You know him, right? The Bubba-bomber.
TIME called him a "Rush Limbaugh weigh-alike."
He's whining and whining about how the FBI and the media
destroyed his "good name." What a crock!
He sounds just like Dole.
You know what ol' BartCop would've done if I were him?
First, I'd lose a lot of weight.
Then, I'd say:
Hey, CBS, c'mon in and play some poker with me.
Interview me, ask me questions, get to know me.
Hey, NBC, let's go play some pool, let's ride horses.
Talk to me, get to know me. Do I act like a bomber?
Hey, ABC, I'll give you an interview if you give me
nude pictues of Diane Sawyer. (She'd do it, for SURE!)
Hey, CNN, send Catherine Crier over. I'll talk to her!
Interview me, try to trap me, ask me ANYTHING!!!
Pretty soon, they'd be so goddamn sick of me and my
fat ass, they'd take their cameras and go away.
But when he hid under his mommies skirt,
behind his lawyer, he looked guilty as hell.
"You know my name, but you don't really know who I am,"
he whined at his tearful press conference.
If he put a lawnchair on his front porch and talked to
the media, and DARED them to catch him lying, they'd go away.
It's that easy.
And, as long as I'm saving the world,
I can stop the Rohybnol crisis. You know that one, right?
It's a drug made by Hoffman-LaRoche, right here in Merica!
They call it the "date rape" drug, because it's
tasteless, colorless and odorless.
You slip it in her drink at a club, and she loses much of
her will and most of her memory. Most victims can't even
tell the cops how many attackers there were.
Soooooooooooooo, why doesn't Clinton ask Hoffman-LaRouche
to put a really BITTER TASTE in the drug?
That way, one sip and the girl says "Eeeeuuuuuuuuu!!!"
It's so easy, so simple.
It's the same as Natural Gas.
Natural gas has NO ODOR.
They ADD the rotten-egg smell AS A WARNING!!!!!
Hello?
Am I the only one with half a brain?
Funny Dole Quotes
"Watch me, I'm another Harry Truman."
Truman's dead, Bob.
Senator Nancy Kassebaum of Kansas announced she'll
wed former Choco-Chief of Staff Howard Baker.
No joke there, I just like saying "Choco-Chief of Staff."
Great GOP Quotes
"Polls are volatile" Kemp said in an interview with USA Today.
"They don't ask wether a person wants red wine or white wine."
What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?
And, more importantly, in a few days he and Dole will fade
into the sunset and I won't have them as writers anymore.
Oh, well.
We'll always have Ferris-wheel Limba.
Ralph Reed, Friday night on HBO, explained his new book
"It Takes a Whipping."
"The other night I had to spank my two-year old SIX TIMES
to get him to stay in his room. It was dark, and he was
scared and wanted the lights on, so I had to spanked him
again and again to finally get him to stop. It's hard to
work when a two-year old is screaming his head off."
-You're two fucking years old, afraid of the dark and God's
hand-picked messenger is kicking the shit out of you.
PRESIDENT PEROT!
Did I scare you?
HA!
Happy Halloween from RL-LNW!
El Grande Puerca makes a LOT out of the photo of the
not-yet-convicted drug-smuggler with Hillary.
If you check www.ctyme.com, you'll find Bob Dole posing
for a photo with the Publisher of RL-LNW!
Not that Marc Perkel is akin to a drug-dealer, but doesn't
a photo of Dole with MY publisher demonstrate that candidates
pose with people whose who get in line?
Great Dole Quotes
"Do the Merican people care? It's my view people are
starting to catch on. There are new revelations every day,
every day,
every day,
every day.
If George Butch had done just ONE of these things,
why, the roof would've blown off the Capitol."
Bobby, I got a thunderbolt for you:
Butch DID something worse!!
He SOLD WEAPONS TO TERRORISTS!!!!
And when he got caught, what did he do?
He PARDONED the guilty people to save his ass!
Besides, Butch lived in the White House, not the Capitol.
True Quotes:
Bob Dole, I'm your worst nightmare.
I'm a single mother and I vote.
--Linda Anderson, Mill Valley, CA
Caller: Rush, you say Clinton bungled foreign policy?
But we're at peace!
Clinton has been a good leader.
Rush: You know almost 40 men have died under his command.
I don't call that leadership.
Caller: But Rush, 600 died under Ronald Reagan.
Rush: Yes, but REAGAN KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING!!!!
The FIVE most popular cartoon characters for kids.
5. Mickey Mouse
4. The Road Runner
3. Snoopy
2. Bugs Bunny
1. Joe Camel
Bob Dole, call your office.
In February this year, Bob Dole said the tax cut plan
proposed by Steve Forbes was "pure snake oil."
Now, he SWEARS we can trust him when he says
"Snake oil is good for you,
good for the economy,
good for Merica."
Behind closed doors, Dole is whining about how badly
the GOP religio-wackos have hurt him this election.
But, when the lights come on, Dole says this Congress
has been GOOD for America.
Why does Dole claim he's honesty?
Why can't Bob Dole tell the truth?
"In America, having AIDS is a bonus."
--The Coathanger Coalition.
Bob Dole has called for a Special Prosecutor because
Ralph Reed heard a rumor that Snap, Crackle and Pop
were "evil gays" and possibly violent.
Ralph Reed wants to save kids from the "cereal killers."
If character is so important,
why didn't Jimmy Carter get a second term?
If you find RL-LNW too fluffy,
if you're looking for some substance,
I have three suggestions for you:
1. The publisher of RL-LNW has a mountain of in-depth stuff.
You can go crazy at www.ctyme.com/
(If you're a divorce lawyer, you might skip it.)
2. You can get deep into the Contract On Merica
by going to www.nashville.net/~coa
3. If you need more wacko-religious-right rants in your life,
if you always wanted a copy of everything the RNC or
Ralph Reed wants you to know, check out my old friend
Duane at www.lemuria.com/papax7
Where the candidates are today:
President Clinton, in schools, talking about the
Internet moving classrooms into the 21rst Century.
Bob Dole was in a cemetary,
talking about estate taxes.
Bob, why do you DO THAT to yourself?
This just in...
CNN reports Bob Dole is a suspect in the murders
of Laura Palmer and Mrs. Richard Kimball!
More on this breaking news story as it developes.
Susan McDougal, hang in there, girl.
TWO DAYS until the election.
THREE days till your pardon.
Hang in there, Babe.....
Tell her, Bela!
"You can DO it, Susan!"
Somebody help this poor man...
"The final few days, I'll be campaigning in California
with Clark Gable and Gary Cooper - REAL Americans."
Bob, they're dead.
Have been for decades..
We received questions about our Paul Harvey jokes.
For the newer readers, here's why he deserves it.
FLASHBACK from Volumes 53 and 54:
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
After the Republican Convention, Harvey the Whore said
"You've just seen the beautiful and sincere love
and affection between Bob and Liddy Dole.
They are truly in love with each other.
Next week, however, you're going to see a lot of
hand holding as Bill and Hillary Clinton act out
their charade at the Democratic Convention.
You see, they don't even love each other.
They have a political marriage, nothing more."
We expect lies from a dirty whore like Limba,
but some people consider Paul Harvey legitimate,
especially the Geritol/prune crowd.
Now, unless Bill or Hillary confessed to the aging whore,
he can only be speculating. Speculating on national radio
that marriage "A" is real and sincere while marriage "B"
is a fake and a sham ranks up there with any vicious lie
our porcine naziboy ever told his flock of ignorant sheep,
(except for the "Hillary murdered Foster" thing.)
So, Paul Harvey "KNOWS" what Clinton's thinking?
What happens when that political tactic is turned around?
Paul Harvey enjoys sex with horses.
He always has, since his early days in Oklahoma.
He didn't tell me this, I just "know it,"
like he "knows" Bill doesn't love Hillary.
We found out how Paul Harvey got started with
his "fascination" with horses, especially stallions.
When he was younger, he was in the Army.
He was stationed in the desert in Iran.
He was a young man with raging harmones.
One evening, young Paul Harvey was very horny.
He asked some men what they did for companionship.
They pointed to the horse.
Paul said "Oh, OK, I understand."
Later that evening, the men were shocked when they saw
Harvey committing unspeakable acts with the horse.
They confronted him.
"Harvey, you insane bastard! What are you doing?"
Harvey said, "But, but...YOU told me...."
"You're SO stupid," they replied.
"You get ON THE HORSE and ride to the bordello in town!!!"
Great RUSH Quotes
"I don't want to bring any negatives to this campaign, but..."
Then he proceeded with his usual 3-hour slurfest.
He's my favorite Nazi.
Timing is Everything
Geez, too bad it's not 200 years ago, things'd be different.
You see, back then, blacks weren't allowed to vote.
Women weren't allowed to vote, either.
If this was the 1796 election, things'd be different!!
If only white men were allowed to cast ballots,
Bob Dole would only lose by 9 percent.
Word is,
After the election, the ENTIRE Republican Party is going
to get together and hang the really, really BIG liars.
It's my understanding the last guy will commit suicide.
They'll need somebody strong.
I suggest Gordon Liddy.
Rush Limba, was begging for a slap when he said:
"We need to dig up Vince Foster and put him on trial."
Rush, I know you don't know me,
But I wish you'd let me ask
one favor from you:
Would you eat shit, then die?
Please?
Can't you go one day without slurring the dead?
Can't you knock off the Ron Brown jokes?
Am I asking too much?
Isn't it time we locked you in a closet with a Luger
and wait for you to do the right thing?
C'mon, Rush.
It's best for Merica!
Is Long Huang Silver an American?
Why shouldn't he be allowed to raise money and be
friends with Clinton, Gore and Mickey Cantor?
Because the GOP hates minorities?
Huge Mistakes
-The boat ride in Deliverance
-"OJ, would you try on these gloves for the jury?"
-The 1980 election
-"Of COURSE Clinton will cave.
He'll never let us shut down the government."
-Saying "what?" in Pulp Fiction
-"Sure, Bob. I'll run with you."
-"I know! Let's put out a NEW Coke!"
-"No, Sir, that's not an iceberg."
-"Don't worry. It's not loaded."
-"OK, but will I need to turn supply-side whore?"
Oct 28 Time Magazine, page 26
TIME gave Rush their "Pinocchio Award" for first saying
"I'm not sure how I felt about Dole's debate performance."
But when Dole came on the show, Rush introduced him as
"FRESH off another stunning performance in the debate..."
Hey, I was stunned by Dole's performance.
Wasn't everybody?
Scary GOP Quotes
"Ross, please, I BEG YOU, drop out of this race."
--Jack Kemp, trying to act tough last Sunday on Brinkley.
DAN QUAYLE - Stand Up Comedian
I like Clarence Thomas. He has a great sense of humor.
Last spring, Slappy, I mean Clarence, gave a speech
to the employees of my think tanke.
Afterwards, walking towards his limo,
we saw a dog sitting in the sidewalk, licking himself.
I jokingly said I wished that I could do that.
Clarence said he knew that dog.
"You have to pet him first."
Rush says:
"We have a standard, a rule we measure against here at EIB.
What if only 10 percent of the charges leveled at
Bill Clinton are true?
Only 10 percent...what if?"
Gee, Baconboy, when we use those "standards" on you,
we see you've only had sex with 60 strange men,
(see Rush Interview in Volume 36)
and Paul Harvey is still on his first dozen horses.
Rush, how does it feel when your shitty, hate-filled
sleaze-tactics are used against you?
Who Said This?
"Wake Up, Merica!
I'm KEERLY the best choice for Pessnit!
KEERLY! KEERLY! KEERLY!!
I know more about the ConsTOOshun.
I'm for more opTOONtee.
Come KEEN, Mister Pessnit!
It's a game, it's a game, it's a game!!
Wake Up, Merica! Wake Up!"
Hey, Bob!
They say nonsensical, repetitive phrasing indicates
the deterioration of a slow-witted mind.
Knock it off, OK?
Watching Clinton give a speech is like
watching Gene Kelly in the rain.
Some wacky Catholic bishop in Louisiana says:
"IT'S A SIN TO VOTE FOR BILL CLINTON."
If those Catholics don't watch out,
they'll lose credibility with RL-LNW.
Rush, please, please, PLEASE stop telling us how
you watch the TV in your bathroom while you're
taking your morning dump.
We don't care!
Trust me!
We don't want to hear about it again.
Ugly Rush Quotes
"If I called a black man the "N" word,
I'd be in trouble EVEN IF THE DESCRIPTION FIT!"
Rush, you're a baaaaaad man.
MAILBAG
From: dennis bennett
Subject: You suck
Hey, You suck.
You make Rush look like he's reporting the weather.
Most Sincerly,
RL-LNW reply:
Thanks for the note.
Hocus claims?
You seem to think I'm doing something wrong.
A giant load of crap, filled with half-truths and
You say it's ugly?
I think so, too.
Let's join together and get that ugly
Fun GOP Quotes
"Snoot Gingrich has been a 'SUPER-consultant'
Yeah, Scott, and what a GOOD JOB he's done, too!
You watch, after the election, GOP spinners will say
But that's not what happened, is it?
Dole went out whimpering and whining about the
Pooooooooor Bob Dole, whiner.
Even before the going GOT tough, he tossed his 35-year
Two of the GOP's best, mainstream guys, tripping over
Did you?
The voters are telling Dole/Kemp to grab a box of
Here's a gold watch, Bob.
So when they tell you how much "grace and dignity"
And...
How would this election be different if Dole had told
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Email the Author:
Bartcop He's laughing at you!
But that's all I'm going to say because I don't
make hocus claims based on figments of
my imagination and then fail to back them up.
danmeyer@wsuniw.wsu.edu
Dan, or Dennis...
Moi?
What you're reading is Rush's radio show in a mirror.
outright lies, done with a smug, smart-ass smirk.
You're right!
son-of-a-bitch off the airwaves.
behind the scenes in the Dole campaign."
--Scott Reed, Dole Campaign Manager
"Bob Dole lost with his dignity intact.
He took the high road and held his head up."
"unfair" media conspiracy that always picked on him.
deficit-hawk status to the right-wing to get nominated.
Then he sold out on guns, abortion and immigration.
Then he forced Kemp to sell out, too.
themselves trying to please the Coathanger Coalition.
I got sick.
"scram," and disappear as soon as possible.
Now get the hell out of here.
We're the NEW GOP!
We don't compromise!
Dole showed watching his career go down the drain,
remember, RL-LNW set the record straight up front.
Don't forget to ask yourself:
Ralph Reed to take a fucking hike back in San Diego?
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