"Drag a hundred dollar bill through a trailer park,
and there's no telling what you'll find."
--James Carville
This issue is dedicated to Mary Matalin's husband.
Now available, in all sizes - S, M, L, XL, XXL, and RL,
T-Shirts and sweatshirts that say: "I Got a BJ from PJ"
Only $14.95 for t-shirts, $24.95 for sweatshirts.
If you have had sex with Paula Jones, your T-shirt is FREE!
(Limit one free shirt per household.)
Great GOP Quotes
"Now, where the hell is George Butch?"
--Ronald Reagan, upon hearing that Gerald Ford rejected
the number two spot on the ticket in 1980.
Remember during the campaign, Dole kept whining about those
"liberal judges" who were afraid to lock up criminals?
Well, now that Snoot has been caught, the only thing we hear
the tough-on-crime crowd say is how illegally the evidence
was obtained. What a hoot!
I saw that Dennis Rodman was fined $25,000 for his on-court
behavior. Snoot was fined $300,000 for his crime spree,
so we can deduce that Snoot's crimes were twelve times
worse than kicking an innocent bystander in the balls?
You're a bad man, Snooty!
(As you know, Snoot gets each issue of RL-LNW like you do.)
"There are some democrats.... willing to risk being involved
in the commission of a possible felony - JUST so they can get
back the power they lost in the 1994 elections."
--King Pork, Jan 14, 1997
Pardon me, Rush.
I'd like for you to meet Mr. G. Gordon Liddy.
Mr. Liddy was a White House attorney for Dick Nixon.
Mr. Limba, your competition for the McVeigh-wing of the GOP
was convicted and imprisoned for nine felonies!!
If you read his auto-biography "Will," you'll see he admits
his eagerness to assassinate columnist Jack Anderson.
Also, over 100 of Liddy's "friends and acquiantances" either
pled guilty, did time or agreed to resign over their crimes,
and I won't even mention the Iran-Contra crimes/pardons.
..and you think a liberal might cross the line?
This just in...
The over & under on the days left until Snoot is led off
the House floor in handcuffs has been lowered to 114.
Go with the under!
Recording Snoot's revenge?
Crime.
Lying about arms-for-hostages?
Work of art.
Great GOP Quotes
"Whine on, harvest moon."
--George Butch, August 1992, nobody knows why
That whole double-bombing in Atlanta..
The second bomb goes off an hour AFTER the first bomb.
Why do pro-lifers want to murder policemen and reporters?
MAILBAG
To: BartCop
From: Tom_Harkin@harkin.senate.gov
Subject: Re: RL-LNW Volume 82
Dear BartCop:
Thank you for the most recent issue of RL-LNW.
Please accept my thanks. It's one goddamn funny newsletter!
Why don't you come to DC sometime and we'll show you
around the town. If you ever need a favor, you've got it.
(Assuming it's legal, of course. :)
If you need any reference materials to build a case against
"He Who Is Pork," feel free to ftp at
ftp://ftp.senate.gov/member/ia/harkin/general/harkin.html
Thanks again for your newsletter. Please keep me on your
subscription list and please, please don't ever run for office.
I don't need the competition. :)
One other thing: Would it be OK if I quoted some excerpts
from your newsletter, RL-LNW? I'd really appreciate it.
I want to get some of your stuff in the Congressional Record.
Your Friend,
Tom Harkin
United States Senator
Is there anyone in America who thinks that Bill Clinton
called Bob Dole an "evil, evil man?"
Dick Morris, while no nazi, is a lying whore.
Clinton should've known better than to trust a Republican.
Great Republican Quotes
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any
vice president, and that one word is "to be prepared."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1989
For Squeaker of the House, Snoot got 216 votes.
That's not a majority.
Simple (for some) math says 216 of 435 votes is 49.7%
According to Liddy and Porky rules, people elected with
less-than-half the vote aren't legitimate winners.
"The BIG story here isn't Mr. Newt's alledged crimes.
It's the illegal taping of the broadcast."
--King Bacon, Jan 13, 1997
1. How can it be illegal to listen to a conversation that's
being broadcast over the airwaves? Isn't that like
Lady Godiva being pissed off at the townspeople
because they looked at her naked ass on the horse?
2. Let's say a pretty college coed is on her cell phone
with a friend when a burglar breaks into her home.
The criminal rapes the woman, then starts beating her.
Someone with a scanner picks up her cries for help and
calls police. The officer responds to the call and catches
the bastard red-handed and arrests him, right on the spot!
But, the crime was discovered illegally!
Should we focus our outrage on the rapist and his crime?
Or do we look for flaws in the way evidence was gathered?
Are Rush and the GOP guilty of pulling a Johnny Cochran?
Listening to Snoot plot revenge?
Crime.
Selling Stingers to Hezbollah?
Work of art.
MAILBAG
From: Senator@boxer.senate.gov
Subject: Re: RUSH LIMBA LYING WHORE VOL 83
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 1997 11:15:35 -0500
-From the Office of Senator Barbara Boxer
HAPPY NEW YEAR, BartCop!
Dear BartCop:
Thank you for taking the time to contact me via email.
Be assured that your newsletter will be read and enjoyed by the staff.
We will make every attempt to act on your suggestions. :)
We like reading RL-LNW after an 18-hour battle with the Beast.
Thanks, and keep them coming.
We love you, BartCop!
Barbara Boxer
United States Senate
PS. Please send future issues to http://www.senate.gov/~boxer
It's easier to forward them to friends.
Great GOP Quotes
I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
Clarence "Slappy" Thomas and the other Supremes is set to
hear "oral arguments" (that always makes him giggle) from
Paula Jones's lawyer, the Ralph Reed look-alike.
"Slappy" might stay, or he might recuse himself. If he stays,
I'll be he listens to the arguments with a pepper shaker in
one hand and at least one hand under his robe.
Listening to Snoot lie?
Crime.
Making a copy of Snoot's lie?
Crime.
Snoot?
Work of art.
Paula Jones has a lawyer
This is his case:
Clinton asks the Supreme Court to declare that
we have
a king, rather than public servants.
I missed where Clinton asked for that.
Did anyone else catch King Clinton's Declaration?
Mrs. Jones seeks a reaffirmation of the overarching
principal
that we are all equal before the law.
Sir, I believe you are in error.
She wasn't seeking some "overarching principal."
I doubt Paula Jones can spell "overarching principal."
No, Sir, she's seeking money.
Lots of it.
Mrs. Jones's case is not about politics.
Ha ha. Stop it.
You're running for office, and it's not about politics?
It is about "redeeming her reputation."
Paula Jones called a PRESS CONFERENCE in Little Rock to
proclaim herself the victim of unwanted exposure.
Nobody knew of her "shame" until she divulged it.
You see, she's the only Paula in Little Rock.
Witnesses may die.
Oh, Hillary might have them murdered?
The President might die.
Just how connected to the wacko-right IS this girl?
Mr. Clinton makes the "fanciful" argument...
Isn't that a stupid-ass thing to say?
...that it would give rise to a TORRENT of litigation.
Oh? It could never happen?
If she wins, wait till you see the suits I'm filing against the Dornan-Limba-Slappy
cabal.
And I'll be filing a friend-of-the-court briefing on behalf of Paul
Harvey's horses, too.
Hold On To Your Hat: A Logic tidal wave is coming:
In the unlikely event there was a flood of
litigation, Congress
or the courts could step in and protect the
President.
Huh?
You just said that would make Clinton a King, you dumbass.
Don't you remember your main argument?
Further, the judiciary would act to prevent lawsuits from adversly affecting the office.
There you go again. You want to attack Clinton, but you say
the judiciary will protect him from stupid attacks.
Did you get your law degree at Sears?
Clinton's claim means he could choose not to pay his mortgage, his credit cards or his taxes.
Clinton doesn't have a mortgage. I doubt Mastercard would sue the president
- only a REAL asshole would do that. Non-payment of taxes is a crime,
not a civil matter.
The Constitution says all public servants remain accountable for personal conduct.
I doubt our founding fathers forsaw revenge-minded bastards
using the court system to revenge a loss at the polls.
This case presents no cause for throwing out the Constitution.
Admit it. The REAL reason you want this charade to run now
is because it's no fun suing a governor, and it's no fun suing a former
president.
I predict a 6-3 victory for the President.
Great Stymie Quotes
"But for affirmative action programs, God only
knows where I would be today.
These laws and their proper application
are all that stand between the first 17 y
ears of my life and the second 17 years."
--Clarence "Slappy" Thomas, to the Boston Globe, 7/14/91
BARTCOP vs. LIDDY
This next bit in the BartCop vs. Liddy series
isn't really an example of me kicking Liddy's ass.
This might've been the MOST fun I've had with clothes on.
Have you ever wished for that PERFECT moment to be captured on tape
forever?
From 1990 to early 1995, I fought conservatives on Prodigy's Radio/Limba
bulletin board.
After a while, I got pretty good at boxing a sheep in. It wasn't a
perfect medium, though.
Sometimes, I'd be frustrated because some sheep would simply refuse
to answer direct questions.
Of course, they couldn't, because they were caught in the dreaded BartCop
snare!
Two such people were Charles Ford and Joe Fitzpatrick.
So, I sent a fax to my buddy Gordon:
(From the tape)
Liddy: Allright, I don't know where I...
let's go.. to... ah...
let's go... to this fax... it's from Charles
Ford and
Joe Fitzpatrick, who are from Oklahoma! And they
say -
>Dear G. Gordon Liddy, we are gay, conservative
Americans.
>We agree with 95% of what conservatives believe
in,
>but we are wondering if there's any room for
us in the 1996 Republican Platform?
By now, I was hysterical. I was laughing way too hard....like Dan Quayle
on helium!
Liddy just told 12 million people that Charles Ford and Joe Fitzpatrick
were gay lovers...
..not that there's anything wrong with it..
Liddy, (still reading):
>It seems like every four years the party says
they'll have a "big tent"
>this time, but then Buchanan or Gramm takes
the podium to slam gay Americans.
>Will 1996 be the same?
Well, possibly... (cough) but... remember, Pat
Buchanan deregating homosexuals does not mean...
by any means... that he speaks for the Republican
Party, nor is that part of the party platform.
I mean, the platform is the platform.
Do we detect a little insecurity from Nixon's lawyer?
Did BartCop put Trickey Dick's Cabana Boy in a box?
Now, I don't think that you can anticipate that the Republican party
will agree with Bill Clinton
about the desireablity of homosexuals in the armed forces. Nor, SHOULD
you!
That's NO PLACE for homosexuals!
At this point, my lungs could not get enough oxygen. It was very painful.
I laughed constantly for over two hours. That's hard to do. It caused
a big headache,
all that laughing. Every time my laughing slowed down, I'd think
of Liddy calling these
two super-extra-ultra-right, Republi-wackos a couple of gay lovers.
Nationwide.
Not that there's anything wrong with it..
Next issue: BartCop calls Liddy's character into question.
DAN QUAYLE - STAND UP COMEDIAN
Jungle Jim Inhofe (R-Bonehead, OK) walks into a pharmacy and says
"Listen, I have a date with twins tonight. I've never had twins,
so I need something to keep me potent."
So the pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom
drawer and takes out a small black box marked with an "X" and he
says "Senator, if you take this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"
Jim Inhofe says "Give me 3 boxes," and stormed out.
Next day, Jungle Jim walks into the same pharmacy and pulls
down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices
the senatorial organ is black and blue and swollen.
Inhofe says "Gimmee a bottle of Absorbine Jr. Quick!"
The pharmacist replies "ABSORBINE JR.? You're not going
to put ABSORBINE JR. on that are you?"
Inhofe says, "No it's for my right arm. The twins didn't show up".
There he goes again...
Clarence "Slappy" Thomas accepted an invitation to speak
to a predominately black high school in Manassas, Virginia.
(Isn't that where Lorena Bobbit... nevermind.)
After a short speech he took questions from the audience.
A student asked Justice Thomas what his impression was of
the troubles Snoot Gingrich is having.
Apparently trying to be "hip" with the kids, he said:
"Gingrich, he be had that contrak wif America but he now be off the
hissy,
so he ain't neber be playin' in the white crib, yo."
The teacher made him wear the dunce cap, go to the blackboard
and write 500 times "Why I feel guilty being white."
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