Welcome to another exciting issue of the always-superb RL-LNW.
Well,..it's not always superb - most people agree the early issues
were pretty lame. Later, some volumes, like 12, 27 and 46 were
pretty bad, and 39, 70 and 82 blew donkey outright.
Some were seen as crimes against the English language.
In learning to write more better,
I'm using these guidelines to improve my writing skills.
1. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are not needed.
2. Never use ampersands, abbreviations, etc.
3. Don't use a big word if a diminutive word will do.
4. Remember to never split an infinitive.
5. Foreign words and phrases are non grata.
6. Eliminate quotes. Like Butthead says, "they suck!"
7. Comparisons are as bad as, if not worse than, cliches.
8. NOTHING is better than understatement.
9. Don't be redundant and don't repeat things.
10. Be more or less specific.
11. Colloquialisms shouldn't be used. If need be,
go around the barn at high noon to avoid using them.
12. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, derail it.
13. Rhetorical questions are stupid. Who needs 'em, anyway?
MAILBAG
From: Senator@kennedy.senate.gov
Subject: Re: RL-LNW Volume 84
BartCop:
You rock!
Thank you for your most recent issue of RL-LNW!
We sometimes read your newsletter at the dinner table.
Last month, Arnold tried to grab it away from me
as I read "Slappy's Top Ten Christmas Movies."
It was so damn funny, Maria blew milk out her nose!
I look forward to each and every issue of RL-LNW.
If you need to reach me, send e-mail to my regular address
"senator@kennedy.senate.gov" with "egdirb"
as the only word in the subject line.
My staff will know what to do.
You are a national treasure.
Sincerely,
Edward M. Kennedy
United States Senator
Did you see the movie on CBS about the dying girl who's last
wish was get to go to DC and meet Snoot Gingrich?
Wait.
That's not what happened.
The dying girl wanted to meet President Clinton.
Nobody wants to meet Snoot, the heartless troll.
It cost Larry Flynt over $1,000,000 to get to the Supreme Court.
How did poor I'm-not-in-this-for-the-money Paula Jones get there?
On Yahoo, using Netscape 3.0, RL-LNW is now 12th.
Tuesday, Rush talked about what happens when
you put "Limba" in the search box.
If you hit the slide bar once, you're in BartCop Country!
Thanks for the plug, Tubs!
However, the increased visibility has drawn the crazies.
Remember, just a few issues back we had nothing but polite
disagreement and praise? Now, we get stuff like this:
To: coppage@ix.netcom.com
From: JFR911@aol.com
Subject: Burn in hell you worthless asshole liberal!!!!!
First of all FUCK YOU!!!!
Your so full of shit.
Democrats are the scum of the world and you can be there leader.
Republican made more changes in two years than you faggot-fucking
liberals have in 50 years. I'll bet youi like niggers to.
Hope you fall in love with a Republican.
That's justice!!!!!
(I'm working on something special for JFR911.aol.com)
Caller: Rush, how can you say Newt is innocent?
He's so guilty, he has to pay a $300,000 fine.
Rush: Maybe so, but compared to the crimes committed by the
Clinton White House, he's done nothing.
?
(But Rush, it was a GOP House that voted for this,
and Clinton's never had to pay a penny.
Rush is so fat, if he dances at a concert, the band skips.
Dan & Marilyn were driving through Louisiana. When they reached
Lafayette, they argued about the pronunciation of the town.
When they stopped for lunch, they asked a stranger:
"Could you settle an argument for us?
Would you very slowly pronounce the name of this place?"
The man said, "Burrrrr gerrrrr King."
MAILBAG
To: BartCop
From: Snootette@mcveigh.net
BartCop,
Why are you always picking on my husband?
He's trying to renew American Civilization.
My husband is a great man.
We don't need your sarcasm.
Sincerely,
The Second Mrs. Gingrich,
(not the one he sued on her deathbed)
In one of the worst slurs I've ever heard from Rush,
he called Madelyn Allbright "the female Clarence Thomas."
But wait! That would means Allbright is extremely unqualified
for the position to which she was appointed, but even
knuckle-draggers like Jesse Helms say she's qualified,
so why would Rush slur the ambassador this way?
Because he hates women?
What do you call a group of millionaires watching
the Super Bowl on TV?
The Dallas Cowboys
And who is their new defensive co-ordinator?
Johnny Cochran.
We all know Rush fakes the calls on his radio show.
Last Friday, he saw his week running out, so he staged
three calls, right in a row in the last 15 minutes.
Fake Caller 1: Rush, what's your take on the Super Bowl?
He had a loooong monolog prepared about the game.
Fake Caller 2: Rush, are immigrants bad?
He had another long monolog prepared about the difference
between white immigrants and "lazy" dark ones.
Fake Caller 3: Rush, how are your ratings with women?
He just happened to have the ratings data nearby that shows
I'm up over 100% with lady sheep in every city in America.
(nevermind that women cost Dole the election...)
Porky, when you fake calls, at least spread them out and don't
bunch up the obvious fakes at the very end of your week.
If your staff of writers prepare something you think is clever,
at least budget your time so it's not so obvious.
Yet, the heavily-wooled people swear the calls are real.
RICHMOND, Va. (AP) -- The lawyer handling Paula Jones' suit
against Clinton said he was drunk when he was videotaped
offering to help another client appear in Playboy magazine.
Gilbert K. Davis, who also is seeking the GOP nomination
for Virginia attorney general, said he had "a couple drinks"
at the meeting with Ramona Hines, whom he is representing
in a sex discrimination suit against her former employer.
Last week, Ms. Hines, 30, released a 1995 videotape in which
Davis discussed with her a possible appearance in Playboy.
"I know what you want. You want to take your clothes off,"
Davis said on the tape.
"You want to take your clothes off and expose your body."
(Hell, it worked for Paula...)
There's another Paula Jones rumor going around.
One source told RL-LNW that the fateful 1991 meeting was just
a mixup due to miscommunication. The source said everything
was fine until Clinton decided to rest his drink on her head
while she gave him the agreed-to knobber.
Paula said "I am NOT furniture" and walked out in a huff.
Snoot, feeling so, so hurt by the House penalty, he now says,
"Anyone accused of false charges should get triple damages."
Let's see... The GOP spent $36,000,000 on Whitewater and they've
produced nothing more damaging than a billing-records anomaly
by a lawyer before he worked in Washington.
That can't be Clinton's fault.
So when does Clinton get his $108,000,000, Snoot?
If you like Rush Limba, you'd better be listening to him.
USA Today says Rush doesn't have long to live.
On Tuesday's front page, upper right corner says:
"Boorish, Big-Mouth Men Die Younger."
If Dittoheads had memories, they'd be miserable.
For two years, Rush said over & over & over & over & over
over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over
that the Republicans DID NOT shut down the government.
I remember that. Do you?
"BILL CLINTON shut it down, and the press is lying again!"
That's what Rush said - over & over & over & over & over
over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over.
But Monday, Rush said:
"Remember when the Republicans shut down the government in 1995?
They did it to show they were SINCERE about reforming government."
They did it to PROVE they wouldn't settle for anything less."
Well, isn't that perfect?
A two-year slur, right down the drain.
Great GOP Quotes
"When I wake up in the morning, I look in
the mirror and I love what I see."
--The Giver of Shade, admiring his fat ass 1/24/97
Poker at Al's
Now and then, big shot Republicans and NRA bag men gather
at Al D'Amato's clubhouse for a heavy cash exchange,
weakly disguised as a friendly poker game.
Rush: Hey, guys, look who I brought! Justice Thomas!
Thomas: No need to be so formal. Call me Stymie.
D'Amato: Hi, Stymie.
Bono: Glad to meet you, Stymie.
Dornan: Are you from Mexico? I'm not going to play poker with
some goddamn jumping bean. Did you vote for Sanchez?
Helms: I thought this game was whites only.
D'Amato: It's my clubhouse and Stymie can stay.
Helms: Well, I'll go. I'm late for a door-blocking, anyway.
Rush: First game is seven card stud - nothing wild.
Who didn't ante?
All: D'Amato!
Rush: Fonz, you cheatin' bastard, ante up.
Quayle: Dittos on seven card stud, Rush.
Dornan: Stymie, last time I saw you, you were wearing a dress.
Thomas: You see, Rush? You See? People remember.
Why I always gotta wear the dress?
I'm a Supreme Court judge.
Why I always gotta wear the dress?
Rush: Where's the food?
Quayle: Dittos on the food.
Rush: Knock off the dittos, Numbnuts.
Quayle: Dittos on the Knock offs.
Rush: Where's the goddamn food?
Dornan: Behind your fat ass, Moby! You almost knocked
the dip off the table with your pilodinal cyst.
D'Amato: What in the world are we going to do?
Our party is in a world of hurt. We need somebody
who can fight back, get us back in the White House.
Bono: Bob, who do you like in 2000?
Dornan: Hell, I'd go with Rush.
D'Amato: He didn't mean as a bed partner, moron.
Dornan: I'm on my last nerve with you, Olive Oyl!
Rush: Stymie, pass those potato chips.
Thomas: Yowza, Massa.
Bono: Rush, have you been losing weight?
Rush: Yeah, almost 15 pounds. I did it with hypnosis.
Quayle: Hypnosis? Really?
Show me! Show me!
Rush: I don't WANT to show you, so don't ask.
Let's play cards.
Quayle: Please! Please! Please!
Rush: No, I'm not going to show you, so stop whining.
Quayle: Please! Please! Please! Please! Please!
Rush: OK, OK. OK. Just stop whining!!
(One minute later.)
Rush: Go ahead, boy. Tell them your name.
Quayle: (very seriously) ..I'm Batman!
All: (Howls of laughter)
Quayle: I must get to the BatCave at once!
Rush: Batman, you have your custume under your clothes?
Show us your costume.
(Danny starts removing clothes.)
Bono: C'mon, Rush. Knock it off. He was Vice President!
Rush: Is that true, son? Were you once the Vice President?
Quayle: I'm Batman!
I fight evildoers!
D'Amato: That's enough Rush. What if you can't bring him back?
Rush: Well, ....crime would drop... (Laughs)
D'Amato: For the love of fuck, Rush.
Give Danny his mind back.
Rush: Why? What could they charge me with?
Petty theft? (Laughs)
OK, OK... Wake up, Danny.
Quayle: ...Please! Please! Show me some hypnosis!
Rush: Make him stop or he's Batman forever.
Dornan: Stop being such a shithead, Danny.
D'Amato: So, what will we do with four more years of Clinton?
I'm not looking forward to my next senate race.
Maybe we'll have a decent candidate next time.
Dornan: That fucking dirty yellow coward bastard Clinton!
He gets away with everything!
Billyboy Clinton is like James Bond.
No matter how thick it gets, he ends up in the raft
with the girl and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
Rush: Hey, that's pretty good. Did you write that?
Dornan ...Sure..yeah, I wrote that...yeah...
Rush: Stymie, get me more potato chips!
Stymie: Potato chips? Yes, Massa.
Quayle: Ooh! Let me try again. ..P....O...
D'Amato: So far, so good.
Quayle: ..T...
Bela: You can DO it, Danny!
Quayle: ..A...
Dornan: Little bastard might get it this time.
Quayle: ..T...
All: Go, Danny, Go!
Quayle: ..O...
All: (Loud Cheers)
Quayle: ..E!
All: (Groans..)
Rush: Can we please just play some poker?
Next Issue: My 1997 Interview with Ronald Reagan.
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Email the Author: Bartcop He's laughing at you!
