Great GOP Quotes
Remember when old Bob Dole was caught taking money from
the dreaded Log Cabin Gay Republicans?
Remember what his defense was??
"In politics, you never know where your money's coming from."
--Bob Dole, sooooo glad he didn't win
Maybe The DMC should hire Bob Dole to defend them against charges
they illegally/immorally accepted money from contributors.
Maybe not.
Note:
If you sent e-mail to the Editors of RL-LNW, and received a
message saying "Mailbox Full," please re-send it.
We are getting a lot of mail.
You'll never see Limba on Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect.
You know why?
If you ask Limba, he'd say because he's too important to stoop
to mingling with "the little people with the little ideas."
The truth is, he can't be seen in public.
You know why?
If you ask Limba, he'd say it's because, as a world leader,
he's too much at risk, like Lincoln or Clinton.
The truth is, America hates a lying, nazi whore.
You know why?
If you ask Limba, he'd say because the liberal press distorts
the views of friendly, fascist dictators.
The truth is, America hates a lying, nazi whore.
You know why?
If you ask Limba...
The "tolerant" folks at the Trinity Broadcasting Network cancelled
Pat Boone's show, "Gospel America," after viewers expressed outrage
over Boone's new CD - In a Metal Mood.
Pat Boone says "The sad part is after 30 years of being a devout
Christian, they now say I sold out, and were quick to judge me."
Boone is scheduled to appear on TBN's "Praise" April 15th.
He swears he will not apologize.
"The music speaks for itself," Boone said.
Pat Boone vs. the Coathanger Coalition?
Hmmm...
How many of you have seen the famous photo of Pat Boone
sodomizing a shoebox? If you've ever cruised the newsgroups,
you've seen this photo.
(I cannot send this picture via e-mail, as I did the Paula Jones
Penthouse pictures, due to the exposure of Boone's sex organ.)
Granted, it was the 50's, when he was young and wild, but hey!
BartCop was once young and wild, but I'll bet nobody has
a photo of BartCop sodomizing a shoebox!!!)
Between Pat Boone,
and Paula Jones,
and Jennifer Flowers
and Patty Reagan,
and Lance Rentzel,
and Jessica Hahn,
and Jimmy Swaggert's hooker,
and the rest...
why DO so many right-wingers expose themselves?
If you'd like to see this famous picture, I suggest going
to the alt.binaries.pictures.celebrities newsgroup and request
the "Pat Boone shoebox-sodomy" picture - someone will post it.
I, BartCop cannot post the picture, as I did Paula JOnes,
because the forces alligned against truth and honesty are
looking for ANY excuse to take me down.
That ...and a pornography bust looks real bad on a resume.
"I live to see the day when we won't have public schools.
Our churches will have taken them over again and Christians
will be running them. What a happy day that will be!"
- Jerry Falwell, America Can Be Saved, 1979
But Jerry,
what if the snake-handlers take over?
Will you want Janet Reno to step in?
Dan Quayle - Stand Up Comedian
This calendar thing is confusing.
In China, 1996 was the Year of the Dragon.
But 1997 is the Year of the Ox.
I'm so forgetful,
I'm still writing "Year of the Dragon" on my checks.
Ba-boom!
Did you know Snoot Gingrich has a plastic arm?
(AP) Atlanta - February 27, 1977
Off. Jeff Schwitzer of the Atlanta Police Department says he came up
on a wrecked BMW in the middle of Dresden Drive. He saw a white male
stirring inside, so he rushed over to check on him.
He found Snoot Gingrich, rising GOP powerboy, whining.
"Officer, look at my car. Look at my Beemer!!!" whined Gingrich.
"I wrecked my Beemer, my BEEMER!!"
"That pickup rammed me and drove away," he whines again.
"He took the door clean off my Beemer, my BEEMER!!!!"
Officer Schwitzer was furious.
"You crazy fool! Look at yourself. You're so busy whining
about your stupid BMW, you haven't even noticed your left arm
is torn off at the shoulder! Where is your arm?"
Snoot looked down and saw his left arm was gone.
He reacted with horror as he realized what had happened.
"My Rolex! My ROLEX!!"
How stoopid can the Republicans be?
This week, they went to the Breakers Luxury Resort at Palm Beach
to raise millions from GOP fat cats, militia-wackos, BIG tobacco,
the Cancer Lobby and the usual cash-for-favors crowd.
Snoot, as expected, slithered in the back door, fearful that a
cameraman might catch him stuffing cash into his pockets.
Snoot wore his whore pants, the ones with the big pockets.
People who attended tore off their name tags, so they couldn't
be identified as contributors to the Evil Empire.
"I don't need the aggravation," said one GOP bagman. "I just want
to contribute and get something done. What's wrong with that?"
Rep. Bob Livingston (R-Bonehead) said "What we're doing is very
legal and above board. The fact that we won't release a
contributor list is ...well, ...we don't HAVE to, that's why."
"We're just a group of honest Republicans who want to make a
difference in the way things are," said a Denver Cable Magnate.
Sen. Trent Lott, (R-Bonehead) saw no problem with asking donors
to dig deeper and deeper into their pockets for the GOP.
"I think for them to have this opportunity is the America way."
Spirits were high, and so were many famous Republicans, helped by
the $185 bottles of champagne. But things got a little out of hand.
As much as they wanted to keep things out of the papers,
several GOP big boys got drunk and had to visit the Emergency Room
of the Palm Beach Medical Center.
- Former VP Dan Quayle was brought into the ER after an attempted
suicide. He had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth
of vodka. When asked about the bruises on his head and chest,
he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall
in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
- Sen. Fred Thompson (R - Bonehead) was brought to the ER with
cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to
insert a catheter, a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell from
the foreskin fold. When Thompson woke up, he demanded to leave.
The nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had
found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"
- Rush Limba's huge body was pulled into the ER on a tarp by
nine firemen. While trying to undress him, an TV remote control
unit fell out of one of the folds under his arm. After an X-ray
showed something on the left side of his chest, his massive
left breast was lifted to find a gravy spoon. And lastly, during
a pelvic exam, a canned ham was found in one of the folds of his
crotch. Before releasing him, doctors removed pounds of lint from
his belly-button, causing even experienced ER staffers to vomit.
The ER crew nicknamed Limba "The Human Couch".
- A red-haired former GOP congressman from Orange County, CA was
playing "fun with food" when a cucumber lodged in his rectum.
Unable to get it out on his own, he showed up at the ER for help.
He was given was some pain pills and some KY jelly and told to
wait a while and he would soon be OK.
- Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchifelon, (R-Bonehead) came to the ER
with lower abdominal pain. During the exam, the doctor asked her
if she was still sexually active.
Mrs. Hutchifelon vehemently denied being sexually active.
"I'll have you know I'm a Republican, Sir," she barked.
The doctor convinced her to submit to a pregnancy test.
It came back positive. The doctor confronted her.
"The results of your pregnancy test came back positive," he said.
Are you sure you're not sexually active?"
Hutchifelon replied, "No, sir, I just lay there like a cadaver."
Shocked, the doctor said "I see. Do you know who the father is?"
Hutchifelon answered, "No, do you?"
- Arianna Huffington had a full cardiac arrest at her hotel and
was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. After thirty minutes
of resuscitation attempts, the old lady was pronounced dead.
The doctor told Michael Huffington his wife didn't make it.
"Didn't make it?" he asked. "Where could they be?
She left the hotel forty-five minutes ago!"
- John Sununu lay on a cot with his wife sitting next to him.
He was coming down from from "crank" that he injected into his
veins with needles he had been sharing with other drug addicts.
Concerned about this, the doctor asked the former Governor if
there was anything he might be doing that could put him at
risk for AIDS. Sununu thought a while and said slowly,
"Well, I've been fucking the dog..."
- Ralph Reed's boytoy was asked why he/she was in the ER.
He/she said that he/she and Ralphie were having drunken sex and
the condom he/she was using came off. She said she tried to
retrieve it with his/her fingers, but was unable to.
"I went to the bathroom and gagged myself to vomit,
but it just wouldn't come up," he/she told the nurse.
It'll be awhile before they offer $185 champagne to
the trough-happy GOP big boys and their bagmen.
We DID it!!
The International Star Registry sells star names for 44 dollars.
They let you name a star for all time and all nations.
Forever.
I spent the 44 dollars! I got the papers today.
(Even tho my Visa card was billed in December...)
Rush Limba deserves this honor.
He is a eunuch American.
As of February 24, TWO DAYS from our First Year Anniversary,
the star formerly known as ES-246577 is now "Rush Limba-LNW."
They sent me a crude map with it's location.
(For 44 dollars, it should be a better picture.)
Maybe I can scan it and put in in the next issue.
HA!
Wouldn't that be something if RL-LNW was in the news?
What if it becomes unstable and explodes, like El Puerca Grande?
What if NASA finds water or ice on RL-LNW?
It'll be front page news for months.
Trust me, $44 is cheap for an eternity of laughs!
In the year 2525, when all people have a head
the size of Moesha, people will STILL be saying,
"Hey, look up there!
The Lying, Nazi Whore looks extra bright tonight!!"
Great Rush Quotes
"As far as cloning goes, apparently you could breed a pig
who sweats gravy, but it wouldn't really be me."
(Intolerance is learned, not inherited.
MAILBAG
From: Ray A
Subject: Love story
Life Imitates Art
On Paul Harvey's News and views today he read a story about a
man who was seen repeatedly "fondling" a horse. They set up a
video camera and caught him in the "act" naked in the field
"inappropriately molesting" the horse.
Paul said he was was "shocked" that it was only a misdemeanor
and a short jail time would be the maximum punishment.
(And relieved, I guess)
Keep up the good work,
Ray
What's that law about a president serving only two terms?
How do we repeal that?
George Will, on "This Week," asked Madelyn Allbright if she
could "guarantee" there'd be no war after we left Bosnia.
What a stupid goddamn question, George!!!!!!!!!!!!
When Captian Kirk asked Spock a similar question, Spock said
"One can never guarantee the actions of another."
How our Secretary of State can guarantee that some Ollie North-style
loose cannon shithead isn't going to fire a weapon and start hostilities
in Bosnia is beyond me.
If BartCop was Secretary of State, and George Will asked me
that question on live American television, I would've said,
"Eat me, George. Can you guarantee no reporter will EVER ask
such a stupid goddamn question like that again?"
.but then again, maybe that's why I'm not Secretary of State.
Tale of Two Witties
There are two ways to get RL-LNW.
There's the fresh, wild-west-style e-mail version,
which the regular RL-LNW subscribers enjoy, and then there's
the html-formatted, archival, web-published version
that is enjoyed by up to 48,500,000 people.
The web-published version is sometimes slightly edited.
Certain off-the-cuff personal observations printed in the
e-mail version sometimes cannot fit into societal norms due
to certain copyright laws, libel laws and torts of slander.
Here at RL-LNW, we obey all convenient laws.
From: president@WhiteHouse.gov
Subject: Re: RL-LNW Vol 86
Dear BartCop,
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support.
I cannot tell you how much your newsletter means to me.
I receive over 4,000 e-mail messages per day from people
across the country and around the world, but I can say
I look forward to your RL-LNW newsletter the most.
Since I can't personally read every message, the White House
Correspondence staff reads my messages and they put all of my
electronic mail through triage.
The hate mail goes in one pile, the fan mail in another,
and the important mail goes in another. That's where RL-LNW is.
There's nothing better than seeing a fresh issue on my desk
when I'm getting that first cup of coffee in the morning.
But, sometimes I don't get to see it for a few days.
After the White House staff reads it, they show it to some
reporters, who send copies to their friends back at the newsroom.
Do I get to read it then?
No.
After McCurry and the press read it, they send copies to my
Cabinet and, if I'm lucky, Shalala lets me read her wrinkled copy.
From there, they make copies to put on the reporters' chairs
at McCurry's press briefing. Sometimes, McCurry is laughing at
something you wrote and he doesn't do his job as well as we'd like.
I've asked McCurry to read RL-LNW after his press briefings.
I must say, you are one funny son-of-a-bitch, except for the
Paula Jones stuff. I fail to see why that kind of humor is
necessary in your publication. You're much too talented
to lower yourself to that level, but that's my only gripe.
(I know you lived in Arkansas for a time.. did you know Paula?
That "BJ from PJ" stuff is funny. (but please don't publish this
in your newsletter. Hillary would f***ing kill me.)
The ONLY way you could have known that that was PJ's motto was
if you'd had her, too. Say, I'll bet YOU wear a "BJ-PJ" shirt!
By the way, could I get one of those?
I need an XXL, and could I pay you for it after I leave office?
I had Craig check your FBI file. It's clean!
How did you do that? I know something of your past, but the FBI
seems to be unaware of anything. But, then again, most of your
"stuff" occured during the eighties, when the FBI was a joke,
rub by partisan hacks and mad-dog snipers.
You, BartCop, are the best. I appreciate your loyalty.
I remember back in the dark says of '93 and '94, you kept saying
I would win big in 1996, even when I didn't think I'd make it.
You are a true friend.
When I leave office, if you ever want to sip some cocktails
or some babes, call me. Maybe we could get together in
Fayetteville and watch the Razorbacks kick some ass.
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
President
United States of America
Great Rush Quotes
"If anything, my opposition to gays in the military has stiffened."
--Radio Show, February 19, 1997
Poker at Al's
Every now and then, GOP powerbrokers get together with bag men from
Big Cancer
to play a friendly little game of poker. When we last left our
heroes, they'd gotten a surprise.
D'Amato: What the hell is that commotion at the door?
Masked Gunman: Allright Mother-stickers! This is a FUCK-Up!!!
Second Gunman: We mean business. Stay calm and follow orders
and nobody gets hurt. Understand?
First Gunman: EVERYBODY! Sit close to the table and put your
hands palms up where I can see them.
D'Amato: Excuse me, Gentlemen, but I'm Protected.
I don't think you want to...
First Gunman: Shut up, Baldy, or I'll shut you up hard!
Quayle: I'm a-scared.
Rush: Oh, great! Quayle just shit his pants.
Quayle: Did not! Did not!
First Gunman: QUIET! Ok, now, everybody hold perfectly still...
(He speaks into a cell phone.)
Yes, Sir...yes Sir, Mr. Reed.
All is secure.
D'Amato: Oh, no... Oh, no... Omigod, omigod...
Rush: Fonz, you know this Mr. Reed?
(First Gunman opens the door and in walks...
...Ralph Reed.
Buchanan: Ralphie, Baby! What's going on? Why the goons?
Reed:
Dornan: Ralph, why the silent treatment? Talk to us, buddy!
Reed:
Rush: Ralph, is there...
Second Gunman: STAY SEATED!
Reed: You can take off your masks, boys.
Largeant: Whew! It was getting hot under there.
Coburn: Praise Jesus Christ.
Rush: What are the Jesus Twins doing here?
Reed: Gentlemen...
......we have a problem.
D'Amato: Oh, God... Omigod, omigod...
Reed: Yes, gentlemen, we have a small problem.
(slowly circling the table)
As you know, I've spent many years and many millions of
dollars building my party into a powerhouse.
Rush: Your party? Since when di..
(Largeant smacks his Glock into the side of Rush's head.)
Rush: OW! That hurt!
Quayle: I'm a-scared.
Reed: (Still circling the table)
Gentlemen, most of you have been good for me...
But, I must tell you, I am ...somewhat disappointed.
There's a traitor at this table.
D'Amato: Omigod.. omigod...
Reed: Gentlemen, there's a man at this table who was given a
very simple job: To chair a committee that would pin
some crimes on the current President.
BUT... it seems this man had other ideas.
D'Amato: Please, please let me explain...
I never, EVER...
(Coburn smacks his Sig into D'Amato's head)
D'Amato: OW!
Reed: Gentlemen, there's a man at this table who made sure that
Bob Dole would win the New York primary without letting
other, more qualified Republicans on the ticket.
There's a man at this table who diverted a huge pile of
cash from his campaign fund to promote that stupid,
goddamn environmental bond issue here in New York
- against my expressed wishes.
There's a man at this table who accused House Republicans,
....MY House Republicans...
of "scaring Americans" with their right-wing agenda.
There's a man at this table who described my boy Dick Armey
as "a big bag of wind." That one hurt me - deeeeep.
(still circling...)
There's a man at this table who called Bill Clinton's recent
State of the Union speech "right on the mark." I don't think a loyal
member of Ralph Reed's army would do that. Do you?
There's a man at this table who's loyalty was questioned by
none other than the National Review, and you know what?
I don't LIKE being embarrassed in MY newspaper.
There's a man at this table who has made me angry, and I
don't like to be angry. I like being nice. I prefer nice.
I like old fashioned things, like loyalty. Loyalty is good.
I also like apple pie.
Tell me Senator D'Amato, do you like apple pie?
D'Amato: Please, Mr. Reed. Please try to understand...
I'm dying in the polls, I'm... I'm...
Reed: I'm sorry - you're doing what at the polls?
D'Amato: I'm... I'm...
Reed: Say it!
D'Amato: (crying) Please, Mr. Reed, please give me another chance.
Reed: SAY IT, Al. What are you doing at the polls?
D'Amato: (Weeping uncontrollably) I'm dy...dying
Reed: Senator, do you like apple pie?
D'Amato: Yes... yes... I guess so...
Reed: And tell me, Senator. Do you like Chevrolets?
D'Amato: Uh-Huh...(sniff)
Reed: Tell me, MISTER D'Amato, do you like baseball?
I KNOW you like baseball. Look here, in the corner.
I see a baseball glove and a bat and a baseball.
Are these yours, MISTER D'Amato? You like baseball?
D'Amato: Please, Ralph, plea...
Reed: That's MISTER REED!! MISTER REED!! MISTER REED!!
Quayle: I'm a-scared.
Reed: I asked you a question, Fonz. You like baseball?
(Reed picks up the baseball bat and slaps the
"sweet spot" into the palm of his left hand)
How long are you going to make me wait for an answer?
D'Amato: Yes, Sir. I like baseball (sniff)
Reed: (Still circling the table, he stops behind D'Amato and
whispers to him) Do you want to play some ball, Al?
D'Amato: Mr. Reed, please. I'm sure we can work this out.
Reed: One last thing, Al.
What's your position on abortion?
D'Amato: Fuck those women!! They don't deserve any rights.
I've seen the error of my ways, Sir. As of today, I'm pro-life
- for SURE!!
Reed: You see, Al?
You have no loyalty, Al.
You're a goddamn, disloyal, sell-out bastard.
D'Amato: Yes, yes, yes. It's true. I'm no fucking good.
Reed: I can make the pain go away, Al.
D'Amato: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
(Reed takes the bat in his right hand, raises it high above his
head and pulls down with all his might on D'Amato's head.)
(WHOMP!!!
(WHOMP!!!
(WHOMP!!!
"Do
(WHOMP!!!
you
(WHOMP!!!
see
(WHOMP!!!
how
(WHOMP!!!
I
(WHOMP!!!
handle
(WHOMP!!!
traitors?
WHOMP!!!
WHOMP!!!
WHOMP!!!
(A river of blood runs out of Senator D'Amato's head
onto the pressed, white linen of the poker tabletop.)
WHOMP!!!
Largeant: I think you can stop now, Sir.
WHOMP!!!
Reed: Well, now...Gentlemen... Does anyone have a problem
with the action I had to take today?
Rush: No, Sir.
Buchanan: No, Sir.
Dornan: No, Sir.
Quayle: (whimpering) No, Mister Reed.
Slappy: I ain't cleaning this up...
Reed: I don't like it when my sheep disobey.
All: Yes, Mister Reed.
Reed: A warning to the rest of you. This is MY party.
I... I am the Republican Party - understand?
All: Yes, Mister Reed.
Reed: The next traitor gets the same,
along with his whole fucking family.
All: Yes, Mister Reed.
BartCop, please un-subscribe me from your newsletter.
I find your "humor" vulgar and violent.
What you say about Rush and the Republicans isn't true,
or I wish it wasn't.
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