What do you think of when you hear people talk about Asian's
trying to buy influence with America's President?
I think of Von Reagan getting $6,000,000 for reading two
small speeches in Japan a month after leaving office.
"The best President Japan ever had."
What do YOU think of?
OK - The first problem we need to correct is this bad habit
of women over 50 dropping their britches in Playboy Magazine.
Nancy Sinatra, Farrah Faucet, Joey Heatherton, Donna Mills,
Faye Resnick, Nancy Reagan - the list goes on and on.
It pisses me off that these former babes wait 30 years
after their prime to take off their clothes for Playboy.
Hey!
Knock it off!
Cheeses of Nazareth!
If you insist on getting naked in front of a camera,
at least do it while you still have a body.
I don't see Kirk Douglas or Don Ameche showing off their
wrinkled, old asses for Playgirl, so what's up, girls?
At the very least, have some photographer shoot you when you're
still in your prime, THEN publish the pictures 40 years later.
Wouldn't that make more sense?
HEY!
You know that game, papers-scissors-rock?
So... scissors cuts paper. OK, I'll buy that.
And.. rocks break scissors, I'll buy that, too.
But.. paper "covers" rock? I don't think so.
That sounds like like some religio-wacko trying to invent
an excuse for why the big puzzle won't add up.
And since we're discussing church and state..
I think it would be a good idea to ask every candidate:
Does Bible "cover" Constitution?
Or does Constitution "cover" Bible?
There can only be one answer, and NO, you religio-boneheads,
it's NOT "Bible covers Constitution."
If you want to spread religion, God bless you.
But if you want YOUR hand on the public switch, you need to leave
that stuff at home and play by the rules when you're on the job!
Let it ring from the mountaintop,
Constitution TRUMPS Bible,
Every play, Every hand.
Rush took his private plane to Palm Beach.
As he walked into the airport, a man was heard screaming
"Nazi whore! Nazi whore!"
No, it wasn't a liberal heckler.
It was his limo driver trying to hook up with him.
True MINI-MAIL
From: jolso868@uwsp.edu
lern how to fucking spell you dumb fucking liberel
(I'd mock you, Sir, but the challenge is gone.)
---
From: changeme@milwaukee.tec.wi.us
Your'e an idot!
(Please, don't ever change)
---
From: 102441.606@CompuServe.COM
Subject: limbaugh
BartCop, You are a sick man plese seek help.
Here's an idea:
Each time I get some spam mail, some crap I didn't ask for,
I send them the latest issue of RL-LNW in return.
Fuck 'em.
If they're going to invade my computer with "really good"
ideas on how to make "tons of cash," I figure the least I
can do is educate them on the evils of fascism.
Feel free to do the same.
Next time you get spam mail, reply with an issue of RL-LNW.
They'll take you off their list.
Great GOP Quotes
"Gee, what a witty fag, HuMMM?? I will becume GAY now".
--Republican Bill Randolph, from last issue
From: billrand@stratos.net
(I've heard from several Republicans who suddenly turned gay
after reading RL-LNW Volume 89. Warn your friends.)
We need to give credit when it's due...
Remember that lady named "Edie" something who lost her two
little boys in the Oklahoma City bombing?
Remember how sad it was?
I remember Liddy was trying to blame Clinton and the FBI
for the bombing so he got her on his show a month later.
He was trying to get her to say she had heard rumors that the
FBI knew about the upcoming blast and the big boys stayed away
that day to save their lives, leaving the other 168 to die.
Edie said she never heard any rumors like that at all.
That was then.
This is now.
Edie has joined 34 other plaintiffs in a lawsuit against the
government saying they KNEW or SHOULD HAVE KNOWN about the bomb.
(If there's any evidence to support this, I haven't seen it.
Have you?)
Friday, on Tulsa radio, she said:
"I no longer hold Tim McVeigh primarily respoinsible for the deaths
of my children - he was going to bomb some building somewhere
no matter what. I now hold the United States primarily responsible
for the deaths of my two boys. The government is to blame."
I'm old enough that I shouldn't be shocked by anything these days.
I would've bet your tax money that there was no power on Earth that
could get that young mother to let "ol' Tim" off the hook
so she could blame "the government."
When I think back to that Memorial service they held after
the bombing, when they were playing Clapton's "Tears in Heaven"
for the dead children and all that, when most people thought the
bombers were responsible for the deaths....
And now this woman let's "ol' Tim" off the hook so she can sue her
government, I just have one thing to say to Rush and Liddy and Newt
and other Republicans who say "Government is the problem."
Job well done, boys.
Great Rush Quotes
"Am I an idiot?"
--Dr, Frankenslur, March 13, Radio Show
Ha ha
Back in Volume 88, I reported how Danny Quayle ate nitro pills
and drank a fifth of vodka and went to the hospital with bruises
all over his body. They asked what happened and he said he was
trying to explode the nitro by running his head into the wall!!
Ha ha
Four days after that Volume was published, Rush told
the fucking nitro story on his Radio Show!
Ha ha
But,
Ha ha
he didn't to mention Dan Quayle by name.
he just said it happened to "some guy,"
Again and again, I scoop "cutting-edge Baconboy."
What's this bullshit I read about Hillary in Africa?
She's spending MY tax money to give those people hope?
What a bunch of shit!
Those people are darkies - why do they need saving?
I'll bet they're giving her tons of cash so she can launder it
through the Chinese embassy so Bill can destroy America.
I hate her.
Bitch.
In the paper, it says she told the women of Zimbabwe that
they were part of society too! The NERVE of her.
Bitch.
She said "A Democracy depends on the full integration of women
into society, that they deserve the SAME OPPORTUNITY as men.
HA!
Has this lady ever read a bible?
Hillary told the dark women that they should support each other!
She told the women they should have "solidarity," which we all
know is a code-word for Leninist-Stalinist-Socialism.
Just like Rush says, men-hating lesbians always "do a dance"
when they hear that there's been another abortion!
This is perfect!
Hillary's going to destroy Africa with that same "equality" crap
that liberals use to spread lies here in America!
Rush is right - liberals are so fucked.
A fax G. Gordon Liddy chose not to read on the air:
4/26/95
Mr. Liddy,
Could you run through your Top Ten Best Ways to kill
federal workers for me? I lost my copy.
Long live the GOP!
BartCop,
Slayer of Liddy
>From the BartCop "See, I Told You So" files...
The new Governor of Arkansas, Mike Huckabee - the super-Christian,
says he can't approve the disaster bill to give low-interest loans
to the people who lost everything in that tornado attack because...
get this...
He'd have to call the twisters "an Act of God" to get funding and
HIS God would NEVER send tornadoes to hurt people in Arkansas.
Here we go.
Here we go with another example of why we don't need some ass
beating on a Bible when recently-fucked people suddenly need
help from their government to get back on their feet.
Let me repeat this, because it's important, especially to the
families who lost everything.
What would that BE like?
Let's say the tornado was NICE to you and your injuries were
just a broken arm and a dozen stitches. Now, as you leave the
emergency room, your spouse reminds you that you have no home,
no automobile, no clothes, no medicine, no cheese-grader, nothing.
For the first time in your life, you're totally dependent on
the kindness of others to feed and protect your family.
This is America.
We help our homeless, right?
People have friends and family to help.
(unless you arrived in town last Wednesday)
So ...so now you hear from the new Governor's office.
The new Governor is waiting for the Arkansas State legislature to
change the wording in the Arkansas disaster-relief laws so he doesn't
have to accuse God of causing the twisters in the first place.
Repeat: The Republican Governor refuses to blame God,
thus blocking funding for the victims.
BartCop has a question: How many examples like this does it take
for a sane person to realize that religious insanity has
no business near a courthouse or Capitol building?
Wait --
Do you hear that?
Listen . . . . . . . hear that?
..that spinning sound you hear is Thomas Jefferson's body.
This reminds me of a plank in the BartCop Quiz:
If a plane with 300 passengers crashes into a field,
and 200 people survive, did God save them?
Or did he cause the deaths of the other 100?
Can you have it both ways?
This is a question Arkansas' governor can't answer.
Meanwhile, people are homeless and penniless while they wait for
their Republican super-Christian governor to make a decision.
Former Governor Jim Guy Tucker, where are you?
Oh, that's right.
He's no longer governor because he did business with a man who did
business with the man America chose to lead our great country.
TWICE
The man the Republican-rabid-right wants to destroy at any cost,
so he's not able to protect Arkansans from Mike Huckabee.
They want Clinton sooooooooooo bad, but he's too smart for them.
Those poor people, wiped out by God's tornado.
Somehow, you just know if BartCop was Governor of Arkansas,
those people would be comfy in a Holiday Inn right now,
picking out house plans with the mortgage company they hired
to build their new home with their government loan.
..Yep, I just might get into politics,
since I'm so goddamn smart and have all the answers.
I'm in Oklahoma, so I'll register as a Republican, quote Jesus,
throw some personal slurs at Bill Clinton and win by 20 percent.
Hell, it worked for the Jesus Twins, Largent & Coburn.
Webster says,
prickling, (noun) the act or process of one that pricks
Then it has a picture of Rush.
Who says the Coathanger Coalition has no sense of humor?
The CC is displaying graphic, bloody photos of aborted fetuses
outside schools in an attempt to "disgust" students.
It's working.
I'm disgusted.
Coathanger Coalition Spokesman Jeff White said
"Public schools is where the abortion mentality is birthed,"
like he didn't get the irony of such a stupid goddamn statement.
Who says the Coathanger Coalition has no sense of humor?
Great Rush Quotes
"I hate to be dense."
-- Radio Show, March 12, 1997
Poor Snoot Gingrich
Did you see Crossfire Friday?
Bill Press watched Pat Buchanan and that Gary Bauer woman
of the Family Council-something and some other Republican
talk about what an inept, crooked shit Snoot Gingrich was.
Bill Press just watched and laughed.
Then, on Capital Gang Saturday, Demo Senator Patrick Moynihan
said he was NOT going to sit there and listen to Kato Burn
slur the hell out of Snoot!
It took them a second to get the joke, but it worked.
Poor Snoot.
When the liberals stop attacking him, you know he's in DEEP shit.
I almost feel sorry for the bomb-throwing bastard.
Almost.
Dick Armey and the nutty 1994 Freshmen called Snoot "off-key."
Trent Lott said "Mixed messages don't help."
Some New York Republican Rep called Snoot "Roadkill."
I hate it when the GOP attacks their own in more inventive
terms than I, anti-Rush boy, can come up with.
(Remember when George Will said old Bob Dole offered the GOP
nothing more than buyer's remorse? DAMN, that's good.)
But that's not Snoot biggest problem.
Rumor has it that Ralph Reed is not pleased!!
Snoot, you need to listen to me very carefully here:
Take some advice from your old pal, BartCop.
(Snoot gets every issue of RL-LNW - "fresh.")
If Ralph Reed asks if you like apple pie or baseball,
turn, and run like a motherfucker!!!!!.
You CAN do that, right?
(By the way, we've been getting lots of mail about the beating
Al D'Amato took from Ralph Reed. "Is D'Amato still alive?"
...Is a bear Catholic?
The answer in RL-LNW Volume 91.)
So Snoot, all I can say is...
when a mad bomber blows himself up,
there's not many people at the funeral.
Great Biblical Quotes
"Give to Bill Clinton what is Clinton's
and give to Almighty God what is God's."
--Jesus Christ, endorsing Bill Clinton's 1993 tax bill.
Why does Rush Limba always refuse to be on Larry King?
Everyone that's anyone in America has been on.
The last three presidents, the last four presidential losers,
Mark Furhman, Charlie Manson, Billy Graham, Howard Stern,
Ross Perot, Colin Powell, OJ Simpson, Scott O'Grady,
Dr. Kevorkian, Yassir Arafat, everyone everyone etc.
Anyone you can think of has been on - except Del Puerca Grande.
You know why?
Because Rush is afraid to go anywhere that he can't be the boss.
If he can't hide behind his urine-colored microphone,
there's no way he'll agree to be on an interview show.
If he went on Larry King, he'd have to ANSWER questions
instead of ducking them and going to a commercial like he
does whenever a liberal gets through, the coward.
Rush has no balls.
It's that simple.
Oh, sure, he's a BIG man when it comes to slurring the poor,
or laughing at Magic Johnson or making fun of how Joycelyn Elders
pronounces Eric Clapton's name, but he can't take the heat
when it's time to own up to his lying, bullshit rhetoric.
(Rush gets every issue of RL-LNW - "fresh.")
Why can't the greatest mind in all on conservativism
go on a talk show and answer a few simple questions?
What are you afraid of, Porky?
We both know what would happen, right?
Many of the 200+ million Americans who think he's a stinking,
lying gasbag would ask him embarrassing questions, and quick-witted
Larry might follow-up Rush's half-ass reply and he'd be stuck!
I can just see it...
Larry: Youngtown, Ohio. You're on...
Youngstown: Rush, you dirty, rat bastard!
Eat me, you mongrel dog!
Rush: ...I...
Larry: Here's a call from Scarsdale, New York.
Scarsdale: Rush, you rotten, fascist whore! Go to Hell!
Rush: ...I...
Larry: Tulsa, Oklahoma
Tulsa: Hi, Rush. I really think you're great.
I've dedicated my homepage to your greatness.
Limba: At last, a caller that's not a liberal wacko.
Larry: Caller, what do you like about Rush?
Tulsa: His honesty, his humility, his tolerence of others...
Larry: (cough)
Tulsa: Yeah, Rush. You're something. A true genius!!
I think every American should read my tribute to you
on the World Wide Web at http://www.ctyme.com/bartcop
Rush: This BartCop sounds like one smart cookie.
From: FizzTwo@aol.com
A man on his way home from work in L.A. is stuck in traffic.
He sees a cop so he says, "Officer, what's up?"
"O.J. just found out about the verdict, and he's very depressed.
He's in the middle of the highway saying he'll douse himself in
gasoline and light himself. He says he doesn't have $8.5 million
for the Goldmans, so I'm taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "How much have you collected?"
The officer says, "So far, four gallons."
The future of RL-LNW is very much in doubt.
I watched Jungle Jim Inhofe (R - Bonehead) on Crossfire
and I didn't hear him say anything that was really stupid.
Well, he did, but nothing that was pregnant with humor.
(Can you believe he's on the Intelligence Committee?)
Either I'm losing my touch or Jim Inhofe is getting smarter.
.and I refuse to believe that.
Correction
As all subscribers know, whenever RL-LNW makes a mistake,
we own up to it right away, to preserve our integrity.
Last Issue, RL-LNW said Rush Limba was "wailing" about the
unfairness of Clinton supporters spending the night in the
Lincoln Bedroom, even if Reagan and Bush did the same thing.
We meant to say Limba was "whaling."
RL-LNW regrets the error.
Remember this guy from our last issue?
I thanked him by e-mail for his "contribution" to Volume 89.
From: arich@rex.imperium.net
Subject: Re: Thanks for contributing to RL-LNW
Obviously you did not read my contribution if you think
I would appreshiate a subscription to your lies.
Do you really understand anything that you pontificate upon?
(Pontificate?
I was raised Catholic.... so, maybe)
MAILBAG Overflow
From: RASHARP324@aol.com
Subject: BRAINWASHED
I really don't believe you can be so wrong and believe you're
so right. You must be doing this meerly for attention,
but i don't think your'e getting it.
What goes around comes around and i hope you can live with the
results of the actions of the corupt Clinton adminstruation.
P.S. you really are ignoront
(This guy gets a FREE, no-cancel subscription to RL-LNW.)
---
From: Zi3@ttacs.com
Subject: You have got your Head up your A$$!!!
Its a$$holes like you that make us hard working people suffer!
Pull your sorry head out and wake up to the truth!
Your buckfucking friend Bill Clinton has sold us to the Commies.
But I guess that is what people like you want!
ASSHOLE Dickhead.
(Thanks for writing, but I gots to know...
How'd you pick that nick?)
OLD BUSINESS
We've gotten mail saying we misspell Steve Largeant's name.
This is a false charge.
We at RL-LNW spell Largeant's name correctly.
It is he who cannot spell.
Dramatic Pause
May I have your attention for a moment, please.
I, BartCop, hereby charge the unclean bastards of the right with
pre-meditated murder of what they call "defenseless little babies."
Allow me to explain:
Most liberals (and a majority of Supreme Court Justices) believe
that abortion should be a private medical matter between a woman,
her doctor, and sometimes, her God. (cough)
Many conservatives (led by their religious leaders) believe
that abortion is the deliberate murder of an unborn baby.
You're with me so far, right?
Everyone agrees?
So, let's talk about the upcoming vote on the sham bill banning
what they like to call "partial-birth abortions."
(There's NO SUCH THING as a PBA, but they call it that, hoping to
push the unstable mind into violence. Nobody would murder a doctor
or receptionist if they performed an "Intact D & E," so the
Coathanger Coalition throws a little gasoline on the argument.
Isn't that an un-Christian thing to do?)
Now, let's talk about money and political power:
The Republicans can't increase contributions to their party if
PBA's are made illegal. If anything, donations to the GOP would
DROP if they were illegal, because that war would be "won."
But they CAN get more donations from the rabid-right if they
portray America's twice-elected president as a criminal who
likes to see innocent babies being killed.
That's a gold mine for the GOP.
Now, stay with me.
Here's where the deliberate murder comes in:
The GOP is PRETENDING they're trying to outlaw PBA's, but they
INTENTIONALLY include language in the bill that Clinton warns them
IN ADVANCE he will certainly veto. Clinton WARNS them up-front
he will veto their bill, but they send it - AS IS - anyway.
Why?
"Why" is a simple question.
Fucking why?
WHY would the Republicans INTENTIONALLY include language they
KNOW will defeat their bill, a bill they SWEAR they want to pass?
Could a "pro-lifer" explain that to me?
Why intentionally include language they KNOW will screw them...
if they really want the bill to pass?
Think about it.
If the GOP called Clinton's bluff and removed the language that
allowed the mother's fertility to remain intact, Clinton would
be FORCED to sign it, saving thousands of "babies" every year.
My ultra-religio-wacko friend PapaX7 says they INTENTIONALLY
include this language because "it's a red herring."
So, hundreds or thousands of "babies" are dying a painful death
every year because "it's a red herring."
But that's the GOP objective, is it?
Why does the GOP include language to GUARANTEE that the number
of Intact D & E's will continue?
It's because of the money - pure and simple.
Show me where I'm wrong.
They don't WANT to save babies - they want money.
Matter of fact, if you listen hard, very, very hard, you can hear
the little "babies" as they beg for their lives.
"Please, please Mr. Gingrich, please don't kill me, please?
Please don't include the language in the bill that will kill me.
Please, please Mr. Lott, please don't kill me, please?
Please, please Mr. Lott, please don't include the language
that will kill me in your bill. Please, Mr. Lott?
Please, please Mr. Armey and Mr. Hyde, please don't let those
evil doctors suck my brain out and kill me just minutes before
I take my first breath, please Mr. Armey, please don't include
the language in your bill, please? If you take that language out,
I promise I'll be good and never complain or eat too much.
So please, Mr. Gingrich, please let me be born, please?"
Abortionist: Snoot, pass me the scissors, would you?
Gingrich: Here you go, Doc. Anything else?
Abortionist: Yeah, my wife wants a summer house in the Bahamas.
Can you keep the certain-veto language in your bill?
Gingrich: Are you a member of Team 100?
- Remember,
Hypocrisy stops a beating heart.
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Email the Author: Bartcop He's laughing at you!
