How did the coroner's office clean up the Heaven's Gate suicides?
He used a little comet.
Great GOP Quotes
"If he pays that fine with our personal money, I'm out of here."
-- Mrs. Snoot, .....and she's NOT bluffing!
"It's OK, honey. I've got a trick up my sleeve."
-- Snoot, stealing from a dead man's estate.
Love That Hate-Mail
From: coptic@flash.net
Subject: Re: Rush Limba - Lying Nazi Whore #90
Please remouve me from you crap list
so I dont have to get the FCC involved.
Punk!
Tim White
(Ha ha
Pass me the oxygen - I can't catch my breath...
Caveboy thinks the FCC can stop me?
Ha ha ha
How about a song?
Here's a great one from Frank Zappa:
From: You Are What You Is
Part 1 of a Trilogy
I don't know where she's comin' from,
but I just met a lady named Dyna-Mo Humm....
(Wait, ...cued the wrong song.
Here we go....)
THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT NOTHING
Some take the bible for what it's worth,
When it says that the meek shall inherit the earth.
Well I heard that some sheik, bought New Jersey last week
And you suckers ain't gettin' nothin'.
Is Hare Rama really wrong,
If you wander around with a napkin on?
With a bell on a stick an' your hair is all gone
The geek shall inherit nothing.
You say yer life's a bum deal 'N yer up against the wall
Well people you ain't even got no kinda deal at all.
'Cause what they do in Washington
They just takes care of NUMBER ONE
An' NUMBER ONE ain't YOU.
You ain't even NUMBER TWO.
Those Jesus freaks, well, they're friendly, but
The shit they believe has got their minds all shut.
An' they don't even care when the church takes a cut
Ain't it bleak when you got so much nothin'?
So whaddya do? Hey!
Eat that pork, Eat that ham
Laugh till ya choke on Billy Graham
Moses, Aaron and Abraham . . .
They're all a waste of time.
and it's your ass that's on the line
Do what you wanna, do what you will
Just don't mess up your neighbor's thrill
'N when you pay the bill kindly leave a little tip
And help the next poor sucker on his one-way trip.
You ain't got nothin' people,
(Tax the churches)
You ain't got nothin' people,
(Tax the BUSINESSES owned by the churches)
You ain't got nothing people,
(Tax the land, the art and the property owned by the churches.)
Oooooohhhhhh, yeeeeeeaaaaahhhhh
You gotta love Frank
Our con-dole-ences to baseball's Chicago Cubs, who were just
mathematically eliminated from the baseball playoffs
Dislike Mail
From: jdickey@network-one.com
Subject: I don't get it.
What is the mindset that creates an intellect such as your own?
You are obviously intelligent. You probably got a great score
on the SAT kind, but you are totally devoid of common sense.
J Dickey
(JD, yes, I'm not proud of the fact that I broke the bank
on the Iowa tests, as they called them at the time.
They assumed I cheated, so they made me take the test 3 times.
Each time, I scored higher.
Christ, how could I NOT?
Dan Quayle could pass a test if you gave him enough tries...
Besides, I was a Catholic altarboy at the time.
Perhaps my faith helped me?
(I've invited Mr. Dickey to write a piece for RL-LNW.
He's the smartest conservative I've met lately..)
Memo To His Lardship:
Please stop your incessant whining about how much viewership
has dropped for the network news programs in the last 20 years.
Excuse me, Prince of Whales...
In 1977, we didn't have 5400 channels to chose from.
You know, Rush,
there are people of limited intellect who can't understand
the concept of the idea that you're full of shit.
But ewe knew that, didn't ewe, Pachy!
Fair Warning:
To the son-of-a-bitch in the red Camaro who cut me off in traffic
on Highway 33, your days are numbered, bastard....
A Really Good GOP Quote
"Newt Gingrich paying this $300,000 fine out of his own pocket
says volumes about Newt the man and conservativism in general."
-- The Giver of Shade, radio show 4/17
Rush, I agree.
It says Snoot and the GOP were caught breaking the law.
Ha!
Snoot's RL-LNW Volume 92 was RETURNED to RL-LNW!
For the FIRST TIME, RL-LNW was returned as "undeliverable."
Snoot Gingrich - bless his disgraced ass.
As our old-time subscribers know, Snoot gets each issue of RL-LNW
"fresh" via subscription, since way back around Volume 30.
But now, April 14th, 1997, SIXTY issues later,
RL-LNW is rejected?
Snooooot.
Snoooooooootyyyy!!!!!!!!!
C'Mon, show ol' BartCop some balleroes!
Several explanations are possible for the returned e-mail:
1. Snoot didn't pay his electric bill.
(Not likely. He's more loaded then Limba at a buffet.)
2. Snoot is no longer on-line.
(No way. The Net is the future.)
3. Snoot's mailbox was full.
(Possible. It happened to me. God knows Snoot-the-Grinch
gets BAGS more mail than friendly, ol' BartCop!)
4. Snoot finally read an issue of RL-LNW!!!!!!!!!!
(Fucking BINGO!
I'm on Snoot's "ignore" list.
PROOF he can't face the truth!!
Ha!!
Snoot!
Snoooooooottyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!
Read Volumes 63, 72 and 87, you nutty bastard.
You just KNOW his staff has been reading RL-LNW all along.
From the goddamn beginning!
They f-ing HAD to be!
Honestly, if there was a comedy-satire magazine that
mentioned YOU every issue, you'd check it out, right?
The White House listens to Der Fat Fuhrer on occasion.
How could you NOT?
...like Hollywood stars say they don't read their reviews.
Oh, puleeeze.
So, not only have I made G. Gordon Liddy dance the whore dance,
I made Snooty hide behind a wall like a coward.
SNOOT!
Tear DOWN this wall!!!
You know I'm just kidding, buddy. Trust me. Right now,
I may be closer to you politically than the fucking GOP!!
Swear to Koresh!
The NY Times says your approval WITH CONSERVATIVES is 29 percent!!
(Excuse the hyperventilation, but isn't this the wildest thing ever?
I, BartCop, hereby declare, to all of America
that Snoot is right THREE TIMES out of ten!!
Check it out:
I, BartCop - Slayer of Liddy - King of Science and Logic,
give Snoot a HIGHER APPROVAL RATING THAN THE GOP!!!!!
BartCop rates Snoot 30 percent,
The GOP rates Snoot 29 percent.
The GOP is wrong.
Newt is LESS a prick than you think!
Somebody slap me or pinch me or prick me. (not you, Dornan)
HOW can BartCop give Snoot a HIGHER rating than his own party?
Ha ha ha
From: bill@bluenet.net
Subject:
When the shooting starts,
I want to be in your neighborhood!!!!
( ? )
The Baseball Riddle
I got a ton of mail - a TON - on the Baseball Riddle.
After 92 issues, we learn we have a baseball crowd.
Who knew?
The Riddle: How can 6 batters get hits in one half-inning
without scoring any runs?
Turns out, there are many answers to the riddle:
From: NSBM38A@prodigy.com
"I'll bet Lon Hariuchi, the FBI sniper at Ruby Ridge, shot the
runner in the head before he reached home plate."
From: mwatkins@gte.net
"I'll bet Dan Quayle was on third,
and was so goddamn stoopid, he ran to second."
From: vern@grail.cba.csuohio.edu
"Clarence 'Slappy' Thomas was off second base, staring,
and was hit by the batted ball, making the last out."
From: geo@3-cities.com
"Fatboy Limba couldn't waddle home before the end of the night."
From: cwvj09a@prodigy.com
"Dick Armey, the foul-mouthed Texan, is called out and
thrown out for screaming 'fuck you, nigger-faggot'
to the home plate umpire who is white and straight."
From: al_damato@bankfraud.net
"Indian!"
From: MFRR96A@prodigy.com
"Tom Coburn passed his Jesus-Twin brother Steve Largent
on the base path and was called out."
From: aleuf@aluf.seanet.com
"The FBI, the CIA, the Park Police, and the White House staff,
under orders from Hillary, murdered the home plate umpire."
From: dosgriss@msn.com
"Janet Reno gassed the entire park before the runner scored."
It turns out they're ALL right, except for Al D'Amato.
Great GOP Quotes
"Hillary Clinton is OBSESSED with money."
-- The Fatted Calf, burping...
Have you ever seen a fatter pot call a kettle black?
Jabba, let's define our terms, OK?
Hillary made $700,000 last year from the book YOU hate
and she gave the proceeds to charity.
Does that sound like someone "obsessed" with money?
Now, let's look at at Hillary's accuser:
"Hi, I'm Rush Limba, the lying whore.
I've made 100 mill in 4 years slurring America's president.
Wanna buy some nasal strips?
A carbon monoxide detector?
I'm a whore - trust me.
Wanna buy a Blimpie Sub-sandwich?
Some orange juice?
I'm a whore - trust me.
How 'bout some software?
A Pizza Hut pizza?
I'm a whore - trust me.
Wanna buy some software for your company?
Some Snapple?
I'm a whore - trust me.
Wanna buy a mattress?
Wanna buy a spa?
Even I can fit in this brand of spa.
I'm a whore - trust me.
Rush will sell anything but personal hygeine products.
After all, he has STANDARDS!
...yet, Hillary is the money-grubber?
Contest
Rush was almost arrested Friday night.
He was standing on a streetcorner about 6 PM Wednesday
when a New York City policeman told him to "break it up."
Rush smarted off to the cop a little, but he avoided arrest
when he agreed to have sex with the cop when he got off duty.
--
See?
--
That joke was pretty lame, right?
CONTEST!
What's the worst, least-funny joke BartCop ever told?
Check your file manager for each issue you've saved,
(cough)
and vote for the least-funny BartCop joke ever!!
Winner gets a night with Gennifer Flowers.
Loosen up, you "lurkers."
We know there's lots of people reading RL-LNW that aren't listed
in the DOCUMENTED 50,810,000 subscribers. We get e-mail from people
saying they share it at the office, with their cellmates, etc.
Lurk, if you must, but you really should check out the
World-Wide BartCop Discussion Area on www.ctyme.com./bartcop
You can lurk there, too.
The nicest women hang out there. That's where I met Kellye.
(....stop it, let's give her the benefit of the doubt.)
She asked if any BartCop Discussion-ers knew anything about
the KKK in Indiana. (Isn't that where Dan Quayle was "reared?")
.allow me to clear my throat...
Ahem..
---
Hi Kellye,
I don't know much about the KKK, being a liberal, but I support
their right to speak. They had a rally here in Oklahoma last year.
I was there. I was the white guy outside the fence.
Y'Know, I have a question of my own.
I'm not sure how membership works in the KKK.
I always wondered how they picked their members.
What if you're white, from Albania.
Can you join?
What if you're white from Bosnia, but you're Catholic?
Can you join?
What if you're a white Jew?
Whoa!
Call the committee into session, eh?
What if you're black, but you're white,
like Uncle OJ Watts or Clarence "Slappy" Thomas?
Can you pass?
What if you're married to a Jew?
What then?
What if your sister married a black man.
Can you still join?
What if they find out AFTER you join?
What if your white sister is married to Sammy Davis Jr?
Christ!
These are complicated issues.
Where's the rule book?
There MUST be a better way...
The alternative...
The alternative would be voting Democratic,
send Congress a message that we want racism stopped.
.but why hurry, Republica?
"I'm not a lawyer. I'm a historian."
-- Snoot Gingrich, April 14, 1997
Hey, Snoot!
What's the historical outlook for a bomb-thrower with a
approval rating slightly higher than necrophelia?
Is This the Greatest Rush Quote of All-Time?
Caller: Rush, I just LOOOOVE Snoot Gingrich, but most people
say he's pretty hard to swallow.
Pachy: I've heard that charge before, but I can assure you,
Newt Gingrich is NOT hard to swallow."
(Oh, really?)
The Class: Econ 101
The Teacher: Dan Quayle
"I want to show you that things are beginning to turn around."
-- Dan Quayle spotting a "Now Hiring" sign at Burger King.
(reported in Esquire, 8/92).
"A part-time jobs is better than no job at all."
-- Quayle, after the manager told him the jobs were part-time
minimum-wage jobs, which don't pay enough to live on.
God, I miss Dan Quayle.
I miss him a lote.
Who's your favorite Spice Girl?
Attention..
I figure Tim McVeigh is a right-winger.
Can I get a "ditto" from honest conservatives on that?
I'm not making that up, am I?
Asssuming he's on the fringe of the right-wing,
he's certain to believe in the death penalty, right?
I wonder if Ol' Tim sees the death penalty as a deterent?
Hey, TIM!
You're a man of principle.
That's your defense, right?
You, my never-see-the-sun-again friend, are a proud man?
If you claim "It wasn't me," don't come squeeling to us later
about your "work of art," like Ollie Traitor North.
You've only got three choices here, Timmy.
(This doesn't mean I represent the mad-bomber in any way.)
Choice One:
I did it!
I'm here to protest a strong federal government,
because Rush and Snoot and Armey and Gramm are RIGHT,
but nobody would listen to me until I murdered a bunch of kids."
Choice Two:
I'm a fucking loon!
Lock me up.
I'm Nutboy.
Choice Three:
I wasn't even there.
I have NO opinion about Clinton or Janet Reno or Waco or
Ruby Ridge and I generally trust our federal government.
McVeigh, you only get one choice.
Don't play Ollie North with us...
Republican MAIL BAG
From: joly57@msn.com
Subject: "rush Limbaugh"
bartCop,
we rull
Liberals will die because we have guns....
and no matter how much gun control YOU pass...
we still will weapons.
Keep preaching your sosculist slop.......
lull the "Amerikan" sheep into your delusionul dreams of "equality"
......and fewer alert "Amerikans"...the better for US!!!!!
your fucking luser
John Sagerian,
A Proud FREE Man!!!
(Pride On!!! My, Brotha!!!)
Cutting Edge BartCop
Reaching Waaaaaay back..
Back deeeep into the BartCop Archives..
Back...
when we were...
when we were...
when we were infants....in the political game.
>From RL-LNW Volume 1:
February 1996
"Buchanan sees Delaware as a victory because it further proves
1996 is an anyone-but-Dole election year."
Nine months later, Bill Clinton sent his second-consecutive
war hero to the showers.
Don't hate me because I'm right.
BartCop - Tomorrow's News Today
Great GOP Quotes
"If you saw what I saw, the videotape of the burned bodies of the
children who died at Waco, you'd know the FBI twisted the facts."
-- Tim McVeigh - in a letter to an Oklahoma newspaper
Hey, Tim!
If dead kids upset you so much,
why did you bomb a day-care center?
You fuck.
From: Anon@aol.com
Subject: Rush Limba
BartCop,
As you suggested, I responded to junk Email by sending back
a copy of RL-LNW. The results have been most gratifying.
Here's one example of the response I've gotten:
Subject: RUSH LIMBA - Lying, Nazi Whore Newsletter
From: mail@supremenetwork.com
To: Anon@aol.com
I'm Christian, Republican and an admirer of U2.
Funny stuff.
I see it comes from a poor, lost soul at NETCOM.
We won't mail you anymore, but maybe you can add me
to your 50-million plus mailing list?
The Supreme Network people
..BartCop-ism, spreading like a Chicago Fire.
At the bombing trial in Denver, one of the questions
the lawyers are asking potential jurors is:
"Are you to the political right or left of Rush Limbaugh?"
That's a joke, right?
No, it's NOT a joke.
Did they ask it wearing Groucho Marx glasses?
Besides David Duke and Ralph Reed,
NOBODY is to the right of Rush Limba,
..unless you count the defendant.
If Ronald Reagan or George Butch were asked, they'd have to say:
"We're to the left of Rush Limba. We support the Brady Bill."
If Barry Goldwater was asked, he'd have to say:
"I'm to the left of Rush Limba. I'm pro-choice."
If Snoot Gingrich was asked, he'd have to say:
"I'm to the left of Rush Limba. We should balance the budget
BEFORE we talk about tax cuts."
If William F. Buckley was asked, he'd have to say:
"I'm to the left of Rush Limba. We should legalize drugs."
The list is endless.
NOBODY but David Duke and Ralph Reed are to Moby's right,
..unless you count the defendant.
Fifty years ago,
Jackie Robinson broke the race barrier in baseball.
That took guts.
He went from town to town hearing "Fuck you, nigger."
Think about that for a second.
"Fuck you, nigger," again and again.
...all the time....
"Fuck you, nigger," over and over.
Me?
I think it'd get old.
I'm a smart-ass.
If somebody said "fuck you, nigger" again and again...
..violence might occur.
I'm certain of it.
But Jackie just TOOK it.
He HAD to, or change would've been slower.
Jackie Robertson was a better man than ol' BartCop.
On the road, he had to stay in "negro" hotels,
while the rest of the team was in "white" hotels.
That pisses me off.
It should piss you off, too.
They say Jackie was a good guy, a lively, funny guy, but he
kept his personality in check because, after all, it was 1947.
America wasn't ready for a black baseball player, and they
sure weren't ready for a "nigger with an opinion."
Fifty years later, half a fucking century,
America waits for their conservative brothers and sisters to
accept blacks just like they were "real Americans."
Hey, Republica!
We both know you'll accept them eventually, right?
Why not save the time and trouble and lost elections and
accept blacks EARLIER that what you feel is the "proper" time
You let them in the back door to visit, but your neighbors SEE YOU!
Why not let them walk in the front door - like they were equal?
eh?
.what??
A staffer says the gays are on Line 3.
They want to know when THEIR July 4th will come....
Can we get a schedule of your rights grants?
How 'bout it, Republica?
Gun-Grabbers of the GOP!
Tonight's installment of "Gun-Grabbers of the GOP" is the
handsome, young Congressman from Ohio's 69th district,
Representative John Kasich. (R-Bonehead)
When: Thanksgiving Day, 1996
Where: Mother's kitchen
John: Boy, the Cowboys are kicking ass, AGAIN!
Mom: Johnny, your language!
John: Sorry, Mother.
I got carried away....
Mother... may I speak with you about something?
Mom: Sure, Johnny,
What's on your mind?
John: ..ummmm...
..ummmm...
Jesus Christ! This is tough!
Mom: Johnny!
Your language!
John: Sorry, Mother.
..ummmm...
....the turkey tasted a little funny tonite...
Mom: Johnny!
You LOVE my cooking!
John: I DO Ma, but... but... but.. but...
Mom: I KNOW you, Johnny.
Tell me the truth!!
What's on your mind?
John: There's something I haven't told you, mother.
Something has come up.
Something big - REALLY big,
and it's something you need to hear from me.
Mom: Johnny, you sound so serious...
John: Mother, I would never intentionally hurt you.
You know I'd do ANYTHING to avoid hurt..
Mom: You're scaring me.
Tell me, right now!
What is it?
John: Mother, I have some good news and some bad news.
Which would you rather hear first?
Mom: Whew!
Already, I feel better.
Give me the GOOD news.
John: I'm getting married in a couple of weeks.
Mom: Married?
You?????
Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!!
To who????????
John: Oh... some girl I work with, you don't know her.
Mom: Oh, Johnny, I'm so HAPPY for you.
Johnny, I'm so relieved.
Oh, Johnny!
I always thought you were... gay.
John: ....and..... then....
...there's the bad news.
Mom: I don't understand.
John: It's very complicated, and it's all Newt's fault.
Mom: I thought that Newt-fella was your friend.
John: Mom, in politics you don't have friends.
You only have people who agree to fuck you slower.
Mom: JOHNNY!!!!!!!
John: Sorry, Mom.
I'm trying to EXPLAIN something to you.
Mom: ...and you need the "F" word to explain something to me?
John: Well.... in a weird sort of way... yes........
Mom: Well, then,...spit it out.
(cough)
John: You see, I'm a Republican, and I can't win re-election
if my private life is revealed to the bigots I slum with.
Mom: Your PRIVATE life?
Johnny, I don't speak Beltway.
What does THAT mean?
Tell me, Johnny!
Don't keep me on the hook like this!
John: Mother, I love you....
butt...
butt...
I'm gayer than Liberace's pool boy!
Mom: (faints)
John: Mother!
Mother!
Mom: (..waking up...)
So.....
Let me get this straight - no pun intended.
John: No pun received, Mother.
Mom: Thank you, Johnny.
So.... you're as gay as a gay person can be?
John: Yes, Mother, but I never meant....
Mom: And you're getting married to cover the fact you're gay
so that Newt-fella will let you keep your job?
John: That's pretty much the situation..
Mom: So...
Does this mean you engage in sex with men?
John: Yes, Mother.....
That's the whole point.....no pun intended.
Mom: No pun received, Johnny...
John: Thank you, Mother.
Mom: So...
You might... kiss a man?
John: Yes, Mother..
Mom: ...on the mouth?
John: (whimpering)
Yes, Mother..
Mom: You might invite a man's tongue... into your mouth?
John: (weeping)
Mother, I NEVER meant to hurt...
Mom: ...and you might take a man's penis into your mouth?
John: (sobbing uncontrollably)
Yes, Mother...
YES! YES! YES!!
Mom: .....and you say my turkey tastes a little funny?
We're off to Las Vegas with YOUR tax money!
Wish us luck!
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