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BartCop Presents...
===========================================
RL-LNW Volume 100 - The Wizard of
Ahhs
===========================================
July 27, 1997
I was looking forward to a quiet evening.
Mrs. BartCop was in Dallas visiting her folks,
so I thought I'd
use the time to check out this "Dark Side of
the Wizard of Oz"
craze that's been sweeping the Net.
If you haven't heard, they say if you start Pink
Floyd's "Dark Side"
at the same time as "The Wizard of Oz," you'll
see startling,
can't-be coincidences in the two, so I decided
to see for myself.
I was careful to start the CD on the third roar
of the MGM lion.
They say it's important to synch the start with
the third roar.
The movie and CD began to play...
The first few minutes were uneventful...
I tried to follow the clues I got from the Pink
Floyd newsgroup.
I must say, much of the "coincidences" were pretty
lame.
For instance, while listening to the song "Breathe,"
it appeared that Dorothy was breathing.
Cheeses, Biblical prophesy holds more water.
But after a few moments, a strange feeling came
over me.
I felt an eerie accelleration, a kind of "speeding"
effect.
I thought I saw the walls of my living room "breathing,"
but of course, that wasn't possible...
right?
My mind was racing and I was seeing things in
stereo.
It was almost like the descriptions of LSD "tripping"
that
I'd heard from my college friends. One would
think I was having
an LSD "flashback," but that's not possible,
since I've never
done any LSD, not even back in college in the
70's. (cough)
The Wizard of Oz continued to play on the TV as
Pink Floyd fell out of my speakers.
I hadn't heard "Dark Side" in years. Christ,
what a piece of work!
I'd forgotten how great a piece of music it is.
On the TV screen, Dorothy rode her bike towards
her house, trying to get home
before the terrible tornado could get her. I,
too, felt a sense of panic as the feelings
of dread seemed to grow stronger and stronger.
I felt her fear.
Why was I feeling this way?
It made no sense.
I felt a shiver go up my back, causing me to shrug
my shoulders with a whiplash motion.
Each time that happened, it seemed like ol' BartCop
got a ball park higher than before.
I tried to concentrate on the movie, tried to
use my mind to overcome the sense of doom
that seemed to be rushing towards me. The panic
seemed to get stronger and stronger.
I felt like Mr. Spock anticipating Pon Far.
I wondered if the GOP hadn't somehow found a way
to get to me.
As you know, back in Volume
94, the GOP tried to assassinate me, because I've been
shining the light of truth on Ditto-heads.
The GOP was willing to murder 141 people on that
flight from Las Vegas to Tulsa, using Clarence
"Slappy" Thomas as a tool to stop the publication
of truths in RL-LNW!!
Clarence - he's such a tool...
I tried harder to focus, to control my thoughts.
I fought and fought to build walls in my brain,
imagining that the evil couldn't get me
if I kept a wall between it and me. I was
fighting for control of my mind.
Just as I thought they might be winning, I glanced
back at the TV, and I couldn't believe it...
What I was seeing?
I saw something funny.
Not only was it funny-peculiar, but it was also
funny ha-ha.
Staring at the Wizard of Oz, staring at the Dorothy
character,
who we all know was played by Judy Garland...
I saw......
Bob Dole.
Dorothy had Bob Dole's face!
My fear and panic turned into amusement.
No, it was more than amusement, it was actually
funny!
No, it was past funny, it was downright fucking
hysterical!
Bob Dole, wearing a dress, was flying in Dorothy's
spinning house,
riding out the terrible F-5 Kansas tornado from
Hell.
I know this is hard to imagine, but let me assure
you,
Bob Dole in a dress makes one ugly woman!
My fear was gone, replaced with titters, then
non-stop laughter, and before long, I was stuck in a
can't-breathe laughing wormhole!
I couldn't stop, and I was getting sore. My ribs and sides were hurting
really bad. I haven't been this out of breath
since I sat in for Micheal Flatly in the summer of 1995.
I poured myself a Black Russian, because
I remember once on an old Saturday Night Live,
when Dan Akroyd was playing Jimmy Carter, a panicky
LSD-tripper called him for advice,
and "Jimmy" told the kid to drink a beer if he
had one, because alcohol was a depressant that
would counter the speed effect of LSD,
...assuming that's what my problem was.
The drink seemed to calm me down, so I had another.
Just as I felt like I had a little control over
myself again,
I noticed Dorothy's dog looked just like B-1
Bob Dornan!
He was yapping and yapping and never stopped.
I was doing OK until Dorothy called her dog "Re-count."
That set me off laughing again, but it was WORSE
this time.
Re-count was staring right at me, and
by now, I'm in a bucket.
I thought about calling 911.
I felt like I was seeing a slow-moving UFO or
something...
So Dorothy stood up from the no-longer-spinning
bed and walked towards her bedroom door.
When she opened the door, the picture changed
from black and white to technicolor.
That set off another wave of spinning colorwheels
in my head. At this point,
I wished I had tried LSD back in college,
so I'd know how to handle this trip...
Re-count jumped into Dorothy's arms as she took
her first steps into this new, multi-colored universe.
Just as she did, the alarm clocks from "Time"
on Dark Side exploded from my speakers,
shooting me into yet another higher plane of
non-reality.
I grabbed the arms of my La-Z-Boy and held on,
trying to concentrate
on controlling my laughing spasms. I poured another
Russian, too.
As Dorothy stepped into the strange, new land,
she heard titters.
Slowly, hundreds of "little people" revealed
themselves to him/her.
Dorothy asked "Where am I?"
A tiny man said "This is Sply-Side City."
A small person with a goatee told Dorothy Dole
that she'd just landed
her house on Nancy, the Wicked Bitch of the West,
killing her.
Dorothy Dole asked, "Am I in trouble?"
Dorothy denied any culpability, but she
suggested they appoint a
bi-partisan, blue-ribbon committee to study the
situation.
Just then, Ralph, the Wicked Bitch of the East appeared.
Ralph Witch: You killed my friend, Nancy.
I'll get you for this, my pretty!!
Then the GOOD Witch, Barbara, dropped by in a
bubble and told the evil Ralph Bitch
to take a fucking hike. Ralph disappeared, but
Dorothy knew she hadn't seen the last of him/her.
Dorothy looked around and was amazed at the spectacle.
The tiny Mayor of Sply-Side City, who looked
like Tom Delay, asked him/her, "Where is your home?"
Dorothy/Dole wasn't sure what to say.
She wanted to tell the truth, but who WERE these
people?
She decided to tell the whole truth, nothing
but the truth.
"Dorothy's from Kansas, and she has a luxury
condo in
Loserville, Florida plus a suite at
the Watergate."
They ignored that straddle, and started dancing and singing:
"Ding, Dong, the Bitch is dead.
The mean old witch, the Wicked Bitch.
Ding Dong, the Wicked Bitch is dead..."
Then, Mayor Delay welcomed her with a proclamation
and
a tiny trio of citizens walked up and start singing:
"We represent the Rifle Lob-Bee,
the Rifle Lob-Bee,
the Rifle Lob-Bee,
and in the name of,
the Rifle Lob-Beeeeeeeeeeee,
....weeee'd like to welcome you with tons of cash."
Then they dumped bundles of used $100 bills at his/her feet.
Jesus, their voices had the same pitch as Liddy
Dole.
Does everyone in Sply-Side speak this way?
Then, another trio of altitude-challenged people...
"We represent the Cancer Lob-Bee,
the Cancer Lob-Bee,
the Cancer Lob-Bee,
and in the name of,
the Cancer Lob-Beeeeeeeeeeeee,
....weeee'd like to welcome you with tons of cash."
More money.
Bags of bundles of used hundreds.
Re-count licked himself.
Dorothy was confused and frightened.
For the first time ever, she had trouble making
a decision.
(cough)
She wanted to go home.
The Good Witch Barbara told her to get help.
Dorothy: Help? Who do you suggest?
Barbara: Go ask the Wizard of Ahhs.
He's our leader.
Maybe he can help you!
Dorothy Dole was about to embark on the biggest
journey of his/her
career, and didn't have a clue which way to go
or how to start.
Good Witch Barbara told Dorothy that the all-knowing
Wizard
lived in the Great Castle in the Shining Emerald
City on the Hill.
Barbara: Dorothy, all you have to do is follow the road.
Dorothy: What's this road called?
Barbara: The Yellow Prick Road.
Dorothy: The
Yellow Prick Road?
That's an odd name.
Why do you call it that?
Barbara: The Yellow Prick Road is really
"Rush Limba Boulevard," but the locals started calling it
the Yellow Prick Road after the fat bastard dodged the draft.
Dorothy: I hate draft-dodgers.
Barbara: Some people say the Yellow Prick
Road leads to freedom.
Some say the Yellow Prick Road Road from Sply-Side is
the answer for all of America's problems.
Some say it's the best thing ever, even for the poor,
the old, and the non-producing little people.
Dorothy: I notice
you say "some" people.
What's YOUR opinion?
Barbara: My opinion?
You silly person. I'm a Sply-Sider with a uterus.
I don't have an opinion.
We just do what our men tell us to do, like the good book says.
So Dorothy took off down the Yellow Prick Road.
Then, just as the Pink Floyd song "Brain Damage"
started,
Dorothy met a scarecrow. His name was Danny.
This Scarecrow guy was really, really slow.
How slow was he?
Slower than a pregnant nun walking to confession.
Then Danny the Scarecrow, out of the blue, started
singing,
"If I only had a brain," for no goddamn reason.
"You can bet that I'm a thinkin,
'bout my eyes that don't be blinkin'
...If I only had a braaaaain."
Dornan, I mean Re-count, licked himself again.
As the lyrics "The lunatic is on the grass," played,
Danny
the Scarecrow was standing on the grass, picking
his nose.
Dorothy told him of her quest to find the Wizard
of Ahhs.
Scarecrow asked Dorothy if he should go with
her and ask the Mighty Wizard for a brain.
"You've got nothing to lose, my friend," Dorothy replied.
So Dorothy/Bob and Danny the brainless Scarecrow
headed toward the Wizard.
She hoped the Wizard was as great as advertised.
As they walked, Dorothy started to get hungry.
She saw some apple trees and decided that would
make a good lunch.
As she approached the ugly, old apple tree, it
GRABBED her!
Dorothy: Jumping Jesus! This ugly, old tree is alive!!
Danny: That's no ugly, old tree.
That's Jesse Helms!
Suddenly, the Ralph Reed witch appeared on top
of an old house and demanded that
Scarecrow spell the word "potato."
The Scarecrow tried his best:
"...D..."
The Wicked Witch cut him off: "It STARTS with a 'P', Think-Tanke!"
"I'm nervous...," Danny pleaded.
"...P..
...O..
...O.."
"WRONG," the Wicked Witch cackled and hurled fireballs at him.
Only Dorothy's cool head kept Danny from burning to death.
Farther down Yellow-Prick Road, just as Pink Floyd
was singing
"Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash,"
they saw
a Tin Man with an ax in his hand, but he wasn't
moving.
He was frozen - stiffer than Walt Disney.
What a strange looking creature this son-of-a-bitch
was...
For the love of fuck, he wore a funnel on top
of his head!
"Wait... listen," Dorothy
said.
"Do you hear something?"
"...mmmm...mmmm..." the Tin Man seemed to say.
"Is he trying to talk to us?" she asked the Scarecrow.
"...mmmm...mmmm..."
"...MMMM...MMMM!!!"
Yes, he's saying something....
What is it?
..Is he saying "...oil can?"
No...
no....
He's saying "...tax cut."
He wants a TAX CUT!
The crazy son-of-a-bitch wants a tax cut
more than he wants the freedom to move or speak!
Then, he said "Oil can."
Dorothy asked him what he wanted oiled first.
The Tin Man said "My middle finger, then my jaw."
When they finally got his jaw free, they were
tempted to rust it back up because
the Tin Man wouldn't shut the hell up! Dorothy
Dole said he made more noise
than Re-count, the yapping dog that never, EVER
stops yapping.
The Tin Man said his name was Snoot.
Just like Danny, this Snoot-creature was defective!
He started singing another tasteless song.
"There's some poor kids who need helpin'
but I don't hear their yelpin'
and it tears me aparrrrrrt,
(...chortle)
Those kids may be presumin'
that my mother was a human,
'cept that I don't have a hearrrrrt."
"Another job for the Wizard,"
Dorothy thought.
"This sick bastard needs help, QUICK!"
she fumed.
Re-count peed on the Tin Man's leg.
Back on Yellow Prick Road, they soon ran into
darkness.
Danny and Snoot, I mean the Scarecrow and the
Tin Man, were kittenish with fear,
their insides trembling like bunnies, shaking
with terror, afraid of the darkness and the future.
"There may be critters in these woods," said the Scarecrow.
"Critters? What kind of critters?" asked Dorothy.
"Liberals, homos and blacks," said Tin Man.
"Oh, my!" said Dorothy, trying to get a chant going.
"Liberals and homos and blacks - Oh, My!"
"Liberals and homos and blacks - Oh, My!"
"Liberals and homos and blacks - Oh, My!"
"Liberals and homos and blacks - Oh, My!"
they shouted.
"I don't like this one bit," said the Scarecrow.
B-1 licked himself again.
As they turned a corner, as "Money" played on
the stereo,
they come upon a HUGE, ferocious Lyin'.
He was one fat, scary son-of-a-bitch, too.
He outweighed everyone in Dorothy's group combined!
But, this was no ordinary Lyin'.
He was a Hornotsi Lyin'.
Just as he opened his mouth to speak, Pink Floyd
was singing
"Don't give me that goody-good bullshit."
He jumped at them and ROARED at tiny, defenseless
Dorothy.
He beat his chest and made jokes about killing
her and eating
her yapping goddamn dog, Re-count.
This Hornatsi Lyin' was a crude, tasteless
animal.
His behavior was so crude, Scarecrow felt light-headed.
Then, the Lyin' says:
"My name is Rush, the Cowardly Lyin'.
C'mon, put 'em up!
C'mon, put 'em up, I DARE ya!!
C'mon, I'll fight you...
...WITH ONE HAND TIED BEHIND MY BACK...
...JUST TO MAKE IT FAIR!!"
(Koresh as my witness, it's in
the movie.
Get your copy out and
check it.
Can we get some people
in here to mop up the irony?
I can't feel the floor
under my feet.)
Old Bob Dole, I mean Dorothy, got fed up with
his boarish
(sic) behavior and decided she would stand up
to him!
With her good arm, she slapped him, right on
the cheek!!!
Cowardly Lyin' was startled, then looked down
and started crying.
He was shaking, worse than Reagan's head in a
helicopter!
He wimpered and cried, then soiled himself and
basically felt
like a dick in front of the woman and the two
circus freaks.
(Special Inside Joke - Bite
me, FatBoy!)
Rush gets every issue of
RL-LNW fresh!)
"My goodness. You're making such a fuss!" said Dorothy.
"I know. I'm a big pussy," the Cowardly Lyin' said.
"You're nothing but a coward," Dole said.
"You're right. I'm a dirty, stinking, yellow-prick
coward."
(Speech to Heritage Foundation,
Fall '94, pg 7)
Turns out, the Cowardly Lyin was just an insecure
failure.
If anyone said "Boo," he soiled himself.
Dorothy noticed the Cowardly Lyin' was limping.
"Is something wrong with your leg, Rush, I
mean Lyin'?"
"Well," he replied, "I have a giant,
infected cyst on my tail,
and I endure chronic suffering from
the male itch!"
"Thanks for all the details,"
Dorothy said with heavy sarcasm.
"Another job for the Wizard,"
she thought to herself.
The foursome proceeded down Yellow Prick road,
searching for
the Mighty Wizard of Ahhs who might solve all
their problems.
At last, they saw the Wizard's castle in the distance.
They were very, very close
to realizing their goal. But, they were
standing in a poppy field, and they were
overcome by the smell of heroin, and they all
fell asleep.
Where's a hero when you need one?
LOOK!!
Here comes Ollie North in a bi-plane!!
Ollie flew over and tore open a kilo of Contra
cocaine and dusted the field with it.
Dole/Dorothy and the gang sniffed the coke and
it awakened them - refreshed and ready.
They were definitely "off" to see the Wizard!
Meanwhile, the Ralph Witch followed their progress
on his Cuseeme Computer!
He saw them get closer and closer to the Wizard
that they just KNEW could help them.
When they finally reached the Castle, they were
met by the Wizard's Press Secretary,
Bill Bennett. (Better than you)
He wouldn't allow them in to see the Wizard.
"No Visitors. Can't you see the sign?" said Bennett.
"Oh, no," the Cowardly Lyin said. "You GOTTA let us in."
Bennett: "These days, NOBODY gets in to see the Wizard."
The Cowardly Lion replied, "You MUST let us
in.
Cheeses, I got my infected cyst lanced for
this!"
"NOBODY gets in," screamed Bennett, a man of compassion.
Dorothy scanned the crowd and noticed two old
friends,
Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers.
"Excuse me, Sir," Dorothy
said, "But I KNOW them.
They're close friends of mine!
They're the whores of a different color!"
[the only joke I'm proud of]
That was good enough for Bill Bennett. (Better
than you)
In they went!
====
When they finally got in to see the Wizard, they
could only see the image he projected on the screen, not the man himself.
The image said "Well...Ahh...Ahh...
I'll grant all your wishes if you do me one little chore first:
I want you to bring me the Ralph Witch's Golden
Coathanger."
"That bastard," they all thought at the same time.
"Who does he think he is? That's not fair.
What makes the Wizard so special?" they
wondered.
The Cowardly Lyin, for the first time in his life,
stood up
and said "See here, Wizard. We came a long way
and...."
The Wizard: "YOU DARE CHALLENGE ME, FATBOY??"
Rush the Lyin' soiled himself again, then ran
down the hall in a terrible panic and jumped through a window.
Dorothy and her misfit circus freaks found him
and set out in search of Ralph Reed's Golden Coathanger.
After a while...
Danny: Look! Up in the sky!
Snoot: It's a bird!
Lyin': It's a plane!
Dorothy: No,
It's Clarence Thomas, the Flying Butt-Monkey!
And he's brought the Jesus Twins, Coburn and Largent!
Christ, it's the entire 1994 GOP Freshman Class.
Yep, all 73 of the 1994 Republican freshman were
coming after Dorothy and her geeky friends.
Everyone was there but Wes Cooley, who had to
resign due to theft, lies and cowardice.
Clarence "Slappy" Thomas was taking his place.
Clarence and the Flying Butt-Monkeys took Dorothy
and the gang prisoner
and delivered them to the evil Ralph Witch.
The Ralph Witch threatened Dorothy with a very
painful beating.
(Sen. D'Amato, call your office.)
Ralph and his Butt-Monkeys looked into her crystal
ball and saw a welfare family
trying to make ends meet under the GOP Congress.
It was a black woman, searching
for enough cash to buy some formula for her baby.
The Ralph Reed witch and the
73 GOP Butt-Monkeys laughed at the black mother's
dispair.
"Welfare Queen"
they shouted together.
What fun they had!
Dorothy: Ralph
Witch, Sir..Madam.. I need your Golden Coathanger,
to give to the Wizard of Ahhs so I can get back home.
Ralph: I'll GIVE you the Golden Coathanger
on one condition:
Wear my Coathanger Coalition ring in your nose.
Dorothy reluctantly agreed.
What choice did he/she have?
The Ralph Witch released them to go back to the Shining City.
When they finally got back to the Wizard, they
told him they had Ralph's Golden Coathanger.
And since they did, they said it was the Wizard's
turn to deliver on his promise to help them.
When the Wizard tried to welch on his end of the
deal, Re-count
wandered off behind a curtain and pulled it aside
with his teeth.
Holy Monster Deficits!
The "Great Wizard of Ahhs" looked just like Ronald
Reagan.
Nancy was projecting special effects, and Dorothy
realized she had fallen for an awful ruse.
Their entire trip was wasted. They
risked all to get the Golden Coathanger, ...all for nothing.
"Pay no attention to the old fool behind the curtain,"
said the disembodied voice.
"He's not important, never was..."
"LOOK!" Dorothy
shouted. "It's the Wicked Bitch of the
West!
I didn't kill her, after all."
Snoot: So, what do we do now?
We're fucked.
Lyin': Speak for yourself, Tin Man.
Re-count peed on Snoot's leg again.
Dorothy: So,
now everything is very clear to me.
The Yellow Prick Road leads to nothing but failure.
The Sply-Siders sent us down the wrong path.
Dorothy: You're a bad man, tricking us this way.
Reagan: Well...Ahh... Ahh...
I'm sorry, I didn't know. They said my policies
would actually help people. I'm sorry, so sorry...
Dorothy: You worthless, old fool.
Reagan: Well...Ahh... Ahh
Dorothy: Is that
why they call you the Wizard of Ahhs?
Because you never say anything but "...Ahh's...?"
Reagan: Well...Ahh...Ahh... maybe
I can help you, after all.
Let me look into my bag here....
Scarecrow? You need a brain, right?
Ahh.. how about a diploma, instead?
I hereby award you this degree!
Danny: Wow! Now I'm really smart.
I have a degree in Thinkologye!!
Reagan: Tin Man, there must be something
in here for you.
How about a rusted, old clock?
That could be your heart.
Snoot: Thanks, but I don't hear it ticking.
I think my heart is dead.
All: (laughs)
Lyin': What about me?
Me, Me, Me, Me!
Me, Me, Me, Me!
Me, Me, Me, Me!
Me, Me, Me, Me!
Everything must be about Me, Me, Me, Me!
Wizard: There's nothing I can do for you,
Lyin'. You're beyond help.
No matter what, you'll always be a Hornotsi Lyin'.
I suggest they lock your infected ass in a closet with a Luger until you
do the right thing.
Danny: But
what about Dorothy?
How can she get back home?
Just then, Good Witch Barbara showed up and told
Dorothy she could've gone home any time she wanted.
All she had to do is click her heels three times
and sing the Macarena.
Dorothy: You mean I can go home right now?
Barbara: Yes, you can go home anytime you want.
Dorothy: Re-count, too?
Barbara: Re-count, too.
Dorothy: Bitch, why didn't you SAY that back in Sply-Side Land?
Barbara: I didn't think you'd believe me.
However, I posted a notice on every tree and pole on every road in Sply-Side
Land.
Don't you read the polls?
Dorothy: Grrrrrr...
You send me after the Ralph Witch with nothing more than Danny the brainless,
Snoot the heartless and a Hornotsi Lyin' because I might not believe you?
I oughta kick your ass down a flight of stairs.
So...
Just as the final echoes of Pink Floyd's "Dark
Side" faded away,
Dorothy arrived back home at his/her luxury condo
at the Watergate,
realizing she'd learned a valuable lesson:
Never trust a Sply-Sider.
Me?
Now I get chills when I hear a Pink Floyd song
on the radio.
But then again, Mrs. Bartcop will be out of town
for a few days next week, so maybe I'll...
...naaaahh.
================================================
RUSH LIMBA - Lying, Nazi Whore isn't very good, but it's free.
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