Yesterday, I heard the biggest, smelliest, steamiest pile of crap that
I have heard in my whole life,
and it all came out of White House speachwriter David Frum while he was
being interviewed on
my local NPR station. It was really something, readers. You're in for a
treat. As Fat Bastard
would say, "Ach, I'm not kiddin. I've got a crap on deck that could choke
a donkey."
Before the huge pile of crap, though, Frum offered a couple of insights
into the White House that I
haven't seen anywhere else. First of all, it seems that the right-wing
evangelical pseudo-Christians
really have taken the place over. He says that the literal first words
he heard when entering the
White House were "Missed you at Bible study." Bible study, it turns out
is "not exactly required"
but is also "not exactly not required" either. His "Axis of Evil" phrase
actually started out "Axis of
Hatred," but the WH changed it to "Evil" to make it sound more theological.
You heard that
right. The foreign policy of the United States is adjusted to be as theological
as possible. Also,
although killing thousands of people seems to be OK, it is not OK to say
"damn."
Insight number two from this guy is that, except for Rumsfeld, the people
in the current White
House are ot-nay oo-tay ight-bray, if you get my drift. These people, he
says, are more the steady,
uninformed types who don't have ideas alot. Bush, he says, is dogmatic,
uninformed and uncurious.
These kind of people are just, he says, what we need in these times of
crisis and uncertainty.
You heard that right too. David Frum says that the government is run by
people who get most of
their ideas from TV, and that, he says, is just what we need to deal with
the North Koreans.
You may think that that last statement is the giant dung pile I was referring
to. It isn't. It's only the
craperetif. Frum continues, praising Bush effusively. This strategy of
having dumb people run the
government has been a great success because, after all, Frum says,
Bush has gone for two whole years without a scandal!
Now this is a real whopper. Apparently,
Stealing an election
Corrupting the Supreme Court
Actively stopping FBI investigations of terrorists
Having crystal clear certain advanced warning of 9-11 and doing nothing
Bombing and taking over Afghanistan in order to have an oil pipeline deal
for your friends
Fabricating fake terror alerts to boost their popularity
Looting the treasury and giving it away to their friends
Wrecking the environment for future generations
Letting Kenny Boy rape and pillage California all he wants
Letting Energy Companies write the U.S. energy policy in secret
Attempting to overthrow a democratically elected government in Venezuela
Declaring that you will preemptively attack any nation on earth any time
you feel like it
aren't scandals. These things don't bother Frum in the slightest. Of course,
as we know, lying
about your girlfriend is horrible scandal, and Frum is shocked to the core
about that.
So, I'll bet you think that the statement above is the big pile of crap
I was talking about.
Brace yourself.
It isn't the outrageous pile of crap that I'm talking about. There is a
bigger
one about to come.
WARNING: Brown Alert. Dangerously Huge Steaming
Pile of Crap to Follow. Extreme Danger. Last Warning.
Children under the age of 18 should not attempt to view
the following dung-heap without parental supervision.
Now comes the moment you've been waiting for when he let's loose the big
one.
Frum says
Just as Ronald Reagan's policies in the 1980s caused
democracies to flourish in Central and South America,
Bush is going to bring Democracy to the Middle East.
Now that's a crap layer cake. That really stinks. That smell could gag a maggot.
For the record, Ronald Reagan's policies of supporting murderous dictatorships
friendly to US
business interests directly caused thousands of people to be killed and
many to be tortured. Most
observers agree that this is somewhat different than bringing Democracy
to South America. This is
like saying that Hitler was the Jews best friend because, thanks to him,
they now have their own
country to live in. I've never heard anyone say that, so Frum's statement
wins the prize as the
biggest piece of crap I have ever heard in my life.
So how can David Frum say these things without his head exploding? As an
amateur psychologist,
I have all the answers. Although David Frum has a human brain, mentally
he is G.W.Bush's pet
poodle. That's why he thinks that Bush is just the bestest master in the
whole world. That's why,
even though Mr. Rove took him for the a long ride, kicked him out of the
car and left him all alone,
he keeps wagging his tail thinking that it's all a mistake and Bush will
come and pick him up if he's
a good boy.
Party_like_its_1984