............

          Whore City — Presidential Inaugural Committee (PIC) Executive Director Jeanne Johnson Phillips
          today announced that the theme for the 54th Presidential Inauguration is "The South Rises Again."

          "President-elect Bush campaigned on a promise to `unite, rather than
          divide,' " said Mrs. Phillips. "But now that he has won, after the bloody
          but decisive battles in South Carolina and Florida, Dubya says
          fiddle-dee-dee, Lincoln was wrong: Divided we stand, united we fall!

          "Why shouldn't Linda Chavez have slaves? Why shouldn't Gale Norton
          put slavery in context? Why shouldn't John Ashcroft talk to the journal of
          neo-confederacy Southern Partisan and defend slaveowners against the
          suggestion that they had "some perverted agenda"? Why shouldn't our
          new attorney general care more about the Unfinished Civil War than
          unnecessary civil rights? Why should Dubya have denounced the
          Confederate flag that once flew proudly over the South Carolina
          statehouse? Why shouldn't it fly proudly above his White House?

          "The inaugural festivities will reflect that the civilization many thought was
          gone with the wind, the pretty world of cavaliers and cotton fields, of
          master and slave, is no longer a dream remembered but a dream
          restored. It is time to set aside the shallow squabbling of the Clinton era
          about the 1960's and focus on something that matters: the 1860's.
          Instead of refighting the Vietnam War, we need to refight the War to Suppress
          Yankee Arrogance. This inauguration will establish that this is not a restoration of
          Big Daddy's administration, but a restoration of Jefferson Davis's."

          Herewith the inaugural events to celebrate our first Compassionate
          Confederate President, our unreconstructed deconstructionist of Reconstruction:

        Thursday, Jan. 18

          The Opening Celebration, traditionally held at the Lincoln Memorial, has
          been moved immediately south to the home of our mythic leader, Robert
          E. Lee, in Arlington, Va., overlooking the Potomac.

          Strom Thurmond, the Oldest Living Confederate Widower, will be the
          master of ceremonies, introducing Ricky Martin, who will wiggle in tight
          Rebel-flag pants and sing "La Vida Dixie." The irrepressible Strom will
          banter with Ricky about the contention of Southern Partisan that Negroes
          and Latins "have no temperament for democracy." As a gag, Strom will
          playfully check Ricky's teeth before he performs.

          Fireworks will recreate the glorious bombardment of Fort Sumter.

        Friday, Jan. 19

          Mississippi State Society Salute to John Ashcroft:

          Trent "Bless my chitlins and corn my pone" Lott hosts a Twelve Oaks
          barbecue with a charming minstrel show, just as we had at our
          Philadelphia convention. (Closed to the press and no-account Yankees.)

          States' Rights Old South Cotillion:

          Jeb (Stuart) Bush will re-enact the cavalry stampede over voting rights in
          Florida. Instead of the Tarleton twins, our beguiling Daughters of the
          Confederacy, the Bush twins, Jenna and Barbara, will appear in hoop
          skirts, accompanied by George P. in a dashing Southern Guardsman
          uniform, chaperoned by Katherine Harris, the Steel Magnolia. No one
          will want to secede from this costume ball until the last mint julep is
          downed and the last waltz is danced.

        Saturday, Jan. 20

          Swearing-In and Parade:

          As our new President and First Lady take a carriage ride down
          Pennsylvania Avenue, Gen. Colin Powell and an Army brigade dressed
          in their fetching new gray uniforms will re-enact Pickett's charge by
          charging any pickets.

          Inaugural Balls:

          Meat Loaf and Marie Osmond join the Gatlin Brothers in a medley of
          "Sweet Home Alabama," "The Devil Went Down to Georgia,"
          "Mississippi Queen" and "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down."

          Don't forget the shopping at BullRun.com, where you can buy such
          historic mementoes as inaugural lawn jockeys; inaugural license plates
          with the Confederate motto "Deo Vindice" ("With God as Our Defender");
          "Recount Appomattox" T-shirts; busts of John Ashcroft's favorite Southern patriots,
          Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson and Jefferson Davis;
          "I'll never be hungry again"  beer coolers; limited edition Louis Vuitton carpetbags,
          and "Tomorrow Is Another Day" watches.