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How many times have you seen an ambush on the Sunday talk shows?
How many times have you screamed answers at the television?
Have you ever wished it was YOU they were fucking with?

I went to the Meet the Press transcript website, downloaded
Russert's moronic, childish questions and had Tim drill me the way 
he drilled hapless White House employee John Podesta this morning:

Sunday Morning, September 20, 1998
Meet the Whore, with Tim Russert

Mr. RUSSERT: BartCop, welcome to MEET THE WHORE.

MR. BartCop: You're not going to start with a stupid question, are you?

MR. RUSSERT: Newsweek magazine has a new ...a new poll, 40 ...per - 6 percent,
...4-6, nearly 1 out of 2 Americans say the president should consider resigning.

MR. BartCop: Well, Tim, that's easy for you to say.
Time magazine shows only 29 percent calling for his resignation.
I think the public stands with the president.

MR. RUSSERT: If that number ever gets beyond 50 percent,
what will that mean to the White House?

MR. BartCop: Well, it's not going to happen, Tim.
Americans know how close they are to a Fascist, religious-Jihad takeover.
Clinton is doing the job and the American people want him to continue.
I think they're going to stick with him.

MR. RUSSERT: We were out with The Wall Street Journal all week
talking to thousands of Americans, a sampling of American attitudes.
Only about 10 percent believe the president has good ethical, moral values,
is a role model for children or tells the truth.
That's a huge mountain to climb, to reclaim moral authority.

MR. BartCop: Tim, that's a chicken-shit ambush and you know it.
Ask anyone, "Are your morals higher than THAT guy's," and they'll say yes.
How stupid are you, Tim? You spent a week with the Whore Street Jouranl
asking "fair" questions like that about President Clinton?

MR. RUSSERT: What should Americans expect when they see the video
of his grand jury testimony tomorrow?

MR. BartCop: I think they should expect to see their toilets as they
vomit in disgust watching this hate-crime take place. This entire witchhunt
in the most expensive porno film ever produced. The Republicans have decided
that oral sex is the perfect topic for the supper table, and that sickens me.
People may question the motives of the scumbags who brought this salacious
and irrelevant privacy-gangrape into every home in America.
Trust me, Po' Kenny Starr could teach Larry Flynt about porno.

MR. RUSSERT: So you predict a backlash against the Republicans?

MR. BartCop: Does Howdy Doody have a wooden dick?

MR. RUSSERT: Republican congressmen who have seen the video
describe it as a president who is defiant, angry and evasive.

MR. BartCop: That blank look on your face tells me you think there's a
question buried in that last piece of partisan bullshit. I've already described this
Republican gutter-wallowing as a salacious gangrape of privacy.
You want me to answer your question differently each time you ask?

MR. RUSSERT: Let me show you some video from January 26th, which
started this whole discussion. This was the president back then.

(Videotape, January 26):

PRES. CLINTON: But I want to say is one thing to the American people.
I want you to listen to me. I'm going to say this again.
I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.

(End videotape)

MR. RUSSERT: Such conviction. And, yet, it wasn't true.

MR. BartCop: Eat me, Einstein. He admitted that over a month ago.
What reason would you have to run that tape again and again like a Limba,
other than you're grasping for a headline, you cheap-shot prick?

MR. RUSSERT: But you acknowledge when he said, "I did not have
sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky," he misled the country.

MR. BartCop: For the 700th time, YES! YES! YES!
What do you have to gain by staying in that rut?   How many HUNDREDS 
of times does Clinton have to apologize before you press whores get the point?

MR. RUSSERT: On January 17 - let me show you what he said under oath, 
because it's important. He said, "I have never had sexual relations with Monica
Lewinsky. I've never had an affair with her." So he also misled that court proceeding.

MR. BartCop: There you go again. Yes, Tim, and we also landed a man on the fucking moon.
We had a war in Vietnam, a hostage situation in Iran, and Elvis is dead.
Can you stop playing Mr. History and talk to me like an adult?

MR. RUSSERT: But if he lied to the American people on January 26 and he said 
the same thing under oath on January 17, why can't the White House just acknowledge
the president lied under oath? He said the same words.

MR. BartCop: Tim, when was the last time you masturbated?
Tim, tell your television audience, when you masturbate, do you think of men?
Do you swear? Are you telling the truth to the American people, Tim?
What if I told you I had a witness who says you like young boys?
We need to hear from you sooner, rather than later, Tim.

MR. RUSSERT: But, I mean, it's not just me. Senator Daschle said,
"I'm impatient with hair-splitting over legal technicalities."
Why can't the White House just come forward?

MR. BartCop: You're just being a dick. Maddog Starr is coming after Clinton
with a Supreme Court on the take, an Attorney General who's afraid to anger
the majority,  and a party of whores owned by Big Tobacco and the NRA.

...and Tim Russert thinks he should just confess to everything?
By the way, Tim, are you Catholic by any chance?

MR. RUSSERT: Why, yes. I almost became a priest, why?

MR. BartCop: ...just a hunch.

MR. RUSSERT: Is lying under oath an impeachable offense?

MR. BartCop: If it is, Reagan and Butch belong in prison.

MR. RUSSERT: So when the American people see the president's video
tomorrow, they will not conclude that he lied under oath?

MR. BartCop: I don't believe so. The money-driven press will SAY he did,
but the people know what a lying sack of nuts you all are.

MR. RUSSERT: Let me turn to another issue which confronted the White House this week...

MR. BartCop: Yeah, ...go ahead ...stump me, Timmy.

MR. RUSSERT: ...Henry Hyde and articles about him.

MR. BartCop: Yeah, Ha ha... Payback's a bitch, ain't it?

MR. RUSSERT: Let me go through a few dates for our viewers. On March 19,
Salon magazine had a party here in Washington and Sid Blumenthal attended.
The next day, he brought reporters from Salon magazine to meet the President.
An April 24, Blumenthal said, "Salon has engaged in enterprise journalism,"
kudos for that particular publication. On April 25, at the White House
Correspondents' Dinner, the president joked,
"Where's the table for Salon magazine?" at this particular dinner.

MR. BartCop: Will you ever get to the point?

MR. RUSSERT: On August 5, Salon published this "The Clinton camp's hunt for
dirt could extend to Henry Hyde, the man who will be holding impeachment hearings,
knowledgeable sources told Salon. The theory is simple:
Who among them is pure enough to cast judgment on the president's private life?
The theory is that if...."

MR. BartCop: Could I get a coke or maybe a shot of vodka?

MR. RUSSERT: Six weeks after that, Salon published this article about Henry
Hyde alleging that he had an affair some 30 years ago. Was Sidney Blumenthal,
in any way, shape or form, involved in putting out negative information about Henry Hyde?

MR. BartCop: "Any way, shape or form?" That's Limba talking.
Did he write your script? Is that why these questions seem so stupid?
These are timely questions - if it's August 18, Timmy.
But it's not - it's September 20th - got any current questions?

Who knows what Sid told somebody? What do you want to do?
Charge Sid with "illegal intent to tell the truth about a scumbag?"

With this Supreme Court, I guess I better be careful making jokes like that.
Personally, I'm glad somebody blew the whistle on that hippo-crit.
Why should he be Clinton's judge if he's a goddamn homewrecker?

MR. RUSSERT: The FBI is going to investigate in this matter.
Will you provide White House phone logs from Mr. Blumenthal to the FBI?

MR. BartCop: No, but I can provide pictures of Henry Hyde's hooker.

MR. RUSSERT: Will there be...

MR. BartCop: Will there be an end to these stupid, Limba-esque questions?

MR. RUSSERT: So to your knowledge, has Sidney Blumenthal ever
spread stories about Henry Hyde to anyone?

MR. BartCop: Sid has a mouth between his nose and his chin. He sometimes 
uses that mouth to communicate with others. It's my opinion that he has spoken 
Mr Hyde's name, as has every person in Washington. Koresh, you ask questions 
as well-defined as Paula Jones's attorneys.

MR. RUSSERT: Let me show you another news clip...

MR. BartCop: Christ! Another clip?
You got any munchies or a snack bar or anything nearby?

MR. RUSSERT: This is from the most liberal magazine in the country, The Nation.
"Three members of the media confirmed that Sid Blumenthal, had been spreading
these stories. They heard him do it. He said Sid told him about the same-sex orientation 
of a member of Starr's staff and a third said he was present for a conversation in which 
Sid made such a comment to a third person.  One of these sources, as well other people 
who know Sid, described him as fascinated by sexual gossip, that he recycled his defense 
of the Clintons."   That's serious.

MR. BartCop: I have a source who decribes you as a sissy-mamma's boy.
I've heard that from several sources, ...and that's serious.

MR. RUSSERT: The Secret Service says there was an incident where Monica
tried to enter the White House. She was told by the Secret Service that the
president was seeing another woman at that time.

MR. BartCop: You say "seeing another woman?"
Why the hell was it necessary to whore that phrase into the mix?
You're hoping to leave the impression that Clinton was busy having sex, right?
You're not a very decent human being are you, Mr. Russert?

MR. RUSSERT: She got upset and called the White House. The president asked
that no record be made of this incident. The Starr report contains other information...

MR. BartCop: Tim, that's not information; that's horseshit allegation.
What if Monica said she was from Mars, Tim? 
Would you be digging for the "Clinton sells satellite technology to aliens" story?

Jeses Christ, Tim Russert.

I remember when you were a man of dignity, a man of stature, and now you're
so in-bed with Limba and the kook squads - have you lost your mind?
Do you even remember the old Tim Russert?

MR. RUSSERT: That the Secret Service, in fact, did not file a report
based on an incident involving Miss Lewinsky and December 2?

MR. BartCop: That's not what you said, Liar!
You said that the president ORDERED that, and that's pure horseshit.

Besides, you're citing a LACK of a report to PROVE that a incident occured?
What year did you graduate from EIB University, Timmy?

MR. RUSSERT: The president did not suggest to Ms. Betty Currie, his secretary,
to communicate to the Secret Service that someone might be fired?

MR. BartCop: First, Eat me with that tone of voice, Cubby.
I'll come across this desk and teach you some manners with my
own goddamn hands if you try to take that tone with me again.

MR. RUSSERT: All right. Then let me show an exact comment from the Starr
report and get your reaction to this. "According to Secret Service, Ms.
Currie" - that's Betty Currie, the president's secretary - "

MR. BartCop: Yeah, ...I know...

MR. RUSSERT: ...Betty Courie sometimes tried to persuade them to admit Monica
to the White House without making a record of it. There's clear evidence that Monica
was in the White House on days for which no records exist."

MR. BartCop: Ha ha, you're a nut, Tim.
You say "There's clear evidence that no evidence exists?"
Ha ha, you're a nut, Tim.

MR. RUSSERT: Are you concerned that the Secret Service was misused by the
president to facilitate his relationship with Monica Lewinsky?

MR. BartCop: Great question, Mr. Spence.
Am I concerned? No.

Let me guess: Were you once a tough-as-nails prosecutor, Timmy?
And what if they did? What if you could prove that they facilitated his
relationship with Tony Blair? Or Yassir Arafat? Or Yeltzin?

What makes you think it's YOUR goddamn business who helps the president?

What if you get a chickenbone caught in your throat as you're scarfing down
free food at a White House dinner? Should the Secret Service facilitate
the removal of that chickenbone? Or should they watch you die?

MR. RUSSERT: On August 17, when the president addressed the nation, there
was much criticism. A few weeks later, the president himself said, "I was not contrite enough."
What happened on the 17th? Why did he take the tone he did?

MR. BartCop: Well, you see Tim, there's a money-driven press that will lose millions 
per week if this story ever goes away. It's the job of whores like yourself to keep 
rerunning and retreading old news, like those first stupid questions you asked me about 
the events back in August. If Meet the Whore and Face the Whore and The Capitol Whores 
and The McLaughlin Whores moved on to important topics, they'd lose viewers. 
We can't have that, now can we?

MR. RUSSERT: The president told you that he never had sex of any kind,
which turned out not to be true. Did you ever think of quitting?

MR. BartCop: Tim, it's none of my fucking business who Clinton has sex with.
I know this is a shocker, but it's none of your fucking business, either. The press has 
turned this consensual affair into the Topic of the Century. Bill Clinton has been forced 
to open his sex life to can't-stop-masturbating enemies who hate free elections.

MR. RUSSERT: Will he ever resign?

MR. BartCop: No.

MR. RUSSERT: Never?

MR. BartCop: Eat me, Deafboy. I answered your stupid question already.
Why do you keep asking the same question twice?
Did you think, ha ha
...did you think, ha ha
...you were going to trap me?

MR. RUSSERT: Do you think he'd...

MR. BartCop: Don't make me have to fuck you up...

MR. RUSSERT: Do you think he'd accept censure?

MR. BartCop: He'd accept censure like he'd accept tomorrow's weather.
If it's raining, he'll wear an overcoat.

MR. RUSSERT: You don't expect the Congress to go forward with impeachment hearings?

MR. BartCop: I'd like to see 'em try...
Let the House proceed at their own peril.
Sid says he's got another 240 Scumbags to expose.

MR. RUSSERT: Mr. BartCop, we thank you very much for sharing your
views this morning on MEET THE PRESS.

MR. BartCop: You're lucky you got out of this in one piece, Sparky...

MR. RUSSERT: Coming next, Republican Senator John Ashcroft says, "Resign."

MR. BartCop: Can I stay around and debate that punk Ashcroft?
He's one of the biggest perverts in Congress, always demanding
details about what Clinton might've done with Monica.

I'd like to put the BartCop quiz to his lying ass.
Get him out here, I'm ready to HAVE me some Ashcroft...

MR. RUSSERT: If it's Sunday, it's Meet The Whore...