Vol 132 - Fascism Takes One in the Ass

---

  I have a favor to ask the Grand Old Fascist Party:

Could you please self-destruct a little slower?
Koresh, since the last issue,

1. Doktor Laura Mengele had to "have a little talk" with
    her fans about "the photos that don't exist."

2. Snoot had to resign because everybody hates him,
    even the right-wingers in his own goddamn party.

3. Po' Kenny had the worst day of his entire career.

We shall attempt to cover all this, and more.

"The Trip, Pt 2," originally scheduled for this issue,
will run after the GOFP's cannibalization is complete.

As you know, Bill Clinton has asked the UN for a small,
multi-national, peace-keeping task force to act as a
barrier between warring GOFP cannibal-factions.

The Trip Pt 2 is sorta funny, but we should wait until
the GOFP stops eating itself before telling that story.

"THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES," will also be in a future issue.
TFTM is a rare challenge from a religious ditto-monkey.

"Memories" might be big.

...but then again,
I thought RL-LNW Vol 100 was going to be big, too.

---

The Stock Market is at an all-time high,
the murder rate is at a 30-year low,
and our president made Snoot "Go Pac."

Thank you, Bill Clinton.

---

Polls

"Who ARE these people who get polled," they whine.
"I've never been polled," they whine again.
"You can't trust the polls," they whine a third time.

It's the cry of the desert Ditto-tang.

They think, if Rush TOLD them the GOFP would win seats,
the polls and the elections results must be LYING!
Rush is right.

The pollsters said the Demos would lose 10-20 seats.
You can't trust the polls.
Rush is right again!

ha ha

---

Catch a Ride on The Rush Sucks Web Ring

Mount up at www.ctyme.com/bartcop

When you see Pigboy's picture, punch it.

Later, scroll down and hit the Church of Reality link.
It's not like any church you've ever seen.
It makes sense.

I'm hoping to become a bishop, if they'll have me

---

Great GOFP Quotes

"We don't come off so good with coloreds.
 We're fucked without more nigra and beaner votes."

  -- Jesse Helms, American Patriot

---

The day after Po' Kenny had his nationwide panic attact,
the stock market went up 103 points.

Wall Street may hate Bill Clinton's guts, but he's the
best thing that ever happened to the stock market.
Po Kenny claims he's got something on Clinton, and the
market drops 200 points. The next day, when people see
that he's lying, the market rebounds 250 points.

Spin is spin, but Wall Street runs on faith.
America has faith in Bill Clinton.

FIND somebody who will argue with me on that.

When Clinton has a good day,
America's economy has a good day.

---

Great Political Quotes

"Oh, shit.
 What do I do now?"

-- Jesse Ventura,

---

Supreme Court Justice Hillary Clinton.
It sounds good, doesn't it?

Hillary on the High Court.

...that way, she can continue her murder spree...
And if she ever gets caught,
...she can overturn her own convictions!

(It's the Rosetta Stone of Creation-Logic.)

---

Monkey Mail

From: dummyname@homer.louisville.edu

To: bartcop@ctyme.com

Subject: you suck

You suck.
Why dont you see if you can go down and by some
canned creativity at Woolworths it would be worth
your time and the world wood thank you

Braver than a pro-lifer with a bomb,
dummyname

---

Great GOFP Quotes

"Well, folks, the voters had a temper tantrum last night.
The forces of hatred, the forces of bigotry, the forces of
division infiltrated our electoral process last night.

A mean spirited extremist juggernaut has pushed forward
its venomous agenda operating in lock step to take over
important seats in our government.

This negative climate which was created by these horses
of hatred, bigotry, and division allowed the election to
be influenced by the hostility of angry people."

-- Pigboy Manifesto, after democracy spoke, '98

ha ha

Hey, Pigboy.
You didn't mind a little voter anger in 1994.
You thought is was "patriotic" to be angry then.
You said a little anger was  "healthy."

ha ha

What a sphincter you are, Your Oinkness.
Rush has convinced his beloved GOFP that they lost
because they weren't nazi ENOUGH!
For 2000, I wouldn't be surprised if they do the whole
outfit, the jackboots, the arm bands, the whole bit.

Rush continued:

-temper
-tantrum
-hatred
-bigotry
-division
-infiltrate
-mean-spirited
-juggernaut
-venomous agenda
-in lock-step
-the take over
-negative

...my favorite, swear to Koresh:

-the horses of hatred,

(The Dems have horses of hatred, Pigboy?)
Did you really say that?
These "horses of hate," where do we keep them?
In the "Barn of Terror and Fear?")

ha ha

Poor Pigboy has a hate kite,
and there's no wind to make it fly...

Rush's favorite things:

-bigotry
-division
-hostility
-angry people

Gee,
I wonder who the angry, extremist dog is?
YOUR side put all your eggs in the Monica basket,

dumb-shit,

even after EVERY poll told you not to.
Can't you guys f-ing READ?
You hatred has blinded you.
Why can't you see that?

America said it hates the all-Monica, all-the-time crap,
but nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
You had to ride that Monica horse till it died.

Another fun idea the GOFP has:

"Newt resigned because he had the DIGNITY to do what was best for his party - and for his country.
If Clinton had any shame, he'd resign, too."

Horseshit.

Snoot resigned because his own party hates him
almost as much as America loves Bill Clinton.

ha ha

Goodbye, Snoot.
America loves Clinton, and they hate Nazi losers.

---

Great Snoot Quotes

>"Look at all the hours that Tim Russert spent
>on Monica vs. the number of hours on Social Security."

Russert is Catholic.
McLaughlin is Catholic.
Pat Buchanan is Catholic.

...at least 2 of them, maybe all 3, studied to be priests.

The Catholic Church doesn't allow a woman to choose.
They don't allow birth control.
Catholics don't even allow the f-ing PILL.

Koresh, they don't even allow divorce.
(Yet, ...they employ gay priests?)

Did you see Rush on Russert's cable show?
Russert did everything but give him Monica.

I could do 3 issues just on Catholic logic.
As long as Catholics consider Clinton "pro-murder,"
you can understand why they'd lie to destroy him.
Russert, McLaughlin, Buchanan, Catholics all the way...

Catholics...

If you think Catholics are just "a little old fashioned,"
remember this: a priest will come to your house and
perform an exorcism, if you've got enough money.

---

We'll Be Right Back, after this commercial message.

Hi, I'm Herb from Southwest Airlines.
People ask me, "Why should people fly Southwest?"

I always tell them, because we're the cheapest,
we've got the best on-time percentage in America,
and we've never, ever had a plane go down, fucking NEVER.
What good does it do you to watch a movie or eat a
fancy dinner if the goddamn plane goes down?

So remember our motto:
"If your ass is important, fly Southwest."

Sincerely,

Herb at Southwest.

---

Great Nazi Quotes

"You watch, ...you watch what the White House spinners,
and their willing accomplices in the elitist media,
...you watch, ...they're going to paint and spin these
election results into some kind of Democratic victory."

ha ha

Pigboy, you are SO busted.

---

And we need to get one more thing straight:

Nobody from Oklahoma should have ANY power.
...under ANY circumstances.

Koresh,

Largent, a Jesus twin, wanted to be House Majority leader.
Coburn, his brother-in-Koresh, will do whatever he's told.
Uncle OJ Watts is going to be Conference Chairman.
(Editor's Note:
Watts is a black man, in the GOFP.
I am not kidding, that is not a misprint.
I repeat:
A black man, in the GOFP.)

If you ever see Uncle OJ in person, ask him how many kids
he had before he got married. Ask him if he ever sends them
any money, now that he's the guy, ...how did he put it?
"Who does the right thing even when nobody's looking."

Don Nickles, Oklahoma's National Embarassment, STILL says
"Hillary is going to be indicted any day now,
and isn't that disgusting behavior for a First Lady?"

Jim Inhofe needs to repay his family the $400,000 he stole
from that insurance scam his family sued him for.
..and if that's not bad enough, Oklahoma is the home of
"The-Importance-of-Being-Ernest Istook."

Ernest knows which prayers are the "real ones."
Ernest wants federal laws to enforce "true" prayer.
We should all vote for Ernest.
Are your religious beliefs the same as Ernest's?
If not, you're possibly illegal in Oklahoma.

All these Oklahoma people are ditto-tangs.
There was a time when we had Carl Albert.
There was a time when we had David Boren.
There was a time when we had Mike Synar.

Now we don't.

We have "God's hand-picked messangers,"
which is really creepy, if you ask me.

---

[word-for-word, Swear to Koresh true]

A Statement from Dr. Laura

Friends, we're gonna have a little talk.

Doc Meng,
Everything you say sounds like an order.
Why is that?

I was advised not to comment about the Internet photos
until after a court hearing November 2,
so I've waited until now to respond.

Wait a minute.
If you're innocent, why can't you speak up?
That's what whores like you said for 9 months.
Your attorney wouldn't allow you to speak the truth?
What's so awful about the truth, Doc Meng?
Either you spread your legs for a camera, or you didn't.
Why do you need a lawyer to apologize and admit it?

Many letters generously say how grateful you are that some of your own
past actions are buried in merciful oblivion that will never come to light.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.
You're saying "Everybody does it?"
Is that taking responsibility, Doc Meng?
Sounds like the dumbing-down of morality, you slut.

However, it isn't news to my longtime listeners and those
who read my books that I have undergone profound changes
over the course of my life and most important of which is
my journey from basic atheist to observant Jew.

So, at some point you put your knees together?

In my 20s, I was my own moral authority.

You can't make it on your own, Doc Meng?
You need a crutch, right?
Where's your rugged individualism, Doc Meng?
I think what you really need is a new attitude.

The inadequacy of that way of life is painfully obvious today.

Whoa!
I, BartCop, am MY own moral authority,
and I haven't shown my Tom Delay to anybody,
much less asked people to take pictures of it.
What happened to personal responsibility, Doc Meng?

My early experiences taught me it is to live by an objective
and absolute standard of right and wrong -- preferably,
a standard set by God.

If I didn't know better, I'd say this was a phoney
confession by somebody who didn't think they'd get caught.

...drum roll....

You see, Doc Meng, there are

...TWO KINDS OF SORRY!

There's the kind of sorry when you confess BEFORE
your naked pubes go worldwide, which is usually sincere,
and there's the kind of sorry AFTER your naked pubes
hit the Internet, which is usually insincere.

Doc Meng, you ignorant slut.
You put the "G" in "Gotcha."

And that is the hard-won wisdom I try to pass along to
others as I preach, teach and nag every day on this program.

Yeah, you're a f-ing nag, all right.
Too bad you don't have BartCop's morals.

I want to address specific allegations that are not true.
Most importantly, 23 years ago -- when I was 28 --

Whoa!

Eighteen is the age of consent, Doc Meng.
Monica was 21 when she flew Air Force One, but you
were "too young" to know right from wrong at 28?

I legally separated from my first husband, filed for
divorce in the state of New York, and moved to California.

I don't want to hear it.
I don't want to hear it.
I don't want to hear it.

You were married, Doc Meng.
Words MEAN things, Doc Meng.
VOWS mean something, too, even more than words.

Are you from another country, Doc Meng?
Don't you understand what words like "loyalty"
and "committment" mean, Doc Meng?

Just a hunch:

When you took your wedding vows, Doc Meng, did you,
...or did you not swear before God, that you would
stay loyal to your lawfully-wedded husband number one,
"Until death do you part?"

Isn't that what you swore, Doc Meng?

Subsequently, I had a relationship with a man

A "relationship," Doc Meng?
Was it a "relationship?"
Or were you just a warm place for him to put it?
Did you have a ring and a date?
No?
Why not, Doc Meng?
Because you were already married at the time?

I am mystified as to why -- 23 years later -- this 80-year-old man...

Objection!
Why the cheap shot?
Why mention his age?
Are you implying he's lost his mind, like Reagan?

...would do such a morally reprehensible thing.

What?
He has proof of YOUR morally repugnant behavior, Doc Meng.
The truth is "morally reprehensible?"
Doc Meng, EXPLAIN yoyself.

So, despite acute embarassment,

Hold it, Doc Meng:

You said the photos were FAKE!
You lied, Doc Meng.
Why did you lie?

Were you embarrassed about lying to your fans?
Were you embarrased about cheating on your husband?
Were you embarrased about being a whore-dog, Doc Meng?
You should be more embarrassed about your 1998 whorism,
than something you did as a "child" of 28.

...but with thanks to my strong religious beliefs and
the support of family, friends and many of you, I'm still here.
And you'll find me here today, tomorrow, and the next day
for as long as you want to keep tuning in.

(I'm sorry, ...I ...I have to take a break,
due to the tears....)

---

Great GOFP Quotes

"Newt Gingrich is my good, good friend.
I mean that, ...with all sincerity.
I have the highest regard for my good friend, Newt Gingrich.
His leadership was nothing short of Churchillian."

-- Bob Livingston, Squeaker-Elect

Mr. Squeaker-elect, you're close.
Gingrich's leadership was "chilling."

---

People e-mail me and they say,

"BartCop, you broke the decency laws.
You posted pictures of Doc Meng naked!

"What if Doc Meng SUES you?
What if she sues you for telling the truth in RL-LNW?"

Don't worry about ol' BartCop.
BartCop is undefeated in court.
BartCop's record is 301-0.

Hey, ...Doc Meng,
Hey, Laura...

You want to sue me?
Go ahead, you might win!
(snicker)

I'll tell you the best way to sue ol' BartCop:
You ready, Doc Meng?
Do you have a pencil?

Trust me, Doc Meng.
I'm undefeated.
(I'll give you the secret to winning in court.
The trick to winning in court is easy:
Don't take a case you can't win.)

Ok, so we've established my credentials.
I will give you this advice for free, Doc Meng.
No charge - I like a spunky fascist with a vagina.

First, if you're serious about suing ol' BartCop,
there's some things you're going to have to do.
They're not the kinds of things you may WANT to do,
but these are things you HAVE to do, to win.

First, ...pull your legs together.

This may be tough, Doc Meng,
but I want you to take it like a man!

The second thing you need to do is stop posing naked
for strange men you meet off the damn street.

If it was me?
If some person asked me to drop my underwear and pose
for some photos that'd be shown around the world,
I'd say, "No, and eat me for asking."

Why didn't Doc Meng say that to photoboy?
Why doesn't Doc Meng have BartCop's discipline?
BartCop was raised Catholic, that's why.

Catholics might be crazy, but they OWN discipline.
Next, Doc Meng, you must learn to tell the truth.

"There ARE no photos."

-- Doc Meng, AFTER we saw the damn pictures.

Did you know, Laura, that your old friend Bill Ballance
said you two were "like two jackrabbits under the sheets"
just four hours after you met?

Four hours, Doc Meng?
Four Hours?

Are we rabbits, Doc Meng?

Ballance says he's glad he dumped you, because,
"I'd be dead in two years from the sex."

Care to straighten this out, Doc Meng?
ha ha

Doc Meng, on Silk Stalkings?
ha ha

By the way, Laura, do you have any of those cute
"Character Counts" coffee mugs left?

ha ha

...back to Doc Meng suing ol' BartCop.

After you pull your legs together and stand up, you need to put on a pair
of those really, really big cotton panties like you modeled for thousands of
drooling, masturbating boys on the Internet.

As long as we're on the subject, Doc Meng,
what's the deal with the tassles?

Was this like, ...uhmmm, ...a cheerleader fantasy?
What was Bill's motivation?
Was he the victorious quarterback?

Did you spin your tassles for him?
Can you make them go different directions?

I hereby declare that I, BartCop, will donate $1000 of
ADM money to charity if you spin those tassles for 'Merica.
...and I get to tape it or the deal's off, Doc Meng.

No, make that $2,000.
I'd REALLY like to see Doc Meng twirl them tassles.

Sorry, ...sorry,
...back to the litigation:

Have your current shack-up boyfriend-studboy, whoever you
might be fornicating at the moment, find you a pair of those
huge, huge, white panties you like so much.

Then, have him locate your pants, wherever they ended up.
Then, find sompthing to cover your lil' hooters and,
once you're dressed, march into some attorney's office
and tell him you want to sue ol' BartCop.

Tell him you want him to sue me on a contingency basis,
meaning he doesn't get a dime unless you win.
(chortle)

Tell your attorney you want to sue me for

...for

...I dunno, whatchu going to sue me for, Doc Meng?

Telling the truth?
Outraging the public's indecency?
Inflicting ugliness on people's eyeballs?

I'm a political humorist, honeybabe.

You stuck your BIG FAT nose into politics when you
declared Clinton to be a "bad, bad man."
You decided the kitchen wasn't too hot, honeybabe.
I'm invulnerable, Doc Meng, but if you "want" me, c'mon.

And it's too bad for you that the pictures of your
private parts are so goddamn funny.

You always say, "Don't do anything you wouldn't want
your children to see you doing," right Doc Meng?

Something tells me Derykhe, or however you mangled that
poor boy's name, won't be getting a computer for Christmas.

Poor Derykhe.

The little bastard won't know shit about computers
until he leaves home, which'll probably be never.
Doc Meng, you're the expert on the Ten Commandments, right?
Which Commandment says, "Thou shalt not flash thy Beaver?"

I forget, Doc, which one is it?

I, BartCop, do hereby claim the moral high ground from
this moral-degenerate, counter-cultural piggette Doc Meng.

Unless somebody can produce tacky pictures of BartCop lying
naked on the floor, legs spead thi i i i i i i i i i i i i i i is far apart,
I'm claiming the moral high ground from Doc Meng.

ha ha

After all, you're smarter than Paula Jones, right?
ha ha

THERE'S a parallel for ya:

Doc Meng and Paula Jones.
They both allowed cameras between their legs.

Wait!

In Paula Jones's pictures, she kept her panties on!!!!!!

ha ha

Paula Jones is the paradigm if discretion,
if we compare her to Doc "spread 'em" Meng.

Doc Meng!!!!
How COULD you??

Oh, one last thing, Doc Meng:

Photoboy says he has another TWO HUNDRED PICTURES of you.

Repeat:

Another 200 HUNDRED naked pictures of Doc Meng.

...and still, nothing on ol' BartCop.
The Lord works in mysterious ways, doesn't he?

Go to alt.binaries.pictures.nude.celebrities
RIGHT NOW.

I just reposted the Doc Meng naked pictures.
Again.

C'mon, Herr Doktor.

Sue me.

---

I think I hit a vein.

The Coral Ridge Ministries is using me as a fund-raiser.
Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but everytime I mention them,
they re-mention ME on their money-grubbing, religious website.

http://soli.inav.net/~pontiac/politi.html

Do me a favor, ...and please, do it this way:

Visit the Coral Ministries site, but don't do anything.
Just drop by and lurk and don't contact them or anything.
But notice what a danger I've become to organized religion.

Organized religion has been around for 2,000 years.
BartCop Logic causes great alarm at nutcase-central.
Organized religion may not survive the BartCop era.
Did Nostradamus ever mention RL-LNW?

If they attack me formally, I'll go for an IPO.
My fairness is the only thing holding me back.

I could be a "success" like Limba,
...except I have a soul.

---

Great GOFP Quotes

"After the voting this Nov. 3, the Democrats are likely to be
down to about 40 senators and fewer than 200 House members,
their lowest total in 70 years. And the devastation will
continue at the state and local levels."

--Bill Kristol, less than 60 days ago.

Can you guess who Bill Kristol's old boss was?
Yep, you guessed it.

Kristol was Dan Quayle's Chief of Staffe.

---

We Get Letters

Mr. BartCop,

Please reconsider your harsh criticism of Judge Kenneth Starr.
Judge Starr is a true American hero.

Signed:

- The Government of North Korea
- Saddam Hussein
- Islamic Jihad
- The Republicans for Truth
- Hitler Youth of the Carolina's
- The Taliban
- The Coathanger Coalition

---

You lucky democrats...

I gotta say, I had a LOT of "doom" material ready.
I even had a great, great title for the "Doom Issue,"
but it shall remain hidden for the NEXT catastrophe.

I got out my old drink recipes from my club owner days.
I had monologs written about the back-stabbing, cowardly,
yellow democrats who abandoned their best leader ever,
...but I didn't get to use any of them.

Dammit.

You democrats are a lucky, spineless bunch, you know that?
You desert your heroes.
That's a bad trait.

If the GOFP wasn't a buch of fascist, nazi whores,
I'd consider turning.

I'm ashamed of the Democratic Party.
You don't even have the brains to follow the polls,
you just believe whatever the enemy says about Clinton...
He saved your asses again!

I'm saving that bit,
and don't think I'm afraid to use it if I need to.

---

Great GOFP Quotes

"You know, you folks won't like hearing this,
but there's a time to let it go and just move on."

-- Herr Limba, November 16, 1998

Yes, Pigboy.
The time to let go was January 20, 1993.

---

>From the Newsgroups
alt.radio.talk.dr-laura

Subject: Dr. Laura Tan Lines

Memo to Dr Laura:

Nice hooters, looks like you used to do sit ups too.
Could use a trim around the bush, though.

Devin

ha ha
The rest of her life, she'll be "Doc Meng, naked ho.")

When they write her obituary, they'll say,
"Doc Meng, hate-radio dittohead of the 90's who posed
nude for some guy she met at a truck stop, died today."

Serious meno to Doc Meng:

Dr. Schlessinger, seriously,
with all candor and humility,
you and Feedbag should rent a plane with a gallon
of gas and try to break Limberg's record to Paris.

---

Great GOFP Quotes

"Mr. Starr, is you were HALF the monster you're painted
to be by the Democrats, you should be corn-holed.

...excuse me, I mean keel-hulled."

-- some poor, mixed-up ditto-tang on the committee

---

From: Acuda4me@aol.com

Subject: Your attacks on the Jews

This stuff passes for humor on your planet?
You sorely have no talent whatsover,
How does a person with such hate and inability to think for
hiself lear to cross the street without getting hiy by a bus?

I was just writing to say that I WONDER how the folks at
the Jewish Anti-Defamation League will take to a few
of your posts being forwarded to them?

Hmmmmmm?

Have a NICE Day! : )

When did I attack the Jews?

I usually attack Catholics,
because I was held prisoner by them for so long.

I also attack televised money-driven religio-whores,
who sell tapes of the Clinton Body Count for $40.

Far as I know, Jews are neither.
The only thing I got against Jews is they let Doc Meng join.

---

This just in...

Susan McDougal found "not guilty" on all charges.
Another arrow in Po' Kenny's gut.

Kenny, take some pills and a quart of vodka and a nap.
The pain will go away.

---

Ditto-tang Mailbag

From: TDepalma@aol.com

Subject: remove me from your crap list bastird

I deleted you everytime your afraid of truth go defend
perjury you fool Rush rules Bartcop is an anry bitterman.
by your deleted from now on

Tony DePalma (truth detector)

---

ROUNDUP

I thought this issue would've been out weeks ago, but I got
caught behind a woman with kids at an Arby's drive-up window.

The election changed everything.

There's is no more "Crisis at the White House," so you
press whores have to come up with another "catchy" phrase.

...and I'm talking to YOU,  backdoor Bettina Gregory.

Koresh, I hate press whores.

Paula Jones is truly fucked, ...as if THAT'S news.
The huge mandate the people gave Clinton means Paula
won't get dick out of this, so to speak.

Penthouse Paula is down $1,900,000 in attorney's fees,
and she only has $850,000 to pay them.

I hear she has her old nose in a jar at home, too.
Maybe Rush'll buy it from her.

The Coathanger Coalition is screwed, too.
Organized religio-witchunts?
They hunt no mo.

On the other hand, blacks, gays and minorities are winners.
If you campaign as wanting American minorities destroyed,
you're going to lose the election, you nutty, nazi-putas.

Last issue I explained to minorities why it was
important that they get out and vote.

Vol 131:

>You Women - you'd better vote Democrat this year.
>You Blacks - you'd better vote Democrat.
>Minorities - you'd better vote, too.
>You Elderly - you'd better vote.
>You poor - you'd better vote two or three times.

So, ...they did.

Many see RL-LNW making the difference in the election,
but I refuse to accept all the glory.
We at RL-LNW only did our job, nothing more.

Newt, the man who wants black kids in orphanges is gone,
and Armey the foul-mouthed Dick is right behind him.

Get this:
They say Delay looks good now, because of his prior
back-stabbing supporting role in the Tom Paxon affair.

Oh, Jesus!

These are considered heavy losses at the GOFP,
but that's nothing compared to what we've lost at LNW.

Koresh, I've lost Reagan, Butch, Quayle, Dornan,
now I'm losing Snoot, Armey the foul-mouthed Dick...

Oh, well, ...I still have Pigboy and the Jesus twins.

Even Republicants dislike the felonious Linda Tripp.
She's "still under investigation" by Po' Kenny.
Kenny's pacing, intelligence and penis-sneezing tell us
he'll have the goods on Linder by the year 2026.

Kenny the Pooh had to testify - under oath.

Attention - Democratic National Committee!
Next time you get Po' Kenny under oath,
let me write some questions, OK?

Let me write a few questions and I guarantee Po' Kenny'll
go down faster than a fat girl on chocolate chip cookies.
Not only will I break him, I'll make him a perjuring ho.

Example:

"Mr. Starr, why didn't Lucianne Frankenstein testify?"

Then, when he starts to stammer, I'd say,

"I remind you, Mr. Starr, you're under oath!"

That'd rattle his nazi ass.

"Mr. Starr, you held Monica against her will, illegally.
Why didn't you pull that shit on someone with a brain?"

He'd start to stammer an excuse, so I'd cut him off:

"Are you sticking to that story, under oath?
You going to look America in the eye and say she was free
to walk away from your goon squad who told her she'd do
27 years in prison if she DARED call her lawyer?"

Trust me, that anal-retentive prick would've been sobbing
like Bob Dole at Dick Nixon's funeral.
Did you see how red Po' Kenny's ears were?
I taped it, did you?

Go back, look at Starr's ears.
They turn RED whenever he's lying.

Kendall may be a fine lawyer, but he's no trial lawyer.
Koresh, years ago, I had bulletin board debates on Prodigy
that were more probing that Kendall's questions.

Plus, David Kendall is no BartCop.
I'm sorry, I never brag, but when I do,
it's because if I don't, nobody else will!

I would've cut ramblin' Kenny off after each and every
never-ending, non-responsive, bullshit answer and said,
"Why can't I get a yes or no?
Why can't I get a yes or no, Kenny?
Why can't we just have the simple truth, Kenny?
Why do you insist on answering yes-or-no questions with
long-assed soliloquies about anything and eveything?
I'm getting somnipathy trying to follow you, Kenny."

Also, Kendall isn't too sharp.
Example:

Henry Hyde fucked up and said,
"Mr. Kendall, how much more time do you need?"

I would've said,
"It depends.
Does America want the truth or a bullshit media sideshow?
If we want a sideshow, I'm finished. But if America wants
the truth about this never-ending nightmare, give me another
hour and I'll make this punk-ass-nazi squeal like a Dornan."

But noooooooooooooooo.

When Hyde said, "How much more time do you need,"
Kendall screwed up and said "Huh?"

Hyde changed it to: "Would you like another 15 minutes?"
Kendall, to his credit, said "I'd like another 30 minutes."
Since Hyde is a repeat-sexual offender, and needs to cover
his ass as much as possible, he gave him the 30.

Bottom line?

Bill Clinton is so not-guilty, having ineffective counsel
STILL lets him walk away from this, but I sure wish
I could've had my crack at Po' Kenny.

Kendall asked Po' Kenny about that lady (Julie Hiatt Steele) he threatened to
steal her adopted kid from, and Po' Kenny exploded one again:

"I can't be responsible for everything my agents did!"

I would've said, "So, Po' Kenny, if the buck doesn't
stop with you, with whom does it stop?"

Innocent or guilty, Po' Kenny is on the spot.
Any first-year trial lawyer knows how to frame a question.
Why is David Kendall not as good as BartCop on cross?

Here's another question:

"Mr. Starr, does your penis sneeze when you get new evidence?
We have some blue slacks with stains on them, Kenny,
and I remind you, you're under oath."

I'd have Starr sweating pig gravy by now.

But.. it wasn't meant to be.
Fate determined that David Kendall would get Clinton off,
not your ediotr, ol' BartCop.

I would've been MUCH more jugular than Kendall.

After I made Po' Kenny admit to multiple felonies,
we'd locate Po' Kenny a seven-foot Crip for a roommate.

Hiyo!!!

That way, as the years went by,
Starr might be able to "work through" his penis obsession.

Rush made a BIG DEAL out of the fact that he predicted
Starr would be accused or perjury after he testified.

Duh...

Since he's a clumsy, goddamn liar, it FIGURES he'd be accused
of perjury by anyone with half a grasp of the facts, Rush.

Watch, I'll catch him right here:

He testified he never leaked anything to anyone, right?

Yet...

yet...

yet...

...yet his own report was on the Internet BEFORE it was
presented to Congress.

How did THAT happen, Mr Starr?
Can you explain yourself, Mr. Starr?

Explain please, Mr. Starr.
How did Drudge get your report BEFORE CONGRESS if you didn't leak it?

..and then I'd say, "HMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmm?????"
just like the Titan of Twaddle does every day.

Po' Kenny, you are busted.
You have committed perjury, Mr. Starr.

Unlike any private matters Clinton might have fudged on,
YOUR perjury is MATERIAL to erasing election results.
America doesn't like liars, Mr. Starr.

Gotcha!

Kenneth Starr, America finds you a guilty tobacco whore,
and your nuts are caught in the BartCop snare!

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