Hillary Arrest-Proof?
From: young@erim-int.com
BartCop,
I was watching the lovely First Lady speaking
last night when the oldest
boy, age fifteen, informed me that he knew why
she was running.
It's because she's guilty of something, and
as a senator she can't be tried.
Hokey Smokes, Bullwinkle! In my amazement
I jumped all over the poor
kid with $100m and 8 years and they never laid
a glove on her, etc, etc,
etc. I said that being a senator doesn't
make one immune from
prosecution, and he said his teacher told him
so. Then he left the room
and wouldn't talk about it anymore.
Is it possible his teacher, a public school teacher,
mind you, told him
that the NY senate campaign is about immunity
from prosecution?
What were they thinking?
Peter
Peter,
I'm not exactly sure, but there is a law that prevents, say, some GOP
sheriff
from arresting a bunch of Demo senators a few hours before some big
vote.
Maybe a legal person could write in and explain?
By the way, I hope you're into corporal punishment.
Sounds like sombody needs straightnin' out :)
Did Smirk Pay for an Abortion?
Larry Flynt says he did.
Today, on KROQ in New York (isn't that Stern's station?) Flynt
said
he couldn't give details until legal cleared it, but has he ever
been wrong?
He was right about Newt's girlfriend.
He was right about Bob Barr's abortion.
He was right about Bob Livingston's affairs.
He was right about Henry Hyde's family wrecking.
He was right about Dan Burton's secret bastard.
Is he right about Smirk?
Hey, Larry - you're two weeks late :)
John McCain Has Skin Cancer
LOS ANGELES (AP) - John McCain has been diagnosed with a recurrence
of skin cancer.
The cancer is melanoma, the most dangerous form of skin cancer,
GOP officials said.
Doctors found the skin tumors on his arm and temple, the official
said.
McCain planned a news conference Friday to discuss his medical
condition.
He has canceled a number of campaign appearances.
Big Fight
Subject: Jimmy Page (I'm a guitarist)
From: Cheffeller@aol.com
Well, sir, I don't know how
to play the Wanton song, never tried. But
just by looking at it last night, it seemed pretty
simple. Mostly power
chords, which is what a lot of Zeppelin stuff
is. In fact, most of their
harder rock songs are really really easy;
the rhythm parts, anyway. Then you
get into his solos (back then) which have my
fingers tongue-tied. But in
their simplicity, Page has that knack
of making it sound really good.
I admit I'm unarmed in this fight - I don't
play.
But when I owned that rock club, I heard
dozens of guitar players
saying Page was a real monster and they
wished they could do what he did.
Lots of times you can tell just by the
tone of their voice they're speaking
with great respect, as some might with
Hendrix or SRV. This is the first
time I've seen the word "simple" to describe
Page's playing.
Some people have claimed the
phrase, "simplicity is the key." I differ on
that. There's a lot of simple stuff out there
that's just crap. Rather, it's
pulling off that simplicity and making
it sound great which makes it that
much better. Neil Young is another good example
of this. But I digress.
Anyway, I think most of Page's
talent lies in their acoustic songs. Even
Page says he considers those his best works.
And yes, he uses some "funny"
tunings sometimes. They're not really anything
revolutionary or individual to
him, but he uses them well. (Hell, any guitarists
ever check out the tunings
Sonic Youth uses? Fuckin crazy.) For example,
the Rain Song. Typical tuning
on a guitar is E B G D A E. On the rain song,
it's E D A D A E. So you have
this nice octave jump on the 2nd and 3rd strings.
Drop the bottom and top Es
to Ds, and you have even more of a jump. Fun
for droning and improvs. I've
used that tuning myself a couple times. But I
think overall Page uses
standard tuning, from the songs I've learned
to play.
Crtitique on Page's solo last
night: Er, I think he sounded old, heh. You
can't figure out where he's going because it
really wasn't all that fluid. I
heard him a couple times go to play a lick, kinda
flub it, and redo it. And
he was just kinda slow and basic, skipping around
a lot. But one shouldn't
really expect him to be as on and fluid and crazy
as he used to be.
Koresh, I wish I knew what I was talking
about.
Most guitar players play a note for every
eighth note, or whatever I mean.
But Page sometimes plays seven notes in
an eight-note box, and it's not
that he missed a note - sometimes he stretches
those seven notes out
proportionately divided into eight segments.
He did that a couple of
times in that Wanton Song solo.
I know so little about the terminology,
but I've spent thousands of
hours listening to clear recordings of
his life stuff, and that crazy playing
has always been his style. Some people
say he can't play it correctly,
some others say he's so good, he doesn't
want to be restricted to the
normal boundaries assigned to the guitar.
The thing about him disregarding time signature
I don't really get. If
you mean that in some of their songs they don't
stick to a simple 4/4 time,
or switch time signature within a song, ok. But
otherwise, I mean...ever
listen to jazz?
I try to avoid jazz whenever
possible. I'll see if I can post some 5-second
examples of what I'm talking about, but
just as an example, I've seen him
do soloes where he'd jump from lead guitar
into some staccato chord-thing
and back in just a second, and there's
nobody else that had that kind of
disregard for convention - at least that
I've heard. Maybe Bonham was
creating odd-shaped boxes for Page to fill.
I've never heard anybody
do what Bonham did, either. Geez, you talk
about a guy with a healthy
disregard for convention.
Do I come off 'dissin' Page
some? I don't mean to. He's pretty dern
great. Would I call him "god"? No. But I don't
play favorites either. And I
like this Black Crows with Page tour idea. I
haven't really heard anything
from the Black Crowes since their first two albums,
but they're really the
only band around now that so well captures that
blues-rock, late late 60s,
through mid 70s rock and roll sound. In the mainstream,
anyway. Others try
and it just ends up so washed out. Too many contemporary
influences or
something. Black Crowes cite the Rolling Stones
as one of their key
influences, and they nail it. And Chris Robinson
(lead singer) is the
perfect, er, "replacement" for Robert Plant.
I think Page is probably having
some good fun on this tour.
So there you go. Any more
specific questions, feel free to ask, and I'll
try to answer.
Let me do this jimmypagejimmypage so I can search for your
note later,
but I'd like to post a very short example of what I mean.
By the way, I've been meaning to mention this forever, but I have
a unique
videotape, (shot in my house, that's why I'm sure) of the best
non-wealthy
guitar player I've ever heard getting a guitar lesson
from a guy.
When I discovered this guy was in my house, I put a camcorder
on his
hands as he explained where-no-man-has-gone-before guitar techniques
to this best-I-ever-saw guitar player named Rick Del Castillo.
This is the kind of tape you can watch/listen to for 10 seconds
and say,
"Jesus, this is like nothing I've ever seen before."
Wish I played guitar so I knew exactly what the others were raving about.
That guy speaking is voting for Nader.
Smirk's Legal Flip-Flop
Stroke Me, Stroke Me
"The GOP convention in Philadelphia was a well-oiled machine."
Rush is right again!
Great Comedy Quotes
"This election is still about Clinton's tallywacker."
-- Talk show host Bill Maher
Prediction:
Someday, Joe Conason will write an article I don't like.
That day is not today.
Ediotr's Note: This column embargoed till 8/21
God Injured
Former Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page and the Black Crowes
have
scrapped the rest of the second leg of their tour because of
a recent
back injury suffered by the most inventive guitarist in rock
history.
No word on when canceled shows, planned to run thru August 30
in Houston, will be re-scheduled. The tour's next legs begins
Sept 23.
Who's Afraid of the LA She-Thing?
Freerepublic.com
has a piece in which Larry Flynt is claiming
on a radio station that W. paid for someone to have an abortion.
But Smirk told Baba Wawa that abortion was the taking of a life.
Will the GOP elect a baby-killer?
ha ha
Sure they will.
They want that tax cut.
Great Press Quotes
Not long ago America faced a choice between
sober, sensible fiscal
discipline and huge, irresponsible tax
cuts. We chose discipline,
and were rewarded with growth beyond our
wildest dreams.
So why would anyone today propose exactly
the kind of irresponsibility
we were lucky to avoid four years ago?
-- Paul Krugman, New
York Whore Times
Subject: Last night
From: jbhigdon@townsend.com
A couple of things:
1. I usually watch the convention on C-SPAN
because I can't stand the idiocy
of the yammering whores.
But C-SPAN blew it, or Joe walked in at the wrong time.
The camera left the film screen
when Joe came in.
On the screen, Stephen Hawking
was endorsing Al Gore.
I think I would have rather
watched the most brilliant man on Earth
endorse Al Gore than watch
Joe shake hands.
2. Michael Moore: M.M. seems to feel
that there is no difference between D's and R's.
Being that he is a man who
sells himself as the "voice" of the worker, I can point up a
huge difference in three words.
Air Traffic Controllers!
Shit! Some people have
really short memories.
Either that or Alzheimer's
disease is more devastating than I thought.
Reagan can't remember his
presidency, and the people who were screwed by it can't either.
Jim H.
This Just In...
Steve Largent, (R-Jesus Twin) just told
K-Drag AM Radio that
he was "surprised" at both party's choices
for the presidential nominations.
Steve, your coaches told you not to run
those routes over the middle,
but you wouldn't listen and now your thinking
process has more big holes
than the car they found Bonnie & Clyde
in.
Let me explain it to you, Steve:
Smirk was handed $100,000,000 and your party's
nomination without a fight
because the GOP owed his daddy a big, big
favor from 8 years ago,
and also because he wasn't involved in
the Great Clinton Cock Hunt.
Gore was picked because he's the most qualified person on the planet.
is attacking JoeL for working,
eating and drinking on the Sabbath.
Of course, if JoeL refused to work, eat and drink on the
Sabbath,
Drudge would attack him, too, but with larger type.
Drudge is a very small man.
Bill Maher is having a busy week
Tonight - Joe Lockhart
Thursday - Penn Jillette; Barney Frank;
Friday - Al Franken;
Monday - Ralph Nader;
Eilene Smith's Must Read Column from AMPOL
Click Here for AMPOL's temp
Click Here forever
I had no idea what I missed working Monday night.
Dennis Miller
BY JAY MARIOTTI
How do you not love a guy who refers to
Al Michaels as Gordon Gekko, compares
Dick Vermeil to a pepper-sprayed female
poet and thinks officials are throwing penalty flags
more accurately this year because "the
specter of Johnnie Cochran" is hovering?
ha ha
The stuffy purists of sports broadcasting
can remain embalmed in the last century.
Feet up, irreverence flaring, Dennis Miller
was such a hoot Monday night that I can't
wait for the next Monday night. There are
those who call his addition to the most
sacred booth in TV a form of blasphemy,
a desecration of the holy testosterone temple.
They should be banished to an attic with
a lifetime supply of Frank Gifford tapes.
The rantmonster, I suspect, is here to
stay. In his second appearance in jockland,
my favorite social satirist was looking
to find a balance between comedic timing and
passable football knowledge. He thrived
in both arenas, firing off an impressive flurry
of infonuggets and observations while turning
an unwatchable exhibition blowout into
a must-hear howltrack from start to signoff.
This was a closer version of the HBO Miller,
the wickedly sarcastic Miller. No one
was immune from his slashing barbs. Enjoying
himself very much at Nashville's
Adelphia Coliseum, he figured a certain
Tennessean might be peeking in on this
pseudo Super Bowl rematch between the Titans
and Rams. "You know Al Gore is
watching," Miller said. "Not only is this
his hometown, the Rams are the only team in
football that changes positions as frequently
as he does."
He was just warming up. Minutes later, 26-year-old
blond Melissa Stark, who
supplanted 46-year-old brunette Lesley
Visser as a sideline reporter, was interviewing
Titans owner Bud Adams. He's a man known
for an interesting wig. "The field is grass,"
Miller noted. "What do you think, was that
artificial turf I just saw?"
ha ha
You could only wonder what the billionaire
boys club--the control freaks who own
NFL teams and run the league--was thinking.
What would the loon with the mike
say next? The answer came when Michaels
mentioned that the Rams changed their
uniform scheme after winning a championship.
"The new unis are nice, but I'm not
sure I would have changed anything after
last year," Miller said. Told that it involves
merchandising, he shot back, "Al, you're
not telling me that money is at ground zero
of this decision. Raw, exposed commerce!"
And couldn't you hear several personnel
executives, including Mark Hatley of the
Bears, cringing when Miller took them apart
for passing on Tennessee's Jevon
Kearse? He knew enough about the 1999 draft
to realize Kearse went much too
low at No. 16. "If I'm an owner and my
GM passed on him, I'm not sure he's my
talent guy anymore," Miller opined. "I
don't want to highlight any names. But 16th? I
don't care what the combine numbers said.
The kid comes off the corner like
Houston McTear."
No wonder the staid Michaels and the stiff
Dan Fouts were numb by game's end.
"This was the longest game I've ever been in,"
Fouts said to Miller. "You dropped
the drunk from Drunkenmiller and made yourself
Dennis Miller."
Never mind the boors. Rant on, Dennis the
Menace. What better mix for the masses
than insight and humor? The Miller idea
was the brainchild of Don Ohlmeyer, a
creative TV guy from way back, and David
Israel, who was smart enough to leave
his gig as a Chicago Tribune sports columnist
and flee to Hollywood. They weren't
sure Miller would be interested in their
crossover experiment. Little did they know
the guy was a closet sports nut. "I've
laid on a couch in my undies for the last 30
years watching football on TV," he said.
"I'm a lot more passionate about football
and the history of football then I am about
comedy and the history of comedy.
I take football very, very seriously."
Sometimes. Opening the telecast, he broke
down the Rams' coaching transition from
the high-strung Vermeil to the businesslike
Mike Martz. "Vermeil," Miller said, "was
an emotional man who seemed to cry more
frequently than Sylvia Plath being
pepper-sprayed." Sylvia Plath? Not exactly
a reference known to your basic
WSCR, bet-$500-with-Knuckles listener.
Plath was a '60s American poet known
for violent imagery. Isn't your life better
for knowing that?
"Martz is the velvet assassin," Miller continued
in his professor glasses, "a man who
has a taste for the jugular like Lestat.
Not a bad deal for the Rams, Albeeno."
Albeeno is Michaels. The golden-voiced dictator
laughs at Miller's jokes, but
knowing the size of his ego and his zeal
to be the center of attention, maybe he
regrets running Boomer Esiason out the
door. Clearly, Miller will dominate,
broadcast tradition be damned. "It's a
football game. I can't get that depressed
about it. It's not like Vietnam," he said
in a recent conference call. "I always throught
Dean Martin did a nice job on TV, so I
would like to be Dean Martin in a gold blazer."
He knows his football. He just happens to
present it differently than the rest. Of
ancient Tennessee guard Bruce Matthews,
brother of former NFL lineman Clay, he
said, "Much like Levi Strauss, the bottom
line is in the genes." Of Titans receiver
Carl Pickens, who escaped Cincinnati, he
said, "The Bengal stripes were prison
stripes for Pickens. Now he gets to kick
the warden's butt twice a year." He even
showed a sense of compassion, saying of
Trent Green, the injured quarterback who
watched Kurt Warner take his job and spin
a fairy tale: "He's a very classy kid.
You know it had to break his heart to see
them go on that magical mystery tour."
Then came the fun. As Titans offensive coordinator
Mike Heimerdinger covered his
face with his game plan, Miller cracked,
"Looks like Mike had a cold sore tonight."
When someone held a "Hi, Dad" sign, Miller
said, "Hi, Dad? The guy holding the
sign is 75 years old." And when young Rams
QB Joe Germaine entered:
"This kid is like 5 years old. He looks
like Danny Bonaduce."
The only thing America didn't hear was an
expletive. He did use a few too many
outer-space phrases like "cyclotron," suggested
he was in an S.J. Perelman story
(who?) and became the only man ever to
compare Green to Russell Crowe.
"You know," he said, "it's so loud in here,
I'm not sure I can hear myself not thinking
clearly."
Keep thinking the way you think, madman.
We love you.
"Start blow drying Teddy's hair," he said
just past 9,
referring to Ted Koppel in his trademark
closing line.
"This one's over."
The rant, thankfully, is just beginning.
Subject: Dynasties
From: mcgriffy@io.com
Bartcop,
Why, given that one of the complaints about
the shrub is that he's only
there because of his parentage, are the
Democrats trotting out the
biggest dynasty in their party? Sure,
JFK and Bobby were some of the
great men of the last century and the current
crop seem to be pretty
good speakers. But perhaps they could
have featured JFK in the context
of other great Democrats and spread the
Kennedy speaches over several
nights to avoid the family succession angle.
Then again, the press
don't seem to be calling them on this one.
I wonder why not?
I guess the truth is that parentage and
connections actually count for more
than any of us care to admit in both parties.
As long as the Demo's focus
on qualifications of the actual candidates,
they've got it made.
DMcG
David, I cried when I read your letter.
It made me think, "What if?"
Wouldn't it have been nice to see Martin
Luther King Jr onstage?
Rumor has it the man could give a speech.
Wouldn't it have been nice to hear Bobby
give a speech last night?
Bobby would've been president, I have no
doubt.
Wouldn't it have been nice to see Jack Kennedy
at the podium last night,
with his grey hair and his expanding waistline,
talking about what he
accomplished in his eight years in office?
But no, we didn't get to see any of that
last night did we?
You know why?
Because they were all fucking murdered.
Give the Punditry a Rest
Oh, won't you pleeeeease
shut up?
All you talking heads! All you drama critics!
All you media buzzards ripping
apart President Clinton's convention speech
nanoseconds after the last lip bite!
Clinton family members were still scrambling
on stage to wave when the pundits
pounced. He showed "no sense of real
respect for the party," carped presidential
historian Doris Kearns Goodwin on PBS.
Excuse me? The man has just implored the
Democratic convention to secure
his Democratic legacy by voting for the
Democrats. No credit?
His praise of Vice President Gore was "boilerplate,"
offered Michael Beschloss,
another PBS panelist.
As opposed to what? Something more specific
like, "Al Gore
makes the best tuna salad in three counties"?
The President said
one of the greatest decisions he ever made
was choosing Al.
He said Al is the only politician who understands
the impact
technology will have on the future. That's
boilerplate?
Moving on to First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton's
speech,
journalist Haynes Johnson said she had
"confused people" because
"she's a candidate for Senate, she's First Lady,
she's introducing her husband. ..."
Believe it or not, Haynes, that's really
not too difficult for us to understand.
Dim though you must deem us, we get it.
We know she's up there multitasking.
In fact, we know plenty of other stuff the
pundits never give us credit for.
For instance: How many times have you heard
the experts proclaim,
"Al Gore must distance himself from Bill
Clinton's scandals"?
Probably more than you've heard your mother
say, "Drink your milk."
ha ha
But I would guess that every man, woman
and Gingrich understands just fine
that Gore had zippo to do with Bill Clinton's
peccadilloes. So all this discussion
of "distancing" is just blather. We are
not holding him accountable for Monica!
He's distant already! Duh!
The torture that is TV political analysis
does more than just
belabor the obvious — but that's certainly
still a strong point.
Thus, regarding Hillary Clinton's address,
Beschloss griped,
"You had a sense she was reading from text."
A sense?
You were positive she was reading from
a text!
You could see the TelePrompTer! I suppose
Beschloss thinks TV
anchormen just extemporaneously describe
the news every night!
Goodwin, meanwhile, added that Hillary delivered
her speech in a "singsong,"
and "there didn't seem to be emotion connected
to words."
Well, maybe it's time to stop looking for
emotion connected to
words and start looking for action connected
to words. Hillary's
speech described how she spent the past
30 years working for
children's rights, women's rights and adoption
rights. Doesn't that
imply a connection to her words, even if
her voice is singsong?
Besides, what is Hillary aiming for — an
Oscar or a Senate seat?
So why talk about her delivery at all?
And didn't we just see it for ourselves?
And shouldn't we decide if we found it
sincere?
In Olympic events, it makes sense for a
panel of experts to pass
judgment on a performance we've all just
witnessed. They're the
ones who can tell when a triple lutz was
a 9.7, not us. But in an
appeal to the people, it is up to the people
to evaluate.
Under the guise of offering us wisdom and
perspective, postmortem pundits
actually preempt our own analysis. At worst,
they end up swaying our opinions
before we've had a chance to form them
ourselves.
As another politician put it recently: It is time for them to go.
From: sabutai@ix.netcom.com
Subject: Will Bush Start Drinking Again
BartCop
I was talking to a friend on the phone last
night.
We were talking about the upcoming election.
The conversation came around to what Dubya
would do after he lost the election.
Do you think Dubya will return to his drunken
ways?
All we need is another Drunk Texan.
I really do pity Pickles if that happens.
She should pack up and leave for several
months.
Look what happened to Heston when he tried
to fuck with Gore!
SABUTAI
Laura the Martyr - Feeling the Heat
Yes, her little kingdom is starting to crumble,
and she's in a panic!
Right now, she's swearing she never said
anything about "biological errors"
and she claims she never called gays
"deviants."
She says she's been lied about, and no newspapers
will print the truth
because .... well, she never said what
was powering the "great conspiracy"
behind getting her off the air, but she
had real fear in her voice today.
Like that great Oklahoman Anita Bryant,
her open hatred of gays,
and using the Bible to hide behind when
she attacks them,
is getting bigger than her career and her
money niagra is in danger.
Oh, no!
Think how horrible that must be to be a
money-grubbing whore
and your agents and accountants and lawyers
and press people
come to you and tell you your money niagra
is starting to trickle.
Panic, Laura.
Panic!
Procter & Gamble,
American Express,
United Airlines,
AT&T,
Kraft,
Geico,
Xerox,
SkyTel,
Amica Insurance,
Box.com,
ToysRUs.com,
TCF Bank,
Priceline.com,
Kroger Food Stores,
Red Lobster,
are ALL jumping ship, because nobody
likes a Nazi.
So what does little Laura do?
Does she stick to her guns?
Does she stick with her "profound" religious
beliefs?
Does she stick with her Bible?
Does she take the heat "like a man?"
No - whores don't do that.
Whores, especially the richest ones, follow the money - every nickle.
Like Pigboy, she can't get by on the $72,000,000
she got for
her hate show's syndication, and she can't
live on the $12,000,000
they pay her every fucking year to generate
MORE hate, so she's selling out.
She's taking it allllllllllllll back.
"I never said those things!"
"I never said anything like that!
ha ha
Squirm, bitch.
Watching the LA She-Thing lose her career
will be fun.
And it's less than 30 days until the premier
of "Dr. Laura Hate TV!"
Maxine Waters Again
This lady is almost starting to piss me
off.
She's on the front page of USA Today, happy
as a clam, cheek-to-cheek hugging JoeL.
That's fine, but USA Today "goes to bed"
around 9PM CST.
Last night, at 10:35 CST (fully documented
here
by bartcop.com)
she was whining to any camera that would
have her about JoeL
being a threat to something, probably Gore's
election chances.
If she was happy before USA Today
went to press,
why was she bitching at 10:35?
What did JoeL do to her between press time
and 10:30?
Democrats are lining up to cause Gore problems.
The press would love more than anything
to get a black/Jew war
going just as this race heats up. If you
watched last night, I don't think
there was a single interview with a black
delegate who wasn't asked
if they were comfortable with Joel being
such a Jew.
If blacks, gays, women, unions, trial lawyers
and teachers would
bite their tongue and pretend there's something
real at stake here,
Gore could win this easily, but the
press wants a story!
Folks, if you don't use your head, you'll
have the satisfaction of telling
private citizen Gore he should've listened
more closely to you in 2000.
Low on Nazi Hate?
Newest wild rumor
Clinton will help Hillary get elected to
the Senate, then have her killed.
Then he will "graciously accept" the appointment
to her Senate seat.
That theory is very plausible, if you think Rush is God.
Yesterday was the biggest hit day ever at
BartCop's Treehouse.
Over 320 hits, Swear to Koresh!
I have a feeling that might level off some,
tonight.
I'm not sure Smokin' Joe can keep up with
Survivor,
and West Wing,
and Big Brother. By the way, West
Wing is shooting in the Staples Center
after the convention, not sure why.
One rumor says the second
season will have flashbacks to how Bartlett
got elected, (war room scenes
and stuff) so maybe they're re-enacting
his rise to power. I guess
we'll find out in a few weeks.
So, tonight might not be New Years and Fourth
of July combined,
but Thursday is probably going to tell
us who the next president will be.
I'm going to go to my local spirits store
and get a bottle of you-know-what
and watch the President-elect make his
case for continuing the miracle.
I'm inviting everyone to join me Thursday night for cocktails.
You don't need an expensive bottle of you-know-what
to participate.
You could grab some MGD at the 7-11, or
just drink a Mountain Dew,
but let's watch Gore draw a map of the
future Thursday night and try to
gauge whether America buys into Gore's
vision.
Of course, we'll have full coverage of Smokin'
Joe tonight,
but Thursday will be a hueueueueueuege
night for the Democrats, Americans,
and most importantly, bartcop.com
By midnight, I'll know if I'll be driving a 1990 Cavalier or something else.
Thursday Night!
Have you heard the latest on that stupid Russian submarine?
Now that it appears the men are all dead,
now the Russians say they'll accept
help from the West.
Good move, guys.
Now that 118 brave men have had their lives
snuffed out,
you dorkos want help recovering your precious
sub?
And the damn submarine is in 350 feet of
water.
350 feet!
I think BrainSmasher, Sabutai and myself
could've rescued that sub.
350 feet?
Wasn't the Titanic down 10,000 feet?
Koresh, no wonder their sub sunk.
Russia doesn't know Smirk about underwater
anything.
Why didn't they ask for help when the men
were still alive?
Are they so afraid we'd discover their
super-sub technology?
Their damn subs are made of Lincoln Logs.
Hey, Russia - we have our own sub technology,
thank you.
We probably could've saved those men in
a couple of hours.
...and I can't even blame organized religion for this one.
ha ha
You can call Clinton a lot of things,
and they have,
but nobody calls him "stupid."
Before BrainSmasher, Sabutai and I go to
the Berents Sea
to help the idiot Russians raise their
sub in 35 feet of water,
BrainSmasher had time for a quick column.
7:44
Jesse in the house!
...and he's rhyming!
Attacking GOP phony-baloneys in Philly, good start.
One country - one flag!
Yes!
Go, Jesse!
Give those bastards hell for waving that slaver flag!
Our time has come!
Go, Jesse!
Damn, he got to talking fast, and that was good stuff!
7:51
Jesse's getting revved up!
We have two teams, good and evil!
Jesse Helms, Dick Armey, Barr, Lott!
The evil team...
Go, Jesse!
Bush/Cheney want to give the surplus to the rich.
Don't let them!
ha ha
Go, Jesse!
This land is OUR land!
He's going after Smirk!
Don't Mess with Texas?
Go, Jesse!
Pound them!
Don't Mess with America!
Jesse's doing so good, I hope he wears a vest on the way out of
there.
The GOP doesn't cotton to niggers who don't play the game.
Pound them, Jesse!
Pound them!
Stay Out The Bushes!
Stay Out The Bushes!
Stay Out The Bushes!
Stay Out The Bushes!
Stay Out The Bushes!
Stay Out The Bushes!
ha ha
Tell them, Jesse!
Tell them what Smirk will do.
Tell them what this ditto-monkey gang of thugs will do to blacks
if we don't have a Democratic president to stop them!
Tell them, Jesse!
More with Gore!
More Health Care with Gore!
More Education with Gore!
More Wages with Gore!
More Health with Gore!
More Freedom with Gore!
More Strength with Gore!
More Security with Gore!
ha ha
Go, Jesse!
8 PM
Are you sitting down?
The Fox News Whores didn't like the speech.
"The same old chestnuts from conventions past," they whined.
You'd think being almost-citizens, those niggers wouldn't complain
so much...
I'm getting real antsy about Caroline.
I could miss the Bill Bradley speech, and still have a full life,
but now that I've
heard Jesse, I want to hear Teddy and I want to see Caroline,
the star of the night.
I wonder if she's nervous?
8:11
Little Miss Sharp Tongue is having a bad night.
She and Mara Liasson should get a bottle of gin and a room.
On Fox, they're trying to get John Lewis to say something bad about Jews.
ha ha
Pound them John!
Look, it's Maria Shriver on MSNBC.
Wow!
She interviewing Jesse the Body!
(picture not avail)
Jesse says the Demos shouldn't run from Clinton.
Smart man, Jesse.
8:20
Thank Koresh, we're getting a submarine update from Tom Clancy
on 8-Wives.
Nothing like having an "expert" on to say, "anybody's guess."
Next on 8-Wives - Christopher Reeve.
Brokaw says Caroline coming on at 9 PM CST
Forty years ago this week...
Uh-Oh, if you're on MSNBC, you have to put up with this yammering clown,
Tim, have you ever previewed what you were about to say in your
head?
You seem to say any goddamn stupid thing that pops into
your head.
Next to Russert, Tom Brokaw comes off as scholarly.
Caroline will introduce Teddy?
I guess that was Teddy's price to ask her...
Geez, how many more of these do we have to watch every hour, every
channel.
Can we re-negotiate that treaty?
This Goo-Goo guy says he's voting Gore because "Bush scares the livin' shit outta me."
ha ha
Hey, Cuomo just told 8-Wives that JoeL is going to be dynamite
tomorrow night.
He says JoeL is killer at the podium.
Cuomo wouldn't lie, would he?
We know last night was monster.
We'll know in an hour if tonight will be.
We know Gore will rule!
If Cuomo says Joel is killer, could be a good week.
ha ha
8:38
Twenty minutes until Caroline speaks.
If Bill Bradley runs long,
they'll use a giant hook and pull his ass off the stage, right?
Since this is Caroline's first speech, she shouldn't be rushed.
8:41
Joel in the House!!
He wants to see Caroline, too!
JoeL, mobbed like a rock star!
Secret Cervix has to whisk him away for safety's sake.
Brit Hume?
Why do you put dye in your hair, Brit?
Everybody knows you're very old, so who you foolin, huh?
Bill Bennett on 8-Wives with Ma Richards.
You know, he's never been convicted of a crime?
He was never even brought to trial.
Should a guy that heavy, and that old, smoke that much?
8:55
Carville on MSNBC
Pound them, James!
ha ha
You think this is a partisan attack?
"Stand by," he says!
ha ha
Reminder:
That good Democrat Christie Brinkley on Leno tonight.
Brokaw says Caroline is up next.
I'm more nervous than a fat dog in a Korean lifeboat.
(Homage to Dennis Miller)
9 PM
Waiting for "Her."
On Fox, the Beltway Assholes are reading Caroline's speech.
Hey, guys! Go screw yourselves - ler HER give the damn speech.
Wow!
She looks great!
First mention of JFK, first standing ovation.
She's being very mature, very reasonable.
I don't think she'll be doing any pounding, but we can still
hope.
Clean air, clean water - vote Gore!
Oh, Christ, now she's talking gun violence.
"It's up to us!"
That's creepy, thinking of what she went thru.
Damn, she's already done.
I was hoping they'd let her go longer...
I wonder if Teddy's ever tried the Chinaco?
I think he's going to get serious...
"Seize the moment"
"I've only supported two other tickets this early and with
this level of enthusiasm, and they were my brothers!"
ha ha
Cool!
It's pounding time!!
Go, Teddy
Call Smirk a liar, then do it again!
Funny, Ted doesn't have that slurring, speech impediment Pigboy
always plays.
Pigboy, I'd like to smack you real hard, you know
that?
Let there be NO mistake - there IS a difference.
Health care is life and death, don't let Smirk fuck it up!
ha ha
Teddy just said "fuck" on TV.
Pound them., Ted!
Go!
He's taking a stand on health care, and he's pissed!
Don't let Smirk turn our health care over to his bribe buddies!
Will we comfort the comfortable?
Or make it better for everyone?
Pound him, Ted!
Whoa, he just quoted Mr Spock.
The "few vs the many" thing from IV
Dare to dream again!
Wait, he's done already?
Why are they finishing so soon?
For Bradley?
I sure hope Bradley doesn't come out whining.
If Bradley comes out whining, I'm going to phone in a death threat.
Not to him, to Pigboy, ha ha
There goes Russert again, grabbing at Clinton's cock.
Let it go, just for one week, would you Tim?
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock,
Tim, are you getting paid by the cock?
9:38
I'll make a deal with Bradley.
If he gives a good speech, and doesn't whine, I'll ease up on
him.
But if he goes after Clinton or Gore, they'd better boo his ass
off the stage.
9:43
I'm back - damn computer shut down again.
While I was down, Bradley was whining!
"I ran for president this year - and I have the scars to prove it!"
Hey, Bradley, get over it!
Buck up, and take it like a man!
You think you got scars?
You were in the wading pool, son.
You wanna see scars, check out Smirk in 90 days.
ha ha
He's getting better now, staying on the "health care" theme.
(Smirk is so guilty on HC, that's why they're pounding him)
The little girl said, "it wasn't my turn to eat today..."
Wow!
OK, so Bradley has gone up a few points on the BartCop Stock Exchange...
(CNN broke away so Al Hunt's wife can talk to Caroline and Teddy.
That might be the smart move.)
Caroline is talking women's rights, rights they'll lose
if that Mama's boy never-worked-a-day-in-his-life loser
somehow squeaks into the most powerful chair in the world.
Boy, Caroline looks great, doesn't she?
That "smart women" thing has been all over this convention.
I wish I knew how to fine-tune my video grabber.
Well, isn't wasn't the barn-burner I was hoping for, but it still
was a successful night.
Jesse had the best speech, I guess that was always the "conventional
wisdom."
Maybe now that Caroline has broken the ice, she'll be a regular.
Tomorrow is JoeL vs Survivor, will anybody be watching the Democrats?
10 PM
Caroline and Teddy with Tom Brokaw.
Thanks, NBC, for keeping "Mr Tim Clinton's-Cock" away from Caroline.
Thanks, NBC, for keeping your yapping dog muzzled.
Oh, shit. I spoke too soon.
There he is.
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's
cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's
cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's
cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's
cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's
cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's
cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's
cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's
cock,
10:10
Just caught a snip of Jon Stewart's show.
He said last night, when Clinton told everybody,
"Don't stop thinking about tomorrow," he spoke so long, it was
tomorrow.
ha ha
I'll bet somebody else wrote that, but it's still a good line.
His guest is Bob Kerry.
Remember, he apologized for the "Clinton liar" remark last night.
Why did he wait 5 years to do that?
I could've been a fan of his if he knew how to keep his eye on
the ball.
Like that "misunderstanding" Zepp and I currently have.
He could call me any goddamn thing in the world in some e-mail
to me
or on my page, but to go "public" and attack me on michaelmoore.com
just felt like a knife in the back. It was a very uncool thing
to do.
Kerry had no business attacking Clinton in public, either.
He should've picked up the damn phone or gone over to the White
House
and said, "Goddammit, you screwed that up, Mr President."
Calling Clinton a "very good liar" enabled the GOP shits to say,
"Everybody knows Kerry is an honest man."
You can attack in private, just don't do it where Rush can get
hold of it,
which is why it's hard to get over the Bradley thing, too.
Any time you sling a slur at your own party member,
all you're doing is feeding the vulgar Pigboy,
and if you've seen him lately, you know he doesn't need feeding.
.
That should be Job One for the Democrats.
Stop giving the vulgar Pigboy quotes.
10:22
Bill Kristol just told a whopping big lie.
He said Clinton wasn't mentioned tonight because the Demos are
"schizophrenic" under Al Gore.
Hey, asshole!
If they had mentioned Clinton, you pricks would say we
can't live without him.
For weeks, you idiots have been saying "Clinton refuses to get
off stage,"
and now that he's gone you want the new team to talk about him
a lot?
Does anybody know?
Is Kristol related to Russert?
10:30
Jesse is making the rounds on TV.
Let's try a game:
When he gets to MSNBC, lets count the seconds before Russert the Prick says,
Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown,
Hymietown,
Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown,
Hymietown,
Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown,
Hymietown,
Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown,
Hymietown,
Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown,
Hymietown,
Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown, Hymietown,
Hymietown,
Russert and the vulgar Pigboy.
More alike?
Or more different?
Here we go again!
Maxine Waters has a problem with JoeL.
Hey, Maxine!
Don't run to the nearest news camera!
Pick up the goddamn phone and call JoeL and say,
"If you won't talk to me, THEN I'm going in front of a camera."
Democrats can be so suicidal.
Wish I had a shot of Chinaco, but I'm saving that for Thursday.
From: rhill@netegra.com
Subject: Question
Let me first say that I do not belong, nor
have ever belonged to any
political party. I vote depending on what
my reading of the situation is at
the time. I have voted for Democrats, Republicans,
Libertarians, you name it.
But, the question I have for you, as a non-party-member
is this. If Bill
Clinton really does deserve the award for
"best performance as an American
President," then why is it that Al Gore,
after 8 years as his vice
president, and half of the "Clinton Gore"
equation, is still running behind
Bush in almost every single poll?
Roy Hill
Roy,
Forgive me, but let me answer with a question.
"If that football team is so good, why are they behind 10-7 in
the first half?"
Actually, our game doesn't even start until Friday.
Smirk is unknown - a blank slate.
People want to think he's as he seems, so "compassionate."
When Gore gets thru with him, he'll be unmasked, and ten points
down.
Ted Nugent Comments on Columbine
DENVER (AP) - Former rock star and current gun loon Ted Nugent
suggests in his new
book that students could have stopped last year's Columbine High
massacre by
simply rushing one of the two gunmen.
Nugent, a director of the National Rifle Association, and one
of their smartest members,
also wrote that the bloodbath proved kids should be allowed to
carry concealed weapons.
Nugent, 51, autographed copies of his book, "Gods, Guns and
Rock N' Roll,''
Monday at a bookstore as two armed police officers stood by to
protect his unpopular ass
from the public, who hates him.
Tom Mauser, whose son Daniel was one of the 12 students killed
at Columbine,
called Nugent's statements ``despicable.''
"I think he's living in this fantasy world where kids are crybabies
if they
don't fight back against somebody holding a gun,'' Mauser said.
From: corone@zdnetonebox.com
Subject: Donald Sutherland
Saw Donald on the Regis and ??? show.
He had a good line about when he went to Houston.
"You know you can eat the air there"
...too bad he didn't add "Thanks Smirk"
Paul
P.S. terrific convention coverage
From: AtticusGump@aol.com
Subject: The Late Show
Tomorrow night at 1235am on The Late Show with Kilborn:
Al Franken vs Ben Stein
"Revolting" Kathleen Willey Says She'd Do Lazio
Disgusted by back-to-back Clinton convention speeches last night,
Kathleen Willey broke a long silence to say she's willing to
help Rep. Rick Lazio's
Senate campaign against Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Willey hammered the First Lady as a mastermind of White House
efforts to discredit
Willey after Willey tried to get $350,000 for her wild accusations.
"I've had about a bellyful of these people," Willey said.
ha ha
I could, ...but I won't.
There are kids and old people who read bartcop.com
ha ha
From: j_mason@ameritech.net
Subject: Circle Jerking Whores
Bartcop, without you I'd be lost, or trying
to find a baseball game.
It is because of you that have a level
of interest in politics, and have
learned how to watch the so called "news"
programs.
By covering both conventions, you did all
the hard work, you actually
watched and paid attention (as best you
could). Me, I've tried in bits
and pieces, and then found myself need
a few drinks to get my head
clear. Thanks to you there have been two
things I've been introduced to
(aside from the Chinaco): the news channels
are myopic, circle-jerking
whores, and C-SPAN.
C-SPAN, which brings the convention to my
den and allows me to use the
picture-in-picture ability of my TV to
a great benefit. I get a no
frills delivery of all that is going on
and in the truest sense of
having something reported, and my getting
to decide! With my Sony, I can
switch the audio between images, which
makes the little box perfect
whenever I see some talking whore trying
to look serious.
However, it is with C-SPAN (and you) that
I'm realizing just how skewed
these circle jerking whores really are!
They aren't watching the same
thing that I am, I say that because whatever
they say seems to suit them
for the moment. Not just the electronic
outlets but the print too. Its
as if every pundit has decided that they
have been wowed and amazed a
few weeks ago, and anything they see is
either predictable or irrelevant.
What a bunch of phony, duplicitous, shallow,
and hypocritical whores!
I'm glad I found C-SPAN because I see what
9 hours of coverage is all
about, not 30 minutes of highlights surrounded
by hours of moaning about
how disappointed these whores are.
Faithfully,
John Mason
Chicago
John,
C-Span is great for unfiltered news, but I like watching the
Cro-Mags
on Fox because there's nothing on C-Span to ridicule - this week.
Jimmy Page/Crowes MP3.
Got some e-mail asking for this.
Entire Song about 6 meg
Just the solo about 1.5 meg
I don't know if this was the most overtly sexual song Zeppelin
ever did.
Koresh knows Robert's horn honked more than Clinton's ever
did.
As the band went from city to city, there were willing nubiles
everywhere.
And this was before sex could kill you.
Check out these disputed lyrics from The Wanton Song
Sighing woman in the night, she came,
took the seed from my shaken frame.
Same old fire, another flame, and the wheel rolls on.
Silent woman through the flames that come,
from the deep behind the sun
See my nightmares, my lovin' gun
Left me barely holding on.
Whoa!
Drop and roll, Robert!
Somebody hose this fella down...
From: rhill@netegra.com
Subject: Down on Jesse
While he's not busy rhyming, I wonder if
you know if Jesse Jackson has
solved any lynchings in Mississippi lately,
and proven wrong two forensic
scientists' (one hired by the hanged man's
family) conclusions of suicide.
Or does the right Reverend get a pass when
it comes to grandstanding on a
family's grief and race-baiting to keep
himself in the public eye?
Roy Hill
Roy, you seem so certain.
If Jesse wasn't involved, who would be?
What if Jesse's right?
How does a pathologist prove nobody held a gun to his head
while somebody threw the rope over the tree?
That won't show up in an autopsy.
From: gsmith@hhpn.com
Subject: Liberals owning guns
Bartcop,
You wrote:
>If the Religious Reich ever gets control of the White House and
Congress,
>they will attempt to force their insanity on us sane people.
>Then there will be a Great Civil War,
>which is why every liberal should own a gun.
You are exactly right. There will be a civil
war.
If the fucking GOP win this one, I'm gonna
buy a gun Nov 8th.
I'm a peace-loving liberal, but I believe
in self-defense.
GRS
From: riderscramp@earthlink.net
Subject: Question
Did the Fair and Balanced crowd read the
republican speeches early
AND ruin them the way they did with the
First Lady??
Bill Heald
No, of course not.
"Fair and balanced" only screws with liberals.
If I was the Democrats, I'd refuse to give Fox a copy of the speeches,
and if they complain just tell them:
You are whores.
Whores can't be trusted.
From: bstanley@citicom.com
Subject: Ted Nugent
Bartcop,
I thought you might be interested in this morsel regarding Ted Nugent.
I was on the bus from Ann Arbor to Detroit
back in '70 or '71
when Ted Nugent, myself, and many others
were being shuttled
to our pre induction draft physical.
Nugent had a dead mouse stuck up his ass
hole.
The doctors lined us up, face forward,
naked, and spread eagle
for the famous hemorrhoid examination and
there it was!
During the bus ride home, Nugent bragged about bamboozling the doctors with the rodent.
You may remember several members of his
band, the Amboy Dukes were drafted,
but the able bodied Nugent got to keep
rockin and rollin because the doctors HAD to think
he was a screwy queer...Showing up for
his physical with the tail of a rodent sticking out his butt.
Now Nugent is considered to be some sort
of right wing rock icon.
He makes me want to puke.
- Bill Stanley
Ediotr's Note: Be sure and Click
Here to visit Bill's webpage,
the Boot Newt song parodiy page.
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