From: dmitch223@earthlink.net
Subject: Self-Immolator
Bartcop,
Doesn't the premise of the "Hitcher" bear
a distrubing resemblance to the incident
in Jasper, Texas when James Byrd was dragged
apart on a two-lane blacktop by
a couple of juiced up Klu Kluckers?
It just comes to mind.
David
(shudder...)
There's a chance it's the other way around.
What if those Texas killer's watched Smirk's snuff film
that day?
George Will says people commit whatever crimes they see in a
movie
or hear talked about on a rap album, so you may have a point.
Smirk, how could you?
Paula Looks for Work
Paula Jones moved back to Arkansas to be
closer to her Mom's trailer.
After a while, her mom kicked her bon-bon
eating fat ass off the couch and
told her to look for a job or go back to
earning a living at the bus station.
So Paula applied for a job as a secretary.
Her boss asked if she was dependable and
she gave an entusiactic, "Uh-Huh,"
in her little-girl, Arkansas twang with
the all-new nasal accoustics.
Her boss asked if she was always on-time
and could work late, if needed.
Paula assured him she was, and she could.
Then he asked her if she could type.
(You saw this coming from
a mile away, didn't you?)
Paula said, "I type a leettle,
but not like no expert or nothin'."
Her potential boss asked, "You're not one of those 'hunt 'n peckers,' are you?"
Paula replied, "No Sir, I done learnt my
lesson."
She didn't get the job...
From: vance_everson@yahoo.com
Subject: New advertiser for Dr. Slutinger
Maybe the good people at JohnnyWalker Scotch can help out the good Dr.
I'm sure the ad could take on a whole new meaning in the bible/divorce
belt.
vance
Great Democratic Quotes
"My friends, the Top Three reasons to vote for Al Gore are:
3. The Supreme Court
2. The Supreme Court and
1. The Supreme Court"
-- Barbara Streisand, after Demo-Con
2000 last month.
From: Tipdeb123@aol.com
Subject: New homepage
I love the new homepage!!!!
Deb T.
Deb,
From the mail I'm getting, it's the most
popular home page yet.
All praise to JennyQ1@aol.com
She's been a pillar for the longest time.
Today's Page Two Girl is married to which rock star?
. . . Harrying Hillary
By Richard Cohen2/19/00
NEW YORK -- Hillary Clinton's chief problem, her own strategists
will tell
you, is her inability to tell New Yorkers why she is running.
After her
debate with Rick Lazio last week she should no longer have that
predicament.
She's running to get away from Tim Russert and all he represents.
Russert is among the best broadcast journalists we have--a great
and
industrious reporter and, almost always, a fair questioner. So
it is a gauge
of how poisonous Washington has become that he could ask Hillary--as
her
campaign chooses to call her--if she regrets "misleading the
American
people" about her husband's infidelity.
Not since the old Saturday night fights has TV seen such a
low blow.
How did Hillary "mislead" the American people? For that, Russert
went to the
videotape and Hillary's January 1998 "Today" show interview with
Matt Lauer.
The interview occurred just six days after the Monica Lewinsky
story broke.
Hillary denied that her husband had carried on with a White House
intern and
famously attributed the scandal to "a vast right-wing conspiracy."
But at the time, Hillary did not know the truth. No one has ever
doubted her
about that and, indeed, in his new book, "The Breach," my colleague
Peter
Baker reports that Bill Clinton ultimately dispatched his lawyer,
David E.
Kendall, to tell his wife what really happened. That was Aug.
13. "Only after
Kendall laid the foundation did Clinton speak directly to his
wife," Baker writes.
As for the "vast right-wing conspiracy," there was one. With funding
from
Richard Scaife, the American Spectator set out to dig up dirt
on Clinton.
Its story about his womanizing prompted a certain "Paula" to
come forward
and denounce the magazine's reference to herself. She had never
been Bill
Clinton's girlfriend, Miss Jones said, but instead had been sexually
harassed by
him. That charge, later thrown out in court, led ultimately to
Clinton's having to
testify to his private life. He lied--but to questions irrelevant
to his job.
I have never excused Clinton either for his Oval Office shenanigans
or, more
important, for lying under oath. But his prosecution-cum-persecution
became
a pogrom by self-appointed journalistic and congressional moralists.
It
hardly mattered to them that Paula Jones's unsubstantiated charge
of boorish
behavior wound up as an inquisition in which the privacy of innocent
people,
(What crime did Lewinsky, her mother or her friends commit?)
was violated.
Clinton's behavior was scandalous, but no threat to you and me.
Not so that of his congressional and journalistic Torquemadas.
In the cause
of moral purity, they would throw the Constitution itself onto
the fire.
Russert's question provided Lazio with the perfect chance to prove
he is a
mensch, not a mouse. But instead of saying, "Hold on a minute,
Tim," he
virtually squealed his approval and got in an elbow of his own.
To her
attempt to link him to Newt Gingrich, he responded, "Mrs. Clinton,
you of
all people shouldn't try to make guilt by association." In one
sentence, he
failed both English and logic.
Hillary, too, did not distinguish herself. Instead of using Russert's
question to exhibit some real emotion, she said, "Well, you know,
Tim, that
was a very . . . painful time for me, for my family and for our
country"--as
if they were all equal to her. She was momentarily flustered,
but a moment
later she was back on message: "I didn't cast the votes that
Newt Gingrich
asked me to cast." I think you could feed her through a shredder
and she
would come out right on message.
In the end, though, Hillary was the winner. Russert and Lazio
once again
turned her into a victim. She became the first woman in world
history to be
held accountable for her husband's cheating and, worse, for
believing him.
As for Lazio, his pugnacious ways, his process-server's strut
across the stage to
demand that Hillary sign a soft-money agreement she hadn't read,
showed he is
more bully than bright. In a typical assessment, Jeanne Kreuder,
who was polled
by the Buffalo News, likened Lazio to a "used car salesman."
The polls pronounced Hillary the winner.
In the end, the question that Hillary can't answer was answered
for her by
Russert and Lazio. She is running for the Senate in New York
because she is
running away from the legions of decency in Washington, not to
mention a
husband who hurt her so badly not even a country-western song
could describe
the pain. That may not be a good reason to run for the Senate
in a state
where she never lived, but if you watched the debate, you'd understand.
She's seeking asylum.
ha ha
Have you ever been to the bartcop.com guestbook?
Looks like my Cardinals are going to make the baseball playoffs.
Uhmmm...
Does anyone want to earn $1000?
I need you to hit Greg Maddox in the knee with a lead pipe.
Half now, half after the job...
From: ChrisNoSt@aol.com
Subject: Reloading your page
Bart dude,
When i click on a link to one of your separate
pages (like the she-thing reviews),
then click the back button on the browser,
i get a late.htm that is not the one
i launched from - then i have to hit the
reload button to get the "latest"
chris
Chris,
Sounds like an X-File.
I'll bet there's a fancy html fix for that,
but anything besides "monkey type" is over my head.
Kelly Preston says,
Get a Leg Up...
Read bartcop.com every day!
Rat Talk
From: kataghaway@cs.com
Subject: The one-woman clarification service
Dear Bartcop;
Not that you asked but........
As the one-woman clarification service I am royally compensated
by no
one, but I specialize in clarifying what the Vice President said
since
the press and the RNC work so hard to distort it.
At an appearance before a Latino political group the veep was
JOKING
and said "...you know my grandson, Wyatt Gore Schiff, was
born on
the Fourth of July (ed. note --TRUTH) maybe I can arrange for
the
next one to be born on Cinco de Mayo!" Got a big
laugh!
When one of Bushie's (ed. note: yes! Pickles really does call
him that) press
followers mentioned it to him on the plane he turned to an aide
and said
"Isn't that pathetic?" --as if the veep was serious and
making some sort of campaign promise.
Always on call
Kat
I'm a bad person
I asked Peter, from Australia, to contribute this 'n that from
down there
while the Olympics were underway, and then his stuff got buried.
I have located one of his reports:
I will attempt to locate more.
Sorry, Peter.
The Yessterbunny
has sent a picture of the Weasel King who's stalking that
liar George Nethercutt of Washington state, the Republican who
PROMISED
to serve three terms, maximum, but then said "fuck it" to that
promise.
I haven't seen a newspaper in a while.
I just saw yesterday's USA Today and I noticed that
the air in Houston is still rated "UNHEALTHY."
Hey, Smirk.
Are you running on the Brown Party?
Can't you ask your buddies at Big Oil to stop pumping tons
of
pollution into the Texas air at least until you're (ha
ha) elected president?
Great Smirk on Oprah Quotes
"I got lucky in the gene pool."
Someone peed in the pool, George...
"Smart comes in many different ways."
ha ha
Can you name two?
Paul Begala Shoots the Bull
BUSH ADMITS HE MAY RUN A DEFICIT!
That could be the screaming headline this
morning. In an interview on Fox News
last night, George W. Bush said he would
accelerate his humongous tax cut in a
recession. His exact words were:
"If the economy turns south, that's a
reason to accelerate the tax cut. See, I
come from the school of thought that
during a recession, it's important to
give people more money back faster.
That may cause us to run a short-term
deficit, but the fundamental question
is how do you cause the economy to
grow.... A tax cut is really one of
the anecdotes (Yes, he really said
"anecdotes" instead of "antidotes"!)
to coming out of an economic illness."
ha ha
Anecdotes?
Editor's Note: If it's important to have tax cuts in a recession,
it follows that
tax cuts are NOT important during a boom like the one Clinton
gave us.
So, let's use that money to pay the debt.
I couldn't make this stuff up: It
turns out that Bush, who loves to lecture
the rest of us about morality, was for
ten years a member of the board of
directors of a film company that made some
80 "R" rated movies, including
'The Hitcher", which supposedly shows a
woman being cut in half by a deranged
hitchhiker.
Ediotr's Note: The woman isn't cut, she's
torn in half after being tied
to a truck and the truck drives away.
When I asked Bush spokesman Ari Fleischer
about it on last night's show, he said
(with a straight face) that as a member
of the board of directors, Bush could not be
held responsible for the films the company
made. And yet he wants Democratic
politicians to be responsible for what
their contributors in Hollywood produce.
This is just the latest example of Bush's
complete and utter lack of personal responsibility.
How he can pontificate about ushering in
"The Responsibility Era" without being struck
down by a lightning bolt is beyond me.
Finally, a quasi-personal note: Vice President
Gore's campaign has asked me to
assist Gore in preparing for the debates
by playing George W. Bush in mock
debate sessions. I'm honored and thrilled
to have been asked and am looking
forward to the challenge. I'll spend the
next several days reading briefing
books, watching tapes, studying Bush's
rhetoric and mannerisms. And then,
just before each mock debate, I'm going
to have someone hit me over the head
with a baseball bat.
ha ha
From: skisics@yahoo.com
Subject: Cathy Freeman
Bartcop,
Cathy Freeman is scheduled for the 400 heats on Friday, finals next Monday.
skisics surus
I'm there, Dude.
Thanks.
ha ha
Smirk's managed to piss off the rat vote, too.
The Collapse of the Right
Sent in by Michael at hippie58michaelg@netscape.net
It's sad when someone's faith is shattered.
From the very pro-Smirk site http://www.bsnn.net/
I was an unshaken supporter of Bush's up
until I saw that video footage of him saying
"subliminalbly" over and over. I have defended
his intelligence to those who doubt it,
but that footage is undeniable, and must
be addressed or it will erode his ability to be
elected and govern if elected, as it permeates
popular culture and solidifies as an
accurate caricature of the man.
If there is a reason for these unbelievably
inane slips of the tongue then the Bush
people need to let us know about it, instead
of acting like the problem doesn't exist.
The first step to recovery is admitting
you have a problem. If these dumbassed
verbal slips were a one time occurrence
then I wouldn't care. But they are
endemic in a campaign that now seems as
though it is trying to lose. I don't speak
Spanish, but I would be interested in knowing
if he mispronounces "subliminal" in
Spanish as well. He must let us know why
it is that at times he talks as though
English is a third language.
I suspect there is a reason because I don't
believe he is a dumbass. I think that
perhaps the Governor has a tendency to
get a little nervous from time to time in
certain situations, and I think that his
nervousness translates into verbal chaos.
ha ha
That, or his mouth is a window to his mental chaos.
If true, it's no big deal and the Bush campaign
ought to just say so. It's certainly
a better impression to leave than the one
that is left by saying nothing.
Late last week, Rush Limbaugh tried to rally
his listeners by equating the support
for a political candidate to the support
for an athletic team. So despite my fears
and anxiety, I will try to be supportive
and positive toward GW's quest, but this
is a two way street. You've got to give
me a reason to be enthusiastic, Governor.
You've got to score sometime. And you've
got to stop allowing yourself to be put
in the position of legitimately being thought
of as a dumbass.
Because if you lose this election, the blame will be squarely on your shoulders.
Sidney at http://www.bsnn.net/
Sidney, sorry to hear you're backing a loser.
I used to know how that felt, but lately,
I forget.
ha ha
The Martyr's show, as review in St Louis:
KTVI (Channel 2)
* "Dr. Laura" (noon weekdays; premiered this week).
If any publicity is good publicity, Channel 2 couldn't have
bought the hype generated by protests against "Dr." Laura
Schlessinger over anti-gay remarks and other intolerant
statements on her radio show.
Everything about Schlessinger makes my skin crawl, from her
self-righteous dismissal of other viewpoints to her
condescending lectures on morality to those cutesy faces she
makes into the camera. But, perhaps running scared, the radio
pop-shrink stuck to standard-issue topics -- teens and drugs
on Monday, infidelity on Tuesday -- in her first two TV appearances.
Oprah does this stuff much better. Rather than provoking
thought, "Dr. Laura" plays heavily to those who already agree
with her. But her worst offense, so far, is being a bore.
Does anyone know when Cathy Freeman,
the Joe Lewis of the 21st Century,
the Jesse Owens of the new millenium,
is scheduled to win her gold medal?
I don't want to miss that.
Question:
If Gore is "part and parcel" of the "most corrupt administration
in history,"
why is he leading Smirk 37-35 in the "more truthful" category?
Hmmm???
If Gore is such a cold and boring animatron,
why is he leading Smirk 44-37 on "personally likeable" category?
Usa Today, Sept 18, Page 8A
Advertisers who have fled Dr. Laura's TV show:
Sears,
Renaissance Cruises,
Kraft,
Kaiser Permanente,
Unilever (Brummel & Brown),
America's Best Eyewear,
Ontel,
Tri-City Sporting Goods (CA),
Les Vogel Dodge (CA),
Luxor Resort & Casino,
Brink's,
Conair,
GEICO,
Brentwood Volvo,
Stonestreet Capital,
Verizon,
IHOP,
Kimberly-Clark,
Starpower Internet,
Long John Silver's,
Jacoby & Meyers,
Closet World,
John Corzine for Senate (NJ),
Bally Total Fitness.
So, what does that leave her?
Dr. Laura's now-infamous homophobia has reduced her to doing business
with
such stellar advertisers such as, constipation medicines, feminine
hygiene products,
dubious-sounding financial services, order-by-phone Yanni CDs
and the winner,
a Tarot-card-by-phone scam that only gets calls from ditto-heads.
We might see
Ron Popeil pop up, and maybe the latest compilation by K-Tel.
I haven't seen the She-Thing's TV show.
From all acoounts, and I mean that literally, it's a borefest,
but I have a question:
With univerally-bad reviews, the individual stations are whining
that they're
bound contractually to run this show for two years.
I am not an attorney, but that just can't be true.
Every performer/entertainer/actor has in every contract that should
some
"moral terptitude" rear it's head, the contract becomes null
and void.
This means if Jay Leno pulls an OJ on his wife, local stations,
trust me,
have the options not to run the tonight show. If Letterman came
out in favor
of stomping puppies, local stations are off the hook.
These contracts are written with intentionally-vague language,
like the US Constitution,
so juries can decide what's "moral" if it makes it to court.
Any station that wants to drop the self-pitying martyr can do
so immediately,
and don't believe them if they claim they're stuck with her for
two years.
You give me a jury of twelve and I'll convince them the station
HAD to drop
the moralizing leg-spreader to stay in business because she's
too Hitler-ish.
No jury is going to side with Hitler and Laura.
Another Bush subliminable ad.
Excellent!
Who sent it?
In the Back Mail,
I found some good Joe Conason:
ha ha
Laura should be sending money to Linda Tripp.
If not for Linda,
Laura would be the most hated woman in America.
Mail Box Full
I'm going thru some back mail, deleting what I can.
If you sent something that bounced, please send it again.
I'm finding some interesting stuff tho, like http://www.gore-in-context.org/
I wish I could wave a magic wand and make the mail problems go
away.
It drives me crazy knowing how much I'm missing, like that e-mailer
from
France who worked for Rush might spawn a whole series of good
stories.
It drives me crazy wondering what else is buried in the pile.
I guess if I bought a mail program, instead of trying to do this
for free
it might be smoother - any suggestions?
Major Finds
Nobody in the GOP could object to this ad because,
as they told us many times about how these kinds
of ads work,
since the offending word is only there for
a second,
only a cry-baby would object to something subliminable.
Someone sent me this - and I don't know who.
It was in my "Attachment" box.
Please identify yourself, so I can give you credit/blame
:)
More Finds
From: Voltai29@geocities.com
Subject: #A Rare Editorial Comment From Volt
Saturday, September 2, 2000
As we enter the Labor Day Holiday weekend
Al Gore is expanding his lead
over the Boozing, Coke Snorting, Oil Soaked,
Frat Boy.
This race can best be summed up by the two
candidates' schedules
over this last summer holiday weekend.
Dubya will be spending his holiday weekend
on his ranch licking his
considerable wounds. Al Gore will be spending
his holiday weekend visiting
with the people as they celebrate working
hard for a prosperous America.
I will continue to keep you updated on the events leading up to Election Day and beyond.
NOTE: I have purchased a bottle of
what I consider to be the finest tequila
available, Chinaco Anejo (I blame Bart
Cop for my expensive new tastes).
I will raise a glass with you all
in victory come election night.
Thank you all for subscribing. We are a
much larger group today
than we were a year ago and getting bigger!
Volt
Ediotr's Note: Volt runs the Internet's top news service.
This was a "rare" editorial comment because he just gives the
news.
Unlike Fox, Pigboy and others, he doesn't "fix" the news.
He just grabs stories off the wire services and mails them to
you
hours or days before the slices of dead trees show up on your
porch.
Fot the best in free, instant and whore-free news,
send e-mail to voltai29@geocities.com
September 19, 2000
Houston "all choked up"
over top smog score of the year
Monday afternoon Houston recorded the highest one-hour ozone reading
in
the nation for the entire year with a measurement of 225 parts
per billion,
exceeding the federal EPA ozone standard by a full 100 ppb.
For more, visit http://www.texastruth.com/
There are so many good anti-Smirk sites.
What will they do on November 8th?
Great Presidential Quotes
Had to Get
This on the Record
When they took a torch
to me and lit a fire,
you brought the buckets
and poured the water.
Thank you! Thank you!"
President Clinton, to the Congressional Black Caucus
From: captn_television@yahoo.com
Subject: THE WHORE(R), THE HORROR!
Forcing myself to watch, I tuned into the
first week
of Dr. Laura's new TV show on the You Peein'
Network.
What I saw were the worst things imaginable
that can
happen on Television. Dryness, dullness,
contrivance,
and good ol' plain fakery.
I wondered at times looking at Dr. Laura,
if she has
some horrible disease eating away at her
or something
biologically wrong has happened and she's
become
anorexic. The woman is positively skeletal.
The first show had an unsuspecting audience
of "real"
people who when not nodding off were hostile
belligerent,
or silent. The fuse box overloaded from
too much electrical
strain from using the "Applause " sign.
The first five shows included the topics,
drugs,
Internet affairs, working parents, ethical
challenges,
and Internet porn in "lewd libraries."
No mention was
made in this subject of her own porn on
the Internet.
During the opening of the show on moral
challenges,
the doc ran a clip of the unabomber's brother
David
turning him in. I thought, "okay we'll
get to hear
from David about his angst doing this."
Wrong letter
bomb breath! Instead we hear from a mom
who turned her
son in for robbery. Ha! Would the doc have
turned her
precious little one in so he could spend
time with the
punks in LA County? She says, "I would
do that in a
blink, and anybody who know me knows, I
MEAN THAT!
Sure you would mommy dearest. Too bad you
couldn't
turn yourself in for lewd Internet porn.
It's always
easier to rat(s) someone else out.
The doc comes across as cold, rigid and
didactic. Mrs.
Mom tries the phony batting her eyelids,
pretending to
be charming and using the "friendly voice."
I had to
take a shower after all that BS.
In the high "screeching voice" she bitches
on and on,
she's so right, and you're not, her God
is better than
your God, it's repulsive. After the show
she shakes
hands with the audience, many who plainly
look like
they have spotted dog doo on their hands
afterward. I
did notice she will hug and kiss many of
the younger,
dark men. Dr. Freud, what do you have to
say about
that? "Hmmmm."
Here is a Captn Television prediction. As
the ratings
go down, the gay bashing and hate rhetoric
will go up.
This show will soon follow the Rush Limbaugh
television show into the cesspool of TVland
oblivion.
Mail Seen at the stopdrlaura.com site
"Society needs to stop being apathetic
to fags and queers.
We support Dr. Laura in her effort
to enlighten listeners everywhere.
If only she would talk about the detrimental
effects niggers have on this earth,
I would probably have a poster of her
on my wall!"
- Jason in
Columbus, Ohio
Isn't Laura wonderful?
Making a million dollars a month throwing
gasoline on the fires of bigotry?
Paramount must be so proud of her.
Also, went sent another
Review by Rick
Kushman
From: Hades976@aol.com
Subject: No, he isnt a homophobe
Bartcop-
Found this. Sounds like ol' Tolerant limbaugh
mocking the gay community by
pulling some bullshit story about gays.
I have no idea when this was, im only guessing
it was back in his "make fun
of nigger and faggot" days in Sacramento
Hades976
Click Here to download the MP3 - 1.3 meg
Click Here to hear it as a ram file - 2.4 meg
I was surprised that this shocked me.
It's not only the "aren't gays loveable?"
hate-sarcasm he's using,
but he's bursting with the pure enjoyment
of bringing the news to you.
After some gay-hate, he plays the "gay theme
song," ...but he lets it play.
He doesn't let it play long enough to set
the gay mood,
.....he let's it go on and on.
He's listening to Klaus sing, "You've been
a bad boy," and all the while,
knowing he has (back then) thousands of
gays haters cheering him on,
and apparently very willing to "slip into"
the gay world for a short visit,
he's relaxing, listening to the music,
letting his mind float...
My question is, while he's alone, and in
the dark, what's Rush's right hand doing?
He seems to be getting off on the ultra-gay
German barking orders to him
while telling his Bay-area listeners how
destructive "those people," are.
Does he protest too much?
He's never sounded uglier.
He's never sounded happier.
Everybody Hates a Harpy (w/Update)
This is nearly as much fun as watching Smirk
bite it.
Check out the plethora of horrible, horrible
reviews
on the LA She-Thing's horrid excuse for
a talk show.
Review by Robert Bianco (update)
Sidebar:
Matt Roush (who is gay) should
review Harp's show, too.
Matt punches like fucking
Hagler.
When I said Tom Shales was
#1, that's the generally accepted opinion.
But for my money, Roush is
King.
I can't wait.
Each one more scathing, searing and scalding
than the last.
Not all of these people has Tom Shales's
talent, but that's OK.
Have you ever seen a more universally-hated,
self-important ho?
If you find a review of Laura the Martyr's
TV show, please send it.
Except for reviews by Michael Medved, Fox
News etc.
They wrote their glowing reviews before
she stepped in front of a camera.
Special thanks to Allan at
worrf@hotmail.com
for sending the batch o'
bad reviews.
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