Fastest Woman in the World (by far) Does it Again
You see those seven figures chasing that
first one?
Those are the fastest women on the planet,
chasingMarion
Jones.
Why are they so far behind her?
And if Marion Jones is that much faster
than any other woman,
and did not set a world's record,
what does that mean?
Are today's runners slower than yesterdays?
That hardly seems possible, with better
training, better medicine, better diet
and a computerized exercise regimen that
ptomotes maximum performance.
What's up with that?
My girl Cathy Freeman was in that
race, and lost to the champ.
She was a good sport about it, too.
It's tons o' fun watching Marion move thru space.
I hope she makes money from this.
They say she's so fast,
when she turns the light switch off at
night,
she's in bed before the room gets dark.
USA!
USA!
USA!
Martin Sheen in New Anti - Bush Ad
WASHINGTON (AP) -- In a new TV ad, a pretend
president weighs into a real-live campaign.
And like his character, Martin Sheen is
siding with the Democrats.
Handgun Control Inc. is spending about a
half million dollars to air a new campaign commercial
featuring Sheen talking about Republican
George W. Bush's record on gun control.
"Should the next president be the candidate
of the gun lobby?'' Sheen asks, speaking
to the camera with an American flag filling
the background. ``Should he have signed a bill
that allows hidden handguns in churches,
hospitals and amusement parks?''
"That's Governor Bush's record,''
says Sheen, who plays President Bartlett
on NBC's 'The West Wing,' (season premier
Wednesday)
Handgun Control approached Sheen about taping
the ad after his brother, Joe Estevez,
did a voiceover for a gun industry commercial.
The brothers have similar voices, and Sheen
accused the industry of trying to deceive
viewers into thinking it was him.
Remember that commercial than ran every half-hour during Nazi-Con
2000?
From Volume 236
- Missed Opportunities
Horseshit!
Here's some gun-nut commercial, where
this prick is ripping apart
Old Glory because he can't buy 1,000
unregistered Mac-10's.
CNN aired that commercial, the whores.
They have the reputation of being Clinton's
Network but in truth,
they're just whores running screw-the-flag
commercials for money.
Each time that commercial came on, I thought, "That sounds like
Martin Sheen."
Looks like his brother is a dishonest ditto-monkey who agreed
to mislead people
into thinking Sheen was really a Second Amendment nut.
Thank you for doing that commercial, Martin.
And good luck surviving that shooting Wednesday night.
RU-486
I am so naive.
During Gore's convention speech, I kept urging him to use the
"big hammer," which is,
"If you women want to reatin control of your bodies, you better
get involved."
Looking back, there was no need for Gore to hardly mention freedom
of choice
because he knew Clinton and the FDA were going to put RU-486
on the front page
of every paper in the country and make it a major campaign issue.
As always, Smirk is screwed.
If comes out heavy against 486, he'll lose whatever female vote
he's getting.
If he has no opinion or, Koresh forbid, he thinks women can make
decisions concerning
their uterus without any heavy-handed intervention from the federal
government.
Smirk and Rush and the others CLAIM they want the people to be
free,
but this is just another example of them lying about that.
The second-last thing Smirk wants right now is an abortion debate.
The last thing he needs is a photo of his cocaine mug shot to
surface.
Rush is right about one thing, tho.
To some degree, Clinton is running Gore's campaign,
another reason why he has no chance of losing.
Anna Nicole Smith
Everybody knows she made a deal with the old, rich guy.
He lived the last years of his life in her bosom and she deserves
some money.
That California judge awarded her $450,000,000 that the family
says she'll never see,
so why not pay her three percent of that, $13,000,000 and she
will have earned about
1 million-plus a year baby-sitting for the old dude.
He apparently didn't think enough of her to protect her,
and she was an idiot not to have anything in writing,
so pay the girl and everybody goes on with their lives.
Today's Page Two Girl is C. T. Smith
Laura Caught Like a Rat!
Laura's hiring 'Ringers' because the
audience hates her Nazi ass.
As if Dr. Laura doesn't have enough problems,
here comes another scandal:
a report of paid ringers in her audience.
It's a matter of record that Laura's TV
show has been plagued by difficulties.
First came the protests from gay and lesbian
groups, then poor ratings right out
of the box, followed by sponsors leaving
in droves.
Now comes a charge that Schlessinger's
producers have been hiring actors to
sit in the audience and ask the right
questions at the right time.
One of those alleged ringers, Kenny DeFinis,
says he "worked" five "Dr. Laura" tapings
during the show's first three weeks of
production. (The show began taping in July.)
Jeff Norman, a columnist for Z.com, was
in the audience during one of the days that
DeFinis was there and spoke with him.
In the interview, DeFinis estimated that 80% of
Schlessinger's audience members were paid
to be there, and that up to 40% of them
were actors like himself.
I don't want to sound like a Nazi Pigboy,
but didn't we have this story a month ago?
I remember an e-mail that said they had
to film her show in secret, because they were
afraid gays might make a fuss. And it
follows that if you're taping in secret, you'd need
to hire people because you couldn't tell
anyone where the show was.
Poor lying Laura.
When they dump her, she'll say she was
"too busy" to do both TV and radio.
Now here's something you'll really like:
Paul Begala Shoots the Bull
The people running the Bush campaign are friends of mine.
They are decent and talented people, and skilled professionals.
But at the end of the day every campaign takes on the characteristics
of the candidate.
And this campaign is panicking under pressure because the candidate
can't take the heat.
W has never had a hard day in his life -- he went to the finest
schools despite the fact
that he was a sorry student; he got rich despite the fact that
he was an utter failure
as a businessman; he became governor despite the fact that he
can't string two
coherent sentences together. So no wonder he thinks life
is a cakewalk.
But running for President is not a cakewalk, and every time Bush
has been
under pressure thus far in this campaign, he's done something
stupid or slimy.
When Gore and Smirk debate, should Gore insist
Smirk not have any listening
devices in his ear?
I have no doubt Smirk could pass for partially-intelligent if
he has someone feeding him answers thru his "hearing aid."
His receivers look like this:
Smirk!
No Cheating!
The Exorcist
These days, it's getting harder and harder to tell who's kidding
and who's merely a nut in need of psychiatric help.
Sent in by the Last Liberal
At the Hangin'
With Fred page, you can read Smirk's acceptance speeech
from Nazi-Con 2000 with Fred
correcting Smirk's many mistakes.
I wished I'd found this earlier.
Rush just said if you subscribe to his re-tread, re-hash of a
newsletter,
and memorize his article called, "How to win an argument with
a liberal every time,"
you'll never lose another debate with a liberal.
Could one of you ditto-monkeys memorize that article, then trap me?
ha ha
I'm really looking forward to that...
PS. If you BUY the subscription right away, he'll send
you a FREE bumper sticker that says,
"Algore is a risky scheme."
Could life be any better for a ditto-monkey?
How proud you'll be with a bumber-sticker that tells everyone
that Rush the vulgar Pigboy does your thinking for you.
Question for you code-writers:
I found these lines buried deep in "The Latest."
They were taking up about 25K of space.
Can anybody tell me what they are?
an=navigator.appName;d=document;function
pr(){d.write("<img src="\"http://u0.extreme-dm.com",
"/0.gif?tag=bartcop1&j=y&srw="+srw+"&srb="+srb+"&",
"rs="+r+"&l="+escape(d.referrer)+"\" height=1 ",
"width=1>");}srb="na";srw="na";//-->
</script>
<script language="javascript1.2"><!--
s=screen;srw=s.width;an!="Netscape"?
srb=s.colorDepth:srb=s.pixelDepth;//-->
</script>
<script language="javascript"><!--
r=41;d.images?r=d.im.width:z=0;pr();//-->
There was vast amounts of space between each line,
turning a 52K issue into a 77K issue. Any ideas?
I must be vigilant about sabotage
Powerful forces want the truth suppressed!
The New TV Season
As soon as the Olympics is over (Sunday) we have all-new TV everywhere!
By the way, I predict the Closing Ceremony will
be hueueueuege.
Let's take a look at the shows we haven't seen and decide what
we like:
Monday
ABC
Can't beat Dennis Miller on Monday Night Football.
The worse the game is, the bigger canvas Miller has.
Must See TV.
CBS
King of Queens, Love Raymond and Becker.
Gag me.
They say Romano's good, but I'm bearish on him since his White
House flub.
Yes Dear
This is my pick for "Worst show on the Big Three."
The description of the pilot of this show is so stomach-churning,
the CDC recommends reading it if you accidentally swallow rat
poison.
Family Law.
Don't laugh. When Tony Danza did The Practice, he was
damn good.
I didn't think he could act, but I bought his slimeball-lawyer
performance all day.
I won't watch it, but it might be a good show.
NBC
Daddio,
Brought to us by the braintrusts behind Shabbily Susan
and Veronica's Mistake.
Na Ga Da
Besides, any show that sings its promos doesn't want viewers.
Tucker,
They say it's Malcolm in the Middle without the laughs.
Deadline,
BINGO! Oliver Platt can do comedy, drama, anything he
wants.
He's a crime-solving, crusading reporter, the rarest of breeds,
a non-whore.
Also stars Judas Maximus's girlfriend Lilith.
This is Must See TV.
FOX
Boston Public,
You can't bet against David E. Kelley on anything.
Plus they have Fyvysh Finkle back.
Must See TV
UPN
Girlfriends
This one is being billed as Sex in the City, without the
sex.
Do you get the feeling all the studio heads have their wife's
brother
picking which shows to green light and which ones to dump?
I think Chippy the Chimp could bat at least .500,
Can any network boast that good of an average?
Tuesday
ABC
The Geena Davis Show,
No letters - please!
Geena Davis is a 1 on the babe scale,
a 1 on the comedy scale,
a 1 on the acting scale and she gets
a 1 for "Worst promos in all of TV history."
Trust me, the first season of The BartCop Comedy Show
will be so much better
than this Geena Davis disaster. This might stay on the air, tho,
because it follows
the popular-but-laughless Dharma and Greg.
NBC
The Michael Richards Show.
I like Kramer just fine, but this dog won't hunt.
Maybe you heard, the first version was so bad they fired everybody
and hired
new relatives and a new boss and new neighbors in an attempt
to make this work.
What did they do wrong?
They should've had "Kramer" inherit a detective agency. Instead,
he's going to
pretend he's NOT Kramer, and we'll all know he is, and this show
will suck.
Not as bad as the Geena Davis Show, but it'll suck.
DAG,
This is David Allen Grier's new show - get it?
I like DAG, but he has Delta Burke as a co-star.
Koresh help me, I get the feeling DAG will be playing Steppinfetchit
on this show
and that's not good. Let's all hope I'm completely wrong about
that.
FOX
Dark Angel, Requires a visual.
Meet Jessica Alba.
She might not be the sexiest girl in the world, but she's the
sexiest girl in the world
who's starring in a new science-fiction thriller by James
Cameron, who brought us
The Terminator, Aliens, Titanic, The Abyss, etc etc etc
BartCop's vote?
Must See TV
This has a moody, Batman One feel about it.
Cameron knows what he's doing, the babe factor proves that.
Insiders say, "It's no bullshit. This is one cool-ass show."
Wednesday
ABC
Gideon's Crossing,
Must See TV, Instant Hit, Breakout show.
Andre Brougher is probably the best actor on television,
and one of the best actors woirking today, period.
The doctor thing should work all day long. I don't see how it
can miss,
except that it's up against the fabulous Angie Harmon on Law
& Order.
May sell a lot of VCRs.
Bette,
Bette Midler, the Hillary-hating, Giuliani contributor won't
be seen at BartCop Manor.
Don't get me wrong - if it was good, I'd watch it, but
it'll suck
Welcome to New York,
This one has Christine Baranski, everybody's most favorite drunk
since the Arthur movies
of the Reagan-binge 80's, but I don't think there's a future
for this show.
Both Bette and Welcome are up against Millionaire
and Titans, which we'll get to in a minute.
Spin City
This show is kinda new this year. I don't know how the chemistry
will be between
Charlie Sheen and Heather Locklear, but their promos have been
spectacular.
Charlie Sheen, unable to get the promo right because he's too
busy trying to tell
the audience about his cocaine and hooker days,
was a stroke of genius.
As bad as the promos for Geena Davis were,
that's how good the promos for Spin City have been.
NBC
Law & Order,
This year they have a new boss. Adam Schiff left to run for Congress
against Jim Rogan,
the cock-grabbing House manager prick. Taking his place is Diane
Weist, who everybody
knows but can't say from where. Did you know Law & Order
was
renewed for FIVE years?
That's a TV first.
Angie Harmon has a fine supporting cast, too.
Lenny is The Man!
Titans,
This necrotic canker sore is so bad, they're selling it as trash.
Aaron Spelling tried to
re-create Dallas and Dynasty but it turned so horribly sour,
they're billing it as, "Shit you'll like."
I am not kidding.
This one stars Yasmeen Bleeth, as the masturbatory direct object.
...but it gets waaaay worse than that.
In the first show, her lover, the son of Mr. Big who's played
by Perry King,
comes home to discover she's marrying his Daddy instead,
so his lover is now his mother, ...and Joe Lieberman is
right.
This is sick.
But, men will watch flies lay eggs if it's on Yasmeen Bleeth,
so expect a hit.
Add to that, former (say it with me - "former")
Babe-of-the-Decade Victoria Principal,
...is also in this infected stinker. Spelling thinks if he adds
Principal to his new "90210,"
that somehow elevates it to the glamour heyday in the 80's. Trouble
is, it's not the 80's,
it's twenty years after, and one look at Victoria's face
proves
that.
West Wing, not a new show, but how 'bout that TWO-HOUR
opener Wednesday?
Promos show Otter all nervous about something, but I doubt the
Prez was hit.
I say the lady SS agent, for sure, and maybe a Toby or
a Josh, not a Charlie or a Sam.
The second-best show on TV will be back in less than a week.
FOX
Normal Ohio,
Stock in this show should sell for six cents a share.
I like John Goodman and I support gays rights,
but I don't support John Goodman
as a gay man trying to make me laugh. Maybe I'm wrong, and that'd
be a nice surprise.
You just know during sweeps he's going to want to kiss a man,
which will
start a whoooole 'nother Murphy Brown "crisis," and I'm
just not up for it.
The Street,
This show has credibility, they say, because it guest
stars Jenny Garth.
...like she had somewhere else to be...
UPN
Star Trek - Voyager,
While not a new show, it's a good show in it's final season.
Wouldn't it be nice if they rewarded the loyal fans who stuck
with them
a plotline where Voyager gets back to Earth and their loved ones
on the last show?
Quality-wise, it was ST-TNG, then Classic, the
Voyager,
then Deep Space.
Koresh - give them lucky stars to guide their ship at night,
and, at least once,
they should let Janeway have an orgasm that's not Holodeck-generated.
Thursday
ABC
Whose Line is it?
This old show gets older every week. Can't stand English
humor. So what to they do?
Expand it to an hour. Koresh, I'd rather see another episode
of Regis.
This show is as funny as crib death, and when someone
complains and says,
this show is worse than Saved by the Bell," they reply,
"Hey! We don't have a script!
How can you expect us to be funny when we don't even have a
script?"
CBS
City of Angels,
This show could go either way. Bochco is the boss, so it'll
be top quality.
Stars my good friend Kyle Secor, from Homicide.
(I need to finish my DC story.)
But it's up against Millionaire and Will You Shoot
Me.
Tough spot.
NBC
Cursed, a needs-to-be-flushed-latrine show starring Chris
Eliot, recycled Caroline in the City
alums and the always perfect Wings boy himself, Steven Weber.
Just like NBC to give this
train wreck the killer time slot between Friends and Will
You Shoot Me.
If the BartCop Comedy Show was on between Friends
and Will You Shoot Me,
it would be in the top ten, but nooooooooooooooooo.
NBC gathers four certified sitcom-losers to burn the bridge between
two good shows.
WB
Gilmore Girls, This is about a 32 year-old mother and
her 16 year-old daughter.
The daughter is the smarter, more mature of the two. Sounds great,
right?
(cough)
All they need now is Vicki Lawrence to play the grandmother.
(gag)
Friday
ABC
The Trouble with Normal,
The only way this show could look any worse was if it starred
Judd Nelson.
It's about four weirdos who can't made a move without their shrink,
starring Jon Cryer
and others who must have pictures of the studio bosses with hookers
or donkeys.
Madigan Men, I dunno, don't have a good feeling about
it.
It's looks sorta OK, but Gabriel Byrne as funnyboy?
Nothing is dog-eat-dog like TV.
Can it survive? I predict an early exit.
CBS
The Fugitive,
Sorry, been there, done that - twice.
Tim Daly searching for the one-armed man who killed his wife?
(Isn't he the guy who played Koresh in the 1993 movie?)
Use the Internet, Tim.
That, or team up with OJ.
(Hey, there's an idea. The O.J.
Simpson Show!)
To make things worse, it co-stars Mykelti Williamson - and I
don't eat shrimp.
C.S.I.
Yes! This is a forensic whodunnit set in Las Vegas.
Starring William Petersen and Marg Helgenberger, both of whom
can act, this show
will show the crime in flashbacks changing each time they
find another clue.
Sounds too intelligent for TV, but I have high hopes for it.
Every TV season should have at least one show set in Las Vegas,
but they'll
screw this up if they spend the whole hour in the lab. They need
to be in the
casinos and chasing hookers and hit men to make this show work.
FOX
Freakylinks, This is a show about a guy with a web page
who debunks urban legends,
done by the creators of the X-Files and Blair Witch
Project. Trouble is, when Fox saw
the show, they told the creators it was "too scary" and told
them to "fix it," and make it
more mainstream. The producers said "fuck that" and abandone
the project, so now
FOX has turned their art into a McCheeseburger. You gotta love
the suits at FOX.
NBC
Law & Order SUV
Munch has a new partner, Ice-T.
I like Ice-T, or maybe it's Ice Cube that I like,
but either way that show needs some color.
UPN
Freedom is Red Dawn, 2000. I don't know about you,
but I thought Red Dawn was
the funniest movie of the 1980's. Any script that has the Russians
teamed up with Mexico
to push their way past the state of Texas to meet the Ruskies
in Colorado needs to be
reminded that there are 80,000,000 guns in the State of Smirk.
If Freedom makes the same mistake, it may be worth watching
really drunk.
Grosse Point, I saw the premier and it sucked bad. This
is a parody show about 90210.
Just like with Freakylinks, they say this was a killer
show, but WB made the producers
take out all the funny parts because Aaron Spelling promised
to throw a fit.
The only fun thing was watching the snarling bitch play Shannen
Doherty's part.
Level 9, is another show where the compu-geeks fight crime.
I've seen lots of movies and
TV shows about the www, but it just doesn't transfer well. It's
no fun watching a guy look
at his monitor on the TV screen, but UPN is desperate for something
- anything.
Hey, UPN!
Why not look on the real Internet for some, ...Oh, I dunno,
...say some political comedyboy
and give him a half million to see if he can do a show better
than the hopeless swill you guys
are churning out every six weeks. I'm not saying it would be
any better, but I can damn sure
guarantee it won't be any worse than the crap you're losing
millions on now.
Make me a tequila-drinking crime boss (with a heart of gold )
in Vegas who runs an exclusive
call-girl operation staffed with former playmates and I'll give
you a show that'll make people say,
"Survivor who?"
WB
Sabrina, the Teenage Witch
The good news?
This time around, Sabrina is all grown up.
The bad news?
Her mother produces the show.
"On my daughter's show, they'll be no drugs and no sex."
So it'll suck, Mom.
Popular
You see these two girls?
One of them is pissed as hell that the other girl is so much
better-looking.
If you have a clue, let me know.
Saturday
ABC
The District, starring Craig T. Nelson.
Nelson may have played a goof as "Coach," but I've seen his real
work
and I'll bet this police drama will be a good one.
Nelson is the Chief of Police in DC (The District, get
it?)
CBS
That's Life,
Dunno, doesn't look promising.
Stars Heather Paige Kent and Debi Mazar.
Will it make it 13 weeks?
By the way, since we already have a Fran Drescher in show business,
how did Debi Mazar break in?
Is there room on TV for two women who need adenoidectomies?
Sunday
FOX
We have a new X-Files this year, ...sniff.
Terminator II morphs his way into Mulder's spot.
This time, Scully is the believer and Termie is more grounded
than the Concorde.
Duchovny's in only half the shows, but who knows?
Maybe it'll work...
I mean, M.A.S.H. survived losing McLean Stevenson, right?
(cough)
NBC
Ed
Very few new shows on Sunday, and only one worth mentioning.
Seems like NBC is putting half their promo eggs in the Ed
basket.
It's from David Letterman's company, and Dave helped write the
pilot.
They swear this is a good show, but they didn't Swear
to Koresh.
Those who've seen it say it's another Northern Exposure.
There were two great reasons to watch Northern Exposure.
Let's hope Ed is half as good as NoEx in their prime.
Maybe mid-season we'll check the predictions and see if I got
close.
As long as Genna Davis and Bette get cancelled,
I'll claim victory.
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