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Volume 283 - Tiny Tim's Obsession

October 1, 2000

Great Show Biz Quotes

"I've checked every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse,
henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in this area and I can't find a single
goddamn reason to vote for that idiot Smirk, so I'm voting Gore."
-- Tommy Lee Jones

Outrage in St Louis

St Louis Metro Police claim they didn't log a single call concerning the mass beating
a group of tourists from San Diego received at the hands of a group of mostly-black
men led by a tall, bearded white man in the Trans World Dome.

Making their claim even more incredible was the fact that the beating was witnessed
by tens of thousands of St Louisans and a regional television broadcast.

Seriously, can you believe those Rams?
They're averaging 44 points a game.

This isn't Nebraska playing Southern Arkansas State college, either.
These are professional teams that, on paper, are capable of beating any opponent
on what they like to pretend is, "any given Sunday."

Once again, we have to blame/credit the Catholics.
The Rams have not lost a game in St Louis since the Pope came
to kiss the ring of baseball home run king Mark McGwire last year.

Do I think the Rams will lose a game this year?
Probably.

Would I want to be the team that plays them the next week?

ha ha

St Louis has the Super Bowl Champions, with every indication they'll repeat,
and the Cardinals start their playoff games this Tuesday, which I can't watch
because there's a Smirk-dismantling happening on another channel.

By the way, nobody has come forward to take me up on my offer to break
a pipe over the knee of Atlanta's Greg Maddux, so I am increasing the offer
to a whopping $5,000 for anyone who's interested in some quick, easy cash.

On another front, if anyone out there is very sick with something contagious,
you could earn a quick $1,000 by licking the doorknobs of Tom Glavine,
and you gals could win $500 plus court costs if you file a paternity suit
demanding millions from confessed-scumbag Chipper Jones.

These offers aren't going to be around forever.
Succesful takers will earn a ride in my new Acura NSX if Smirk somehow wins

or an honorable mention on bartcop.com if Smirk implodes, as expected.

* Offer not good in Utah, Massabama or Carolina.

Brit Hume re-writes Fox schedule

On the Fox Sunday show, (Does it have a name?) Bill Dailey taunted that moron
Brit Hume into saying Fox was going to cover Tuesday's debate "live and in it's entirety."

But,

but,

but my TV Guide says "Dark Angel" has it's premier at that exact time on Fox.
James Cameron and the Fox Entertainment division didn't put a year's work and
several million dollars into this season-launching, two-hour world premier just to have
some blow-dried handjob from the News division piss it all away.

Do I read my Eucalyptus leaves correctly?
Is Rupert going to sacrifice millions for a thin slice of Brit Hume's credibility?

Who's going to win?
Who's going to eat it?
Will Fox sabotage the premier of their (possibly) only new hit for Hume's integrity?

ha ha

Once again, the brain-dead GOP spends the day chasing its tail
because some Democrat put the snare around his balls and yanked.

"Gentlemen? S'cuse me,
...I'm looking for the Bush-Cheney plane?"

Great Republican Quotes

If you just had a really good meal and someone asks
if you want to change chefs for the next meal,
you're probably going to say "No."

Alan Keyes, explaining why Smirk has no chance.

This Just In...

The F.B.I isn't saying who the guilty person is in "Tapegate,"
but they have hinted that his initials are "K.R."

Great Republican Quotes

"Mrs Clinton was invited to come on Meet the Whore today, but declined."

Gee, Tim, I wonder why that is?
You think maybe she's tired of your one-trick, cock-addict questions?

Remember what the New York Whore Times said about you?

"During the media's 'All Monica - All The Time' coverage,
Meet the Press continually wallowed in the sex scandal.

Wow! "Wallowing in the sex scandal."

That's you, Tim.
Tim Russert, Catholic, wallowing in the sex scandal.
Is it any wonder Mrs. Clinton, a serious candidate for the Senate,
doesn't want to appear on your little, cock-addict porno show?

That makes you, Timmy, the #1 cock-addict in all of the media.

How's that feel, Tim?
How does it feel to be the premier cock-addict in the whole whore media?

No wonder she won't come on to speak with you, Cock-addict.
She's tired of your constant cock-ambush tactics.
She's tired of your obsession with her husband's cock, Tim.

Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,

Most of America is tired of Clinton's cock, but you keep grabbing for it.
If she came on your show today, no doubt you would ambush her with that
same old tired tape we've all seen on your show 1,000 times where Clinton says,
"I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

We've all seen that same clip again and again, but you want to wallow in it. Tim.
I think all of America has a question, Tim.

Why?

Why can't you get a new hobby, Tim?
Why can't you let go of Clinton's cock?
Don't you have one of your own, Tim?
I've heard of penis-envy before, but never to this degree.
Have you talked to your family doctor about your Clinton-cock addiction?

I don't think it's normal for a Catholic man, married with children,
to remain so fixated on the genitals of the President of the United States.
Is there anything in your past that would explain your single-minded focus
on wanting to possess the reproductive organ of our nation's leader?

Did those priests do something to you, Tim?
Were you "tampered with" as an altar boy?
Did you become some crazy priest's "Backstreet boy?"

Is it not really your fault?
Is this your cry for help?
Is there something you want to confess?
Is that the problem?
You can't talk to your priest about your sexual problem,
so you talk to millions of viewers about it every Sunday?

Or is it just a matter of money?
Are you looking for a new gig at Fox Whore News?
Are they going to pay you an extra $100 a year, Tim?

Ninety-five percent of the country has moved on,
but noooooooooooooooooooooo, not Tim the Whore.
You're so certain that there's gold to be mined from Clinton's cock.
Nobody but the gang of Fox News whores and Pigboy agree with you, Tim.

And why is NBC bank-rolling your Great Cock Crusade, Tim?

No wonder Gore refused to allow you to moderate the presidential debates.
He didn't want these debates pulled into the gutter by your porno-politics.
Your addiction to Clinton's-cock should be a personal matter, Timmy,
yet you put the spotlight on it every goddamn week.

You really, really need something other than the president's cock
to occupy your mind when it wanders, Timmy.
Tell me, Tim, when you fantasize about Clinton's cock, where are your hands?
Aren't you disrespecting God when you do that to yourself?

By the way, aren't you married, Tim?
Does Mrs Russert not mind sharing you with Clinton's cock?
Now that your life is consumed with your Clinton's-cock addiction,
has it made your marriage stronger or weaker, Tim?
When you reach orgasm with your wife, do you scream, "Gotcha?"

Will it ever end, Tim?
Do you think your Clinton's cock-addiction has spun out of control?

Is there a 12-Step program for people addicted to Clinton's cock?
If there is, you could probably get a ride to the meetings with Rush or
Barbara Olson, Ann Coulter, Hardon Kenneth Starr, Sean Hannity or maybe
that shameless Schlessinger slut. It should be easy in Washington, Tim.

Think of your kids, Tim.
Every day, they're getting teased at school,
"You daddy's addicted to Clinton's cock," every day, Tim.
Do they get beat up a lot, Tim?

Why not do your wife a favor,
why not do your kids a favor.
why not do yourself a favor,
why not do NBC a favor,
why not do the nation a favor and ...just ...let ...it ...go, Tim.

You can do it.
Just let it go.

For your wife, your kids, your network and your country.

...just let it go.

In Redwood City, Smirk pointed his microphone at the balcony
so he could get a better look at the lady in the blue dress.

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