Hello Bartcop,

Bartcop is informative, funny, and always honest. I love this site! It is
the best way to start each day and a great form of therapy, especially
during these difficult times. I read it every day. Bartcop always makes
me laugh, so I thought I'd send you my most recent political comedy
routine and see if I can return the chuckles. I'm a stand-up comic from
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. It starts off fluffy--but then I
get into the Usurper. Hope you like it.

Did you watch the Olympics? At first I thought it was just a really long
McDonald's commercial, but then I got into it. The hockey was great,
but for me, it's the curling. It's like porn to me. It always sounds like a
great idea, but when you get down to watching it-- you end up
fast-forwarding so you can watch everyone get their rocks off!

Come on, I only get to use that lame joke every four years.

I'm so out of shape. I can't even lose my Christmas fat! What did you
get for Christmas? I got fat! The only exercise I get these days is sex,
and I'm getting too lazy for that. I'm trying to get my girlfriend into S + M,
so she'll tie me up and I can just sort of hang there? Unconditional Love,
<rubs big belly> yeah, we'll see about that...

What else is happening? Oh, yeah, there's a war on. Are you keeping up
with the war? Who has the time? I've got movies to see: Black Hawk Down,
Hart's War, No Man's Land, We Were Soldiers, Apocalypse Now ?Redux.
My new  motto is: "LEAVE NO WAR MOVIE BEHIND!"

Here in British Columbia, Canada our economy is in a bit of a slump. And if all
it takes to jump-start your economy is a war, then, by this mentality, I say we
go after our weakest link. Look out North West Territories. Here we come!
We'll just make up some reason. We'll either allow  something horrific to happen
or just stage a disaster... You know how it works... Then we can go in there screaming:
"We must liberate the caribou!"   The people will eat it up.

It's hard to stay interested in the war on terror. It's like survivor--we all watched the
1st one-you know, the Gulf War, but this one? I just can't get behind it anymore.
Besides, just like Survivor, when this war ends-they'll just start up another one somewhere else.

And like Survivor, I enjoy getting to know the characters, but the storyline is getting pretty tired.
Bomb those rocks into pebbles and set up a puppet regime. We all know it's just a big money
grab for the Baby Chimp and his papa's oil buddies. In fact, I think they should just come right out
and let the corporations sponsor the war. "This bomb brought to you by "Shout."
You want them out! <Boom> SHOUT them out!

You know what would get me interested in the war again-- those Bin Laden updates.
Remember those? Bin Laden on the run--Bin Laden surrounded--Bin Laden... fat?
Oh, no, Bin Laden escaped! I'm waiting for that lost tape to show up. It'll show Bin Laden
in Euro Disney. He'll be laughing his head off--sitting on a roller coaster next to Saddam Hussein.
<Screaming> Hahahaha. "Who's the biggest boogeyman now!" Saddam will be all pouty!
"I'll be back, you'll see?"

War of Drugs! War on Terror! How about a war on fundamentalism! I don't know
who I should be more afraid of, Bin Laden and his wackos, or Bush and his
favorite Asscrack. Bush's America: no sex, no drugs-- all anthrax--all the time!

China's a dictatorship, we've got ex-KGB running Russia and we've got ex-CIA
running the USA (cause we all know the chimp isn't making the decisions).
Eurasia, Eastasia, and Oceania with the Middle East as the war zone.
All war, all the time. Orwell was right, he just got the date wrong.
China is our friend--China has always been our friend...

And the anit-drug commercials. Have you seen these? "If you do drugs, you're
supporting terrorism." Well, duck and cover people of British Columbia,
because if this is true, BC'ers are the largest terrorist supporters in the
world! If you do drugs you're supporting terrorism? What if I only buy
my drugs from the CIA? What about all the SUV driving soccer moms?
What about the gas guzzling military industrial complex itself? Here's an idea--
stop buying their oil. Oh, yeah that would be bad for daddy's business.
I say we all go down to the US border-smoke a big fatty and blow the
smoke SOUTH-maybe it'll help mellow them out.

An anti-drug commercial that would work on me would simply show George
W. Bush trying to deliver a speech. He'd be screwing it up, left, right, and center.
Then we would see the following captions scroll across the screen:
<Here's Bush. Bush used Cocaine. Bush is an idiot. Don't do drugs!>
No one would touch the stuff...

They can't catch Bin Laden, they can't catch their buddy, the Anthrax killer,
these guys couldn't catch a cold! I think it's because they're looking in all the
wrong places. They're looking in all the caves (that they created)--Hhmmm,
I wonder where those nasty terrorists could be? I wonder who could support
such a thing? Who could be sending out all this Anthrax?
LOOK IN THE MIRROR, BOYS! <They look in the mirror>
Oh, yeah, it was US!
Sorry, we forgot! But don't worry, everybody, it's under control--go
back to your movie.

As the Chimp says: You're either with me or against me on this next  one...
Is it just me? Or are you getting tired of the Bush Administration using oil as a
sexual lubricant to fuck the world up the ass? Enough with the pumping already.

I'm tough on Bush and his cronies, but it's because I love America and I remember
her better times. Hell, I can remember when my American friends got excited about
finding an envelope with white powder in it!

We should have known things were going get ugly under Bush II.
Sequels always Suck!
 
 
 

Bartcop Rocks!