There’s a lot of scary stuff going on in
the world right now. We’re at war
in Iraq. North Korea is developing nuclear
weapons. U.S. relations with
some of our staunchest world allies are
severely strained. The Bush
administration is planning to close a slew
of military bases in 2005. We’re
facing the biggest deficit in American
history. And a person can no longer
safely order french fries at McDonald’s
without being run down and
assaulted by a mob bearing a frightening
resemblance to the pitchfork and
fire-wielding villagers in Mary Shelley’s
Frankenstein.
But I want you to forget about all that
for a moment because there’s a
much more urgent issue that requires your
immediate and undivided attention:
The prom.
Yes, it’s prom season, and teenagers all
across America are focused on
one thing and one thing only: how to convince
their parents they had a
flat tire after the prom so they get a
motel room for the night.
Devious school boards across America are
focused on something
altogether different, and so for years
thave put these proms at the end
of the school year to entice kids not to
drop out the rest of the year.
That way they can go to a good college,
get out of school and get a
well-paying job, so they can in turn pay
for their kids’ proms. It’s
what keeps the economy moving.
But to parents, their child’s prom means
something else entirely,
something far more resonant and enduring
(I’m tearing up just thinking
about it): Utter financial ruin.
First there’s the attire. If you have girls,
this means a prom dress.
Preferably an elegant one, if possible
an exact replica of the gown worn
by Mademoiselle de la Vallière which
drove Louis XIV so crazy he
expanded Versailles from a cottage into
a chateau to impress her.
(Chicks dig chateaus.)
When picking out your child’s prom dress,
just remember this simple
rule of thumb: The idea is to make your
child look as much as possible
like the top of a wedding cake. Think The
Lady Chablis, only flamboyant.
My sister has chosen for the big night a
floor-length gown that cost
approximately the same as two years’ tuition
at Harvard. In some
countries you can buy a small child for
what I paid for Charity’s prom
dress. (Let me say here that I have never
bought a child, small or
otherwise, either here or abroad, but it’s
useful to point out that if
one did buy a small child, they would have
an infinitely longer shelf
life than your daughter’s prom dress.)
You can of course buck tradition and force
your prom goer to wear a
less expensive and more versatile dress.
In this case, you can look
forward to significant financial savings
and every argument you ever
have with your child for the rest of your
life being capped with the
wailing and tearful accusation, “And you
wouldn’t buy me the prom dress
I wanted and that’s why Chip married Peggy
instead of me and now my
whole life is RUINED and it’s ALL YOUR
FAULT!”
To make sure your little Cinderella looks
her best, her prom dress must
have the perfect accompanying shoes and
earrings. For those perfect
shoes and earrings, expect to pay about
what it would cost for a pound
of depleted uranium. (For current rates,
see the World Health Organization’s
updated Depleted Uranium Fact Sheet.)
Okay, so you’ve got the perfect outfit. But you don’t get off that easy.
Next there are class dues, which you must
pay or your child cannot
attend the prom. These dues are $50. Whoops,
too late. That was in
January. If you didn’t pay them in January,
too bad for you: they went
up to $60 in February. Can’t afford $60?
No problem. You can always
wait and pay them in March. Then they’re
$70. Can’t afford $70? You
should have thought of that back in January,
when they were only $50.
You’re new at this, aren’t you?
Next up is the limo. So many choices to make, and each of them costs money.
The first question is whether to get a black
limo or a white limo. The girls
will invariably want white. (Chicks dig
white — it reminds them of weddings.)
The boys, of course, will want black. (Boys
dig black — it reminds them of
the t.v. show Night Rider.)
But since the girls will always get their
way for reasons which we will not go
into here, that means the limo will be
white. Now. Since every girl will want
a white limo (and studies have shown that
fifty percent of teens who attend
proms are girls), the white limo will be
a highly valued commodity. That of
course means you will pay twice as much.
(For price estimates, go to the
U.S. State Department Web site and match
your price to the current U.S.
offer for the right to place Iraq-bound
U.S. troops in Turkey.)
But hold on, don’t close that wallet yet.
You don’t expect your child
to spend an entire evening at the prom
without a good meal, do you? And
you’d better expect to pay big for this.
Would you expect Cinderella to
stop for cheeseburgers on the way to the
dance? No. Figure filet mignon.
Figure ten gold Krugerrands.
So if you want your child to have a wonderful,
memorable prom experience,
you better get started. You’ve got a lot
to do. You can start by having your
home reappraised now for a second mortgage,
while the rates are good.