Hi, my name is David Boise.
I'm a lawyer, a damn good one, too.
When I woke up this morning, I billed at $350 per hour.
Now, I bill at $600 per hour.
For breakfast, I chew and spit out the army of billionaire lawyers
from Microsoft.
I skip lunch, to play tennis.
For dinner, I chew and spit out the best lawyers oil money can
buy.
I am not to be fucked with.
It's not fair, it's not fair.
If we had known the court would follow
the law,
we wouldn't have gambled everything on
Jeb & Kathy's count.
It's not fair, it's not fair!!
ha ha
Caller: Dr. Laura, I have a moral dilemma.
Bitch: Tell me about it.
Caller: I had a baby 5 months ago,
and now my sister-in-law is pregnant
and she asked if I had any extra baby clothes I could give to her.
Bitch: Are you thru having kids forever?
Caller: Without a doubt. I had my tubes tied.
Bitch: Is you sister-in-law married?
Caller: ........ no..........
Bitch: Fuck her, then. You can't
support immorality
Give those clothes to someone else.
Give those clothes to some charity
You should never reward deviant, immoral behavior.
Koresh!
I almost drove off the fucking road.
What possible gain could that slut-whore see in denying that
unwed mother some baby clothes?
We're talking about baby clothes!
If it was a trip to Vegas or Mardi Gras, maybe you could
find a moral imperative here,
but clothes for the newborn baby?
We can assume the unwed mother needed money - who wants to ask
for hand-me-downs from
the damn in-laws, and here's Dr. Spread Legs counselling this
woman to screw her sister-in-law?
Even if you feel some Biblical-nonsense reason to take a stand
- it's a baby!
How does it help that poor bastard get a start in life when your
family refuses to
chip in with some used goddamn clothes for Christ's sake?
Laura, if someone had told me when I woke up today that I would
hear you say something
on the radio that would lower my opinion of you and your money-grubbing
morality schtick,
I would've bet them that they were wrong, because my opinion
of you was absolute zero.
But now you have plowed new ground, you soulless harpy c-word.
(I deserve a round of applause for not saying
"cunt.")
Lars Eric Nelson Dead at
59
We've lost another liberal voice
New York Daily News columnist Lars-Erik Nelson has died.
Nelson, 59, was a former Daily News bureau chief in Washington
and was
a columnist for the newspaper at the time of his death.
President Clinton issued a statement expressing sadness at Nelson's
death,
calling him "a fearless, independent, no-nonsense reporter
and columnist
who believed in getting to the heart of the story and getting
it right."
Nelson's true gift, Clinton said, "was translating complex stories
about our democracy
for the American people. He did it with humor and a dogged pursuit
for the truth."
"As his friends knew, beneath his gruff exterior was a gentle
spirit and a warm heart.
Hillary and I will miss him and the unique insight that he shared
with New York and the entire nation."
Nelson died at home Monday while watching television. (No doubt,
the Florida fiasco)
The cause of death has not been determined.
Click Here to read his last column.
Excerpt:
But somehow, twice in two years, we
have seen our country's most important
political decisions taken out of our
hands and made subject to the arguments
of people who seem to be making the
law up as they go along.
Stroke Me, Stroke Me
"Gore picked up another 170 votes today.
They will be subtracted from
the 130...er 700....er
...970.........er.......170.........er................930"
-- Today, third hour
From: jamie@gcsx.net
Subject: Donating to bartcop.com
BC,
Wanted instructions on donations.
Should checks be made out to Bartcop, bartcop.com,
or what?
-Jamie
Jamie, bartcop.com would be
OK, and thanks.
P.S. On Friday, I went to the Rio Grande Restaurant
in Arlington, VA.
While my friend was ordering margaritas, undoubtedly
using some kind
of bottled piss like Jose Cuervo, I looked up
at the bar, and for the first time,
feasted my eyes on an actual bottle of Chinaco
Anejo.
Being the dutiful fan of Bartcop that I am, I
felt it my obligation to sample this nectar.
Let me say that it is the first kind of tequila
that I could actually sip, rather than just down.
I've had other tequilas that I liked (Herradura),
and I've had sub-Cuervo tequilas as well (Aristocrat).
But the Chinaco was clearly in
a league by itself. When my friend noticed that I was trying a tequila
he had never heard of, he mentioned that at some
point, he wanted to try Cabo Wabo.
I just scoffed, and enjoyed my beer.
P.P.S. We later went to the Austin Grill in upper
Georgetown.
Austin Grill also serves Chinaco.
I couldn't resist it.
...ain't nothing like a sip o' Chinaco.
Starr doesn't expect invitation from Smirk
Hardon Kenneth Starr, the most hated man in America, says he's not expecting
to be asked to serve in a Smirk Adminsitration, should there be one.
At a gathering of the non-profit Alabama Policy Institute in Birmingham,
H.K. said,
" I managed perhaps to do more than my share
of public service.
I don't hear any clamor to get
Ken Starr back in poublic life."
That's right - Kenneth!
You could've been a Supreme Court judge, but noooooooooooooo.
Your penis fetish clouded what little judgement you had.
You lost everything, Kenny.
Your job with Big cancer, your pride, your self-respect.
Oh, well, Kenneth,
You'll always have your semen-stained copy of your referral, you prick.
Great Green Quotes
"Let the voters who said there's no difference
between Bush and Gore wait until
Big Oil's candidate gets in the
White House. George Bush is going to take all
those Greens to school, and we're
all going to pay the tuition."
-- Mike Casey, spokesman for Environmental
Working Group
From: glensmith@mindspring.com
Subject: Charlie Ruff
How about a shot of Chinaco for Charles Ruff?
Glen
Glen, good idea.
I never knew much about Charles Ruff.
The first time I ever saw him was at the culmination of the Great Cock
Hunt.
He seemed to be a top shelf lawyer.
They say at the time of his death, he was helping Gore with the Florida
fiasco.
Clinton showed great judgement in choosing Ruff to represent him.
Of course, Pigboy said Clinton did it to "play the cripple card,"
but that's just the scumbag Pigboy showing his true colors again.
Unlike Gregg Craig, Ruff never "borrowed" anything from bartcop.com
It took a team of great lawyers to preserve the people's choice as president.
Craig, Bumpers, Ruff and Clinton, himself - they worked as a team and
gave America back
their right to have the president they voted for, but then again, what
am I saying?
Maybe they just prolonged those rights for two years - we'll know soon.
In an interview with the
New York Daily News, Ruff said his decision
to lead Clinton's legal
team was no choice at all:
''When
the president of the United States asks you to do something,
you
don't say, 'Let me think about it.'
You
say, 'How can I help you, Mr. President.' ''
Yes, a shot of Chinaco for Charles Ruff.
Great True Quotes
"What Nader did was to impulsively betray a
lifetime of painstaking, frustrating,
but most often effective efforts
on his part to make a better world. He is a good man
who went very wrong and who now
seems to find solace from his egregious error
of judgement by getting drunk
on his own words.
The day after the election wreckage
he helped to cause, he was more arrogant than ever
in his condemnation of the Democratic
Party as evil incarnate. It is nothing of the sort.
The Democratic party, for all it's
contradictions and shortcomings, is the essential arena
for progressives to fight for their
programs."
-- Robert Scheer, contributing editor, Los Angeles Times
Supermodel Heather Stewart-Whyte says,
Don't get behind...
Read bartcop.com every day!
Great Republican Quotes
"Jeb and Kathy have ruled on this election.
They say I won Florida fair and square.
It looks to me like Vice President
Gore has a very serious problem when it comes to
accepting the will of the pe...
Uh, ...the elections results. Now, Vice President Gore
wants the Florida Supreme Court, which
has no jurisdiction over the laws of Florida,
to rule on this matter and they should
just butt out."
-- Smirk, more nervous than a whore in church
Smirk has taken steps to make that happen.
Uncle James and Uncle Dick have filed a motion with the Florida
Supreme Court
advising them that they have "no jurisdiction" over the laws
in their state.
You see, in Texas, when Smirk wants something done his way,
he picks up the phone and issues the order and that's that.
That's how he was brought up, that's the only way he knows...
...and this half-wit thinks he buy and bully his way into the
White House?
Koresh help him if he succeeds.
GOP Backs Hand Recount in Texas Race
Excerpt:
As Texas Gov. George W. Bush’s campaign lambasted
the hand
recount in Florida, a Texas Republican is hoping a manual recount could
help win
him a seat in the State House of Representatives. And they’ll be checking
chads.
A bipartisan group of residents in Texas’s
northeastern Smith County will gather
Monday to begin counting ballots by hand. But instead of relying on
a machine count,
the group will use a method endorsed in a 1997 law signed by Bush.
(Click
Re-Load)
From: efestag@mail.alac.org
To: rush@eibnet.com
Cc: bartcop@bartcop.com
Subject: Bartcop rules
BARTCOP RULES,
RUSH DROOLS!
ha ha
Eckard Festag sends El Pigbo a few less-than-flattering
e-mails a day.
Go get 'em, Eckard!
Some of the grapfix provided to bartcop.com have
been
provided by http://www.greengrafix.com/
Why not give them a click, see what they have.
Tax Cut's Dead on Arrival
WASHINGTON - If Smirk the Wonder Pooch survives chad hell and
becomes
the 43rd President, the first casualty of his administration
is already clear
— his precious $1.3 trillion tax cut is a goner.
Senior Bush aides have privately concluded that given the closeness
and
acrimony of this election, there's simply no chance for President
Smirk to
make good on his sacred vow to ease the tax "burden" on the super-rich.
"The circumstances of the election have limited what we can do
legislatively,"
a senior Bush adviser acknowledges."The best we can hope for
is an extremely
limited tax cut — and probably none at all."
It's not clear whether Smirk, who at every stop along the campaign
trail pledged to
return "the people's money" in the form of a tax cut, agrees
with that assessment.
But sources close to Smirk say he'd cluelessly submit the tax
plan to Congress
early in his whites-only administration.
"There's no way he can get a tax bill enacted," a prominent Republican
elder says.
"But he can't back off in light of the treason in his family
history."
At the 1988 GOP convention, Smirk-Daddy, George herbert-herbert
Bush
uttered the immortal lie: "Read my lips
- no new taxes." Then he turned right
around
and betrayed those very people he swore to help and increased
taxes like a sixties
liberal democrat. As a president who could be trusted, his credibility
was shot to hell
when people realized the son of a bitch stabbed them in the back
only to gain re-election.
Smirk knows that his father's broken pledge cost him the 1992
election.
For that reason, aides say, he will press ahead with his tax proposal
to preserve what's left
of his own credibility and to reward the Fourth Reich faction
of the Republican base for
their support in the election.
Giving tax "relief" to the super-rich was a centerpiece of Smirk's
campaign.
Throughout the fall, he introduced a "tax family" at every stop
- causing titters even
amongst his fawning press entourage - because his "tax family"
was invariably a DuPont,
a Carnegie or a Mellon. Bush would point out that if you had
a stable of million-dollar
polo ponies, you would get very little tax "relief" from Gore's
plan for targeted tax cuts.
Polls consistently showed that most voters thought Bush's tax
cut was horseshit
and that tax relief wasn't a priority for ninety-five percent
of Americans.
Bush again avoided comment yesterday on the Florida electoral
crisis. Attending to an
upcoming execution of another retarded Texas man at his office
at the state Capitol in Austin,
Smirk was asked by a reporter about his mood, he smirked, "I
is the president, ain't I?"
What are they saying in France?
"de nouveau, le destin de la démocratie
américaine est aux mains des bataillons des
avocats, des jurists et des experts
juridiques dont les costumes de somber dominent
sans interruption tous les canaux de
télévision pendant que les canaux eux-mêmes
enchantent en pouvant, par le suspens
désespéré, s'arrêter en fonction à leurs
assistances en fuite. De nouveau, la
classe politique panique, mais l'opinion publique
met à jour avec confiance le
serenity remarquable. JO Simpson? Monica? Elian?
Ce saga n'a pas encore un nom - se
trouve là-dedans le problème. "
For you non-Catholics, here's a translation.
"Once again, the fate of American democracy
is in the hands of battalions
of lawyers, jurists and judicial
experts whose somber suits continuously
dominate all television channels as
the channels themselves delight in being able,
through the desperate suspense, to hang
on to their fleeing audiences. Once again,
the political class panics, but public
opinion confidently maintains remarkable serenity.
OJ Simpson? Monica? Elian? This
saga doesn't yet have a name - therein lies the problem."
-- Le Monde
From: satherman@earthlink.net
Subject: Republican's 23rd Psalm
Bush is my shepherd. I shall always want.
He maketh me to lie on park benches.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my doubts in the Republican Party.
He guideth me to the path of unemployment
for the Party's sake.
Yeah though I walk through the valley of soup
kitchens,
I am still hungry.
I do fear evil for thou art against me.
Though anointest my income with taxes.
So that my expenses runneth over.
Surely poverty and hard living will follow
me
All the day of the Republican Party.
And I shall live in a rented house forever.
Strange but True
from The Associated Press
On national television and in news columns and editorial cartoons
across the country, ridiculing Harris knows
few bounds. She has been maligned for her attire, her lipstick
and, most vehemently, the way she does her job.
``It's so cold in Florida,'' Jay Leno said, that Harris ``wore
a third layer of makeup today!''
Or, as the Washington Post said in a critique of her televised
press conference last week: ``Her lips were
overdrawn with berry-red lipstick - the creamy sort that smears
all over a coffee cup and leaves smudges on
shirt collars.''
Harris, Smirk's Florida campaign manager, has attempted to declare
Bush the winner of Florida - and
thereby the White House. She declared an end to Florida's chaotic
tabulations even though three southern
Florida counties, highly populated and predominantly Democratic,
are now recounting by hand.
Harris has circled the wagons and refused interviews, so it's
hard to tell just who she is.
Who is she?
Harris has listed her net worth as more
than $6.5 million, according to her latest financial disclosure.
Until Nov. 7, Harris' $106,000-a-year job
consisted largely of overseeing the certification of election results,
maintaining historical and cultural resources,
and keeping the state's public records. But her public service
to that point had not been without its
bumps.
She was forced to reimburse more than $20,000
in illegal campaign contributions from the
founder
of Riscorp Inc., an insurer. Though she
denied wrongdoing and was not charged, federal prosecutors
discovered campaign memos indicating her
staff was aware of the kickbacks.
In two years on the job, Harris spent $100,000
of Florida taxpayer's money on "foreign trade missions"
to such financial powehouses as Barbados
and Brazil. Her travel expenses were significantly higher than the
other five Cabinet member, and three
times higher than Gov Bush.
(Ediotr's note: She's a pampered little princess, isn't she?)
Harris defended her extravagant travel expenses,
saying she has brought "international trade" to Florida
and established "cultural ties" such as,
(and I'm not making this up) a "cooperative ballet between the
state of Florida and Mexico."
(Jesus Christ - a Mexican ballet? She spent how many hundreds
of thousands of dollars to
bring the Mexican ballet to Florida?)
Her position is so vital to the financial interests of
Florida, her cabinet position is being abolished
as soon as her bony ass gets out of this constitutional crisis
her extreme partisanship has caused.
More sordid details
In 1994, Harris was implicated in a campaign-finance scheme surrounding
her first run for office.
She was forced to reimburse $20,000 after state regulators discovered
that employees of Riscorp
Inc, an insurance company, were improperly reimbursed for their
contributions to her campaign.
Just this year, she was criticized for spending $30,000 so Bush
ally Norman Schwartzkopf
could urge Floridians to vote. I guess Floridians weren't supposed
to remember that Norm
was campaigning for Smirk.
What kind of woman is this Kathy Harris?
(Click re-load to see)
All this tension... we need a Page Two Girl to soothe the beast
Read the Previous
Issue
It was so good, we sent it to the Academy.
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