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..............................BartCop
Store.........................................................................
...
...... .........................................................................................................................................................................Support
Bartcop.com
|
|
I'm finding ad requests buried in the mail pile, so I've added
another mail box for business purposes.
To request ad information, or to threaten me a lawsuit, use bc_biz.@yahoo.com
Advertise
on bartcop.com.
..SPORTS..
..Sweep
Weeks.. ..Help
Wanted.. ..Did
you hear it?
Help
Wanted
Attribution
The West Wing
Pronunciation Strategery Specialist
Las Vegas, Nevada
Description:
****Are you good
at pronouncing big words?
****Can you teach
others to pronounce big words with credibility?
****If so, then
this may be your dream job!
Our client is the
chief executive of a large, multinational organization with
influence in every
sphere of the world. This extremely high profile executive
makes public appearances
on a daily basis. Thus, his speaking
engagements need
to be persuasive, credible and memorable. In short, we
need someone who
can teach our client to say big words.
The ideal candidate will:
* Teach our client
to say hard-to-pronounce words like: “tertiary,”
'discretionary,”
“paradigm,” “anti-ballistic,” “Putin,” and a host of others,
including many
really tricky words that contain extra syllables and hyphens
that seem to move
just when you get ready to say them
* In addition to
an expert knowledge of how big words are supposed to be
said, you will
also be responsible for teaching our client how to say the names of
about a zillion
funny-sounding countries in far away places (even some overseas!)
* You will help
our client improve his vocabulary so instead of using the big
complicated words
(monitorition, scientilifical, decisionatory, defriblerigerator,
etceterera) he
will say ones that are easier to pronounce and when he says
them, he will
not have that painful look of adolescent self-doubt the moment
he says them.
(You know, that LOOK! The one where you're thinking, 'Dang!
Everybody in the
free world KNOWS I said the word wrong! I'm embarrassed.
Not as embarrassed
as daddy was after he vomited all over that guy in Japan, but darn close!')
Desired Requirements:
*Our winning candidate
will be able to deal with executives at the highest
level and really
enjoy towel-snapping frat-boy humor
*Special knowledge
of Texas history (just the good parts, thank you!) and of the punch lines
to every
“Old Sparky” electric-chair joke ever written would be a HUGE PLUS!
*If chosen for
this important job, you will work in one of the most historic
office buildings
in the world, fly better than first class, have all the Cheetos
you can eat, and
be able to order FBI background checks on your college
buddies just for
laughs. Special education experience helpful. Experience in
the following
would be preferred: Phonics Monkey, Scrabble and Wheel-of-Fortune.
Please click the
'Apply Online' link and send your resume and a cover-letter
chock full of
big words to become a candidate for this position.
Base Salary:
$12-$179062
Other Compensation:
Rangers tickets
Posted by:
Employer
Industry:
Government - Civil Service
Function:
Education,Other,Education
Job Term:
Full-Time
Desired
Experience:
Less Than 1 Year
Desired
Education:
None
Travel:
Road Warrior
Date Posted:
05/01/01
Ad Id:
ne0036-j24c3752vmrrdtnwxm23
Quotes
"To those of you who received honors, awards
and distinctions, I say, well done.
And to the 'C' students, I say: you
too can be president."
The Unelected Smirk at Yale University
But George, that only works if your crooked daddy once ran the
CIA,
and your crooked brother is screwing the crooked Secretary of
State who makes
a quick-call in your favor in a state that makes the difference
in a close election,
and then is backed up by crooked, partisan appointees on the
whore court.
From: LocutusTDP@aol.com
Subject: RE: Your Big Apple Visit
Hey BC!
I had no idea you were such a fan of art. You
could even add another
"subpage" to your site to highlight your appreciation....and
you could call it "ArtCop"......
Glad to see you back. Some of the time you were
gone, it appeared to me
as if Team Smirk were timing events to coincide
with your absence....
Personally, I am finding this "hostile takeover"
of Al Gore's White House
(he did indeed win it, fair & square, the
Supreme Court be damned) only tolerable by
immersion from time to time in total, absolute
NON-TUTU'ed opinion, and your page is it.
Too bad that the DNC and the S*L*U*T*s
(S mirk L overs U nder T om (Delay))
are such a dissapointment up to this point.
Keep up the good work, continue to grow the pie higher & higher* (homage to W &S) .
.......hope to be sending you some "PayPal Support" soon......
LocutusTDP
Loc, art is like music - I love the good stuff and can't stand the crap
Van Gogh is one of the very few I really like..
Subject: Is
it just me?
by isaac3rd@mediaone.net
From: "THE BIRD"
Subject: Murderer??
Can you provide proof that Barbara and Laura had abortions?
Nobody debates you because you just spout off
nonsense and don't back it up.
That's why rush is leading Americas talk show
circuit and your in the trash.
I'll be waiting for your reply.
-THE BIRD
www.thebirdbath.com
www.bartcop.net
Bird, you're a nut and always have been.
I didn't say they had abortions, what are you, crazy?
I said they were pro-choice.
It was El Pigbo and the Hyena Lady who said pro-choicers are murderers,
not me.
Nobody debates me because most ditto-spanks have your grasp of reality.
Attack the Host
From: bgarrison4@austin.rr.com
Subject: Fine, be a chicken
Bartcop-
Okay, DON'T address the issue of minority-majority
districts.
Just let the Republicans use the Black
and Hispanic Caucuses to
keep themselves in power both in D.C. and
statehouses across the nation.
Forget you, I'm going back to reading the
New Republic.
I thought you were an Democratic activist
who had some positions, but all you want to do is rant.
Unless the issue is a slam dunk, you chicken
out.
Turkey.
Dear Mr Turkey,
Congrats on finding an issue on which I haven't taken a strong
stand.
I thought I'd covered most everything in the last 476 issues.
Unlike a lot of yakking heads, I don't take a position on things
I don't know much about it.
Instead of coming off like a name-calling weenie, why not write
a column
telling me what my position ought to be and try to convert me?
From: melic@newsguy.com
Subject: WEST WING - Bartlett's Latin
bc -
Some of us non-Catholics did endure a little prep
school Latin :-) anyway,
on NPR a couple of days ago, this professor of
Classics:
Name: Ed Phillips
Title: Professor of Classics
was discussing Bartlett's Latin rant to God.
He seemed very impressed with whomever wrote it:
its structure, in groups of 3 sentences, was
ecclesiastical, and the last line translated as:
"why don't you go hang yourself."
I didn't see the show and I haven't looked for
a transcript (I'm sure one will show up),
but it seemed that it was one of those rare TV
moments saved for the few, the proud, the survivors of Latin.
Venes voluptes invenit ubi sunt,
Melic
Et cum spiri tu tuo.
bc
The New York story II
The first thing I noticed was her well-toned calves and her firm...
Wait, wrong story - hold on...
Here we go...
So we left the Chat & Chew and started walking again.
We walked everywhere. After a couple of miles, we stumbled
into The Cedar Tavern.
It was more noisy than Ward Connerly finding out a negro made
it into UCLA.
We couldn't hear each other speak, so we continued The Death
March.
After another couple of miles, we found The Reservoir,
which was better.
They had no real tequila, of course, so I think I had a beer.
Right after the bartender served me, I noticed they had Long
Island Ice Teas - on tap.
I had no idea they could pre-mix that and have it taste OK, but
then again, I didn't try one.
So we headed Back to Bataan, where we eventually found
Union Square Park.
It was one of the coolest stops of the whole trip. It's
hard to describe, expecially for a quarter-wit,
but there was maybe 100 people on this corner of the park, and
they were just hangin'.
There were some teenagers trying to do tricks with their skateboards.
There were kids and old people
and cops and black folk and Asian people and they were just hangin'
and doing nothing.
By now, it must've been midnight, and there was a crowd of people
doing nothing.
I thought how hard it must be for someone to grow up with that
kind of excitement,
then move to a small town where nobody was hangin' anywhere but
the damn Dairy Queen.
Sidebar:
Do you know who Bob Simon is?
He might still be, but he was a foreign
correspondent for CNN or CBS, and in 1991, he was
covering the Gulf War a little too closely.
This bonehead drove a jeep out into the desert, toward Iraq,
looking for a story like he was Lois Lane
with Jimmy Olsen's signal watch - and he found a story, all right.
The Iraqi army grabbed his dopey ass and
slapped him around a little bit and threw him in an Iraqi prison.
Seems like they kept him for 60 days or
something, then let him go. Then he whined about how unfair
it was that he, a semi-partially-respected
"journalist" was held by the Iraqi hun. In truth, the nut was
lucky to get out of that alive and then
he goes on 60 Minutes to whine like he was Terry Anderson.
The reason I bring him up was he walked
right past us on the street with a woman.
I'm sure it was him, I pointed him out
to Mrs BartCop and CAL, and they agreed.
I don't even need to "swear to Koresh"
on this one because if I was going to lie
about spotting a celebrity, I'd think of
somebody good, not Bob Simon.
There was only so much excitement my knees could take, so we took
a taxi home.
That was a helluva first day in THE city.
From: jstone@e-guys.com
Subject: NOTE: All BartCop readers
The Motel Six in Kansas City is cleaning
up after the NRA convention this weekend.
They have still not identified four sets
of teeth.
Call the claims dept at EIB
1-800-282-2882
We got a nice mention from my good friend Eric Alterman in The Nation
Excerpt:
www.bartcop.com began as a
critique of Rush run by a fellow who wishes to remain anonymous
but describes himself as "your average
Okie liberal with too much time on my hands."
It's developed into a very smart, funny
critique of the right and is financed to the tune of $600 a month
by Marc Perkel of San Francisco, who simply
liked it and offered to pay the freight.
Thanks, Eric, and thanks to Marc, too.
Chinaco Anejo all the way around.
Back to New York...
Saturday we woke up and looked out the window.
New York is nothing if not busy.
It's the only place I've seen that's as busy as New York is Las
Vegas.
Time to take a quick shower and hit THE city.
The water looked clear in the sink, but it's brown in the tub.
CAL told us NY has a great water supply, it's just that the pipes
in the 100-year old
buildings are all rusted to hell, so the clean water comes out
in brown chunks.
Eeeuuuuuuuu......
Waiting for a cab, I noticed how many rollerbladers there were.
Rollerbladers, small dogs and gay men.
They were everywhere.
We hopped in a cab and I said, "Guggenheim
Museum."
The cab driver went ape-shit.
This was Saturday morning, and the streets were less-than totally
gridlocked,
so the cabbie (Solomen Teddesse) was driving down Sixth Avenue
doing 45 MPH.
Dodging and weaving, it was the thrill ride Dave always talks
about.
(It was one of the most exciting rides ever, but
more on that in the Thursday section.)
Soon, we arrived at The Guggenheim.
Sidebar:
Old-time readers might remember when we
went to DC in 1998, we travelled with
a world-class architect. When we told him
a month ago that we were going to NY,
he mentioned that the plans for the Guggenhiem
were either drawn or stored in his apartment.
(He studied under Frank.)
Do you know what the crazy feature of this
museum is?
You take an elevator to the top floor,
then you get in a golf cart and let gravity deliver the goods.
All you do is go in circles, and hit the
brakes when you want to see something.
That's pretty damn impressive.
So we get to the front door and we see the inevitable sign:
This
museum is under renovation.
The
spiral part is closed, ...but
-
the Maplethorp Exhibit in the square part is open!
Perfect!
Just what I came to New York to see - a Maplethorp exhibit.
They also had some Thannhauser exhibit, but who ever heard
of him?
It's a conspiracy to deny me a good time, I told myself.
Broken hearted, we started walking towards The Metropolitan Museum of Art.
The Met was showing the "Jackie's Dresses" exhibit - yawn.
(That was the gig where Pickles snubbed the women of Washington
by not attending.)
It said "Two Hour Wait" for Jackie's dresses, and I don't have
two hours to waste.
Mrs. BartCop remembered that they had some Vermeer's, so we began
the search.
Vermeer is Ruebenesque, so we like him.
Walking thru the halls of the exhibit, there wasn't a sound, which
was odd since there were
a hundred people in this little 40x40 room. They were all so
silent and well-behaved.
Let's hear it for the mellow people of New York!
My favorites were:
Jacob Vosmaer's "A Vase of Flowers."
Damn, look at him go!
Paulus Polter's "Cattle & Sheep in Stormy Landscape."
This is real good when the picture is bigger.
Vermeer's "A Glass of Wine."
Nice stuff, eh?
That's good for what it is, but nothing beats the Impressionists.
The Impressionists - the rule breakers.
You got your Monet, who's a low-rent Van Gogh.
You got your Manet, who took fewer chances than Monet.
And then you have your Vinnie Van Gogh, ...the Jimmy Page of
leaded paint.
Van Gogh is the only oil man who ever made me cry (until last year)
Check out his "First Steps (After Millet)"
Click
for a great, detailed enlargement
You can't see much in this photo, but when you're a foot away
from this masterpiece,
you see the emotion in the father - reaching out with such anticipation
for his daughter's
first steps - coaxing her to come to him. You also see
the baby's eagerness to please Daddy.
That kid isn't stumbling, she's taking off. She
knows she's going to make it to Daddy.
You see how Daddy has dropped his important farming to share
this victory with his daughter?
Look how straight his arms are - he really wants her to
succeed.
Son of a bitch, this is a great, great work of art.
I have no idea how Vinnie could grab a brush full of emotion and
slap it on a canvas.
But then again, I don't understand how Jimmy Page can made a
steel string vibrate with emotion, either.
How unreal to get an emotional punch in the stomach from a painting
that's 111 years old.
If you want to start a fight with me - call Van Gogh a bum.
Wheat Field with Cypresses
This is what happens when you eat the lead paint - genius!
I should go to art school just so I can learn the words to describe
this stuff.
I could go on and on, but the Internet's not that big.
If I could ever get the Trip to DC Pt 2 finished, I could
tell the tale of the time
I came face to face with Wheatfield
with Crows.
It's the greatest painting ever done.
Christ, I have tears in my eyes just typing the words as I flash
back.
Until October of 1998, I had no idea paintings had that kind
of power.
I gotta move on, cause I could stay here forever.
Before we left the Met, we checked out some lesser artists,
just for laughs.
Gaugin and Seurat are pikers.
They made me laugh out loud, causing the guard to "shush" me.
Cezanne isn't bad.
His 1880's work was Van Goh-wannabe, which really was his best
work.
His pre-1880 work was nothing to write home about, then he had
his spurt of mediocrity
until about mid-1890, (which isn't a bad run) but then he completely
turned to crap.
He painted a picture of his wife that should be burned.
I'll bet she hated it as much as me and let Paul know about it.
Maybe that's why his career went to shit in mid-1890.
Show me anything Cezanne did, pre-or-post 1880's, that's
worth a cheese sandwich.
Maybe museums hang the weak stuff as a donation to his family.
I'm sure they get paid by the painting.
Wait, there was another great painting:
It was "Florinda" by Franz Xavier Winterhaller.
Portrait of the Empress
Eugénie Surrounded by her Maids of Honor,
1855, oil on canvas,
Musée National
de Palais de Compiégnie.
ha ha
That's not true!
They're lying!
That's "Empress" Eugenie, ...semi-sorta, but not quite because
she's still a virgin.
The only way that title is truthful is if you own a Wabac machine.
The view you're seeing is that of King whatshisname, hidden,
leering thru the bushes
as he decides which virgin he's going to force into womanhood
that night.
This is a gaggle of young maidens in Spain, being spied on by
the suddenly-one-handed king.
See the lady in white, middle of the left side?
As Paulie would say, "Honey, this is
your lucky day."
Well, the King chose to have her that day.
Later, ( I was reading real fast) when Eugenie's daddy found out
what the King had done to his baby,
he made a deal with the Turks or the Arabs or the Visigoths or
somebody to come up thru Morocco
and overrun Spain, and they did, and that bit of Monica affects
western Europe to this day.
Men are so stupid!
(Chris Farley pulling on his hair...)
"Nations go to war over women like you,
it's a form of appreciation."
-- Sheena Easton/Prince
Oh, well, I could do, "Art with BartCop," forever.
But we had a great time checking out the art in New York.
So, we continued to walk the streets.
By now, my dawgs were barking worse than the metal
detector on Columba Bush.
We got to the MOMA and they had some problem, so
we didn't go inside,
but across the street they had a string of vendors selling art,
cokes, falafels, hot dogs,
and all kinds of things you wouldn't find in Oklahoma.
There was a table behind which was seated an elderly Japanese
calligraphic artist.
He said he'd write anything in Japanese for eight dollars.
Hey, I got eight bucks.
Do you know Japanese?
Do you know what this says?
From: Coach
Subject: Welcome Back
Welcome back BC.
I'd like to say we missed you, but you'd probably
see right through such an obvious fib,
considering Bartcop fans are so pissed off that
you had the nerve to take a holiday away from us.
In fact, most of us are going to boycott the
site for....where the hell's Part II?
Don't ever leave us alone that long again.
Either that, or get a laptop and type in an "on
the road" version.
Coach
What'd you think about that West Wing?
Sidebar:
While we were out of town, a cloud must've
appeared in the sky, which causes
all homes in K-Drag to lose power, so all
my VCRs shut off and didn't tape last week.
I need copies of these shows from May 11th
to May 19th:
the second-last Voyager,
the West Wing,
(Oh, I'll just spit if I can't get a copy of that...)
the final episode of The Practice,
the hour-long, season-ending Frasier,
the second-last X-Files,
from the 13th,
the Cat Heat episode of Dark Angel,
for Mrs BartCop (cough)
The Sopranos where Jackie
robs the poker game,
the final Lone Gunmen,
anything that was good on Dave or Jay that
week.
If you have any of these shows, send me
an e-mail.
I'll pay cash, or owe you a tape, or owe
you a favor etc.
If I don't get these shows, I 'll no longer
have everything on tape.
But that West Wing was something, wasn't it?
(Some of these quotes are from Lynn Elber of the
AP)
However, I did feel a little cheated that we only got to see Toby
and Donna's reaction
to the pivotal "I was lied to by a friend" news shocker. But
after that, ...
Sorkin and Bartlet went waaaay farther with the anger at God than
I would have.
If you didn't see it, after the funeral of his step-mother/big-sister
role model...
Sidebar:
Mrs. Landingham is the person who brought
Bartlet into politics.
She came to young Jed (in high school?)
with a social problem and drafted him.
She said she knew he'd made up his mind
to join her when he thrust his hands into his pockets.
That gesture was Jed's way of smacking
the gavel - the decision has been made.
Mrs. Landingham had just bought her first new car, and was on
her way to let Bartlet "kick the tires,"
when some drunk girls ran a red light, killing her, and severely
crushing Bartlet's faith in God.
After her funeral, he ordered everyone out of the national cathedral,
and he meant everyone.
He told the Secret Service to go outside and lock the doors.
Then he lit a cigarette, stared at the statue of Jesus on the
cross,
(I don't have the tape, but this is how I remember it)
Bartlet's opening line in his one-on-one with God was
"You son of a bitch."
Who begins a sit-down like that?
Then Bartlet got out the BIG hammer.
"She bought her first new car and you
hit her with a drunk driver?
What? Is that supposed
to be funny?" Bartlet asked, then added bitterly,
"Have is displeased you, you feckless thug?"
Whoa!
He wasn't through.
His next twenty seconds were in Latin
Odds are, you non-Catholics don't know a lot of Latin.
Here's what Bartlet said to God's face:
"Am I really to believe that these are the
acts of a loving God?
A just God?
A wise God?
To hell with your punishments.
I was your servent here on Earth.
And I spread your word and I did your
work.
To hell with your punishments.
To hell with you."
Then, in a gesture of contempt, he threw his cigarette to the cathedral floor, crushing it with his shoe.
Pretty strong stuff.
Was it this year's finest TV moment?
Not yet.
Mrs. Landingham's ghost appeared and scolded him for his self-pity.
"There are people way worse off
than you.
...If you don't want to run again,
I respect that.
But if you don't run because you think
it's gonna be too hard,
or you think you're gonna lose, well,
God, Jed, I don't even want to know you."
Was that this year's finest TV moment??
Not yet.
Bartlet's all wet now, he's been standing in the rain, searching
for a clue.
He's got the speech of his life in 10 minutes and he was wetter
than Bettina Gregory
giving an explanation of Peyrones disease on a live update for
an ABC radio special.
Sidebar:
Bettina, you're a whore.
You know it.
I know it.
Bob Dole knows it,
and the American people know it,
...now get outta here...
They rushed Bartlet into a limo and dashed off to the press conference.
CJ reminds him to call first on "Lou" or someone, to avoid the
inevitable question,
"Mr. President, do you have the gall
to run again, after lying to us?"
It started getting real good here.
Bartlet stood there - beaming at the crowd and the TV
cameras.
The press whores were acting like they did with Clinton, screaming
rude questions at him.
His staff is starting to panic, starting to wonder if he was
losing it.
All he had to do was call on Lou to break the ice and get the
first question out of the way
and then hope for the best on the second question.
The camera kept circling Bartlet, creating an intentionally dizzying
effect.
As the others started to panic more fully, Jed's old buddy Leo
realized what was happening
and looked up with a face full of hope and said, "Watch
this!"
Damn, that was good.
Spencer can act.
Was it this year's finest TV moment?
Not yet, but we're seconds away.
The camera continued to circle as the president thrust his hands
into his pocket
and called on the reporter most likely to ask him if he
was going to run again.
The reporter asks, and Bartlet showed him what determination looked like.
Was it this year's finest TV moment?
Yep, I think so.
Lynn Elber of AP called the ending "a cliffhanger to ponder."
"a cliffhanger to ponder?"
No, it was this year's finest TV moment, ..and I don't have
a copy of it.
Help an old altar boy out.
If you have the West Wing or any of those other shows,
and you can make copies, help Ol' BartCop out.
If you can send several of those shows on one tape, write for
sure!
I'll PayPal you the cash, make a trade, whatever.
Tomorrow, if I'm lucky, the final Sopranos review.
Niki Taylor Update
Supermodel Niki Taylor Utters First Words After Crash
ATLANTA, 4:56 p.m. EDT May 17, 2001 -- Supermodel
Niki Taylor uttered her first words
since an April 29 car crash that left her in
critical condition.
Taylor's manager said that Niki asked for a drink by saying, "Coke."
"Niki was taken off the respirator and yesterday
she scribbled drink on a piece of paper and
the nurse bent over to ask her to talk
to her, and she lifted off her mask," Lou Taylor said.
"Niki's first words after two-and-a-half weeks
after this ordeal was 'Coke.'"
Taylor has been recovering from liver and other
injuries.
Doctors say that Taylor's condition has improved.
She's now listed in critical but stable condition.
"She is a remarkably strong individual to have
made it thus far," Dr. Jeffrey Nicholas said. "She continues
to require intensive care therapy and will
require continued hospital care for some time. I anticipate that if
she continues her current progress, she
is approximately half-way through her anticipated hospital course."
The Coke Bear says, "Hang in there, Niki!"
...end of Part II.
Since I was gone last week, I had to work some today.
I'll get caught up and back to speed real quick.
Let's hope Part III is better.
I forget...
Is it illegitimate president or bastard president?
Read the Previous Issue
It had everything.
Copyright © 2001,
bartcop.com
Thanks for the
fumble, Dude.
