I got an e-mail from a dear friend last week. The e-mail contained
an
article attributed to Andy Rooney, saying "Andy Rooney tells it like it
is!"
I knew halfway through that Rooney never wrote the article because,
while it followed in a similar curmudgeon rhythm, it was just so unlike
Andy.
But this is a new type of right wing "plagiarism." The idea is not
to pass on
someone else's work with one's own name on it, but to put someone's credible
name on one's own easily dismissed work. The idea being that if it
comes
from someone we like, we will be less eager to throw it in the trash.
Let's see how easily Faux Andy's work fits in the circular file.
FAUX ANDY: "I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles [can't you
just see Rooney on a hog?], big houses and big campfires."
Me: Well, so far so good, but let's reserve comment on this one until later.
FA: "I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not
some
governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to
crack addicts for squirting out babies."
Me: You can see where we're going here. Personally I don't
know
exactly who Mr. Combover is, but I personally don't know any crack addicts
who are getting paid to "squirt out babies." I bet Faux Andy can't
name
even one. But I do know a lot of people who are driving big, gas
guzzling cars and boats. My money is being used to subsidize their
gas
guzzling ways, and now Bush has even given them tax breaks for buying them
(meaning, of course, that my money will pay for the shortfall). Also,
as American car manufacturers falter because only unthinking, wealthy
Americans are buying their product, my tax money will go for the
corporate welfare to bail out GM, Ford, and Chrysler. We saw this
happen in
1970s already. This, of course, says nothing about the fact that
our
country is far less secure because of our dependence on foreign oil.
I
will say that Bush is attempting to resolve this problem by invading
weaker nations to take what we want.
FA: "Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you
a
killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no
one is
trying to ban you from driving to the ball game."
Me: No. But then, I can't conceal my car into my seat at the
ball
park where I can take out the entire row of people next to me while the
pitcher is still warming up on the mound. I can't bring my baseball
bat
into a public library to blow away half the neighborhood's kids in 30
seconds. Guns are made for killing living things. That is their
purpose. It is not the purpose behind a car or a baseball bat.
But even a
car requires a license to drive, and has a minimum age requirement to
operate. Anyone who's old enough to pick up a gun is old enough to
be
packing.
FA: "I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that
is
why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts!
ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?"
Me: Well... best let Martha Burke field this one. It's really
not my
issue. I've never supported either the Boy Scouts or the Girls Scouts.
They have a long history of excluding people for other reasons than
those based on gender, such as race and religion. (I wonder why they
don't call themselves the White Scouts, the Christian Scouts or the
Heterosexual Scouts?) Regardless, being a long standing heterosexual
American
male, I've never been uncomfortable when women are present.
FA: "I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion."
Me: I have no problem with people who believe that homosexuality
is wrong.
That is their opinion. In fact, I have no problem with homosexuals
who believe
that heterosexuality it wrong. That's their opinion also. It
is a phobia when one
feels the need to make laws that force people into hiding just because
certain
small minded people live in fear of being touched or "recruited."
FA: "I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything
except numbers. The only things that I can think of that are truly
discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine,
Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have
things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White
Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens.
Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door."
Me: I'm sorry but this is truly pathetic, and Faux Andy should have
learned something in his American history classes. UNCF, Jet, BET,
and
Miss Black America were all created because African Americans were
always excluded from the mainstream equivalents. Faux, we did have
a United
Caucasian College Fund, a Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television,
and Miss White America. They were called, respectively: Yale,
Vogue,
(NBC, CBS, and ABC), and Miss America. Yes, Virginia, there
was,
and still is racial prejudice in this country. You don't have to
walk
too far down memory lane to find a time when it was actually illegal to
educate a black child. I'm only 50, and I have active memories of
when
all of that existed. When I was growing up in California, many businesses
required African American employees to come into a building via a separate
entrance than whites. And it is on the rise again, even as I write
this.
Faux Andy, raise your sheet above your nose and smell the coffee.
FA: "I have the right 'NOT' to be tolerant of others because they
are
different, weird, or tick me off."
Me: Absolutely! One does have that right, just as I'm losing
my
tolerance of Faux Andy. However, at last check the world was approaching
a
population of 6.5 billion people. That's a lot of required time
dedicated to intolerance. But take comfort, Faux Andy. If you
spend all of
your time being ticked off because people are different, fewer and
fewer of anybody will desire to spend any time around you.
FA: "When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities
where 70%
of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law
of Probability."
Me: Sorry, Faux Andy, but I didn't realize that you lived in Africa.
I don't know of very many locales in America that are 70% black.
Or do
you include all people who are not second generation white Americans as
being "black." It's hard to argue with a statistic that bears
absolutely no relationship to reality. You're right in that it would
be the
Law of Probability if the ratio that you chose were accurate. Try
this
one on for size, Faux Andy. Only 14 percent of illegal drug users
are
black, and yet they represent 74 percent of those incarcerated for drug
possession. One out of every three black men will spend time in
prison. Will you make the claim that one out of every three white
men will
be imprisoned?
FA: "I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of it.
If
I received sex from one of my subordinates in my office, it wouldn't be
a private matter or my personal business. I would be "FIRED" immediately."
Me: Personally, I don't like to think about Andy Rooney having sex
in
his office. But it's true that there probably aren't varying degrees
of sex (other than things regarding the spreading of sexually
transmitted diseases). There are, however, varying degrees of privacy.
I, for
one, would have no trouble with a person having sex with a co-worker, so
long as it is not done in public and on company time. Things are
a
little different when one is referring to the president of our country.
We give him/her a building that serves both as office and home, and what
he/she does on his/her private time is absolutely none of my business,
provided it isn't illegal. And his/her employers can fire him/her.
It's called an election. Also, Faux Andy, show me on your employment
contract where it says that, beyond getting voted out of your position,
you can only be removed for "high crimes and misdemeanors." Please
excuse all the his/her, but it's not called the Boy Presidents.
FA: "I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of
cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English!
As a
matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have
to speak English!"
Me: What's the difference between an American and a European?
The
American only speaks English. I guess you'd have to call this advanced
thinking. There was a time in this country where an individual could
not
be admitted to a university in America without knowing both Latin and
Greek. Now you are simply required to speak English. The problem
with
many Americans is that they want a vendor to sell them a milk shake in
English, even when that vendor is in Mexico City. Also, I can't
remember a time when there was an insurmountable language barrier with
someone selling me anything, anywhere, at any time. I can remember
times
when I was hearing a very strong accent. I thought to myself, there's
someone who knows one more language than I do.
FA: "My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave
the
countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think
the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you
threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand
the word
'freeze' or 'stop' in English, see the above lines."
Me: I don't know anybody who comes over hear to disrespect America.
Right now, the persons showing the most disrespect for America are
occupying the White House and the Attorney's General office. Most
of the
people I see who come here do so because they prefer it here over wherever
they came from. That's not usually a sign of disrespect. I
suppose this all has
to do with the "right of intolerance." And regarding the right of
the police to
"shoot your sorry self" - do you really think they have the right to shoot
someone
who holds up a wallet or a cell phone - 15 to 45 times - in the back?
Faux Andy,
how do you feel about the use of broom handles at police stations.
In view of your
stand on homosexuals, tolerance, and English, I imagine that you feel pretty
good
about them.
FA: "I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation
recount votes when needed. I know what the definition of lying is."
Me: So do I. But only if that machine was programmed by someone
with
no political affiliation. Baring that impossibility, I'd like the
source code for
those machines to be open for public scrutiny. Otherwise all you
get is faster
election fraud. As to the lying comment, I have no idea what you're
referring to.
FA: "I don't think just because you were not born in this country,
you are qualified
for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks,
etc.,
so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business."
Me: Faux Andy, we don't give those things to people based on the
fact
that they were not born here. We grant them in order to encourage
business
development in the communities in which they live - here, in our neighborhoods,
for the benefit of our people. I don't think that just because you
run a business in
this country that you should be allowed to stash your proceeds in another
country
just to avoid paying your fair share of taxes.
FA: "We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk
our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they
could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document;
and open to their interpretations."
Me: Fear not, Faux Andy. None of these conditions exist.
We have
never risked our lives to defend another country's freedoms, we have only
done so to protect our own interests. If you can think of one
exception to this, please make me aware. However, in our own revolution,
France did come over here to help us secure our freedom. No one from
a
foreign country told us that the US Constitution was a living document.
However, many, if not most of our founding fathers did. They did
so
because the common law that serves as the foundation of our constitution
was considered "living" law. And no foreign entity has ever interpreted
our constitution in any way that had any binding meaning. Really.
Read the constitution. That function is delegated to the Supreme
Court.
FA: "I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I
know wrestling is fake,
but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching
them."
Me: Good for you. As for me, I don't pity the rich. I
don't hate the
poor. So I would never refer to a woman on welfare as a "crack addict"
who is paid to "squirt out babies." I would never think of Bill Gates
as a woefully abused soul who is being persecuted by the government in
order to steal his hard earned money. Mr. Gates takes home more money
in a day than I will gross in two years, and I suspect that I work just
as hard for my money. But I do prefer that which is not fake.
Which
is why I don't watch either wrestling or Fox News, and I don't listen to
Rush Limbaugh or Michael Weiner (or is that Savage?). I don't think
very much of shallow individuals who falsely claim to be Andy Rooney.
FA: "I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause
is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude."
Me: You and I should both be locked up. But then, at least
you and
the Hell's Angel both love big motorcycles.
FA: "I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made
and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the
next
operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.
Ask
your buddy that invented the Internet to help you."
Me: I think Bill Gates should pay his fair share of taxes like any
other American. I also know that several better operating systems
have
been invented. But because Microsoft has a habit of breaking anti
trust
laws, Microsoft has managed to keep them off of the free market.
While
I have no interest in inventing computer technology, I do feel that I
have the right to the best product that a free market can provide, but
unless someone enforces anti trust laws I'm not likely to get it.
Also,
I know of no one individual who claims to have invented the internet.
I do know of one that said that he led the way in congress to create
the conditions that would allow the internet, and even Newt Gingrich
agreed that he did exactly that. This man was a forward thinking
individual. I hear that the majority of the voters in this country
voted for
him for president. And he is even working on one of the better operating
systems, now that he's joined the Board of Directors at Apple.
FA: "It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but
it
does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds
when necessary, and say 'NO!'"
Me: Faux Andy, I'm not a parent myself, so I'll side step any superior
knowledge of child development. I can attest to my own life.
There
were far more influences on me growing up than my own parents smacking
my
little behind and saying, "NO!"
FA: "I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but
please don't pretend they are a political statement. And please,
stay home
until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly
infected mouth as you serve me french fries!"
Me: Gee, Faux Andy, I think you've stumbled across the one thing
we
might agree on. However, I'm more than a little surprised that you
didn't say, "freedom fries." Com'on, I know you thought it.
FA: "I am sick of 'Political Correctness.' I know a lot of
black
people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can there
be 'African-Americans'? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't
go
around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great,
great, great, great, grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be
from
America and nowhere else."
Me: And we're all proud that you're from America, Faux Andy.
I'll
point out that "political correctness" came about because many people
would rather drop the "N" bomb than say black, or even negro. I prefer
to
refer to such things as sensitivity. I'm glad you know "a lot of
black
people," but I'd be very much surprise if you really know where they
are all from. And most folks do prefer to be labeled as Americans
-
except on St Patrick's Day when they want to be Irish Americans, or
Columbus Day when they want to be Italian Americans. You might also
consider
that many African Americans have no idea of their specific national
origin, because they were kidnapped from their homeland, brought over here
on ships against their will, and sentence to several generations of
slavery. But that's a minor thing to you. Your great, great,
great,
great, great, great, granddaddy came over here of his own free will.
So
did mine. In fact one of my greats was here, from another country,
telling us that the constitution is a living document. But maybe
he would
know because he helped write it.
FA: "And if you don't like my point of view, tough. DON'T PASS IT ON!!"
Me: I don't like it, but I'll pass it on. However, with my
own
comments attached, because dreck like this needs answering. To those
that
read this, add your own thoughts, and PASS IT ON. It might educate
those
who put educated people's names on their own uneducated opinions.