Today's
Bonus Issue
Bonus Issue
Have you heard the latest on Traficant?
They found crop circles in his hair!
Traficant says he has "no memory" of how they got there.
Better still, they determined that the crop circles spell out
a message.
"I will not resign."
San Francisco puts growing pot on the ballot
Excerpt:
In a move toward making San Francisco the
first city to defy openly the federal ban
on growing marijuana for any reason, the
Board of Supervisors approved a ballot measure
on Monday that would explore growing marijuana
on public property as a way around the
Federal Drug Enforcement Administration's
continual closing of medical marijuana clubs.
I'd rather move to Las Vegas, but San Francisco is nice, too.
Subject: Proof You Lie
You wrote yesterday:
> Quotes
> "Are there any queers in the theater tonight?
> Get them up against the wall!
> There's one in the spotlight,
> he don't look right to me,
> Get him up against the wall!
> That one looks Jewish! And that one's a coon!
> Who let all of this riff-raff into the room?
> There's one smoking a joint, And another with spots!
> If I had my way, I'd have all of you shot!"
> --Field Marshall Ashcroft, fighting terra
Remember when the recently completed University
study of political websites
showed your accuracy was rated dead last and
Rush Limbaugh's was rated No. 1?
This is an example of your untrustworthiness
and deceit.
Michael J. Fruitbat
ha ha
Is this a gag?
Nobody can be this stupid - can they?
Artie, is that you?
That's not a lie, it's a joke.
All the smart people recognize those words from Pink Floyd's The
Wall.
What kind of ignoramous takes a joke like that seriously?
An ignoramous named Mike Fruitbat?
ha ha
Ladies need hammers, too.
Quotes
"I took all my money out of the stock market
last week, I was smart.
But then over the weekend I bet it
all on Tiger Woods."
--Dave
This Just In...
Looks like BartFest
II is going to be at Fud's house in Hawaii
in May, 2003.
Compared to Hawaii, think how much cheaper going to BartFest
in Vegas is...
September
28th - get your tickets
now!
`The Osbournes' By The Numbers
How many curses are bleeped out of a typical half-hour
episode of "The Osbournes?"
A bleeping lot. New York-based writers
David Katz and Michael Robin have counted every
Osbourne cuss on the MTV series and say each
30-minute program contains at least 50 swears.
The grand prize winner for profanity is the heavy
metal family's Christmas episode, "Deck The Hells,"
where Ozzy, Sharon, Kelly and Jack spew forth
78 swears during their holiday bickering.
The runner-up is the show where nanny Melinda
rats out Jack's late night partying to his parents and he
snaps back with several repetitions of "f**k
you, Melinda." Grand total of bleeps in that episode: 72.
Finally, the infamous episode where the Osbournes'
pets run wild -- pooping, peeing and
puking in the house -- comes in at No. 3 with
70 swears.
Katz and Robin share their total cuss count in
their upcoming book,
"The Osbournes: The Unauthorized !@#$-ing True
Story Of The Osbourne Family" (Andrews McMeel).
Note to the President
Excerpt:
Please, please, please stop trying to reassure
Americans about the economy.
You probably haven't noticed this, but
every time you give a speech or comment
about the economy, the market plunges like
an anesthetized pigeon.
Quotes
"President Bush is selling super computers
to China,
computers that even Bill Clinton refused
to sell to China,
and that's another reason for his falling
approval numbers."
--Rush sub-Nazi Roger Hedgehog, first hour Wednesday,
swear to Koresh
Six
Little Words
by Molly Ivins
Click
Here
Excerpt:
Now connect the dag-nabbit, bobberty-doggin'
dots here. This is not a business scandal.
WorldCom is not just a corporate failure.
This is about government. The government of this
country has been bought by campaign contributions
from corporate special interests. This is about
the nexus between big corporations and
government, the American keiretsu, the Establishment.
Subject: Re: Photos of our president and chimpanzees
Dear Bartcop,
I'm writing to ask you to please stop showing
those photos of our
president with chimpanzees. I find it very insulting and undignified,
and for me
personally it brings back painful memories of a time when I had to
work in
close proximity with one of his daddy's good pals, Ronald Regan.
Thank you in advance for taking this into consideration.
I must go now, as it's my bedtime,
Sincerely,
Bonzo
