...like water - you gotta have some every day POLITICS-SARCASM-FINE
TEQUILA-VEGAS
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by Bruce Yurgil, Mr Ashcroft 
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Quotes
"I am all for unabashed liberal Nancy Pelosi
taking over as minority leader.
Even though it will surely cause more
election losses, at least my head will be
held high rather than face down on
my desk suffering Democrats following Republicans."
-- rackjite.com
I disagree with the world "surely," but IF
we're going to lose all future elections,
I'd rather go down fighting that watching Democratic leaders
go down on the Illegal Usurper
Was
the Press involved in the death of Clinton's mother? 
Excerpt:
There is a long history of media involvement
with Mrs. Kelley. Members of the press have been seen lurking
around her ever since her son began seeking
office. Many of these same reporters were also close to JFK,
Martin Luther King, and Robert Kennedy
in the months before they were assassinated, thus raising disturbing
questions about the possibility of a link
between these events.
New questions are now being raised about
the death of former Speaker of the House Thomas (Tip) O'Neil,
who also died suddenly, just one day before
the unexpected death of Virginia Kelley. As a mathematician from
NASA might have stated, "The odds of these
two people dying within hours of each other could be as high
as a million to one." Odds like this could
raise the question of a media assassination conspiracy.
West Wing Shocker!
Bartlet
Loses to the idiot Florida governor!
Just kidding - the Bush bastards had no way to fix that election.
Documents
Reveal Enron's Clout on Energy Agenda
Enron memo gives orders to the White House on how to behave
Excerpt:
The White House must link the Democrats
to "blackouts, waste, Luddites, regulation,
government ownership, stagnation" while
positioning Bush as the agent of "abundan[ce],
efficiency, new economy, innovation, open
markets," the document said.
When Enron barked, Cheny & Bush sat up and begged.
But the B.F.E.E. knows how to return a favor - with YOUR MONEY
1 in 3 Brits say Bush is the biggest threat
Excerpt:
Bush is seen by a third of Britons as a
bigger threat to world safety than Saddam,
according to a new poll conducted by a
senior US Republican.
According to the New York Daily News, Halle
Berry "stopped short" of confirming a report
in Essence Magazine that her husband is
being treated for "sex addiction," after a string of affairs.
"The truth is...my private life faced a staggering crisis," said the shapely star.
So, let me get this straight....
This guy - Eric Benet - has Halle Berry in his bed at home...
...and he's out cruising the streets for a good-looking woman to have sex with?
Vote Fraud in America
Excerpt:
"...the election process has changed in most
venues to make it impossible for either citizen or candidate
to monitor or check anything on election
night and concern over how the votes are counted seems to
have vanished altogether. The average American
voting in 1996 is predisposed to believe the results
announced on election night. Skeptics are
asked, "Can you prove there was computer fraud?
If you can't prove it nobody's going to
listen. "
First of all, whether a citizen can prove
vote fraud is not the question The question is whether the Board
of Elections officials can prove that they
are running a verifiable election with a paper trail and checks
and balances. After all, these administrators
are supposed to be servants of the people. Instead most
of them now act as if the business of elections
is their specialty, if not their rightful monopoly.
Where the hell are the Democrats?
A few web sites can kick some dirt, but it seems like the Democrats
don't WANT to win.
Bart
- stop it!
Dubya
would never cheat us!
He's
an honest man and he's
our
president in wartime!
Ralphie the Headless on Dave last night
Geez, America is still buzzing. Yesterday, Robert
Bianco of USA Today said,
"If you quit watching The Sopranos because
it was beginning to get
a little boring, catch the repeat tonight
on HBO. You will not be bored."
Ralphie (Joe Pantoliano) told Dave that David Chase has caught
hell all season
for not having enough excitement and mob violence in the show,
so they give us
a death scene and people bitch, "Why
do you have to be so violent?"
Trust me, the minute that show ends, the Soprano producers are
logging on
to alt.tv.sopranos to bet immediate feedback
from their biggest fans.
It's like a focus group
If the show ends at 9:56, they have feedback by 10.
Dave saw another opportunity for a Monica joke.
He said, "Ralphie was killed and decapitated
on Sunday's Sopranos,"
and the crowd let loose a roar that was bigger than whatever
you thought it was.
"Ralphie has the most famous head since the Clinton Administration."
Hell, at least that was a joke.
Sometimes, Dave sees the word "desk" in a news story and twists
that
into a Clinton joke.
News
Al Gore on Dave Friday.
Hey, don't laugh.
Dave's better than Tim the Whore and people believe Dave when
he speaks.
Dave is highly paid, but he's nobody's whore.
El Vulgaro, Laura, Harvey - they'll say any goddamn thing for
$1000.
Dave says what's on his mind - he's not reading from the Scaife
fax.
The stuff Dave did with 9-11, then Rudy, then Clinton, then Hillary...
Tim the Whore and his grab-ass comrads at Fox News have some
nasty agenda.
I know I'm from Mars, but Dave and Jon Stewart are kinda leading
the way, right?
I'd trust either of them before I'd trust network news.
Also - someone remind me to remind you about
"Who's
on cape?" for Paul Friday.
Will Al Gore bring the
cape out to comfort Paul?
Shame in Oklahoma
Geez, it never stops here in the 1800's Dust Bowl.
For some reason, the voters rejected the gubernatorial
candidacy of Steve Largent,
who's a good and decent man, but he's severely and totally religiously-insane.
But they rewarded that prick Jim Inhofe (R-Bastard) who
is the most petty, bottom-feeding,
no-account, religious-faking, swindling, crookedest scumbag we've
ever sent to Washington.
Post-election analsys says Brad Henry, the Democrat, beat Largent
because
Largent was brave enough to come out against cock-fighting!
The Democrat won by 7,000 votes, which came from the southern
part of the state,
where the cock do most of their fighting.
Oh, the shame - the horror!
In Oklahoma, even the Democrats are pro-cock-fighting?
Quotes
"They say people get the government they deserve,
but I don't recall knife-raping
any retarded nuns."
-- someone saw it on TheOnion.com
Marty always has good stuff!
It's getting worser and worser
I'm watching West Wing last night, and Josh's girl (she's
smart!) warns him that
he'd better do "X" and "Y," right away because he'd be in big
trouble if he didn't.
Josh says to her,
"Angry House Democrats?
I'm shivering! ...hold
my hand?"
That's what we gotta live with until some Democrat stand the hell up.
How many times must the DNC hear, "...no-backbone, ...pink tutu, ...spineless wimps," before they act?
Hey, maybe it's because I'm in Oklahoma, but here, you never even
get
to the third insult.
Once you say, "You lying bastard..."
there's blood on the ground.
Maybe these Democrats are waiting for some friffle-shirted Frenchie
to slap them with a glove?
Boy, if I had a staff, we'd gather names and sign petitions that
the first man or woman who stands up and says,
"No, Mr. Bush, we're not going to help you
steal that oil," then we'd all vote for him or something
... I need a drink
Subject: Loyalty
Bartcop
Why is it when a repug get caught with his
pants down, the rest of the repugs
circle the wagons, and say it is a liberal
plot to discredit a noble man.
When a Democrat gets caught with his pants
down, the rest of the
Democrats join with the repugs, and kick
him in the balls?
Dale
Dale, Democrats are scared little ninnies - afraid of their own
shadow.
They don't have the courage or the brains to help themselves.
Sometimes it's tough being in a party of disloyal rabbits.
For some reason, Rush has been on this
"They say we want to starve
the children and poison the water and
the air," kick, and he can't get up.
For the newer readers - a reminder.
When Newt and his Merry Men got to Washington in January 1995,
the VERY FIRST
thing they did was decrease funding for the school lunch program.
Liberals pointed out that
some kids only get one hot meal a day, and that's at school.
Cutting their only hot meal wouldn't
exactly starve the children, not overnight, anyway. But
it's interesting that out of the thousands
of options the GOP had to cut back on government spending, they
went after those children first.
And when Bush stole the White House, what did he do first?
No, I mean after they claimed Clinton trashed the place
and stole all the furniture...
The first thing Bush did was reverse the strict standards for
clean drinking water.
The second thing he did was ask BIG POLLUTION if they would help
Karl Rove
re-write the laws concerning dumping tons of toxic waste into
our fresh air, ther bastards.
So when Rush starts whing about "starving
the kids and poisoning the air and water,"
just remember that those charges are true.
Squeeeeeeeeel!!!
BartCop is lying!
Squeeeeeeeeel!!!
That never happened!
Squeeeeeeeeel!!!
I'm the Turnpig of Truth
Squeeeeel!!!
The Best of bartcop.com
I got an e-mail from Toni
asking what we had planned for upcoming Issue 1000.
She suggested a "Best Of" issue with the bits from the
past 925 issues, and she volunteered
to receive, colate and compile the best stuff from waaay back
when bartcop.com was funny.
If you saw a good or funny piece send the name of it and the issue # it was in to Toni at
If you want your name listed (or not) mention that to her, too.
Laura the Unloved
11:20 K-Drag time, Laura just destroyed a 19-year old twit of
a girl.
She had her sobbing for a while, then, after she was totally
broken,
Laura said, "Let me hear you say, 'I
don't have a Dad, and I'm not going to find one.'"
The poor, sobbing airhead couldn't get the words out - Laura kept
hammering.
"Let me hear you - 'I don't have a Dad, and
I'm not going to find one.'"
She tried again - couldn't get the words to come out.
Laura kept hammering,"C'mon - say it!!
'I don't have a Dad, and I'm not going to find one.'"
After four tries, she got the first part out, "I... ...I, ...don't have ....a Dad..."
Laura kept hammering, "Keep going, ...and...?
...and...?
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she spits out "...and
I'm not going to find one."
Having totally broken the poor airhead, the entertainment value
gone, Laura dumps her.
"You see how hard that was? You need a lot
of work, Honey. Next up is ...Jim!"
I imagine the LA cops will find her body floating in some river,
but hey!
As long as Laura entertains her audience, that's important, right?
Did
God tell them to steal the votes?
by Faun Otter
Excerpt:
Not only are the party political affiliations
of the ES&S and Diebold senior staff and owners
obviously all Republican BUT there is
another common link: The Republicans who are supported
by the owners and staff of these companies
are not just standard issue conservative Republicans
... they are Christian Reconstructionists.
Subject: Hackers hack horse races, why not the election?
Bart,
Just a quick rhetorical question: If a few
thirty-somethings had the
know-how to break into a secure computer
system and change the
results of a horse race recently, why would
anyone think GOP operatives
couldn't hack into touch screen voting
machines and manipulate the outcome?
Just wondering.
L.L.U.
Upstate New York
This
is Field Marshall Ashcroft.
Send
somebody to hack into BartCop's computer and get
the
home and work address of this LLU fella. Then we need
a secret
torture chopper in upstate New York as soon as possible.
This
LLU fella needs a rodent in his rectum - some Roto-Rooter Ashcroft-style.
Boycott
the Media
by Mark Sanders
Excerpt:
The time is coming soon, I think, when
the national news media will actually wear
party hats and drink champagne as they
gleefully announce Republican electoral victories.
They're not far from it now, with their
all-right pundit panels and smirking grins and constant
repetition of Karl Rove's script. As Democrats,
we should realize by now that the media is
completely in control of wealthy conservatives
whose only goal is to spread their neofascist agenda.
November ad special
Ten ads for just $300
You can have every Wednesday, Thursday or Friday.
...and weekends are half-price!
Don't wait, first come, first served.
Reach dozens with your message.
Touch
Screens can be rigged to cheat and it's undetectable
My Husband has a patent on popular voting machine
Excerpt:
Are we smart to allow voting machines we
can't verify?
Would we be naive to trust voting machines
we cannot audit? Would we be naive and
insane to trust them if their owner is
a man who is as anti-democratic as the Mullah Omar?
What would motivate a man who has made his
life's work the replacement of current federal
and state law with a narrow interpretation
of Biblical law to own the lion's share of the nation's
largest voting equipment company?
Bush promised to get bin Laden.
He vowed "to bring him to justice or bring
justice to him."
That's why his approval numbers went to the high eighties.
That was 417
days ago ...and counting
.
Jesus, 5 billion in tax breaks?
All I got was a $300 loan.
bartcop.com is worth $5
a month
bartcop.com is not worth $5 a month, because ___________.
us with your ideas for how much Bartcop Radio could suck.
You rich Hollywood gazzilionaires Click
Here to donate large.
You
Are a Suspect
by William Safire (R-Liar, but willing to take on Bush)
Excerpt:
If the Homeland Security Act is not amended
before passage, here is what will happen to you:
Every purchase you make with a credit card,
every magazine subscription you buy and medical prescription you fill,
every Web site you visit and e-mail you
send or receive, every academic grade you receive, every bank deposit
you make, every trip you book and every
event you attend — all these transactions and communications will go
into what the Defense Department describes
as "a virtual, centralized grand database."
This is not some far-out Orwellian scenario.
It is what will happen to your personal freedom
in the next few weeks if John Poindexter
gets the unprecedented power he seeks.
...and Poindexter (R-Iran-Contra) is a convicted felon, but he's
a friend of the B.F.E.E.,
so he has this incredible power over all of us - until Bush says
"there
is no more terra."
Minnesota's
Shame
by Garrison Keillor
Excerpt:
Thus the use of Iraq as an election ploy,
openly, brazenly, from the president and Karl Rove
all the way down to Norman Coleman, who
came within an inch of accusing Wellstone of being
an agent of al-Qaida. To do that one day
and then, two days later, to feign grief and claim the
dead Wellstone's mantle and carry on his
"passion and commitment" is simply too much for a
decent person to stomach. It goes beyond
the ordinary roughhouse of politics. To accept it
and grin and shake the son of a bitch's
hand is to ignore what cannot be ignored if you want
your grandchildren to grow up in a country
like the one that nurtured and inspired you.
Wow!
Take away his Clinton-bashing and Keillor sounds a little like
Ol' Bart
Ho...
ho...
ho!
Doing some
Christmas shopping online?
Use the portal below
and they'll throw bartcop.com a nickel.
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