Here is the plan:
Let Bush govern the red states, and Kerry rule
the blue.
Since the deficit is a Republican creation and
by nature is in the red, they get to keep that, too.
We (the blue states) will revert to the Clinton-era
budget surplus, and will be happy to retain the UN
[which they don't want anyway] and protect the
coasts and re-open the dialogue with the rest of the world.
Cheney can go back home to Wyoming and the Republican capitol can be in Topeka.
Conservatives will be required to migrate to Montana,
Wyoming, and the other red states where they can
thrash around to their hearts' content and defend
themselves against Canada and Mexico. They will all be
in the National Guard, which will be run by the
experts in Swift Boat Veterans, and will continue to
be paid less than enlisted troops for the same
work.
Morally correct assault rifles will be distributed
by NRA Family Values, Inc, which will neither require nor
allow body armor since they are all faith-based,
and, after all, Bush told Pat Robertson there would be no
casualties, and as he said in his April press
conference, he can't think of any mistakes he's ever made.
We get the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines,
whose Pentagon leaders didn't want to go to Iraq as
insisted by the administration.
If Colin Powell promises to be good, he can stay, too.
They get to finish up with Iraq since they started
it and are doing such a splendid job of winning hearts
and minds and demonstrating how democracy works
and how to run prisons over there.
We blues, on the other hand, will look for Osama, and keep the FBI and CIA since Bush is firing them all anyway.
They can have the 10 commandments posted throughout
the red states, where each gas fill-up will begin with
prayer, but they can't subscribe to the NY Times
or listen to NPR.
They can have Fox News and CNN and all of the
textbooks that have replaced the theory of evolution
with creation science and astrology.
We will continue with The West Wing and they can have Joan of Arcadia, and The Power of Prayer Hour.
They will practice abstinence and back alley abortions;
the blues will have sex education, birth control, and condoms.
However, we will continue to export the Cialis
girl commercials and Viagra to the red states to allow them to
demonstrate how to deal with temptation.
We keep Las Vegas, and all of Tahoe, since they went entirely blue, but they can have Reno.
They get no Heinz ketchup and, of course, no French fries, French Toast, and no stem cells.
We will keep E Pluribus Unum [Bush is still trying
to get this translated, along with the 10,000 hours of Taliban tapes
that the FBI is sitting on], and the Republican
national motto will be Cheney's infamous epithet, "F--you!" which has
worked so well for them in Europe and at home.
This will be moderated to "F-- you, under God" by the Catholic church.
Fox News, Limbaugh, and Bill O'Reilly will move
to Kansas and anchor their evening news and church
services until the clergy get out on parole.
Wisconsin will represent the left wing of the Republican nation and Cheney's daughter will move there.
The Bishop of Boston and all of the holy ones
suspected of child molestation or related cover-ups will be relocated
to Idaho where they can practice marriage ceremonies
between two priests, one of whom must be in drag.
Notice that Hawaii is among the blue states despite Cheney's visit there, so we will be honored to keep it.
Republicans can vacation in Florida.