"Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth - to see it like it is,
 and tell it like it is - to find the truth, to speak the truth, and to live  the truth."
     - Richard M. Nixon
 
 Imagine the thoughts that pass through the mind of the fool who leaps the
 White House gates and charges the Residence.  A fellow named Robert Pickett
 did this some months ago, managing to squeeze off a few rounds at the
 building before getting cut down by a Secret Service bullet.
 
 Clearly, he was not paying attention before he bolted.  When you stand
 outside the White House on any given day, the sense that a thousand eyes
 are watching is overpoweringly present.  The roofs of surrounding buildings
 hold cameras, sharpshooters and in all likelihood stockpiles of heavier artillery.
 The glass bubble on the roof of the Residence is clearly occupied, and has
 sight lines in all directions.  The lawn of the White House itself is littered with
 obstacles, and arranged so defenders have a sweeping field of fire.
 
 Getting into the White House requires a process that puts one in mind of the
 Biblical story describing the difficulty involved in stuffing a camel through the
 eye of a needle.  The lead in a pencil is enough to set off the metal detectors,
 and all bags are thoroughly searched.  Secret Service moles come in with
 many tours, watching everything.  Men in flak jackets patrol visibly.
 
 The White House is in all likelihood the most secure building on the face of
 the earth.  Yet today, it's doors are bolted.  The public has been barred,
 we are told, to defend against terrorist attacks.

 The same people, most notably the President, who are now barricaded inside
 what was once called the People's House are the same propagandists who
 are urging Americans to get back to normal, to shop, and to fly on airplanes.
 The President himself will soon appear in television commercials extolling
 the joys of commercial airline travel.
 
 Last week, under heavy duress, Bush signed into law legislation that places
 airline security under limited Federal control.  Tens of thousands of current
 security employees must be screened, retrained or fired. Thousands of new
 Federal security officers must also undergo extensive training.  Millions of
 dollars worth of bomb-detection equipment needs to be built from scratch
 and delivered to thousands of airport security checkpoints.  Any true
 security to be derived from this compromise bill will not settle into place
 for well over a year.
 
 The President implores us to fly, to spend our money on plane tickets and
 board airplanes made naked by the lack of any true security, thanks in no
 small part to decades of willful neglect on the part of an airline industry that
 will take your money to the bank and deposit it next to the bailout they
 received from our tax dollars.  The fortress that is the White House is closed,
 and the people who closed it 'for security reasons' beg us to use totally unsafe
 airplanes that not only stand unprotected, but are apparently prone to
 shivering into slivers, as evidenced by American flight 587.
 
 'Wake Turbulence,' we are told, caused the Rockaway crash.  There are some
 3,000 Airbus-style aircraft currently in use in the commercial aviation fleet.
 If passing into the wake of an airplane that took off two minutes previous can
 shear both engines and the tail off an Airbus, the land surrounding the crowded
 airspace of a dozen airports would be littered with the hulks of crashed airplanes.
 
 Something seems amiss, but no matter.  The President wants us to fly.
 Secure in his bunker, he's positive it is safe.  Yet his House is still shuttered.
 The assumption is that, despite security measures of unparalleled seamlessness,
 it is impossible to protect the White House from terrorist threats.  No wonder
 Bush was so dead set against Federalizing airline security.  Thousands of Federal
 agents cannot even protect his relatively small house.  What a low opinion of his
 protectors he must have.
 
 Perhaps his concerns are justified.  After all, someone could conceivably
 pierce the White House security veil with an envelope filled with anthrax
 and release it throughout the Residence.  This could be achieved far more
 easily in an airline terminal or aircraft, but that's apparently beside the point.
 
 Besides, Bush has little to fear from anthrax.  It only got close to him that one time
 because poisoned letters meant to assassinate Senate Democrats passed through
 the same post office as his personal correspondence.  Whoever is sending the
 letters seems a political ally of Bush, considering the choice of targets thus far.
 This must make him feel even safer in his House.  Still, it remains closed.
 
 Just to be sure no anthrax is accidentally mailed to the Republican administration
 ensconced at 1600 Pennsylvania, Attorney General Ashcroft has set the mighty
 wheels of justice rolling towards A Crazed Loner somewhere in New Jersey.
 Be on the watch for him, whoever he is.  If you hear him muttering imprecations
 about Daschle or Leahy, immediately report it to authorities.
 
 On no account allow this person anywhere near a Planned Parenthood clinic,
 lest another 170 threatening letters arrive on their doorstep.  The women who
 run those establishments, who go there to monitor the health of their unborn
 children, who go there for affordable gynecological care, do not like to be
 threatened within the walls of these constitutionally protected establishments.
 
 Ashcroft, Ridge and Bush have done well to secure hypersecret credible
 evidence linking bin Laden and Al Qaeda to the Taliban, Iraq, Sudan,
 Somalia, the Philippines, and some 60 other nations around the world.
 The  Crazed Loner sending anthrax to Democrats and other liberal
 touchstones proves far more elusive a target.  Perhaps the administration
 has been too focused on overthrowing the judiciary, suspending Posse
 Comitatus, and cracking the intrusive restrictions outlined in the 4th, 6th
 and 13th Amendments to the Constitution to actively follow that trail.
 
 Such work takes time and a disciplined focus, you see.  Once a few more
 assassination attempts against Democrats pass by, rest assured that vigorous
 action will be taken.  After all, considering the targets, it is conceivable
 that Mr. Ashcroft has the telephone numbers of several potential Crazed
 Loner suspects in his personal address book.  Once he cracks that sucker
 open, we'll see some real decisive movement.
 
 Have a happy Thanksgiving, America.  Be secure in the belief that all is
 well in hand.  Get on those airplanes and fly, fly, fly.  Be sure to catch those
 fabulous sales once the turkey has settled.  Have no fear.

 Don't come to Washington D.C., though.
 If the President cannot feel safe in his own home there,
 it is probably a good place to avoid.