Reluctant to become a partisan in the "culture
wars" being fought on the nation’s talk shows
and editorial pages? There really are only two
ways: Either get rid of the TV altogether or,
equally unlikely in a nation of self-dramatizing
soreheads, tighten up that pouting lower lip
and enjoy the comedy. See, it’s all just another
TV show, as stylized in its way as professional
wrestling, a melodrama enacted by opportunists
of every variety. And I’m not simply talking
about ABC programmers who slipped an R-rated
promo for the prime-time soap opera
"Desperate Housewives" in among the gyrating
cheerleaders and babe-o-rama beer
commercials on NFL Monday night football.
I mean the whole self-promoting cast: repentant
network execs, moralizing FCC regulators,
solemn anchor-persons, fulminating TV preachers
and smartaleck newspaper columnists, too.
How could ABC be so foolish after CBS’ bad experience
with Janet Jackson’s infamous
"wardrobe malfunction" during last year’s Super
Bowl? Well, duh. The "controversy"
couldn’t have been more deliberately contrived.
How would a nation traumatized by a peek
at a washed-up pop star’s naughty bits react
to a naked blonde jumping into a handsome,
black NFL star’s arms?
Why, exactly as producers hoped. The idea was
to let the crucial Bud Light demographic
know that "Desperate Housewives" wasn’t merely
a weep-a-thon for women; it’s tasteless
enough for both sexes. Already the nation’s top-ranked
program, "Desperate Housewives"
promptly drew several million titillated new
viewers.
Now me, I’m so old that I can remember when the
most strident protests would have come
from feminists denouncing the skit as a degrading
sexist fantasy. Persons of their gender
simply don’t act as shamelessly as the saucy
minx played by actress Nicolette Sheridan.
Alas, I’ve also been on the road with professional
athletes, and it saddens me to report
that some women do.
In the real NFL, stadium security would have to
answer for letting a groupie into the
locker room. Or maybe the bimbo was supposed
to be a team owner’s trophy wife.
As in porn films, characterization was vestigial.
Blonde, towel, locker room, wide
receiver—in short, a degrading sexist fantasy
with racial overtones.
But this is 2004, so the task of helping promote
ABC’s stunt fell mainly to televangelists
and public scolds on the Republican right. Former
NFL color man Rush Limbaugh
pronounced himself shocked. "I mean, there are
some guys with their kids that sit down
to watch ‘ Monday Night Football, ’" the thrice-divorced,
pill-popping moralist announced.
On "Meet the Press," Rev. Jerry Falwell’s wattles
shook with indignation over the offense
to family values.
I’d be more impressed with the indignation of
Limbaugh, Falwell and pundits of their ilk
but for their gleeful participation in the Clinton
Impeachment Follies when, thanks to them
and the psalm-singing judicial pornographer Kenneth
Starr, the phrase "oral sex" was
repeated on TV roughly every 20 seconds for the
edification of every child in America.
No recent event has done more to coarsen public
discourse or contribute to the
inappropriate sexualization of children.
This is not to ignore Bill Clinton’s own extravagant
folly, but it wasn’t his idea to turn his
intimate sins into a 24/7 TV melodrama. It was
his political enemies’, all of whom thought
humiliating him and promoting themselves more
important than the public virtue they now
so piously declaim.
In connection with a documentary of Joe Conason’s
and my book "The Hunting of the
President," I once asked Falwell, on camera,
if the biblical commandment against bearing
false witness was a lesser sin than the other
nine. At issue was the televangelist’s promotion
of "The Clinton Chronicles," a video portraying
the president of the United States as a
cocaine-snorting drug lord and worse. Falwell
replied that he had no idea if the allegations
in the video were true or false, a "Clintonian"
evasion if ever one was.
And people call Michael Moore irresponsible!
Next time you ponder "liberal bias," ask yourself
if a left-winger connected with a project
which intimated that President Bush had his political
rivals murdered would be a frequent
guest on CNN and "Meet the Press." But hey, sex
sells, as everybody involved in this
solemn farce understands. It sells beer, it sells
whatever products they’re pitching on
"Desperate Housewives" and it helps sell salvation,
too. If not, televangelists would rail
against something else. Almost as interesting
as what excites would-be censors is what
doesn’t: "The Young and the Restless," " The
Bold and the Beautiful" and other daytime
soaps, whose nubile characters devote their entire
lives to seduction, betrayal and hopping
in and out of bed. But Momma don’t like nobody
messing with her stories, so nobody does.
That said, for once Limbaugh’s right: Half-naked
cheerleaders and beer-ad cuties
notwithstanding, a man and his kid ought to be
able to watch a ball game without both
getting embarrassed by a hoochie-coochie show.
• Free-lance columnist Gene Lyons is a Little
Rock author and recipient
of the National Magazine Award.