I'm in Bill Clinton's head as he reads the morning
papers. I arrive just as Clinton turns to the story saying that
Elliott Abrams has been named the Bush administration's
Middle East honcho. A blast of white heat engulfs me.
"Can you believe that?" I hear him say. "Elliott
Abrams. The same guy who twice lied to Congress. He pleaded
guilty to withholding information from a Senate
committee and then a House committee. The only reason he
wasn't strung up for perjury is that he wasn't
under oath - a distinction without much of a difference.
"This guy could have taught me some lessons. He
was asked if the Reagan administration had solicited a $10 million
loan from the sultan of Brunei for the Nicaraguan
Contras. He said the report was 'false.' Later, he said the answer
was technically correct because the money hadn't
yet arrived. It's all a matter of tense - a case of what you mean by 'is.'
"The second lie was even more of a jaw-dropper.
He denied that the Reagan administration was helping the Contras.
I just looked up what he said. 'It's not our
supply system.' But it was their supply system. And Congress had passed
a law forbidding aid to the Contras. He broke
the law. He lied about it. He got convicted, and then he got a
presidential pardon from Pappa Bush.
"I don't get it. I lied about sex, which, of course,
wasn't really sex anyway, and I got impeached for it. All these
Republicans were jumping up and down, saying
my case wasn't really about sex, but about the rule of law.
No man can be above the law. Yeah, right! But
no man tells the truth about sex, either.
"You know what Abrams said later, in his book?
He was the victim of an overzealous prosecutor. What does he
know about an overzealous prosecutor? Keyhole
Ken Starr took a bogus sexual harassment charge by Paula Jones
and turned it into a capital crime. Abrams was
prosecuted by one of Santa's elves.
"This really frazzles me. Where's Henry Hyde bellowing
about how the government can't function if officials don't
tell the truth? 'Truth-telling is the heart and
soul of our justice system,' he told the House when they were trying to
lynch me. Well, what about truth-telling when
it comes to Abrams?
"And what about Tom DeLay, that sanctimonious
hypocrite? He and Hyde are in Congress, the very body that
Abrams lied to. Not a peep, though. So it isn't
just about truth. It's about ideology and politics. These guys will get
on the radio with Oliver North or Gordon Liddy,
but they only care about truth, honesty and the American way
when a Democrat's involved. Republicans can lie,
but Democrats can't.
"I guess it's a rule, but I don't like it.
"I know what they're gonna say: that I lied to
protect myself. It was selfish. Abrams lied to protect a secret policy.
That was noble. But you can't allow government
officials to decide for themselves when to lie and when to tell the truth.
They all gotta tell the truth, especially to
Congress.
"Bush ran on this platform of moral purity. Then
he turns around as President and chooses liars for high government
positions, and no one says a peep. I'm waitin'
on those hyperventilating hypocrites on talk TV to say something.
The country's about to go to war on little more
than the President's word. Maybe he won't lie. But he's hired
people who have.
"I should have been born a Republican. It's even better than being in love. You never, ever, have to say you're sorry."