No one could have predicted that Geraldo Rivera would jump from CNBC
to Fox
in order to become a war correspondent -- just days before the war
suddenly ended.
Nobody, that is, except Nostradamus (1503-1566), the French physician
and astrologist
known for his uncannily accurate prophecies. In recently discovered
writings by the noted seer,
Nostradamus predicts Rivera's boneheaded career move in the following
passage:
"Geraldo Rivera will make the dopiest decision of his career,
going to Afghanistan to cover the war just days before it suddenly
ends."
"What a bogus jerk," Nostradamus continues.
While the exact meaning of the passage is, to some extent, open to interpretation,
Nostramaus scholars do not question its authenticity.
"It's highly unusual for Nostradamus to single out someone by name and
call him a bogus jerk,"
said Dr. Thomas Crogan of the University of Minnesota. "But let's face
it, Geraldo was asking for it."
Dr. Crogan was somewhat taken aback by the ferocity of Nostradamus's attack on Geraldo, however.
"Nostradamus really rips him a new one," Dr. Crogan said.
Dr. Crogan went on to say that there is a precedent for Nostradamus
to question the wisdom
of a celebrity's dubious career moves.
"In another famous passage, he criticizes Suzanne Somers for leaving
'Three's Company'
while the show was still in the top ten," he said. "Once again, Nostradamus
was right."
Returning to Afghnaistan after a holiday break, Geraldo Rivera had no
immediate comment
on the shocking Nostradamus revelations.
But the erstwhile war correspondent did indicate that, in keeping with
the country's new
peacetime footing, he would no longer be carrying a gun as had been
widely publicized,
carrying instead a portable espresso machine, a Bose Wave radio, and
a nose-hair trimmer
from The Sharper Image.
**** NEW YEAR'S EVE: BOROWITZ ON CNN ****
Andy Borowitz wraps up the year's news stories this New Year's Eve
on CNN's "Greenfield At Large."
11 PM EST, check local listings for details.
HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM THE BOROWITZ REPORT
Dot-Comedy Award Winner - 2001
Best Humor Columnist on the Net