As the sun sets on Bill Clinton's presidency, it is easy to give in to
                  sentimentalizing, to legacy-assessing, to speculating about his future: Will he
                  run for Senate or host his own talk show? Will he putter around his rutabaga
                  garden in fuzzy house slippers? Where will he take his first date?

                  Excuse me, Matt, but Bill Clinton is a married man.
                  The only married politican who openly dated was Newt Gingrich.
                  Everyone who read  bartcop.com  around Christmas of 1998 knew Gingrich
                  was taking his girlfriend to hotels and charging it to his AMEX card.

                  ...but the media covered for him and never had to explain why.

                  As journalists plumb for answers to these important questions,

                  ha ha
                  "these important questions" Where will he take his first date?
                  Your cock-obsession has clouded your small mind, Matt.

                  ...the most distinctive contingent of the Clinton era has been grossly neglected.
                  They come in all shapes and hair colors, some of them without benefit of bleach or
                  surgical enhancement. They've started websites and written tell-all books.
                  They do nude spreads and penance, and one of them even did time.
                  They've been hookers and housewives and ladies all.
                  They are the Women Of the Clinton Scandals (WOCS).

                  Are you going to make a point?
                  Where are your hands right at this second, Matt?
                  Are they south of the border and sticky?

                  In the interest of catching up and making sense of the last eight years, we
                  called some WOCS to take one last lap around infamy's track. Space
                  considerations necessitate limiting ourselves to a representative sample.
                  Besides, as of late, no one's seen much of Sally Perdue (the former Miss Arkansas
                  who was threatened after disclosing the ugly particulars of her affair with Clinton
                   —such as his "wearing my black nightgown, playing the sax badly").

                  Sally Perdue?
                  Never heard of her.
                  Former Miss Arkansas, you say?
                  Never heard of her.
                  Who did she say threatened her?
                  Was it an unknown voice on the phone?
                  Is that what her no-proof claim was?

                  And neither were we able to contact Gennifer Flowers, currently traveling with her husband,
                  the unfortunately named Finis Shelnutt.

                  You might check the Malvern, Arkansas Days Inn.
                  Last I heard, she was doing two shows nightly with her per snake, Sparky.

 .................

                  Since Flowers has abandoned her Gennifer's Girls Interactive Cybersex Service,

                  ha ha What a no-class slut Flowers is.

                  ...she's stayed busy on her website selling "Presidente" cigars, her tell-too-much book
                  ("Willard" and "Precious" were their pet names for each other's privates), and pictures of herself.
                  When not engaging in presidential commerce, the cabaret veteran has brought the gift of song to an
                  international audience and lectured on "Surviving Sex, Power and Propaganda" at the Oxford Union.

                  Matt, why would Flower's claim that she and Bill had nicknames for each other's privates
                  be of concern to you, and worthy of mention in your highly-intelligent column?
                  Smirk paid for an abortion for a 15-year old girl, which is a felony,
                  and that's not worth writing about, but "Willard and Precious" is?
                  You're a sick fuck, Matt.

                  There are also WOCS who are attempting to rise above the past. These days,
                   Monica Lewinsky will only talk about the Big Creep to a federal grand jury.

                  I can't let that go by without reminding people of that which you want hidden and forgotten.
                  She called him "Big Creep" because he REFUSED to have sex with her.
                  I know you can't mention that, Matt, because your column is so fact-free,
                  but shouldn't you skirt around the truth just a little bit?

                  Still, there are other WOCS with stories to tell (and with listed phone numbers).
                  In the beginning, there was Connie Hamzy, the infamous rock' n' roll groupie
                  (who claims a résumé stretching from Vanilla Ice to Richard Carpenter) and the first
                  of candidate Clinton's extramarital headaches. In the January 1992 Penthouse, Hamzy
                  detailed her 1984 encounter with Governor Clinton,

                  There you go again - treating wild-ass claims as facts.
                  Did Penthouse publish pictures of the union?
                  What makes you think the two even met?
                 Any woman can make any claim, knowing scum like you will elevate their claims to "fact" status.

                  ...when he tried to pick her up in her skimpy purple bikini at a Little Rock hotel pool.
                  After stealing a quick grope, they were unable to find an available room, and their session
                  went unconsummated. As Newsweek reported, Hillary Clinton wanted to destroy
                  Hamzy's credibility, such as it was (Hamzy boasted of taking on 24 guys during a single
                  Allman Brothers concert). But Hamzy, who passed a polygraph test administered by the
                  American Spectator, persuasively declared, "I may be a slut, but I'm no liar."

                  The American Spectator?  They started the whole Paula Jones lie, then their reporter,
                  David Brock, admitted Scaiife paid him to fabricate that hit piece.

                  Since her disclosure, it's been tough going for the woman Grand Funk
                  Railroad immortalized in song as "Sweet Sweet Connie." In 1995, she was
                  cited by police in a Little Rock park after her thong bikini failed to conceal
                  her sufficiently. In 1998, her campaign for mayor of Little Rock
                  self-destructed when she was arrested for public intoxication. To support her
                  groupie habit, she's worked a string of dead-end jobs from part-time retail
                  clerk to breeder of Persian cats. So it's understandable she grows agitated
                  when I ask her for a Clinton assessment. "What's in it for me?" she asks.
                  "Free publicity," I offer. "I can't eat publicity," she snarls. "I'm not talking
                  unless you're talking money. Call me again, and I'll call Bruce Lindsey at the
                  White House." I try to explain that Lindsey only intimidates people who've
                  had sexual contact with Clinton, which, as of this writing, excludes me. But
                  she abruptly hangs up.

                  It's so hard to believe this passes for journalism in the world's only superpower.
                  Total horseshit fabrication from the get-go.
                 This is what we get from the Weekly Standard, (Fred Barnes, Senior Whore)
 

                  Celebrating the miracle of airbrushing, Paula Jones has, in its latest issue,
                  joined Sweet Connie in the Penthouse pantheon with a multi-page layout
                  and an accompanying interview in which she denounces conservatives who
                  used her harassment charge for political ends. While Jones did not respond
                  to interview requests, her estranged husband Steve did. A failed actor and
                  airline ticketing agent, Steve had the first inkling their marriage was going
                  south after Paula jeopardized her credibility by lending her name to the
                  Celebrity Psychic Network.

                  ha ha
                  "jeopardized her credibility?"
                  From where did she get credibility to jeopardize?
                  The 700 Club?

                  Less remorseful is Dolly Kyle Browning, the spunky Dallas real estate
                  attorney with self-described "sea-mist green eyes" who was outed during
                  impeachment as one of Clinton's paramours.

                  She was not "outed."
                  Like all the women in this story, (except for Sally Perdue...) Dolly ran into
                  the spotlight screaming, "Look at me, me, me, me, me, me."
                  That's hardly being "outed."

                  Not just any paramour, mind you, like the "12-year one night stand" that Browning
                  says Clinton conducted with Flowers. Browning has known Clinton since they were children,
                  and says that as a pair of sex addicts (she's in recovery),

                  ha ha
                  She needs to join a truth recovery program.

                  ...they had a 30-year multi-dimensional relationship

                  And she documented this 30-year affair by...

                  ...which she has detailed in her self-published Purposes of the Heart.

                  Self-published?
                  Self-published?
                  That means she couldn't even get a fool like you to believe it, Matt.
                  All books about Clinton'c cock go triple-platinum the first week.
                  If the red-meat cock-hunters wouldn't buy it, why would you?

                  Two non-consensual WOCS who are more liberal with their Clinton criticisms are
                  Kathleen Willey and Juanita Broaddrick, allegedly pawed and raped, respectively.

                  Wait, I'm curious - Why would YOU use a word like "allegedly?"
                  This is Clinton's cock you're obsessing over.
                  You don't have to use "allegedly" when discussing Clinton's cock.
                  All Clinton's cock allegations are true, didn't you know?

                  Willey is now happily remarried after filing bankruptcy as a result of debts incurred by her
                  first husband, who committed suicide on the day of her Clinton encounter.

                  Matt, you missed a spot.
                  Why haven't you blamed Clinton for her husband's suicide?
                  You're not real sharp, are you, boy?
                  No wonder nobody's ever heard of you before.
                   You leave soooooo much on the table...

                  After being systematically harassed by anonymous tormentors who, among other things,

                  "anonymous" tormentors?
                  There you go again.
                  Why would you pass up a chance to say "White House goons?"

                  ...stole her cat and threatened her children, after being demonized by
                  administration soldiers who leaked her private correspondence,

                  No, they didn't "leak" anything - they released it.
                  If someone writes me a letter, I don't leak it - I publish it.
                  Why would you use the word "leak?"
                  Because is sounds more sinister?
                  Like "outed?"

                  ...and after developing a nasty case of stress-related shingles, Willey has dropped her
                  lawsuit against the administration. "What they did was wrong," says Willey.
                  "But this will take years in court with the Clintons, and I just don't have the stomach
                  to be in the same room with those people anymore."

                  Tell the truth, Kathleen.
                  After Larry Klayman used you for his lawsuit photo-op, he dumped you.
                  C'mon, Kathleen - can't you tell the truth if you try?

                  Of all those she resents, Hillary is foremost. "She put a lot of this stuff in motion. She put
                  Sid Blumenthal out there," says Willey. The $8 million book deal Hillary secured is especially
                  irksome to Willey, who was once accused by Clinton lackeys of trying to turn a quick literary
                  buck (which she never attempted).

                  Horseshit!
                  I printed the transcript of her meeting with the publisher.
                  I'll try to find that.

                  "You know what that book's going to be?" asks Willey.
                  "It's going to be page after page of lies." Willey adds that "she'll write that like she wrote
                  the book on entertaining [the first lady's recent offering, An Invitation to the White House].
                  Give me a break.  I worked in that social office. Hillary Clinton's expertise you could fit in
                  the head of a thimble —she doesn't know a dessert spoon from a soup spoon."

                  ha ha

                  Two years ago, Juanita Broaddrick claimed that she was raped in 1978 by Clinton, who bit her lip
                  until it was swollen then told her before leaving, "You better put some ice on that."

                  Whoops - you did it again, Matt.
                  You used the word ""claimed."
                  You need to get with the program, boy.
                  Everything bad about Clinton is a fact, didn't you know?

                  Broaddrick's life has returned to normal: tennis matches, tending to the animals on her
                  Van Buren, Ark., spread, gathering her nursing home business's records for the mysterious
                  tax audit that seems to come the way of many of the WOCS.

                  Remember, on Survivor, one of the girls was wanted on bad-check charges and the cops
                  couldn't find her. BUT, after she ran into the national spotlight and became a celebrity
                  the cops noticed and the wheels of justice started turning.
                  Using your logic, Survivor turned her in, right?

                  Maybe if allllllllllll these women would stop running into the national spotlight with their
                  no-proof claims screaming. "Look at me, me, me, me, me,"  their lives might not have
                  the ups and downs they've had recently.

                  Broaddrick, who believed finally coming forward would lead to Clinton's removal from office,
                 says she is partly to blame that the controversy blew over (Clinton left his denial to his lawyer
                  and hasn't addressed it since). "I should've come forward sooner," she says.

                  Two things: I realize it's hard-to-impossible to put yourself in the mind of a rape victim,
                  but did you know Juanita never even told her husband about this "rape?"
                  How can a woman come home, beat to hell with a swollen lip, eyes all puffy from
                  crying hysterically and her husband not ask, "What's wrong?"

                  Then, months or perhaps even a year after her tearful tell-all with backdoor Lisa Myers
                  (slut, slut, slut) Juanita remember the SECOND rape Clinton out her through.
                  And whores like Rush, Laura and Bill Bennett can't figure out why N.O.W refuses
                  to support these lying golddiggers in their quest to win the lottery.

                  On the whole, Broaddrick says her disclosure has been beneficial to her
                  marriage and mental health. Still, whenever she sees Clinton on television,
                  "There's just a hatred. I want to go through the TV screen and strangle the
                  man. I just wish he'd be removed from public sight, but I feel like he's going
                  to stay active and try to get Hillary elected president in 2004."

                                  By Matt Labash

                  Remember the criticism Professor Anita Hill took for "following" Slappy the Wonder Judge
                  to a job opportunity?  Compare what Professor Hill did to this army of women who've made
                  millions dedicating them careers to Clinton's cock. Talk about professional victims.
                  And the carnival media invites them to make the talk show circuit so they each can
                  recount their "terrible ordeals" to Rush, O'Reilly, Hannity, Zahn, the Beltway Boys,
                  Hume, Snow, Williams, Liason, McLaughlin, Matthews, Will, Liddy, Laura the Unloved,
                  Medved, Sam, Cokie, Judas, Schieffer, Russert, Hockenberry, Novak, North, Weyrich,
                  Wolf, Schneider, Crowley, Stossel, Kurtz, Olsen, Coulter, Regan, Ingraham, Noonan,
                  Sullivan, Jacoby, Chavez, Charen and that prick William Safire.

                  Matt, you're a whore, now get outta here.