At times like these, it's important to talk about history.  History are
facts of the past.  And now the past is over.  My administration will be
retroactive -- we will look ahead to the past.

I have the uppermost respect for dead presidents.  In environmental matters,
I will take as my model our first president, George "W.", who cut down
cherry trees.  Abraham Lincoln brought our nation together after the War
Between The Blue and The Red.  Honest Link was the uniter of the United
States.  I perspire to follow in his footprints.  I recall other presidents:
Herbert Hoover, who began a famous vacuum company; the Roosevelt brothers;
and John F. Kennedy, who had a magazine called "George."  My administration
will take a clue from Mr. Kennedy, who said, "Don't ask what your country is
doing, don't tell what you're going to do to your country."  After my
Vietnam War-era service with the Air Force of Texas, Gerald Ford became
president in a peaceable transformation of power.  There was no electorial
contest and no discourse to violins.  Such a transmission deserves immolation.

Let us not forget to remember Ronald "W." Reagan, who would like to do for
us just like we like to do for him today.  The Reagan administration
uniformally respected our men and women in uniform.  From the zoom of Fawn
Hall to the trip of Ollie, the military under Mr. Reagan was always
prepared.  "Simper Apparatus!"  I want to hold up that standard, just as I
intend to hold up progress in other areas.  In this administration, as in
the Reagan years, every lieutenant colonel will be ready to step forward and
take responsibleness with full immunization from persecution.  The
commander-in-chief must persevere his opportunism to rescuse himself from
capability for what he may or may not have done.

As you know, my father used to be president.  He stayed out of the loop, and
he was supposed to have been re-elected in 1992.  Then his vice-president
was supposed to succeed him.  Sometimes, in an ideal world, it turns out
that reality isn't the way it's supposed to be.  But I have restored the
status quo to the way it is.  I am uniquely qualificated to subside over
what should have been the second term of President Dan Quayle.

For our grievances over the stain on the blue dress, we Republicans have
achieved our red dress -- and the First Lady-in-Waiting will wear it!  I
promise to restore dignitude and sedation to the Oral Orifice.  A president
must do more than just observe the law -- he must overlook the law.  The
American people expect their leader to blow the line, and I look forward to
doing that as your president!

Some say that our citizenship is "a pathetic"!  That is so not true!  On
Election Day, the American people came out in hives.  There were so many
votes in Florida alone that they couldn't all be counted.  We had to stop
the election in order to save it.  But finality finally happened in the
presidential race.

Our nation stretches from Toronto in the north to Tijuana in the south.  I
have interfaced with Torontans and Tijuanitas.  My baseball team used to
play in Toronto, and I used to play in Tijuana.  But that was before I
accepted Christ as my personal political philosopher.  My goal is to bring
together Americans from every sidewalk of life in the bipartisan spirit of
strong Republican leadership.  Our ability to pass our legislative
prepositions will depend on the passivity of Democrats.

Americans have always been co-dependents!  Americans depend on their
families - to get them a place in the finest schools, to give them their
start in business, to take care of them by keeping them out of drafts.
Americans depend on God -- to forgive them for what they did when they were
young and irresponsible, and they were young and irresponsible.  And,
Americans depend on each other - some take charge so that others may take
naps.  Today, our young workers look at Social Security, and they say,
"There's not going to be enough people in the system to take advantage of
people like me."  But taking advantage of each other is the way America is
all about!

We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of
Americans.  My administration will remove the federal cufflinks.  Our
economy is based on the basics of economics.  But more and more of our
imports come from overseas.  So we must put in place policies commiserate
with helping entrepreneurs to succeed.  Now that I'm president, 100% of
Americans will get the death tax, and the Treasury Department won't have to
hire numerous IRA agents.

I want anybody who can find work to be able to find work.  The role of
government is to encourage competition as employers race to the bottom of
the pay scale.  In business, it's important to keep overhead low, so we don'
t get in over our heads.  If we make the pie higher, Americans will not find
it so hard to put food on their families.

The person I choosed to be Secretary of Labor just happened to be a woman
who was once Hispanic and a member of a union.  She thinks that no price is
too small to pay to our working men, and our women in labor.  She believes
every individual who can work - even if it's only doing chores around the
house - should have a room and a little pocket money.  I supported her,
until she became another victim of the politics of personable destructivity.
I was more successive in executing my choice of a secretary for HUD: Housing
and Human Development.

As the Supreme Court picked me to be the chief of commanders, I picked John
Ashcroft to be the general of attorneys.  Redounding from a posthumous
defeat, Senator Ashcroft will be complicit in defending the Constitutionable
rights of every American, from the moment of reception to the moment of birth.

 My State Secretary will be Colin Powell and my National Security Blanket
will be Condoleezza Rice.  They are proud African-Americans who voted for
me.  In return, I affirmatively acted to give them jobs.  They are tokens of my esteem
for people of their kind.  We must reject the low sophistry of big expectorations.

The United States is the premature superpowder in the world today.  We
cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our
allies hostile.  In the past, it used to be us against them, and you knew
exactly who they were.  Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we
know they're there.  We will have a foreign-handed foreign policy.  We'll
let our allies be the peacekeepers for the East Timorians, the Grecians, the
Kosovians and other little-known countries, be they Slovakia or Slovenia.
We Americans will be the pacemakers.  I would revise our enemies, both
foreign and abroad, not to misunderestimate us.  I offer these four words of
warning:  "Remember the Alamo."