Man, I really love my gig writing this column.

When I was hired to do this, I was a little apprehensive about what I was getting myself into.
BartCop insisted that I move into stately BartCop Manor if I want to get my column published,
so he can "make sure the staff writers are writing", like Mel Cooley on the Dick Van Dyke  show.
I reluctantly agreed, because I figured since he's paying me such an astronomical amount of money
for the exclusive rights to my rantings, I better learn how to take orders. There are worse prices
I could pay for fortune, fame and glory.

So now I'm hanging around the pool all day, being fed grapes by half-clad supermodels while
movie stars drink Chinaco Anejo from my belly button...

But I don't want to give you the impression that it's all hard work all the time. BartCop insists
we take time off and have some fun sometimes, too. I gotta tell ya, he's a pretty good boss,
and he's always right there to divvy up the cash when those big, fat DNC checks come rolling in.

But the most fun thing I get to do is read and answer my e-mail. The response to my ramblings
have made me about as happy as an Eskimo boy can be*. Mostly because the great majority
of responses I get is from women (Cool!)

I wrote a long rant to and about David Horowitz that really lit up the switchboard (so to speak)
here at the BartCop Mansion. I got a LOT of  responses, more than for all my other pieces combined.
I am truly blown away at the response. Thanks, people. I'm moved beyond recognition.

I did want to share one particular e-mail with all of you.
 

From:  lkilbride@mindspring.com

Subject:    BartCop ubeza mügli chambo chamba krepiet¿ 

Grãndars!

Choclieta borza contampõ Bazra Katórti borza Øtµ¥pta slenkâ pira Ðjmatri.

BartCop ubeza mügli prengraps cora Katabampa borza yeng borza Brüßem.

Chang¿  €yttra coentis braapdong chügga chügga!

Sleppers,

LK
 

???

I was wondering at first: Is this from a foreign BC fan? I couldn't figure...

Then I noticed the e-mail address. Where had I seen that before?
Then it hit me. I just got hit by that idiot loser Larry Kilbride that likes to show up
on BartCop's site to reassure us all that he's still winning his lifelong battle against mental health!

I've made it to the Big Time, people! To have caught the attention of one of the premier
lightweight loonies on the entire internet was...underwhelming.

I guess if you're gonna post on the internet, you've gotta be ready for some unpleasantness.
Like when you're in Central Park and you don't watch where you walk, eventually you're
gonna step in a pile of........something.

Was it a joke he sent?
Maybe I'm wrong about the guy.
Maybe he sent me a joke to brighten my day.
But if it is, I don't get it....

It did make me think, though; howcum I've never run into a right-winger who could make me laugh?
I mean, there has to a right-wing sense of humor out there somewhere.

If you look at the best stand-up comics, their humor invariably is coming from the left side of the aisle.
Lenny Bruce, Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor, Eddie Izzard, George Carlin, they all understood the human
condition and that's where the humor comes from. Understanding the human condition...hmmm...
That doesn't make me automatically make me think of the right-wing.

For the life of me I can't think of a single right-wing comedian.

I'm sure there has to be one somewhere. But the real hard-right people I've known personally are
people that think it's C-O-M-E-D-Y when they have health coverage and you don't or when someone
falls down the stairs and breaks his leg. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate right-wingers. If Rush Limbaugh
needed a transfusion and I was the only one who could save his life, I'm sure I would sell him some blood.
It's just that I don't understand what they call a sense of humor.

Do you remember the episode of M*A*S*H where Hawkeye and BJ faked a feud to entertain Frank Burns
on his birthday and Frank almost orgasmed into unconsciousness in delight? That's the mentality I'm talking about.

I've heard tell that Antonin Scalia is a real hoot and supposedly a hell of a funny guy. I don't want to find out.
I mean, his idea of humor probably is that he got to vote last time and we didn't. Scratch that one from the list.
(Although I could see him wasted at a party asking people if they want see what he has under that robe).

People tell me Rush is funny, has one hellacious sense of humor, this guy is fall down on the floor, make milk
come out of your nose FUNNY. I tried listening to him, got in the proper, receptive state of mind. All I found out
was how much killer pot it takes to make a 200 pound man pass out for about 12 hours. No laughs, though.

(Sidebar: I would have liked Bill Clinton more if he'd said "I didn't exhale.")

I tried substituting words in some common terms to see if the right-wing view even allows for humor.
I took some phrases and substituted the word 'humor' to see what I came up with. A few examples:

     Supply-side HUMOR
     Faith-based HUMOR
     Trickle down HUMOR
     Capital gains tax HUMOR
     Compassionate Conservative HUMOR

See what you can come up with on your own.

This was going nowhere fast. I seem to remember people saying Bob Dole is a real laff-riot.
If you can get past that constipated Darth Vader scowl, he can be a little amusing.
His humor is on the dry side though.
Elementary school janitors could use his humor to absorb vomit after gym class.

I looked for right-wing humor, and looked, but eventually had to put my microscope away in failure.

I think the GOP is really the HIP-Humor Impaired Party.
 

Aside to Larry Kilbride:
Look, Larry. I wrote something that was my opinion based on facts and the words from my target's own mouth.
I provided the sources of where I found much of the material that I formed much of my opinion from.
I don't know what you sent me; you forgot to run it through the Universal Translator, so it stayed in the language
of whatever the Hell planet you're from. If you meant to criticize me, be a man and stand up and say what you
have to say. If you don't agree with me, provide your FACTS and QUOTATIONS to back it up. And don't just
give me tired, bullshit accusations with no basis, like 'Bill and Hillary shot Vince Foster just to watch him die'.

If I'm wrong, stand up and point out to me why. And if what you sent me was meant to be funny, you're going
to need to explain it. I mean, funny to more that just your buddies at Creep Republic. You see, Larry, to myself
and other people who actually paid attention in school, communication is supposed to have a point. Just like a joke.
If you have to explain your joke, it wasn't very damned funny.

And if you ever e-mail me, have the BALLS to include YOUR NAME, LARRY KILBRIDE.
I will not consider your side's claims that we're cowards while you won't stand up and identify yourself.
And if you don't like reading what I write, send me round-trip airfare, first-class, and I'll be glad to fly out
and show you how to use your web browser to go to another web site.

If you reply to me, either make me think, or make me laugh, Larry.  If you reply, I will see about getting that
posted on this page, so consider what you want to say carefully.  It's up to you now.
Feelin' lucky, punk?

isaac peterson

Here's my name so you can see how it's done, LARRY KILBRIDE.
See how easy it is?
 

*Semi-obscure Frank Zappa reference