As many of you know, one of the Republicans all of us here at bartcop.com disapprove of
most vociferously is Senate Minority Leader Trent Lott.  It has come to our attention that
Senator Lott feels that we have been a little too harsh in our criticisms of him.

Therefore, in the interest of fairness and equal time, we are pleased to introduce a new feature:

Ask Senator Lott.

We will provide Senator Lott with space on this site on a periodic
basis to defend his side of the issues by answering reader mail.
Today's topic will be the Patients' Bill of Rights.  Take it away, Senator Lott:

Dear Tree-hugging, Baby-killing, Jesus-bashing, Crack-addicted,
Bra-burning, Wrong Ballot Hole-punching, Hanging Chad-counting,
U2-listening, Pinko Commie Liberal Freaks,

I respect you.  I want each and every one of you to know that in Trent
Lott's world, there is room for good people to disagree.  Of course,
when you go off half-cocked publishing your lies and slander about the
Grand Old Party on your stupid little Web site, you ought to be shut
down by the FBI, investigated by the CIA, and audited by the IRS.
Unfortunately, Antonin informs me that we have to wait for President
Bush to appoint a Supreme Court Justice before we can do that.

In the meantime, I will answer your whiny little socialist questions
about how your daddy's too lazy to get a job and now your momma can't
pay for her sex change operation.

Okay, first question:
 

Q. Dear Senator Lott,

I was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy at my local hospital.  But
instead, the doctor, who was high on cocaine at the time, mistakenly
amputated my right leg and left arm.  As a result, I lost my job as a
fitness instructor, and my HMO won't pay because I didn't get the
procedure pre-certified.

I consulted with an attorney, who feels I have a good case.
How do you think I should best seek redress for my pain and suffering?

Mark in Hawaii

A. Dear Mark,

Now let's not be litigious.  You still have the one good leg, right?
Suing is not going to get your amputated leg or arm back.

Many one-legged, one-armed people have been productive members of society.
I suggest you pull yourself up by your bootstraps (or in your case, strap),
hop down to your local public library, and check out a copy of
"The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People."
 

Q. Dear Senator Lott,

My seven-year-old son Tucker has a rare, life-threatening kidney
disorder, and three specialists have told my wife and me that if he
doesn't have an operation, heÕll die in two months.  But the HMO won't
pay for it because they insist it is an experimental procedure.  My
salary as a church deacon barely supports our family.   There is just
no way I can come up with the money for the operation.

The HMO suggested we give our son up for adoption, and that way the
state would have to pay his health expenses.  Please, Senator Lott,
we're desperate.  We don't know where else to turn.  We don't want to
lose our son.  Can you help us?

Brother Tom in Alaska

A. Dear Tom,

You seem like a very nervous person.
What you need to do is relax.
Have you ever tried smoking?
 

Q. Dear Senator Lott,

I had a little case of prickly heat, but my HMO wouldn't let me see a
doctor because they said it wasn't medically necessary.  So I had to
see a nurse practitioner.

He prescribed a medication which, as it turns out, I was not supposed
to take because it reacted negatively with my diabetes medication.

Now I'm suffering from terrible side effects, including vomiting, dizzy
spells, diarrhea, blindness, yellow fever, and occasional stigmata.
And it seems the damage is permanent.  Don't you think the HMO bears
some responsibility for this gross negligence?

C.H.
 

A. Dear C.H.

I understand what you're going through, and let me address your concerns here:
Bill Clinton is a bad, bad man.
 

Q. Dear Trent,

Keep up the good work supporting the pharmaceutical industry.
Without them, Bob Dole's penis would be softer than the questions
George W. Bush got in the presidential debates.  But Bob Dole's
penis gets hard and he gets to do commercials with Britney Spears.
In fact, Bob Dole is writing this with his penis right now.

Your friend,
Bob Dole

A. Thanks, Bob.  Don't forget to wash your hands before you eat anything.
 

Q. Dear Trent,

In the spirit of bipartisanship, I want you to know that I donÕt want
to offend you.  But don't you think some of your answers here today
have been a little bit callous and unthoughtful?

Sincerely,
Majority Leader Tom Daschle

A. This is why we have gridlock in Washington.  The Democrats are not
interested in passing meaningful legislation.  They just want to question
my integrity and sue HMOs for the teensiest little mistakes.
 

Well, that's all I have time for today, folks.  I would like to thank you Castro-loving
Clintonistas for this opportunity to knock some sense into your puny socialist heads.
The next topic I will be taking your questions on is the environment.
Global warming, shlobal warming, that's what I say.

Yours in the Kouncil for Konservative Kitizens,

Soon-again-to-be Majority Leader Trent Lott

P.S. Bill Clinton is a very, very bad man.