Connie Chung: So, Congressman Condit, America wants to know, did you and Chandra Levy have a romantic affair?
Gary Condit: Connie, out of respect for my family, and following a promise I made to Ms. Levy's family,
                     I won't go into detail on that question --

CC: C'mon. Did you bone her?
GC: I've already spoken about that with the police and the FBI and the Justice Department. That's not the real issue --

CC: Did you pork her?
GC: -- and the police didn't even ask me that question until the third interview. Which is another thing.
       They claim I tried to block the investigation --

CC: Yes, but did you --
GC: Let me finish. They say I tried to block the investigation, when they weren't even asking the right questions --

CC: And that question would be, "Did you and Chandra do it?"
GC: And they didn't ask until the third interview. I wasn't blocking jack shit, Connie. The DC police are just incompetent.

CC: That may be, but were you fucking Chandra Levy?
GC: Out of respect for my family and hers --

CC: So, you're saying you did fuck her?
GC: I'm not saying anything, you ignorant slut.

CC: An older man and a younger woman. She visited your apartment. How frequently?
GC: I'm not saying.

CC: You're being evasive.
GC: No. If I say six times and it was seven, everyone will call me a liar. If I say seven and it was six,
       everyone will call me a liar. I'm not answering because I'm not absolutely sure.

CC: And, how many of those seven times did you pork her brains out?
GC: I didn't say seven.

CC: Six then?
GC: I don't know.

CC: How could you not know?
GC: How many times did you fuck Geraldo, Connie?

CC: (silence).
GC: And why is it that a missing intern is so much more imporant than a dead assistant?

CC: We were talking about you fucking Chandra Levy --
GC: And I'm talking about a dead woman in a congressman's office. Blunt trauma, head injury.
       A medical examiner who has been known to lie in the past. Where are all the questions about that?

CC: (silence).
GC: It's because he's a Republican, isn't it?

CC: I don't know who you're talking about.
GC: You know damn well --

CC: (covering ears) La la la, la la la, la la --
GC: Connie, dammit. I agreed to this interview because I thought you'd be a creampuff. Guess I was wrong.

CC: Well, of course I'm not a creampuff. Are you kidding? If I gave you softball questions like
        Barbara Walters, Karl Rove would have my ass.
GC: You admit it?

CC: Uh... no. We were talking about you.
GC: Are you going to bother to listen?

CC: Sure. As soon as you tell me. Did you and Chandra do the nasty, bump uglies, do the mattress mambo,
        make wild monkey love? Did you and this missing intern, Mr. Condit, in fact, get jiggy with it?
GC: (pause) This interview is over...

CC: And there you have it, everyone. I haven't seen such an evasive politician since Bill Clinton.
       Who definitely was putting the bone to Monica Lewinsky. Ted, back to you...