Call in the bloodhounds, call off the search.  Chandra Levy is dead -- Dr.
Laura said so.  Thirty minutes into her show today, she proclaimed herself
"enraged" -- at Gary Condit (she called him a "creep"), at Carolyn Condit
("his creepy wife"), at Connie Chung, at Barbra Streisand, at Hillary
Clinton.  (Why did Laura mention Barbra Streisand and Hillary Clinton in her
rant about Gary Condit?  She was free-associating.  If there's one thing
Laura hates more than a middle-aged philanderer -- from Bill Ballance to Lew
Bishop to Bill Clinton -- it's a middle-aged woman more successful, more
attractive, more powerful and/or richer than she is.)

Referring to the women with whom Rep. Condit has had affairs, Laura spat out,
"one shows up dead."  (Laura didn't say whose corpse was found, or where.)
After denouncing the upcoming interview of Rep. Condit by Ms. Chung -- which
hadn't yet been taped, but which Dr. Laura decreed would show no "sincerity"
or "truth" on either side -- Laura proclaimed, "There's a dead intern he was
doing."  I don't think this was an accusation of necrophilia against Rep.
Condit; Laura was just being her usual inarticulate self.  She meant that
the intern that Condit had been "doing" -- and being "done" by -- is dead.
I hope the FBI was listening.

I don't think Laura meant to accuse Rep. Condit of murder.  She claimed that
Rep. Condit denied the affair in four police interviews -- the "informed
sources" said it was two, but there's no gossip that can't be improved by a
malicious tongue -- to prevent disclosure of the affair; Laura didn't
mention his motivation to conceal his guilt in her disappearance.  Laura
simply doesn't care whether Ms. Levy is dead or alive.  And, not
surprisingly, Laura has only contempt for the "wronged" woman -- Mrs.
Condit.  It doesn't matter to Laura that the only person hurt by any such
affair -- Mrs. Condit -- doesn't want to end her marriage of thirty years.

Laura "Lavishly Paid Whore" Schlessinger attributes a thirst for power to
Carolyn Condit -- why else would a woman stay with a man who embarrassed
her?  Laura is incensed that Rep. Condit and his wife are on the cover of
"People" magazine -- as if the Condits craved this sort of attention.
Sick puppy that she is, she envies all the free publicity he's been getting.
Laura -- who would walk around stark naked if only someone would take her
picture -- would kill for a "People" cover, so she assumes that Gary Condit would, too.

During the first half of the second hour of her show, Laura elaborated on
her position, and of course she contradicted herself.  Laura brayed that a
politician who has an affair with an intern has no "private life."  (Newt
Gingrich had an affair with a much-younger government employee while he was
a Congressman, too -- but because Rep. Gingrich divorced his second wife so
that he could marry his girlfriend, and because Rep. Gingrich was a
Republican, that was OK with Laura.  If only Gary Condit had discreetly
dumped his wife and the mother of his children before his affairs were
disclosed, he could still be the Republicans' favorite Democrat.)

Having lambasted Gary Condit for talking to the media in the first hour of her
show, Laura did not hesitate to slam him for claiming any right to privacy
in her second hour.  It may be disgusting and degrading that everyone is
interested in the affair, as Laura says, but that doesn't relieve Rep.
Condit of his public responsibility to disclose every sordid detail -- also
according to Laura.  What does any of this have to do with the whereabouts
of Chandra Levy?  Don't ask Laura, Laura doesn't care, Chandra's dead meat,
anyway -- it's sexual scandal that interests Laura -- if it involves a Democrat.
In Laura's eyes, Rep. Condit's crime is having an extramarital affair.
One affair is enough to disqualify him from public service.  If Rep Condit is
forced to resign or defeated in the next election -- thereby increasing the
Republicans' edge in the House -- Laura's moral outrage will subside.