I'm old.
I grew up in a different time.
Have you heard the apparently-true stories Republicans love to
tell about today's kids?
They say today's kids consider oral sex as a less-than intimate
act. Apparently,
( I have to keep saying "apparently" because I don't discuss
oral sex with today's kids)
they see oral sex as an extention of kissing, as in "My
first date with Bob went OK.
so I gave him a good night blow job
instead of a kiss," kind of thing.
Maybe it's a response to the fear of getting AIDS, or maybe guys
accept it because
receiving oral is sex is so much fun, one might even risk his
presidency to get some, (cough)
which is why I mentioned the Republicans. They like to say Clinton
invented oral sex,
and because of him, today's teens give away oral sex like Girl
Scout Cookies.
Geez, back in the old days, oral sex was something you might get
after
you were married.
And even then, only on wedding anniversaries that end in a zero.
Al Franken wrote the oft-quoted line during impeachment, "I'm
pretty sure oral sex is adultery,
and the reason I'm sure is because I
haven't gotten any since I've been married."
...but that's not what we're talking about, it's only related
to my point. In the same vein that oral sex
has been elevated to something you'd give a friend having a bad
day, now anal sex has taken a strange twist,
(pun intended) and if you saw last Saturday's Howard Stern show
on E!, you saw this:
Jillian Barberie, the "weather girl" (Read: eye candy)
for Fox NFL with Terry and Howie
was on Stern and he asked her if she'd ever consider posing for
Playboy and she said no.
"I've had lots of offers from Playboy and other
magazines, but I don't think posing nude
is something that would really further
my career at this point, so I refuse to do it."
Ok, that makes sense, and I can respect her decision, too.
I mean, she obviously is a hot babe
with a smokin' bod, so it's not like she'd embarrass herself
by posing nude for Playboy, and if she
doesn't want to pose nude for men to oogle and masturbate to
- I say good for her.
Sidebar:
Does Howard Stern read bartcop.com?
In some back issue(I don't know which,
because my search engine gave up the invisible ghost) but I ran
pictures of Jillian and Janine Lindemueller
(sp?) a porn star, and remarked how much alike the two girls look.
Howard mentioned that to Jillian, and she
said she's been mistaken for her, and she even told a funny story
that Whitney the Scarecrow and Bobby Brown
told her "We love your movies," even tho Jillian hasn't
done any films - then she figured out what
they must've meant, mistaking her for Janine.
but then...
but then...
Howard, being more of a pig than most men, asked her if she was
a "three imput woman," meaning
"Besides regular sex, do you give your husband
oral sex and let him defile you anally, too?"
She smiled and said, "Of course. We do that a lot."
(Bart scratches his head...)
Howard bored in for more information, asking if she did it reluctantly
or willingly, and Jillian
said she really liked it, and they talked about her taking it
"back there" for a while.
(More scratching...)
Here's the part I don't get:
If a hot babe with a smokin' bod doesn't want to pose for Playboy,
because it really wouldn't
do anything to help her career move forward, how does entertaining
Howard Stern and his
millions of teen-boy listeners with tales of the joys of anal
sex further her career?
Just like oral sex has somehow become something to expect on mediocre
dates,
how did anal sex become something TV stars talk about over the
public airwaves?
For that matter, why talk about anything you do in bed
with your partner?
Aren't there some bedroom things that should remain private?
I've never been a hot babe with a smokin' bod, but I'm guessing
between the two,
I would sooner pose nude for Playboy than discuss something like
anal sex on the radio.
One last thing, ...because I'm really old
If you've read the page for a while, you know I'm not a prude
on sex, but it bothers me
to see two people in a movie or TV show - whatever, and the minute
the two people notice
there's a spark between them, they rip each other's clothes off
and do it like Perot's rabbits.
In some cases, they don't know each other's name and they're busy
grunting and exchanging
potentially deadly body fluids. Hell, in some cases, one or both
of them are married, too.
Can I be that old?
I have no business being America's moral conscience, but sometimes
it seems like I'm the only one
left with any goddamn common sense in their head. Maybe
I just blinked and all this got passed me
(because I haven't had a date since 1971) but it seems like a
few adjustments need to be made with
today's societal "norms." I sure hope I remain married
to Mrs. Bart for the duration, because if you
take away the oral sex reward for taking a girl bowling on the
first date, I don't like those new rules much.
So, straighten me out.
What parts don't I understand?
What makes these young slackers tick?
I promise this isn't a scam to open a kinky sexual dialog with
a bunch of young girls,
(Hell, these days I'm not sure what's even considered kinky anymore...)
but it wouldn't hurt if Ol' Bart had a clue what you wacky kids
are thinking.
Statistically, there must be dozens of parents of teens
who read bartcop.com
I'm guessing they wouldn't mind having a clue of their own, either.
So consider sending me an anonymous e-mail.
I'll print it if it's funny or real or informative, and I won't
print your name.