Laura: Yes, I'm here. Your secretary had me on hold for almost 20 minutes.

Betty: Well, at least your patience was rewarded, in contradistinction to those hapless souls who inexplicably call your little show.

Laura: Now, wait just a minute babe --

Betty: Laura, please bottle your trademark "caustic impatience" shtick for the paying public. I have something rather important to discuss with you and it will take far less time if you drop your anachronistic banter and some of your more threadbare antics, dear.

Laura: Oh, not this again. Betty, I'm not going to convert back to Christianity so save your breath, babe.

Betty: Oh, heavens! I would never encourage you to do so. While I am somewhat obligated to, time permitting, save souls, it is my considered belief that having someone such as you in a high profile as a non-Christian can only lead to people flocking in droves to any faith other than your own -- if only in flight from your peculiar brand of misanthropic piety.

Laura: Oh, boy. Here we go. Get to your point.

Betty: Gladly. You know how you are scheduled to speak at Landover Baptist this month?

Laura: Yes, but I still haven't gotten my $30,000 speaking fee.

Betty: Yes, well, don't run out and add something to your collection of amusingly ostentatious jewelry in anticipation of its arrival, dear. You see, the Ladies of Landover had an emergency meeting last night and we have prevailed upon the
Pastor to disinvite you. Naturally, I jumped at the chance to be the one to tell you.

Laura: Wait a minute here --

Betty: We just came to the regrettable -- no matter how obvious -- conclusion that you are just not "our type."

Laura: Well, coming from you. I'll take that as a compliment. ["Laugh" (c)1984 Dr. Laura Industries, Inc.]

Betty: As you so rarely receive what could actually pass for a sincere compliment from someone with any self-esteem (which naturally excludes your callers), I shall overlook your obvious inability to recognize one, dear.

Laura: Let me tell you what I think about that --

Betty: Excuse me, dear, for interrupting. But you appear to be working under the notion that I happen to care about what you think. Whatever instinct led you to this erroneous conclusion should, under no circumstances, be trusted in the future. As I was saying, the Landover Baptist Biblical Values Subcommittee discussed this and determined that you don't live up to Landover Baptist's idea of Traditional Family Values.

Laura: Oh, boy! Babe, this is really making me want to scream --

Betty: And with provocation, no less! How novel.

Laura: Not consistent with Traditional Family Values? Let me tell you something: I am known throughout this whole country -- yes, little me -- as being a voice in the wilderness for Family Values and -- .

Betty: Your listeners misapprehensions are not my concern, dear. But the type of person we at Landover put our reputation behind is. Quite frankly, it had not occurred to me that you are a Jewess until Sister-in-Christ Taffy brought it to my attention.

Laura: Jesus was born a Jew!

Betty: And Michael Jackson was born black. People convert.

Laura: Converted? But he was still a Jew.

Betty: Yes, but he wasn't a braying divorcee with a tongue that could lacerate a diamond cocktail ring. Surely, you are not denying that you divorced.

Laura: I feel that --

Betty: Let's not talk about how you feel; let's talk about what you are. Let's stick to the facts. You were married before your current so-called marriage, weren't you?

Laura: What do you mean "so-called"?

Betty: Well, according to the Bible -- the very same one you talk about but we follow -- a woman can only be married once. One. Is that such a hard number to keep track of, dear? Indeed, if she marries again, both she and her new "husband" are committing adultery. Matthew 5:32. So you are simply "shacking up with your honey." Such disgraceful conduct!

Laura: There are some good reasons for divorce --

Betty: Perhaps in your "me-me-me!" world of selfish morality, but not in the Bible. And we just can't have a known adulterer appear in our church. Especially one who keeps flaunting the fact that she has a bastard on national radio.

Laura: A bastard?

Betty: Well -- babe -- it stands to reason that if you're not married in the eyes of God, then any children are the spawn of an unholy union and therefore bastards. Such a harsh word, don't you think? I've never cared for it. Fortunately, I seldom have occasion to use it as I don't move in the type of social circles where I run into women like you with any regularity. But I can just imagine how the word is like a fork in a filling to you, dear.

Laura: I will not stand for you referring to my beloved son as a "bastard."

Betty: And my Beloved Lord won't stand for you making him one I assure you. Indeed, under Deuteronomy 23:2, he will be damned to the tenth generation. So isn't it time you took responsibility for your actions? It's lovely that you hawk t-shirts with the tautology "I Am My Kid's Mom," but wouldn't it have been better to have been able to wear one that says "I Am Married in the Eyes of God to My Kid's Father"? Just an idea, dear. And, honestly, those little pictures didn't help your cause.

Laura: Oh, not them again! They were art pictures.

Betty: Nudies! Taken by a man not your husband. Indeed, not even one of your many husbands. Hardly in keeping with the image you try so fecklessly to project.

Laura: Those pictures were taken before I changed.

Betty: Well, one look at those and anyone would change. Would that you had at least changed into a simple camisole. Such dreadful inattention to pubic grooming, dear! I mean, no one expects a mousse-and-curl, but a simple clip would not have been remiss.

Laura: The point I am making is that I am not a hypocrite.

Betty: I didn't say those pictures make you a hypocrite, dear. A slut, perhaps. But now that you mention it, you are a hypocrite for the impatient way you treat the mistakes of your foolish callers. Clearly, you committed worse errors of judgment than most of them in your, uh, distant youth. So, your acting as if they are complete idiots in their more immediate youth is not only rude, you are being quite the hypocrite, dear. In any event, consider yourself uninvited.

Laura: Now wait just one minute! What about my fee?

Betty: I assure you it will not be wasted, dear. Well, I have to be on my Gulfstream in 35 minutes and I know you have your little show to do. Now, go take on they fey. [Dial Tone]