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Subject: Clintonian Rhapsody
(The scene opens at the Clinton campaign HQ.
HILLARY addresses BILL & several STAFFERS.
They're going over some early primary results,
and she doesn't like what she's looking at.)
HILLARY:
Is this the real life?
Or Kos' fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
Noticed too late
We need delegates you see
I'm not an old boy I get no sympathy
BILL:
It was easy to make Edwards go
But Obama? I don't know
HILLARY:
Don't care how you do it
Get the nomination for me-
For me
(All leave except BILL & HILLARY)
Bubba it's almost done
Yes you had a decent run
But where's my time in the sun?
Chelsea's life had just begun
But now she'll have to shill for HMOs
(intercom buzzes)
SECRETARY - V.O.:
'Scuse me
BILL (knowing what this is about):
Ooooo
SECRETARY - V.O.:
Fat cat doners on the line
BILL:
So just send back that AIPAC check tomorrow
Might as well, might as well
'Cause nothing really matters
(switches off intercom)
It's been a fiasco
Mark Penn wasn't worth a dime
Wolfson's plan? A waste of time
Back now to the Senate you've got to go
The entire thing was a flop and that's the truth
HILLARY:
Bubba Ooooo
Let the campaign die
I sometimes wish I never had run at all
(Suddenly the office door flies open. JAMES CARVILLE & STAFFERS enter)
CARVILLE:
I have a little silhouetto of a plan
STAFFERS:
Go James C! Go James C! We will drink from your
Kool-Aid
CARVILLE:
John McCain we'll pimp hard and don't forget
the race card - see?
(Meanwhile at MSNBC studios KEITH OLBERMANN is
fighting an uphill battle
against his co-workers, every one of them a MEDIA
McCAINIAC.)
MMs:
Gore and Kerry Gore and Kerry
Gore and Kerry Gore and Kerry
Gore and Kerry we will slime Obama tooooooo
KO:
He's not a Muslim you must believe me
He's just a Christian from Chi-town and DC
So now please be fair to his candidacy
There it is now you know will you let it go?
MMs:
Madrasah! No we will not let it go
KO:
Let it go!
MMs:
Madrasah! We will not let it go
KO:
Let it go!
MMs:
Madrasah! We will not let it go
KO:
Let it go!
MMs:
Will not let it go
KO:
Let it go!
MMs:
Will not let it go
KO:
Let it go
No no no no no no
You're pathetic, you're pathetic, you're pathetic
- let it go
(realizing it's hopeless)
Richard Cheney has a devil put aside for thee, for thee, for theeeee!
(throwing a bunch of papers in the air as he leaves in disgust)
(Cut to DNC HQ where HILLARY and OBAMA each make
their case to a clutch
of frightened SUPERDELEGATES. She with a survey
showing 94% of Fox viewers
think he's an al Qaeda sleeper agent, he with
the slightly more relevant fact that he's
leading in states won, delegates & total
votes)
HILLARY:
He can't win in November these numbers don't
lie
OBAMA:
If you swerve me this time then the party will
die
SUPERDELEGATE:
Call Howard! Someone get Howard Dean now!
He'll figure it out, he'll figure a way out of
here
(Fast Forward to late August. D convention. Clintons
are on stage, front & centre.
Obamas are off to the side & slightly in
back. We clearly see which is the alpha couple.)
HILLARY:
No one really matters
Anyone can see
No one really matters -
BILL:
No one really matters - but me
(glare at each other for a fraction of a second before resuming the "smile & wave" bit for the cameras)
B. OBAMA (with resignation):
M. OBAMA (with contempt):
MMs (getting ready to replace the "Obama is a
terrorist" stories with "Clinton murdered Vince Foster" stories):
McCAIN (watching at home, folding his hands in
a Mr. Burns-like way):
Any way the wind blows...
*gong*
- Dave
Deer Park, NY
PS: I'm for Obama. I don't think he's the cure
for all that ails us, I just prefer him over Hillary.
But rather than get nasty about it, I prefer
to be funny (or at least attempt to be.)
Dave, what about the part where Bill & Hillary sing
"We are the Champions" at her inaugural? :)
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