You gotta hand it to Republicans: They're flexible.

Only a very flexible mind could campaign on the fact that the peace and
prosperity of Bill Clinton's presidency was not actually his doing, and
then turn around and blame the current recession on him when he has
been out of office for over a year.

And only a body with very quick reflexes could campaign on a package of
tax cuts for the rich which they proposed in 1999 when the economy was
percolating like Mrs. Folgers coffee pot, and now claim that the package
was designed to stimulate a weak economy.

And only folks with contortion abilities worthy of Harry Houdini (or a
very unhealthy interest in other peoples' sex lives) could spend six years
and $65 million investigating if and when Bill Clinton received consensual
oral sex from a willing adult, and then caution reporters against turning
the Bush Administration's ties to Enron into a "partisan witch hunt."

And only folks with the strength of Hercules could juggle the two
conflicting actions of, on the one hand, insisting that Ken Starr HAD
to include the salacious details of Bill Clinton and his cigar in the Starr
Report in the interest of full disclosure, and on the other hand turning
their heads while Bush places the records of his term-and-a-half as
governor of Texas in his father's presidential library, where they will
be safely out of reach of those pesky public access laws.

And only folks with the acrobatic dexterity of the Great Walendas could
oppose President Clinton's retaliatory bombing of Al-Qaeda camps after
the attack on the US embassies, screaming Wag the Dog, and then blame
the attacks of September 11 on Clinton's weak stance against terrorists.

I swear, it's like one big game of Twister in Washington these days.
It's a  wonder they don't all get ticketed for tying up traffic on Dupont
Circle. Shoot, if those were Democrats, we'd be in traffic court for years.
We'd be doing community service visiting Strom Thurmond's grandson
in the nursing home. Don't believe me? Two words: Gary Condit.

And the media is all too happy to join the fun. They're blaming Clinton
for everything from the 9/11 attacks to the tanking economy to the death
of his beloved dog while he was out of the country. Even though there is a
mandatory quarantine of up to six months on animals traveling internationally,
hateful conservatives and media editorialists seized the opportunity to attack
the last elected president.

Any excuse to breathe the name Bill Clinton.

It's sad. Pathetic, really. Like a woman trying to have sex with her
husband's dead body, they just can't let the Big Dog go.

And who can blame them, really?

I mean, think about it. Who would you rather cover every night on the
evening news? The dashing, six-foot-four-inch (height, folks, height),
shade-wearing rock star who Sharon Stone said she'd be all over
"like white on rice"? Or the guy who falls out of his chair and knocks
himself unconscious choking on a pretzel?

The guy who spent his last vacation buying bikinis with Anthony Hopkins
in Rio de Janeiro? Or the guy who put a nail through his thumb nailing a
plank to a wall in the first five minutes of a photo op for Habitat for Humanity?

The guy of whom the ethnic Albanians say, "There's God, and then there's
Bill Clinton"? Or the guy who uses such graceful language as, "Not over
my dead body"?

The guy who gave us the lowest unemployment since the 1960s? Or the guy
who doesn't want to allow an extension of Unemployment Benefits to
folks who lost their jobs as a result of the World Trade Center attacks?

The guy who eliminated the deficit and gave us a massive budget surplus?
Or the guy who blew that budget surplus on tax cuts for his rich friends at
Enron and has no explanation for why his tax cuts did not stimulate anything
but the pocketbooks of his wealthy friends and campaign contributors?

The guy who made it to Ground Zero ahead of the sitting president even
though he was grounded in Australia for two days? Or the guy who flew
around the country all day on Air Force One, then hid in the White House
and didn't even show up in New York until four days later?

It's like E entertainment news having to cover Tom Green having sex
with a moose while Harrison Ford is flying around in his helicopter saving
chicks trapped on the sides of mountains. It's just no fun.

It's not profitable, either.

Robert Parry. Name ring a bell? Robert Parry broke the Iran-Contra story.
Robert Parry is one of the finest investigative journalists in this country.
He used to write for Newsweek. He now runs a Web site called Consortium News
because none of the major media outlets will hire him. Robert Parry tells the truth.
The New York Times, Newsweek, The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal,
they don't like that. They like stories that talk about what a great leader George Bush is,
how in command he is, how sm-- how smar-- I can't even say it -- how he's not dumb.
Robert Parry won't say those things. Robert Parry is not for sale.

Fortunately, there are plenty of reporters who are. (Tim Russert, call your office.)
As Mark Twain said, "Tell me where a man gets his corn pone
and I'll tell you where he gets his opinions."

Those of you who are wondering when Bush intends to release the papers from
Ronald Reagan's presidency that he was supposed to release six months ago,
shut up and go put a flag on your car before John Ashcroft throws your ass
in jail for supporting terrorism.

And for those of you who are wondering when the media is going to ask Bush
about said Reagan papers, it'll probably be about the same time they ask
his father about the October Surprise.

There may also be those of you out who are hoping that even if the media
gives Bush a pass on Enrongate, the Democrats in Congress certainly will not.

Something else Mark Twain said may provide an answer to that:
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
 But I repeat myself."