|
|
|---|
|
American Politics Journal Atrios Barry Crimmins Betty Bowers Buzzflash Consortium News Daily Howler Daily Kos Democatic Underground Disinfotainment Today Evil GOP Bastards Faux News Channel Greg Palast The Hollywood Liberal Internet Weekly Jesus General Joe Conason Josh Marshall Liberal Oasis Make Them Accountable Mark Morford Mike Malloy Political Humor - About.com Political Wire Randi Rhodes Rude Pundit Smirking Chimp Take Back the Media Whitehouse.org More Links |
Tourist Advisory: France
(The following advice for American travellers going to France was compiled
from information provided by the US State Department, the CIA, the
US
Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Administration,
the Centers for
Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites that the French
don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travellers
only.)
General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of
Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though
not
nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain,
Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular importance and
with
not very good shopping. France is a very old country with many
treasures,
such as the Louvre and Eurodisney. Among its contributions to
western
civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.
Although
France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning
is
little used and it is next to impossible for Americans to get decent
Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors
is that
local people insist on speaking in French, though many will speak English
if shouted at. Watch your money at all times.
The People
France has a population of 57 million people. 52 million of these
drink
and smoke (the other 5 million are small children). All French
people
drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept
of
standing patiently on line. The French people are in general
gloomy,
temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are
their
good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though
you would
hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists.
Men sometimes have ladies's names like Marie or Michel, and they kiss
each
other when they meet. American travellers are advised to travel
in groups
and wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier recognition.
Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, although travellers must be
aware
that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. Traditionally,
the French
surrender immediately and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch
and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market
prices,
life for the American visitor generally goes on much as before.
A tunnel
connecting France to Britain beneath the English channel has been opened
in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee
to
London during future German invasions.
History
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important
historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
Cousteau
and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now
an airport.
Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections
are held
more or less continuously and always result in a draw. The French
love
administration so for government purposes the country is divided into
regions, departments, districts, municipalities, towns, communes, villages,
cafes, and telephone kiosks. Each of these has its own government
and
elections. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and
Lower,
though confusingly they are both on the ground floor, and whose members
are
either Gaullists or Communists, neither of whom should be trusted by
the
traveller. Parliament's principal occupation is setting off atomic
bombs
in the south Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when other
countries complain. According to the most current American state
department intelligence, the President is now someone named Jacques.
Further information is not available at this time.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy
to see why.
All their music sounds the same and they have never made a movie that
you
would want to watch for anything but the sex scenes.
Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just
a
slug with a shell on its back. Croissants on the other hand,
are excellent,
although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word.
In general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers.
Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's
in
Europe, which is surprising because the French hardly work at all.
If they
are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike
and
blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal
exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons,
perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade launchers, land
mines,
tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Public Holidays
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world.Among its
361
national holidays are: 197 Saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days,
16
Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in triumph
as
if he won the war single-handed Days, 18 Napolean sent into Exile Days,
17
Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 2 "France is Great and the
Rest
of the World Sucks" Days.
Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and
a
temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country
if it was not
inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for
France is
that it is not Germany.