Armey, Barr and DeLay to Investigate Clinton
 by John Hardin

Washington - April 21, 2001
 

   Congressmen Bob Barr, Tom DeLay and Dick Armey announced a joint
   taskforce to investigate former president Bill Clinton in the death of beloved
   NASCAR racer Dale Earnhardt.

   In a written statement, Congressman Armey said "while we don't know
   anything about racing, this whole accident seems bizarre. Consequently, we
   feel it is vital to examine what role, if any, Bill Clinton played in this tragedy."

   The congressman spoke of an unnamed source who claimed to have evidence
   that Clinton was in the car with Earnhardt shortly before the crash.
  "We are sure that when our fellow congressmen are confronted with the full evidence of
   this crime, they will act as a single body to lynch Mr. Clinton and burn his lifeless corpse."

   When asked if Hillary Clinton might also be investigated in connection with Earnhardt's death,
   a spokesman from Bob Barr's office replied "we will be issuing an indictment for Mrs. Clinton very soon."

   When confronted with this new, fast growing scandal by Fox News, Mr Clinton replied
  "What? That's crazier than Bob Dornan. I was at home, watching the race with 17 other people.
   I've never even met Dale Earnhardt. Only a nutjob would believe this crap."

   Clinton allies and fellow liberals moved quickly to distance themselves from the scandal.
   "This is exactly what we've come to expect from Bill Clinton" said former aide George
   Stephanopolis. "Clearly, Clinton is in trouble now" said former Presidential advisor Dick Morris.
   "These appeals to sanity are a desperate attempt to spin the story in his favor."

   "His denial is palpably false" states Clinton expert and radio commentator Paul Harvey.
   "Just like his sham marriage and failed presidency, Bill Clinton has ruined everything he's ever touched.
   It's too bad a great American like Dale Earnhardt had to die so that we could finally learn that lesson."

   Texas Congressman Tom DeLay said "We promise to find closure for Dale Earnhardt's family,
   even if it means digging up his grave to get Bill Clinton."

   Opening hearings are scheduled to start next week.