---

American Idol
Bart's thoughts on the big finale
 
Last issue I wrote:

If this show had the slightest bit of credibility... (should I bother finishing this sentence?)
they would have country stars only - since Idol has become Southern pre-teen Texter Idol.

But no, they'll have big-time rockers - Queen was on last year or the year before,
which makes no sense because it's a show for little kountry kids.

Hey Idol, make up your f-ing mind.

If you're going to rig the contest for kountry kids,
don't have hard rockers for the big finale.

They never listen.

The show opened up with Judas Priest, a metal band from the eighties.

Hey Idol, Southern pre-teen Kountry Kids don't want to see aging metal bands.
 
Then some gospel singer came out, followed by Gladys Knight.

Hey Idol, Southern pre-teen Kountry Kids don't want to see gospel acts or Black singers.

Then Jack Black sang a Queen song.

Hey Idol, Southern pre-teen Kountry Kids don't want to see some has-been
comedy actor sing a thirty year old ditty written by a bunch of queers.

Then Rachel Bilson hopped out of a convertible to blow a Magnum fudgesicle.
It was so hot, I had to go to confession for the first time in 40 years.

Then Beyonce came out and half-sang her "Oh Oh" song.

Hey Idol, Southern pre-teen Kountry Kids don't want to see any cute Black singers.

The Lil Jon and TLC sang some crotch-grabbing song.

Hey Idol, Southern pre-teen Kountry Kids don't want to see crotch-grabbing Black singers.

Then Tim McGraw sang some Kountry song - Hey Idol, you finally got one right.

Then Marc Anthony sang a song - in f-ing Spanish - while his 42 tear-old wife shook her hiney.

Hey Idol, Southern pre-teen Kountry Kids don't want to see some old guy sing in Spanish
while someone older than their Mom shakes her money-maker in an inappropriate fashion.

Then Tom Jones sang "It's Not Unusual," a hit from before I was old enough to drive.
 
Hey Idol, Southern pre-teen Kountry Kids don't want to see an 80 year old Welsh miner sing.

Quick: Who played guitar on "It's Not Unusual?"   Send e-mail to Bart

Then Tony Bennett came out and sang some jazzy song.

Hey Idol, Southern pre-teen Kountry Kids don't want to see an 85 year old guy sing jazz.

Then Seafoam told the last two Kountry Kids that they'd just won the Ford vehicle of their choice.

That got me thinking: If I could have any Ford, what would I choose?
I think I'd rather drive a seven year old Toyota.

Then Gaga came out and simulated sex with some dude.

Then Carrie Underwood came out and showed Lauren how much weight
she has to lose if she expects to make it in show business.

Then Beyonce came out and sang another song - gotta fill all 128 minutes of TV time...

Then the world's biggest band came out and played a Spiderman song.

Hey Idol, Southern pre-teen Kountry Kids don't want to see the world's biggest band.
If they don't wear cowboy hats, this crowd doesn't want to see it.

Then - another strange sex moment.  Spiderman dropped from the ceiling -
upside down in front of JLo - who proceeded to peel back his mask.

Whoever she expected to be under that mask wasn't there - so instead
of a kiss, Spidey got a JLo finger to the nose and away he went.
That was weird, even by Hollywood standards.

The Lord was with them last night - Spiderman walked away under his own power.

When they came back, Steven Tyler sang the living fuck out of Dream On.
Suck on that, Kountry Kids.

Then they announced the winner, I suppose.

It really didn't matter which Kountry Kid won.

---

 

Send e-mail to Bart

  Back to Bartcop.com