Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
 

 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck this mother-fucking gay movie.
 This movie is so fucking gay, it licks balls.
 This movie is so fucking gay, it licks hairy ass.
 

 That's how the movie started.

 I thought it was their way of saying, "No sense in you sitting thru the first half hour if you're
 just going to walk out, anyway, so if you can survive the first 60 seconds - welcome to the movie."

 Yes, there were gay jokes in this movie - I'd say over a hundred of them.  I had no way of knowing a week
 or two back how right I was when I said when I said, "Jay uses prison talk, which is normally offensive,
 but somehow he wins you over and you see the humor in it."   The result is funny as hell.

 I guess Jay has the most foul-mouth in the history of movies.
 That's just a guess, but Russell Simmons ain't got shit on Jay.

 Koresh, by the time Chris Rock comes on, you're thinking, 'Why is Chris doing this G-rated movie?"
 but he just sounds clean between Jay's machinegun fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck talk.
 Somehow, it works, and the audience was howling.

 When I saw Dogma, I was alone in the theater - but not this time.
 I saw it at 4 PM in Knuckledrag, Oklhaoma, and it was crowded, and they were howling.
 There were many lines I missed, due to the laughter.
 And it was the first time is YEARS that I heard a crowd applaud after a movie.
 Last time I hear that much applause was when we landed the jet safely in Volume 0094

 First - a summary.

 When Jay and Silent Bob learn that a "Bluntman and Chronic" movie is being made featuring
 their comic book counterparts, they drool at the thought of fat movie checks rolling in. But when
 the pair find that there won't be any royalties coming their way, they set out to sabotage the flick
 at all costs. The stoner duo makes the cross-country trip from New Jersey to Hollywood and along
 the way they meet up with a quartet of sexy diamond thieves (that's Chrissy, Sissy, Missy and Justice)
 ...and an orangutan. The escaped orangutan gets a federal wildlife marshal on their tail, and the
 whole shebang climaxes as Jay and Silent Bob make it to the Miramax lot, crashing through the sets
 of a whole bunch of movies, both real and imaginary.
 And, oh, yeah - the "secret origin" of Jay and Silent Bob is finally revealed!
 

 That's sorta what it's about, but it's mostly a bunch of meaningless skits that remind you
 of Beavis & Butthead meet the Three Stooges meets Cheech & Chong.
 It's totally lacking in any kind of redeeming value (not unlike bartcop.com  ) but somehow
 it all comes together and you find yourself laughing out loud, even at jokes you don't want to like.

  Sidebar:
 Do you remember the MASH where Winchester considered himself such a Boston blueblood,
 and was soooo sophisticated with his opera and his fine cognac, but then some no-talent, broke-dick
 vaudeville comic with decades-old bad material came thru camp and Winchester laughed hard at every joke?
 Wait till you see J&SB Strike Back.

 Let's run thru the list:

 I don't care what you've heard, the star of this film is Eliza Dushku.

                 She's the babe on Buffy.

 Shannon Elizabeth has more lines, but we all know who the real star was.

 Ben Affleck has a bigger part than you might think.
 He plays two parts, and pokes fun at himself and his image. (at the time)

 I don't know his name, but a friend of Christian Livemore's is in the film.
 She knows his name (because he was in her film) but I call him The Tic Man because
 he played a killer with a nervous tic on Homicide.    Ben Affleck murders him.

 There's a great scene where Affleck and Damon explain why they took certain roles.
 The crowd was hooting so much, I missed parts, but Ben was explaining to Matt why he did
 film "A" and film "B,"  so Matt shoots back, "So why'd you do Reindeer Games?"

 I didn't get the Jason Biggs jokes, besides "he's the guy who fucked the pie."
 Lucky Jason - that's his claim to fame. He fucked a pie.

 Joey Lauren Adams doesn an on-screen review of the film towards the end.
 George Carlin is wasted in this film, with some tacky blow job joke.
 Mark Hamill plays "The Cock Knocker," and we see Carrie Fisher as a nun
 who gets oral sex for giving the boys a ride.

 Tracy Morgan from SNL has just a minute, but it's good.
 Shannen Dougherty is great for 30 seconds, but she keeps her clothes on.
 (Kevin, next time - use her more wisely.)
 I blinked, so I missed Alannis Morrisette (God in Dogma)

 Will Ferrell had another wasted part.
 He did OK, but he can be funny with the raise of an eyebrow when he's
 doing the unelected Smirk, but he was just too over-the-top here.

 One scene I want to tell you about:
 Jay & Silent Bob sneak onto the Miramax lot and get caught.

 Using his head, Jay asks the guard, "What if Silent Bob was to suck your cock?
 Would you let us go if Bob gives you a knob job?"

 Silent Bob looks at him like, "I'm not doing anything like that," so Jay tells him,
 "If we go to prison, you'll be knobbing dudes for years, so this is getting out cheap."

 (The whole time, Bob is thinking, "Why do I have to do it - it's your idea."

 But the guard says, "Contrary to what you may have heard, not everyone in
 Hollywood is a sex weirdo, so no thanks on the oral sex," to which Jay replies,
 "Well, what if Silent Bob sucks my cock, and you can watch and jack off to it?"

 The guard agrees, but only if the boys say something during the act, which I missed
 because people were laughing too loud. So, in a very tense moment, Silent Bob gets on
 his knees and prepares to blow Jay.  When it gets down to the moment of truth, the guard
 is so distracted by the action, Jay pounds him on the head and knocks him out.

 Bob starts to stand up, and Jay says,
 "Hey, bitch, where you going? You got a cock to suck, here."

 ha ha

 Sure, it's not as funny since you can't see the look on Silent Bob's face, but it gives you an idea
 why GLAAD wasn't too keen on this movie. But to me, when you have Cheech & Chong meets
 Beavis & Butthead meets the Three Stooges, it's hard to take anything very seriously.
 They do a blow job joke about once a minute.
 

 The reviews weren't all positive, either.
 I mean with this kind of language and sexual situations, it has to take some knocks.

 They also have great recurring scenes about "those mother-fuckers" on the internet
 who think it's their job to critique every movie that comes out.

 Think they were talking to us?
 

 Moneywise, it seems to be a big success.
 It opened with only $11 million, but that was on a weekend where the top film in America
 only made $13 million. Dogma opened with $8 million, so Kevin Smith is moving up.

 So, yes, with fifty gay jokes and fifty blow job jokes, I can see where GLAAD could get
 upset, but, ..are they really upset about this film?  In baseball, if there's a close play at the plate,
 whichever manager gets the bad call, he's expected to go out there and kick dirt and scream.

 GLAAD got some positive press out of protesting the film, which also helped the film,
 and the Matthew Sheppard foundation got $10,000, so maybe it was a win-win-win.

 Don't take the kids or grandma, but the film is damn funny, and I recommend it.
 Besides, it makes  bartcop.com  seem like Sesame Street by comparison.

 It'll remind you how family-friendly we are.