“If you want a state, it’s not too late!
  Vote for Sacco and appease the Wacko!” 

With this catchy slogan Stephen Sacco, the American who maintains he is the true King of Israel
and Rightful Ruler of All Palestine, kicks off his campaign to become chairman of the Palestinian
Liberation Organization. George W. Bush’s call for the Palestinians to oust Yassar Arafat as PLO
chairman has led Mr. Sacco to throw his hat or, more accurately, his crown into the ring.

 “I think the Palestinians are going to be very impressed that, instead of lording my King of Israel
and Rightful Ruler of All Palestine title in their faces, I am going to run for office as if I actually
cared about all my little subjects.  Kind of like George W. Bush himself.”
Revealing his unique strategy, the King plans to get Katherine Harris, former Secretary of State
of Florida, to run the election for the Palestinians.

“I’m also looking into butterfly and punch card ballots.  If that doesn’t work maybe the Supreme Court
could just appoint me,” Mr. Sacco stated yesterday.

When Mr. Sacco was asked about his plans to stop the suicide bombing he answered, “Puppies!”

Elaborating further he insisted, “Everybody loves puppies.  They do the cutest things.  I’m going to make
a deal with the ASPCA to have every Palestinian household adopt a cute little puppy.  Our campaign will
include the slogan, ‘Don’t blow yourself up, adapt a pup!’” Mr. Sacco claims this will serve as security for the Palestinians.

“When the Israeli soldiers come knocking on the door, we will hold up the cute little puppy and say,
‘You wouldn’t hurt a cute little puppy, would you?’  This will melt the soldiers’ hearts and we will then
continue with our master plan of hitting people over the head with rocks.”

The State Department, critical of Mr. Sacco in the past, issued a cautiously worded statement today,
“We can honestly declare that the State Department has never thought of trying to solve the Palestinian
question with puppies.”

Meanwhile, the Palestinians themselves and the rest of the world are under the insane delusion that the
Palestinians should be allowed to choose their leader in a free and fair election.  Chairman Arafat dismissed
Mr. Sacco as a “tax and spend liberal,” though he added, “I would like a puppy.  A floppy-eared one.”

Militant factions such as Islamic Jihad and Hamas have been slightly less enthusiastic about cute little puppies.
However, one must imagine that they are thrilled with the current administration’s program:  if Palestine
becomes Sweden, the U.S. would support a provisional Palestinian state.  They must be doubly happy now
that Saudi Arabia, a dynastic, undemocratic monarchy, has agreed to support Bush’s proposal.

Though no official statement has been made it is rumored that a member of Hamas was overheard saying
in a Mexican accent, “Puppies?  We don’t got no puppies. We don’t need no stinkin’ puppies!”