Savannah, GA – In a startling development today, Stephen Sacco, the man who several
weeks ago proclaimed himself the King of Israel and Rightful Ruler of all Palestine, was
found to be mentioned in an addendum of the appendix to the footnotes of Robert Ray’s
report on former President Bill Clinton. Ray said, "We probably have the evidence to indict
Mr. Sacco for very serious crimes, but I seriously doubt he’d be found competent to stand
trail, plus I just don’t feel like it. I have a Republican Senate nomination to snag."

Mr. Sacco reportedly sent evidence to Ken Starr, Mr. Ray’s predecessor, that George
Stephanopolous accosted him and shouted, "Nice ass!"  Mr. Sacco then asked Christian
Livemore, famed  bartcop.com  columnist and former exotic dancer, to call up Michael
Isikoff and make the following statement: "Steve Sacco has a nice ass.  If you don’t
believe me, ask George Stephanopolous."

Ms. Livemore reportedly told the King of Israel, "Whatever."
As of this date, however, there is no evidence to support that the call was ever made.
When asked to comment on the matter, Ms. Livemore said through a spokesperson,
"I’m sorry, I am not from your country," and slammed the door in our faces.

Mr. Starr, usually reluctant to make statements to reporters, showed his characteristic
detachment when asked about the "nice ass" incident.  In a measured statement to the
New York Times released through the former Independent Counsel’s Office we learned,
"Bill Clinton’s penis could run for president in 2004.  There’s nothing in the Constitution
to stop it.  We must stop this purple, throbbing monster from taking over our country!"
It was at this point, we learned, that his private nurse came in to sedate him. As he was
placed in the padded truck by some very nice men in white scrubs, Starr was heard
mumbling, "Why didn’t Bill ever give me a beret?".

We have no indication that Bill Clinton’s penis is planning a run for the White House in 2004.
However, an unnamed Democratic strategist, named Larry Flynt, told reporters,
"It might be a possibility.  If only we could find a way not to scare world leaders and
young children when he went on TV to announce."

Republican spokesman Charlton Heston was heard to shout, "Soylent Green is people!
Soylent green is people!"  Immediately following his brief statement he was placed in
the padded wagon alongside Ken Starr.

When asked to comment, Mr. Sacco said he was "outraged. I can’t believe Ken Starr
didn’t say anything about my ass!"  Mr. Sacco went on to explain, "Look, say what you want
about me. But I think that compared to Sharon and Arafat, granted not great competition,
I have by far the nicest ass and therefore I am entitled to all the land of Palestine."

Dr. Abdulah Wenta Schoola, a Middle East specialist from the University of California,
Los Angeles, said Mr. Sacco was continuing a long Middle Eastern tradition of making
nonsensical statements to the press, a tradition which goes back as far as King David,
who issued little-known proclamations about his backside that had to be edited out of the Bible.

When reached for comment on Mr. Sacco’s assertion of the superior ass, Ariel Sharon was
quick to reply that he had been working on his abs, while a spokeperson for the Palestinian
Liberation Organization claimed that Chairman Arafat had ordered Buns of Steel off of
the Internet.  MTV has a show in the works, Spring Break-Gaza Strip, to be hosted by
Ozzie Osbourn’s ever-warring children Kelly and Jack, that might feature a King of
Israel/Rightful Ruler of All Palestine wet t-shirt contest.

At the Department of Defense and at the State Department there was a sense of caution
in the air. "This proves," said a State Department spokesperson, "that Mr. Sacco will stop
at nothing in his self-promoting quest to become a player in the Middle East."  The Dept of
Defense has done a study and has concluded, "While we can’t determine if Mr. Sacco’s
ass is nice or not due to the constraints of taste, we have concluded that since he turned
thirty his ass has been expanding exponentially."

Finally, when asked to comment on the growing scandel surrounding Mr. Sacco’s ass,
George Stephanopolous replied, "I’ve seen better."

Editor’s Note: In an effort not to alarm our more sensitive readers, this story has been run
without the accompanying photographs provided by Mr. Sacco’s office.