George W. Bush was flustered into convulsions on the show "ABC Live"
this week.
He was deep into a denial binge and the ominous rumblings began when
he learned who would be interviewing him.
Cokie Roberts....
He reportedly had thrown up twice on the plane and his heroic battle
with
those irritating little throat-clicking dry heave sounds....continued
right up until air-time.
He was pushed onto the set by a rigid phalanx of security people and
he
made his shaky way to a seat opposite Cokie.
COKIE: "So....Gov. Bush....Let me welcome you back to the capitol
and
congratulate you on your latest win."
BUSH: (Eyes dancing out a samba, left to right and back again....Hope
alive
above a nervous, twitching smile) "Huh?....win?...WIN!...Aw jeez....Did
I win?...."
(He points offstage at his campaign manager and security people)
"I'm gonna kill you guys"....(He's giggling like Renfield)..."Okay,
okay....you got me"....
COKIE: "No, Gov. Bush...the football pool. You hit on the second
quarter points and won
the ABC Live football pool." (she solemnly hands over sixty-six dollars
and twelve cents)
"Now....Let's discuss this recent debacle in South Carolina. Perhaps
we should start with
New Hampshire though....to get a clearer understanding of the depth
of failure we are talking about...."
BUSH: (You could see the thought was all over him like fleas.
He was pinned to the chair by the
spotlight and he tensed up so hard...two drops of pee came out. He
leaned forward to hide any
sign of an "inside job"....and looked hard into Cokie's deep blue eyes)
"Cokie....I'm glad you
asked me that question. I am confident that there are lessons to be
learned from this experience.
I think I speak for everyone who has the same thoughts on this subject
as I have, when I say -
The past is the past, and the future is the future. It's like...If
you feed a donkey peanut butter
...it's gonna look like it's talkin', right?"
(Shaking his head and looking at Cokie like she's a bonehead)
"I mean....I can't put it any plainer than that.
If you don't understand what I'm sayin'...maybe it's because
you've lost touch with the common man, Cokie."
COKIE: "Coming in a distant second to your losing touch with
reality.
Now, Gov. Bush, we have a urologist standing by offstage to take a
sample.
I'm sure you would have no problem with that, right? Prove to the people
that you are not marching to the dust of a different Peruvian drummer?"
BUSH: "Now you listen here, little lady....I ...I have never
done Cocaine!
I've seen it before, sure....Who hasn't? I even smelled it once
or twice.
But I never courted the White Lady. I never felt her velvet arms enfold
me in
their loving and safe embrace. I never felt her alive in me....roaring
through my veins like pure liquid fire. Never!....Never once."
(The urologist beckoned from the offstage wing and the security guards
moved forward as one)
"AAAAAAAaaaaaaHHHhhhaaaaaaaaGGggggghhhhhkk.."
~~~~ G.W. Bush awoke shivering like a dog shitting peach pits...Oh,
thank GOD!
It was only a nightmare!...Jeezus!...he sat up and laughed as he reached
for the vial and
mirror on the nightstand. He shook out an obscene amount of pure pink
Peruvian Flake
and swatted it around on the mirror until it looked like a crooked
white caterpillar.
He picked up the custom tooter made from a piece of hollowed out rib
from a hooker
he'd had killed....and hoovered that muh-fuh up in one determined whoof....
He hit the headboard a resounding smack when he fell backwards, but
he didn't even feel the pain.
It had all been a dream....all a dream.
He lay there with his heart beating like a bunny, and he smiled that
George Bush-ie smile.
You know the one....Remember how his dad flashed the old ivories when
he came up with
that whole "thousand points of light" nonsense/bullshit?
(DISCLAIMER - I take no responsibility for the above story. I was whacked
on a mixture of crack,
ecstasy, and mannitol - dubbed "Hippo Laxative" in certain circles
- and, as such, was holding the
crack pipe in one hand, vainly twisting my gristle with the other,
and was forced to type with me feet.
I make no apologies other than to say that I am sorry.)
Lo Phat Ham - Rogue Reporter