Ask Not For Whom The Bells Toll…
 

Hello all... My name is Lo Phat Ham - Rogue Reporter. I'm a
battle-scarred veteran of countless political cage-matches and I'm here to offer
you a whitewater raft ride down the polluted river of politics. Let’s look back at
what’s gone on in this past year and see if we can better understand the sharks
that call the hellbroth their home. I can promise you that a serious look into the
sinkhole of politics will have you filling your pants with the runny green shit of
the Truly Scared.

But who the hells needs that?

I’ve had some fun with these candidates. I’ve asked them the questions
they don't want to answer... and then watched them squirm like a bag of mice.
Allow me to give you a political “no-shitter” here and now.
Come, walk with me... talk with me...

There were three basic stages in this election -

In the First Stage things were just getting started. The playing field
was wide open and none of the candidates really knew what the hell was
going on. We had Gore and Bradley acting like two hungry puppies fighting
over a bowl of public opinion poll kibbles and bits and we had Bush, McCain,
and Keyes flinging shit at each other like chimps in a zoo cage.

This was the stage where you saw what the politicians wanted you to
forget by Stage Two. You saw the real person... before they stretched the
political mask over their imperfections in an attempt to hide their inherent
evil from public view. The two main candidates are Gore and Bush.
Let’s take look at them, and see how they’ve changed.

Gore was so goddamn boring he made Ben Stein look like a charismatic preacher.
Then he rode the razor’s edge, trying to show loyalty to Clinton while at the same time
attempting to distance himself from Clinton’s “mistakes in judgment.”
You couldn’t have seen more “flip-flops” if you were on the beach in June.

Bush was all about his slogan “Reformer with Results”. He said it at
least five times in every speech he made. He kept begging to be judged by
his “record of reform”... that is, until he was made aware of the fact
that his “record” was more fucked up than Snoop Doggy Dog’s entourage.

In Stage Two things were drastically different. The candidates had won
the nominations of their party and their lives, attitudes and methods had
changed so much that, if you hadn’t done your homework in stage one,
you might as well rely on your gut feelings and ride them right on through
to November. You didn’t see the “real” candidate in stage two. You saw
the lie they had spent millions of dollars and countless hours perfecting.

In Stage Two - Gore was waving his arms and banging his fist on the
podium... he was “fired up” and no longer moved like one of his servos
was on the fritz. He was big on the whole “We must save the children”
angle on Gun Control, and the “private, personal choice” slant on Abortion.
He condemned Bush’s use of soft money and dirty campaign tactics” and
tried to lure McCain supporters into his camp.

Bush was concentrating on “ending the Clinton/Gore era” and was
attempting to have it both ways on as many issues as politically possible.
He spent over 60 million to buy the nomination and he’d got his billionaire
Texas oil buddies to spend millions more on “independent” advertising. Money
talks... and Bush was running his mouth like a verbal roller coaster with no brakes.

Stage Three is where, after months on the road and many miles of
campaigning, the candidates have finally figured out what the public
wants to hear and they give them an earful. They whip the crowds into a
frenzy reading the same canned speech... sometimes four or five times a
day...until their own voice whines and buzzes in their ears like a nine pound
mosquito. This is where we now find ourselves. It’s all bluster and
grandstanding at this point and most will vote on how they feel about the
candidate rather than their stance on the issues.

(BAR BREAK)

I’m sitting in a bar right now while I pound this story into my
laptop. I’m sitting in the corner away from the main crowd and the TV is
showing a rerun of the last debate. Listening to the conversations around
me, I realize that nobody has really listened to what the candidates said.
They all heard what they wanted to hear and then promptly stopped listening.

There’s a guy sitting a few tables away from me and he’s giving his
friends his opinion on Gore. He’s wearing flip-flops, bright orange shants
(you know, not too long to be shorts, too short to be pants - a combination
of the two - shants), and a tee shirt that said “Skateborders Rool”, and
he’s says, “Gore’s going to balance the budget. He said it, man. He
promised, you know? He says he keeps his promises and I believe him, dudes.”

I wanted to lurch over to his table and give him a lesson in political
translation, but the four double scotches I’d pounded down had
effectively nailed my ass to my seat. So, I’ll just type it out for you…

Let’s look at the words Gore used. “Balance” the budget.
If the government is operating at 85% efficiency (which it is),
then we’re 85% in the black and 15% in the red.
That’s not much of a “balance”, is it? Gore could keep his promise by operating
the government at 50% in the black, and 50% in the red. Now THERE’S a balance.

I know that sounds stupid, but you have to realize that politics is
All about WORDS. Many times a word can mean many different things, and
those are the words that politicians love the best. Words and phrases that
mean different things to different groups of people are even better. Words
like “appropriate” are deliciously vague and even a term like “sexual
relations” can be wonderfully misunderstood.

One of mister skateboarder’s friends, a tiny waif with purple hair and blue lipstick, piped up..
“I think Bush looked pretty confident. He really seems to care, you know?”

I wanted to rip her arm off and smack her in the mouth with the wet
end. What kind of twisted, fun house version of the world would a person
see looking out of her eyes? I pounded my head on the tabletop to signal
the waitress to bring me another double scotch with all speed.

I mean, am I the only one who sees it? Bush has a smile that’s textbook.
Down-turned at the corners and quivery, it says “Okay, yeah.. ..I’m lyin’..
..but let me just explain.” And the smile never reaches those beady little eyes.
Snakelike. I can just see that face smiling and saying,
“Come on, it’s only an apple. Take just a little bite, it’ll be okay.”

(BACK TO THE ARTICLE)

If I had to wrap this past election year up in just a few thoughts..
..they would be these -

On making “mistakes” - I don’t know about you, but I don’t want a
Leader who makes mistakes. I don’t want a leader who employs people
who give him bad information. I don’t want to sit, shivering in a puddle of
my own piss, as the bombs whistle in over my head.. ..because someone
made a “mistake.” Mistakes are something you make on the way UP.. ..and,
in my book, are not allowed if you expect to command from the top of the
heap. I’d advise the candidates to take their balls out of their purses and
demand excellence - from themselves as well as those around them.

On new laws - Stop the insanity! By the four balls of Jesus, Mary, and
Joseph.. ..enforce the laws that are on the books and you’ll find out
That you don’t need more laws. Gore wants more laws, Bush wants whatever
the oil companies tell him to want that particular week. As president, you
should be showing more backbone than Jennifer Lopez on Oscar night. So,
get tough and LEAD THE WAY!

On being President - Respect the office, guys. You’re not being Elected
Head Hooter Checker at the frat house. You’re being elected Commander In Chief.
Political power, properly so called, is merely the organized power of
one class for oppressing another. So watch our who you’re oppressing, Sparky.
Otherwise, we might all just storm your castle.

In closing - Does it really matter who grabs the brass ring? Not to me, it doesn’t.
No matter who ends up wearing their ass print into the presidential upholstery..
..I’m going to have a wealth of material for future articles.

I’m just sayin’…

Lo Phat Ham - Rogue Reporter