What a "compassionate conservative" is
by GENE LYONS
With the Republican National Convention under way in Philadelphia, we put
some tough questions to our scrupulously nonpartisan Department of Election
Rhetoric and Camouflage Analysis here at Unsolicited Opinions Inc.
After considerable grumbling, our analysts agreed to temporarily shelve
their ongoing study of the Chicago Cubs' winning streak long enough to
offer
some no-nonsense answers about the Bush-Cheney presidential ticket.
Q. What is a "compassionate conservative" anyway?
A. It's an alliterative phrase designed to hypnotize voters into buying
a used
Republican without kicking the tires. Ever since the Nixon administration,
when speech writer William Safire gave us gems like "nattering nabobs of
negativism," GOP sloganeers have often resorted to poetic devices to soothe
the savage soccer mom. Anyhow, it's the opposite of a "limousine liberal."
Q. Poetry? I thought the GOP was the he-man party.
A. Not all poets are sissies. Think about Garth Brooks.
Q. Hey, I seen the man cry on national TV and sing a bunch of tearjerkers
about tolerance and such. Cowboy hat or no cowboy hat, the man's a damn
Democrat. You still ain't told me what a "compassionate conservative" is.
A. OK, here's an example. Let's say somebody at your church whips out a
.44 Magnum and smokes the preacher for sermonizing about John 3:16 instead
of the Book of Revelation, as happened up in North Arkansas a while back.
And let's say the preacher's the kind of "vicar of vacillation" Safire
(and Spiro
Agnew) warned us about. Let's say he sets up a metal detector in the
vestibule, puts on a SWAT-team Kevlar vest like those jackbooted
government thugs who grabbed up little Eli‡n and tries to interfere with
your
constitutional right to keep and bear arms. A "compassionate conservative"
like Gov. George W. Bush or Dick Cheney would let you hide a plastic pistol
loaded with armor-piercing "cop killer" rounds under your shirt and slip
into a
front pew secure in the knowledge that, if the need arose, you could deal
a
little "hellfire" of your own.
Q. You made that up.
A. Well, it's a hypothetical. But Bush did sign a Texas law making it legal
to
pack heat in church. And Cheney voted against the Undetectable Firearms
Act of 1988 banning plastic guns for terrorists. Even the National Rifle
Association backed that one. Three years before that, Cheney voted against
regulating the manufacture, importation and sale of armor-piercing ammo.
Q. Didn't Cheney say he might vote differently today?
A. Well sure, and Bill Clinton might say he'd tell Monica Lewinsky to take
a
hike if he had it to do all over again. As for Cheney's reservations, exactly
four congressmen agreed with him on the plastic handguns, 21 on "cop killer"
ammo. And speaking of cops, Cheney also voted against giving $50,000
benefits to the survivors of police officers and firefighters killed in
the line of
duty. He did that twice, in 1982 and again in 1983.
Q. There's got to be more to "compassionate conservatism" than that.
A. You bet. Say your wife, daughter or mother got raped by a motorcycle
gang and ended up pregnant. According to the GOP, she'd have to have the
kid. Even if her drunken uncle or no-good brother was in on it. They'd
allow
no abortions even in cases of rape and incest. But Bush and Cheney would
feel really bad for her, you just know they would. As long as she didn't
try to
enroll the little bastard in Headstart, because Cheney voted against that,
too.
Q. Enough hypotheticals. Didn't the Washington pundits say Cheney's a
great choice?
A. They did. To use Sally Quinn's immortal phrase, all the same
"Establishment Washingtonians" who told us what a judicious, sensible
moderate Ken Starr was now tell us Cheney's a swell fellow. Evidently,
he's
never actually bitten anybody at a cocktail party.
Q. But the talking heads on CNN said Bush's choice of Cheney moves the
GOP away from the confrontational politics of Newt Gingrich. How about
them apples?
A. Well, Newt did take a chunk out of the odd pundit now and again. But
if
you're talking ideology, even Gingrich says Cheney's further to the right
than
he is. For example, Newt voted for every bill we've mentioned so far. Cheney
also opposed establishing the Department of Education. He was one of 21
congressmen who voted against financial aid for needy college students;
one
of eight to oppose the National Health Service Corps and the Federal
Immunization Program. His environmental record makes Gingrich look like
the
Jolly Green Giant. Cheney fought the Superfund for cleaning toxic waste
cites;
he was one of eight who resisted the Clean Water Act; opposed renewing
the
Endangered Species Act; one of nine who didn't want to fund R&D for
the
Environmental Protection Agency. Gingrich backed all of those, too.
Q. So is there anything they agreed about?
A. Oh lots. They agreed to oppose a resolution urging the South African
government to free Nelson Mandela, the George Washington of Africa.
Cheney explained the other day that he considered the African National
Congress a terrorist organization at the time. Sensible people realized
that the
real terrorist organization was the South African apartheid regime.
Q. So how did Bush react to Democratic criticism of his vice-presidential
selection?
A. He said it was dirty politics to bring up Cheney's record. "What do
you
expect?" Bush asked reporters at an Austin press conference. "I'm running
against people who all they do is spend time tearing people down. And they're
going to give it their level best trying to tear Dick Cheney down, but
they're
not going to be able to do so." According to The New York Times, he added
that "Secretary Cheney brought people together and helped to win a war,
which stands in stark contrast with Vice President Al Gore, who tends to
divide people to create war."
Q. Huh?
A. Exactly. As near as we can tell, a "compassionate conservative" is
somebody who's fed up with negative campaigning by the no-account, lying
SOB he's running against.
Q. Are there any compassionate conservatives in Arkansas?
A. They're as plentiful as ticks. Our current favorite is Gov. Mike
Huckabee. Here's a guy who took $23,000 worth of suits from Jennings
Osborne last year writing an open letter to President Clinton about how
Arkansans are too proud to take a "handout" in the form of health insurance
for their children. Huckabee accepts umpty-thousand free, personalized
shotgun shells from the Remington Arms Corporation, but appears to think
the
poor and disabled should be ashamed to accept "charity." Meanwhile, the
state
denies Medicaid coverage to families with $2,000 in assets, which pretty
much
makes it impossible to own a reliable vehicle to drive to work.
If he's not careful, Ol' Huckabuck will lose all the credit he deserves
for
backing the ARKids First program to begin with. Over in Texas, Gov. George
W. Bush fought the idea tooth and nail. The oil companies, you see, needed
a
$45 million tax cut in the worst way.
Gene Lyons is a Little Rock author and recipient of the National
Magazine Award. His column appears on Wednesdays.