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Open letter to Bristol Palin from a
Homo
by
Max Fruge
There's been a lot of talk about marriage and immorality in the air
(especially after Obama's
outrageous statement that he condones same-sex marriage), but luckily,
Bristol Palin has come
into the conversation to shed some light (specifically, that gays
suck). I am curious about God's
views on marriage and accordingly have compiled a couple questions for
Miss Palin, as it would
seem that she is His Holiness's main bitch.
1.) If I decided to embrace heterosexuality, and marry a woman, can I
still force marriage upon
a woman in captivity and make her my personal house slave? I mean, I'm
not very good at first
dates so it might be a time-saver to just buy my wife.(Deuteronomy
21:10-13)
2.) A woman that is adulterous is said to become violently ill when
given Holy Water to drink.
Two questions: Can it be store-bought Holy Water or do I have to hit up
a witch doctor in the
9th district of New Orleans? Also, what constitutes violently ill? If
my woman's been screwing
around I want to be certain.... so I can put her to death. What kind of
symptoms did you yourself
experience (being that you are an unwed mother and thereby, an
adulterous woman)?...
Like Linda Blair, exorcist type shit? (Numbers 5:11-31)
3.) The Bible tells me that my wife must be a virgin. If not, she
should have already been stoned
to death. Are you the only exception to this rule or does it pertain to
all women in Alaska? I mean,
I know there's nothing better to do than screw in that part of the
country, but I'd prefer my wife to
be virginal and not wear Eskimo boots so get back to me on that.
(Deuteronomy 22:13-21)
4.) Deuteronomy 22:28-2 states that if I a rape a woman she
automatically becomes my wife.
That's a little graphic for me. But then again I can't really afford an
opulent wedding in Maui...
so can't I just sack her over the head and throw her in a van? I feel
like there's a lot of grey area here.
5.) Lastly, Genesis 21:10 says that I am allowed to have concubines.
What separates a married woman from a ho?
You yourself are not a married woman, so does that make you a
concubine?
Segue:
Since you are impure, how would you feel about being my concubine?
Let me know.
♥
-Max Frugé