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| 1789 |
George Washington
becomes America’s first non-Jewish president. |
| 1797 |
John Adams becomes
America’s first non-Jewish president since George Washington. |
| 1801 |
Thomas Jefferson,
a man, is elected president. Though not technically Jewish (his
mother is a non-Jew), Jefferson remains in power nearly eight years. |
| 1809 |
James Madison's
term gets off to an exciting start when it is revealed that Madison is
a follower of Jesus Christ, the religious luminary. |
| 1817 |
James Monroe is
elected. His vice president, Daniel Tompkins, looks vaguely Jewish if you
close your eyes and imagine a typical Jew. |
| 1825 |
John Quincy Adams
takes office. Though historians believe Adams’s penis did have a foreskin,
the general consensus is that it could have been removed without jeopardizing
his ability to govern. |
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| 1829 |
More like Anjew
Jackson, if you know what a pun is. If not, just Andrew Jackson. |
| 1837 |
America chooses
Martin Van Buren and Richard M. Johnson as its president and vice president.
In this way, Van Buren and Johnson are chosen people. |
| 1841 |
William Henry Harrison
serves a mere 30 days in office before being kicked out for dying. His
dying words? "<silence>." (Notice no mention of Jesus.) |
| 1841 |
Former vice president
John Tyler continues where Harrison left off, but without a VP of his own.
Sounds like some kind of Old Testament fable. |
| 1845 |
James Polk has a
dream involving a man with curly hair. Perhaps his father? |
| 1849 |
Zachary Taylor is
sworn in. Presidents are sworn in over bibles. Bibles are a crucial part
of Judaism. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? |
| 1850 |
Millard Fillmore
chooses Hebrew as the official language of internal White House memos.
Either that or English—I can’t remember. But you get the point. |
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| 1853 |
Franklin Pierce
outlaws the eating of pork on burning flags. |
| 1857 |
James Buchanan considers
turning the Oval Office into a Star of David by adding a series of triangular
closets, then decides it might blow his cover, then does it anyway, then
gets yelled at by Vice President John C. Breckinridge, then takes a shower,
then changes it back. |
| 1863 |
Abraham Lincoln
abolishes slavery. Ancient Egypt, anyone? Anyone? Well, I’m off. |
| 1865 |
Andrew Johnson "becomes
a man" (is elected President of the United States). Johnson turns out to
be the best 13-year-old leader ever. |
| 1869 |
America elects Ulysses
Grant, the general who single-handedly won the Civil War by smiting the
South with a rock. |
| 1877 |
Rutherford Hayes
begins referring to his advisors as "mensches" and then rewrites "The Star
Spangled Banner" to the tune of "Matchmaker, Matchmaker," a song written
by Broadway composer Jerry Bock more than 80 years in the future. |
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| 1881 |
James Garfield is
assassinated on July 2nd. Moses’s death occurred on the same date. Coincidence?
You’ll have to ask the lady who strangled both Moses and James Garfield. |
| 1883 |
The Jewish religion
is created. Based on a combination of Christianity and Islam, the faith
is hailed by Tikkun Magazine as one of the five most important inventions
of ’83. President Chester Arthur writes an angry letter to the editor in
which he entirely agrees. |
| 1885 |
Grover Cleveland
dresses up as a rabbi for Halloween and goes trick-or-treating in Eastern
Europe. |
| 1889 |
Benjamin Harrison
volunteers as co-producer for the first internationally telegraphed Hanukkah
reality show. Unfortunately, its ratings sag after the 6th night, and it
is promptly canceled. |
| 1893 |
Grover Cleveland
rises from obscurity to serve a second term, much like his savior did.
Excuse me: much unlike his savior did. |
| 1897 |
William McKinley
stages the American-Spanish war as an elaborate ruse to distract Spaniards
from the Spanish-American war. Ruse rhymes with shoes, which rhymes with
truce, which rhymes with glows. |
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| 1901 |
Theodore Roosevelt
gives a State of the Union address in which he vows to eliminate what he
refers to as America’s "uncertainty about whether I’m Jewish." |
| 1909 |
William Howard Taft
replaces baseball with dreidel as the national pastime. Upon learning the
news, Sandy Koufax decides to postpone his birth. |
| 1913 |
Woodrow Wilson takes
office. His first executive action? You got it: something demonstrating
that he was a Jew. |
| 1921 |
Warren G. Harding
is elected. The G stands for Torah. |
| 1925 |
Though he is by
no stretch of the imagination Jewish, President Calvin Coolidge keeps kosher
and abides by the 613 laws of Orthodox Judaism that were passed down by
his ancestors. |
| 1929 |
Herbert Hoover uses
the Abraham-Isaac story as a metaphor for the stock market crash. In Hoover’s
metaphor, Isaac represents the American economy and Abraham represents
a war debt/tariff policy that reduced foreign markets for domestic goods
and an easy money policy that led to excessive credit and market speculation.
Abraham leads Isaac up Great Depression in order to slay him, but at the
last minute God whispers, "Oops—did I say sacrifice? I meant subsidize.
Fuck." |
| 1933 |
Franklin Delano
Roosevelt plagiarizes hundreds of future speakers by saying, "The only
thing we have to fear is fear itself." He does this in a thick Yiddish
accent. |
| 1943 |
FDR welcomes tens
of refugees and takes action against concentration camps within years of
learning about them—surely more than a gentile would ever do. |
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| 1945 |
Truman drops a bomb
by telling his parents, "I’m marrying a shiksa." The bride? Nagasaki. The
parental response? "We just want you to be happy, son." |
| 1953 |
Dwight Eisenhower
changes his name to President Eisenhower in an attempt to obscure his ethnic
roots. Meanwhile, the Rosenbergs are executed. |
| 1961 |
Out of respect for
both John F. Kennedy’s honorable legacy and his tragic passing, there will
be no jokes involving Mr. Kennedy in this piece. |
| 1963 |
Lyndon Johnson rapes
a bunch of disabled orphans. |
| 1967 |
Israel gains independence,
becoming the first country dedicated to serving as a homeland for U.S.
presidents. |
| 1969 |
Richard Nixon was
a terrible crook, just like every Jew I know. I am a neo-Nazi computer
hacker who broke into the server and changed only this entry; I wanted
to make a point, but I didn’t want to overdo it. Anyway, there are many
more like me out there—mostly ignorant, often confused, always dangerous.
The Internet provides a safe haven for us, and we must be watched carefully.
Ta ta! |
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| 1974 |
Gerald Ford’s penis
is accidentally circumcised when he shows up on time for his scheduled
bris. |
| 1977 |
Jimmy Carter names
his pet dog "There Is A Great Legacy of Jewish Presidents." Though unwieldy,
the name is a hit with canine-loving historians, who appreciate both its
historical accuracy and its cuteness. |
| 1981 |
Ronald Reagan, a
former screen actor, moves into the White House. Did you know that Hollywood
is run by future presidents? |
| 1989 |
George Bush takes
office thanks to the millions of Jews who choose not to form a humongous
barrier around his motorcade, an action which surely would have prevented
him from reaching the inauguration. |
| 1993 |
Not many people
realize that Bill Clinton’s wife, Judith Cohen, is one-quarter Sephardic. |
| 2000 |
America, we have
a difficult decision to make, as there are many good arguments against
both George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. But seriously, let’s evaluate
Senator Lieberman on the basis of his strict adherence to the Talmud rather
than his overall Jewishness, OK? |
|
Thanks—you guys
are the best. |
